So i thought i would share this aware on the off chance it will be 'heard and help bring comfort to another suffering through the same or similar .. one thing i know in alanon .. when we do the work we hear when we are supposed to and not a second sooner .. 

When i first came to alanon i came because of a meth addict .. i wasn't sure it was the place for me because i couldn't say at that time i was being effected by alcohol .. i decided to go anyway .. i went i shared on the a for a while and noone gave me answers so i left .. i thought .. this is never going to work for me ..  over the next year or so i spent a lot of time talking to another gal about her a and mine .. we talked about nothing else in pretty much all that time but what a couple of jerks our guys were .. then as they say in program .. higher power doing for us what we 'can't do for ourselves .. one night i sat there looking at our emails .. how many there were when suddenly it hit me .. low grade wow .. we did nothing for that entire time but talk about those two .. we didn't talk about anything else and i mean really nothing .. we didn't talk fun shopping meaningful topics .. we just sat and literally obsessed on them .. it was in that moment i realized (I) had an obsession problem .. so back to alanon i went .. this time sharing on me (course i blamed the A for near a year for 'my obsession) .. until i realized if i weren't obsessing on him i would be obsessing on bills .. family .. kids, etc .. (read a reading at that time that spoke about never leaving home) .. realized i never left home in my mind .. very enmeshed and stuck .. so then i began to share on me .. eventually i got a sponsor .. I remember telling my sponsor .. "i dunno what my problem is .. i said i am in the worst chaotic relationship and i feel 'powerless to stay and 'powerless to walk away" .. i said ''i am just so 'comfortable around him .. i feel like i have known him 'my 'entire life" .. her response at that point was .. you have Me .. you've known the 'behaviors .. her line hit me so deep i couldn't speak .. i could only look at her as i 'heard it .. my whole life .. i was comfortable yep . i was right at 'home .. it was then too that i began to become 'aware i had been effected by alcohol & isms for years .. i was definitely right where i was supposed to be (in alanon) .. 

So fast forward .. the addict and i were together for over 13 years .. when our relationship ended this last time around i felt all the doors 'close .. i knew that i knew that we would never be together again .. it was a power 'greater than us both for sure .. it was a very painful separation and many cold 'cuts .. my greatest fear was that he was going to go meet someone who made him happy .. i guess for me that meant my fear would be confirmed that if another girl made him happy then it really was all 'my fault .. that 'he never 'chose to get better .. that 'he was unhappy etc .. not addiction free yet .. oye 

my other greatest fear ? he would meet someone he felt 'comfortable around (someone he felt so 'comfortable around that he would feel he had known her 'his entire life) .. i get that today .. today near literally as i realized this just this week .. that if he goes and finds that one comfortable girl he'll be right at home .. in the middle of much he never dealt with .. repeat patterns for him .. 

but i also realized through his other broken relationships and a member who shared recently about her divorce from her husband years ago .. who is getting 'another divorce .. many broken relationships because the problem is also (inside them) .. they bring themselves with them 'everywhere they go .. just like my problems (in truth) are inside me .. it is so much easier (less painful) to look outward at them than to look inward at us sometimes .. 

anyway i am up late tonight with coffee and wanting company so i thought i would write this share .. it helps to have an online site to share in .. i am hurting tonight but i feel good in my mind if that reads sense .. i am grieving though deep .. i am also in the middle of more step work .. a fears list that goes with the fourth step .. funny i read the name of an article in the forum that was titled putting our fears behind us .. for a split second i thought well how am i gonna do that .. then suddenly there was the big epiphany .. oh Duh .. i am on my fear's list .. oye .. such a disease of needing constant reminders .. thanks for joining me in my late night if you have (_)?

I am reminded that "it works when we work it" and that there is no patented way that it does that yet Peace of mind and serenity will come to me when it does.  That is what happened even while I questioned myself over and over am I doing this right?  The part of the question I needed to answer was "Am I doing this"?  I listened with an open mind and followed the suggestions and got the literature and sponsor and and and....and I found serenity and then sanity as defined by the fellowship...I was doing it.  Yes I questioned the addicts and isms in my life and returned to focusing on the one most involved in compulsions to get better perspectives on...me.  I learned about the one person I had lived my entire life with and didn't know anything about...me...and then my Higher Power.

Came to believe ....that a power greater than Jerry F ... could restore me to sanity (a continuous and orderly process of thought).  I was learning stuff I had never known before and I never have given up my seat again.  When I learned about the alcoholics of others in the program I accepted the alcoholics I was born and raised with and chose for myself from what ever reason and I focused on my life which was the consequences of my choices and not the people in and around it.

Our program is a spiritual masterpiece when I follow the guideline...."If you keep and open mind...you will find help",  "Let go and Let ...",  "The name of my Higher Power is Love and love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are...Love is the opposite of fear and either cannot exist at the same time and place as the other".  The lessons kept and keep coming forward as I place myself where my Higher Power wants me and do the assigned tasks.

