My "recovering alcoholic" I say recovering lightly as he quite going to AA about a year and a half into recovery. He doesn't drink but he has a hobby that consumes him. If I try to leave him or move away from him emotionally he freaks out. He does good for a couple weeks, then he freaks out at the relationship and puts distance between us. The relationship recently became sexually active. It did not change things for me as I am very much in love with him and the sex doesn't affect that for me. He makes comments like. " I don't feel I have to tell you I love you. You know I do. " He has been sober 3 years. We dated when he was an alcoholic. Then 8 months into him being sober he messages me saying he was sorry. The rest is history. I completely see the co-dependent behavior in me. and in him. I am lost. Before he came back into my life I was doing good. I had a great relationship with Jesus. and though I was alone. At least I was working on myself. I also have a chronic illness. Which is bad right now. I have asked him to be there for me. He then goes nuts saying, "see I told you I wouldn't make you happy."
I want to walk away so bad. Well, maybe that is not entirley true. I want to not NEED him anymore. Since it has taken me a while to get to this point I know it will take me a while to get back to a healthy place. NO MATTER HOW HE RESPONDS. I just want to be well again. I also know that I can not do it on my own. Been reading books on co-dependancy. Scary stuff. They say you have to find a group of people. I hope you all can become that group of people.
MissM said
Oct 1, 2016
This is definitely a good place to come and discuss you and your own thoughts/feelings/wants etc. I remember that exact same feeling to be honest; I didn't necessarily want to leave but I wanted to stop needing him and funnily enough al-anon turned out to be all about just that...being happy regardless of the actions of another person.
I was so surprised and a little bit freaked out to discover that there was no real need to talk about him (unless I needed to) because it was all about me and getting to know what I like/want/need. Revolutionary stuff for me (because actually, I had no idea before).
Strange but true, after a while I found I just wasn't obsessing over him anymore and there was a lot more room in my head for my own stuff. And his dramatisation of everything didn't affect me so much leaving me free to make decisions based on my own logic and not someone else's hysterical rantings.
All of that to say, I got what I wanted which was to not need him but rather to be able to make choices based on what I actually did want and need. For quite a while that meant staying with him and eventually it didn't.
Love your positive approach; have you picked up any al-anon literature amongst the codependence reading?
Nice to meet you anyway
fiercefemaleflyer said
Oct 1, 2016
I am sure you have all heard the same sob story but I truely believe God put him and I together. Its honstly not SO horrible. But I know enough to know if I don't change everything will go to hell. What has really compounded the problem is my chronic illness. Which I believe would be hard to deal with even semi-normal relationship skills. Anyways, enough ranting. The point is to be ok either way. I am not good to myself, anyone else, or him like this.
Looking forward to the continued support.
hotrod said
Oct 1, 2016
Welcome Fiercefemaleflyer, you are not alone. As Ms.M suggested, alanon literature and face o face meetings would be an excellent place to start. Alcoholism is a chronic disease over which we are powerless, it can be arrested and never cured. AA s the support group for the people who drink and alanon is the support group for family members. It is here where we break the isolation caused by living with the disease and develop new tools to live by. I urge you to check them out and keep coming back here as well. There is hope.
Freetime said
Oct 1, 2016
Welcome, Fierce! I believe you have come to the right place. I remember the point where I, too, came to realize that I needed to do something for me, for my own recovery, so I could be healthy and not allow myself to be destroyed by this dreadful disease. It's so great to read that you are at this point, because here is where we can turn the corner for ourselves.
I hear what you said about "if I don't change everything will go to hell." In my experience, especially dealing with illness, sometimes "hell" happens, but with program tools I was able to get through it from a much stronger place. Even when I could change one small thing, it was such a relief.
