AH has been gone for over a week. Got the text about his struggle and hope it wasn't too late to make amends, whatever that actually means. I know what it is supposed to mean, but coming from him? I didn't reply. Today the text was he doesn't want to continue like this. I just replied - I guess you'll have to come up with a plan and sounds like you have a lot to do. He started running more AA and IOP by me. These are exactly what he did before his bender. I think in my head why would any of it be different? I'm not going to tell him what to do. I asked him who his therapist is and when his acupuncture appointment is as he had planned. My motives weren't curiosity. It was passive aggressively pointing out he didn't have much of a plan. I know I shouldn't have. It's his plan and his choice. It was as if just saying it out loud would keep me safe from believing in him again. His answer was he needs a new name for both. I told him he knows how the insurance works so he can make some calls. I'm not doing any of it for him this time. He either wants help or he doesn't. I don't even believe he will be different. The idea of having him come back only to pull the same thing is an unpleasant thought. The voice in the back of my mind saying, maybe this is the time, has grown so soft I don't even know if that is being said anymore. I don't feel upset, just protective of the peace I've found. It's comfortable without him, the tension, the outbursts, the craziness. It's amazing how you don't feel lonely when you are alone, but feel SO lonely when someone is present and acting completely dissinterested in you and everything you do and say. It's not fair to charge him with this given what recovery can be. Maybe it's just fair to say his recovery disrupts my recovery too much, when he is actually sober and trying to recover. My daughter is sad He's gone. She spoke with him on the phone and I heard him say he was coming home in a day or two. When I asked what he had to say, she said "nothing". I asked if he shared any news. She said he hadn't. Does she not even believe him anymore? Maybe just in the middle...hope not. I stop and wonder why I am even putting any thought into him. It's just playing the game. I think why put any meaning behind anything he says? Because he might walk through the door. Then what? I need to think about me and my daughter. We are happy right here, right now, in this moment. This is real. The rest is a whole lot of smoke and mirrors and no place my mind should even venture. If he walks through the door, I'll deal with it then. No matter what I will be okay.

Thanks Jerry

((Sunmustshine))) You are not alone Keep the focus on yourself and trust HP

(((sunmustshine))) - sorry for the chaos/drama brought by the disease to you. You are right where you need to be and I love your last line - will be OK....you are not alone and there is help and hope - keep doing what you are doing and more will be revealed!

Thanks ladies. Your support and wisdom gives me strength.