Nothing in life has the power to harm me without my permission and participation.

I appreciate coming here this evening and finding your growth and freedom...it encourages me and I am grateful.    Mahalo   ((((Me2to))))

Jerry you always bring me comfort .. i just so love reading from you because you have always helped me feel the power of this program .. I can just breathe this in literally ..

I love how you took the right off am i doing this .. i find i can still add that right .. and then i can feel that too .. the judgment of right wrong .. and then i can discourage 'myself and set myself up for feeling like that failure once again .. going to use that and revise my thinking on it ..

just this week i realized for myself my need to make things right with my higher power .. i recognized for years i have been trying to make things right with the As in my life .. me situations places things without having love in the center of it all ..

i met with my sponsor today and we sat for about an hour dumping a potential fears list .. i was so grateful because i recognized how much 'fear i still have in me .. but yesterday (before we met) i went to a meeting and read the forum with the topic .. "putting our fears 'behind us" (where they belong) .. i sort of laughed with her as 'once again when i read that i thought well how will i ever do that ? big smiles .. well hmm i wonder if this fear's list i am doing with her will help .. undoubtedly so ..  such a work in progress here .. still see many things in me i project onto higher power .. making higher power like me (or others in my life who were emotionally unable to restore me to sanity or serenity) ..

i am trying to sit and spend time with my hp meditations now daily .. i can still sit and share i don't know how to let go .. but it's always been an ongoing process .. thank you for helping me let go of a little more confusion tonight .. ((( hug received and returned and much needed ))) and thank you for the restating the reminder of .. if we  try to keep an open mind .. we will find help .. i am always coming to believe this a 'little more than i did the day before .. i read something very encouraging for those moments when i am frustrated with my inability to see things clearer or when once again i don't think they can or will change .. just the lines in a reading that read "at first we heard things at head level but eventually they sank to the heart" .. when i think of all i first heard at head level that eventually sank to the heart i know these areas in me today i am struggling with are no different .. we will eventually hear the solutions at heart level .. grow the wisdom to know them not just think them ..  

Im glad your here. I always get a lot from your shares, your way of writing it out, I like that. There was a few things you shared that struck me. First I relate to the idea of being obsessed, I can obsess about anything and everything if I allow my mind to go for it and it is the disease within us. Alcoholics and addicts are perfect for people like us with obsessive thinking. I also agree that we get constant reminders to do the work over and over, a gift maybe from our higher power. It was always about us and whats within us. I can avoid me through my obsessions, the truth of me becomes hazy and difficult to see when im obsessing and the denial can take hold because I tell myself my discomfort is an outside thing and I can live in that lie for a while until the discomfort gets too much and I put in the work. 

Im also looking at step 4 again, Im trying to go deeper, Im looking for emotional maturity, sounds great and cant wait to have it, lol. May take a whole lifetime though.

Jerry F wrote:

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I learned about the one person I had lived my entire life with and didn't know anything about...me...and then my Higher Power.

 

 

Thank you Jerry.  That line was very powerful for me.  I realize that in an effort to avoid myself, I have been very busy trying to understand and control others.

MeTwo2 wrote:

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.. i said ''i am just so 'comfortable around him .. i feel like i have known him 'my 'entire life" .. her response at that point was .. you have 

my other greatest fear ? he would meet someone he felt 'comfortable around (someone he felt so 'comfortable around that he would feel he had known her 'his entire life) .. i get that today .. today near literally as i realized this just this week .. that if he goes and finds that one comfortable girl he'll be right at home .. in the middle of much he never dealt with .. repeat patterns for him .. 

 

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This is so helpful for me, metwo2! I have so many people in my life who have been affected by alcoholism/addiction and I really want to (a) change the way I interact with them and (b) meet some new freakin' people and have different relationships (friendships, work, neighbors). Yeah, I guess when I feel like I've known someone new my entire life, I should hear some alarm bells. Thanks for this share.

lol e i m .. i can't help but smile even chuckle a little .. when i had this awareness too i thought if i ever have that feeling right at home with the other i meet again i better Run ! and not in circles like i did the 'first time .. going nowhere ..

I was so sad for a long time .. i just could not handle the fact he would actually walk out (i knew he loved us) but he couldn't (wouldn't) get honest with himself .. long time i thought that was just my denial .. but I've learned since .. just that i understand today that the more recovery i got the more 'uncomfortable he became .. it wasn't familiar anymore because he was comfortable with me 'too for the wrong reasons .. guess i began feeling 'less like home .. 

i like that they call groups our family and 'home groups .. because eventually i want to feel like i am home in situations outside meetings too .. healthier relationships .. has to begin with me .. i just have to keep 'letting it