lookingup said
Oct 1, 2016
So glad your here fierce and so happy you found us ,I was in a similar relationship that I finally had to detach from and eventually ended it for the abuse became more than I could stand ,I to have health problems that I've put on the back burner for way to long for they only got worse I was more focused on my abf and what he was doing,etc,etc.im better today now that I'm been working the 12 steps with a great sponsor that's pulled me through the tough times and chaotic/drama life I was living in,more trauma ,with working my 12 steps,posting here ,keeping touch with my sponsor usually everyday except weekends I sometimes take off,I'm now on or ending my 4 th step ,it's been slow ,I'm going at my own pace almost a year now,enjoying every growing min.of it.saved my life ,I'm where I'm suppose to be today although I'm alone,I've finally got my sanity coming back or gaining sanity,Loki don't beleive I never had sanity living within with active a ,it sure is feeling great,my life is so much better today because of this wonderful program called alanon.Feirce,your not Alone............hugs,lu
Iamhere said
Oct 1, 2016
Welcome to MIP Fierce - glad you found us and glad you jumped right in to share...so sorry for what brings you here - we all arrive in our own time frame with our own issues - the disease creates drama/chaos in all our affairs it seems. You are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery.
Al-Anon helps us understand more about the disease and gives us tools to heal from the affects of it. I was able to let go of many habits and reactions that kept me stuck in my life and in the disease by working the steps and practicing the program in my life. There is freedom in recovery and I believe it saved my mind and my life.
I too suggest you find local meetings and attend. Local support and meetings can't ever be replaced by online efforts, no matter how great online is. Keep coming back!!
My "recovering alcoholic" I say recovering lightly as he quite going to AA about a year and a half into recovery. He doesn't drink but he has a hobby that consumes him. If I try to leave him or move away from him emotionally he freaks out. He does good for a couple weeks, then he freaks out at the relationship and puts distance between us. The relationship recently became sexually active. It did not change things for me as I am very much in love with him and the sex doesn't affect that for me. He makes comments like. " I don't feel I have to tell you I love you. You know I do. " He has been sober 3 years. We dated when he was an alcoholic. Then 8 months into him being sober he messages me saying he was sorry. The rest is history. I completely see the co-dependent behavior in me. and in him. I am lost. Before he came back into my life I was doing good. I had a great relationship with Jesus. and though I was alone. At least I was working on myself. I also have a chronic illness. Which is bad right now. I have asked him to be there for me. He then goes nuts saying, "see I told you I wouldn't make you happy."
I want to walk away so bad. Well, maybe that is not entirley true. I want to not NEED him anymore. Since it has taken me a while to get to this point I know it will take me a while to get back to a healthy place. NO MATTER HOW HE RESPONDS. I just want to be well again. I also know that I can not do it on my own. Been reading books on co-dependancy. Scary stuff. They say you have to find a group of people. I hope you all can become that group of people.
This is definitely a good place to come and discuss you and your own thoughts/feelings/wants etc. I remember that exact same feeling to be honest; I didn't necessarily want to leave but I wanted to stop needing him and funnily enough al-anon turned out to be all about just that...being happy regardless of the actions of another person.
I was so surprised and a little bit freaked out to discover that there was no real need to talk about him (unless I needed to) because it was all about me and getting to know what I like/want/need. Revolutionary stuff for me (because actually, I had no idea before).
Strange but true, after a while I found I just wasn't obsessing over him anymore and there was a lot more room in my head for my own stuff. And his dramatisation of everything didn't affect me so much leaving me free to make decisions based on my own logic and not someone else's hysterical rantings.
All of that to say, I got what I wanted which was to not need him but rather to be able to make choices based on what I actually did want and need. For quite a while that meant staying with him and eventually it didn't.
Love your positive approach; have you picked up any al-anon literature amongst the codependence reading?
Nice to meet you anyway
Looking forward to the continued support.
Welcome, Fierce! I believe you have come to the right place. I remember the point where I, too, came to realize that I needed to do something for me, for my own recovery, so I could be healthy and not allow myself to be destroyed by this dreadful disease. It's so great to read that you are at this point, because here is where we can turn the corner for ourselves.
I hear what you said about "if I don't change everything will go to hell." In my experience, especially dealing with illness, sometimes "hell" happens, but with program tools I was able to get through it from a much stronger place. Even when I could change one small thing, it was such a relief.
Al-Anon helps us understand more about the disease and gives us tools to heal from the affects of it. I was able to let go of many habits and reactions that kept me stuck in my life and in the disease by working the steps and practicing the program in my life. There is freedom in recovery and I believe it saved my mind and my life.
I too suggest you find local meetings and attend. Local support and meetings can't ever be replaced by online efforts, no matter how great online is. Keep coming back!!