When will this end? Probably never. My AH said he didn't want to drink during the week anymore but of course that was another lie.....ok, maybe not a lie but right now I am pissed off so I will call it what I want. I worked til 10 tonight so naturally he decided to drink. Then I get home at 11 to find no car in the driveway. Great. Now I am really pissed. It is one thing to put your own life in jeopardy but another when you do it to others. But I am not allowed to yell at him or even get mad because it is against the rules and will give him an excuse to drink more. Some days I have just had enough of the rollercoaster ride but this is my life and I choose to stay with the comittment I made......for better or for worse.
hotrod said
Sep 29, 2016
Hi Tired of it I can identify Glad that you came here and shared how you were feeling. It is understandable I found that fighting and that yelling at an alcoholic does not help the situation as it only disrupts our serenity . Keep coming back There is hope
Iamhere said
Sep 30, 2016
(((TiredofIt))) - sending you hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. I too can relate and understand the fear. You are not alone!
lookingup said
Sep 30, 2016
(((((Tired of it))))),we have meetings here online ,,mip,at 9 am and 9 pm every day,great meetings eastern time zone,would love for you to come join........lu,I'm using the tools of the program,and it's working,practice,practice,practice,all worth it .
Bethany66 said
Sep 30, 2016
Oh ToI, you are SO not alone!! I see my AH doing the same behavior. I hate getting lulled in to thinking his "controlled drinking" is working only to know the first night I don't come home at my normal hour, he will be drunk. Or, the weekend drinking turns in to a bender. And mine is famous for leaving in a vehicle (truck, motorcycle, golf cart) when I am not home or in the shower. It is so frustrating living with active alcoholism and sometimes we just want to scream!! I have never been so crazy as I can get when I don't vent here or in my F2F meetings and get reminded that this program will bring me the peace, calm and serenity I really crave if I allow the program to work in my life and work it to the best of my ability.
Keep coming back, keep reading program literature and keep focusing on your own health and happiness. Be gentle with yourself. It works if you work it and you're worth it!
Bethany
P.S. I need to read my OWN posts to others over and over and over and over!! :) You are not alone, believe me!!
milkwood said
Sep 30, 2016
I came to understand that loosing my serenity, either through anger or worry, only hurt me. So now I resolve to have a nice bath, put clean sheets on the bed, go for a walk, shout / marvel at the stars. whatever it is I feel like doing in that moment, I go ahead and do it (providing it leads straight to something positive and is entirely focused on my own self of course!).
I am allowed to yell and shout - but there came a point when I asked myself if it helped! You know the answer to that one!!!
tired of it said
Sep 30, 2016
Thanks for all of your replies! I would say that you have no idea how much it helps, but I know that we all come here because it helps.
My AH came home at 5:30 this morning. He was at our business which is close by all night. Finally went to work at 12:30. Normally, I would have checked messages and called customers but I didn't bother. He doesn't seem to think it is any big deal. Our customers will understand, he says. Problem is, they will and he will just continue to believe he has done nothing wrong.
He keeps asking if I am mad at him......he always asks this when he is drinking. WTF?? Excuse my language, but of course I am mad at him. I don't say that though because it will serve no purpose.
Jerry F said
Sep 30, 2016
Those questions and statements use to drive me crazy and then I learned in the program that it was exactly about MY INSANITY that I was there and not hers. Good lesson. Yelling at her was choice including hitting her and then I had to understand there were consequences for both her and I to those actions. I also learned that she could and would use acceptance of those to justify crazy remorse and future drinking and using events. This disease is masterful...cunning, powerful and baffling and then I found the slogan "THINK" and I practiced using that before my later responses and left a lot of the outcomes to her. When I stopped yelling and hitting she concluded that I didn't care anymore and then found out I did...mostly about myself, my sanity and my consequences. Thank you God for this program ((((hugs))))
maryjane said
Sep 30, 2016
When I stopped yelling and hitting she concluded that I didn't care anymore and then found out I did...mostly about myself, my sanity and my consequences.
-------------------------------------------
I love this part of your response, Jerry. When I stopped talking, worrying, fretting, checking up on, overcaring..... I was starting to conclude that I didn't care anymore about him, but I soon changed that into "I still care about him but I care about myself MORE". And he ratcheted up the response of "you don't love me anymore". "Why don't you do for me?" "I NEED you"..... and it was hard, very hard, to stay on my side of the street.
Bethany66 said
Sep 30, 2016
The "What's wrong?" and "Are you mad?" are crazy-making questions for sure. I have to take a deep breath and say "No, I am not mad"and mean it or else we are out of the station and barreling down the tracks on the crazy train.
Jerry F said
Sep 30, 2016
I understand Maryjane and the lessons continued as they were supposed to as I came to understand more with the willingness to understand more. Lots of the lessons that came were confusing because they were not "usual" thinking and perception for me...they were new and yes valid still.
I didn't know that I was operating under the feelings that I "needed" her and the unconscious feelings of need drove my insanity until one afternoon I had a nuclear lesson from a friend who told me a story about a co-worker who was getting anxious phone calls from a husband she was separated from. She told me (thank you God) of the phone call where he was anxious to return home and wanted her to consent and her reply to her husband was "I understand, I love you and I like having you here and...I don't need you". There was no "but" mentioned in that statement...it was all true and it scared me so much from inside my mis-understanding that I ran...drove 4 blocks from my friends home and sat and listened again to the statement trying to get over and away from my misconception of love versus need. My misconception was being challenged and I came to understand that I really didn't "NEED" my alcoholic/addict wife that I had and could still live my life within my own power and be responsible for the outcomes. I drove back to my friends house and thanked her profoundly for that awakening which I live with still.
The only entity I need in my life is my Higher Power which is not alcoholic and or addict and doesn't present me with negative influences at all.
Rocket Science mind blowing event ...glad I had my helmet on....LOL
el-cee said
Oct 1, 2016
I know how you feel we all felt like this before we were in alanon. I hope you can get to meetings because you won't feel this way free long if you can.
When will this end? Probably never. My AH said he didn't want to drink during the week anymore but of course that was another lie.....ok, maybe not a lie but right now I am pissed off so I will call it what I want. I worked til 10 tonight so naturally he decided to drink. Then I get home at 11 to find no car in the driveway. Great. Now I am really pissed. It is one thing to put your own life in jeopardy but another when you do it to others. But I am not allowed to yell at him or even get mad because it is against the rules and will give him an excuse to drink more. Some days I have just had enough of the rollercoaster ride but this is my life and I choose to stay with the comittment I made......for better or for worse.
Keep coming back, keep reading program literature and keep focusing on your own health and happiness. Be gentle with yourself. It works if you work it and you're worth it!
Bethany
P.S. I need to read my OWN posts to others over and over and over and over!! :) You are not alone, believe me!!
I am allowed to yell and shout - but there came a point when I asked myself if it helped! You know the answer to that one!!!
Thanks for all of your replies! I would say that you have no idea how much it helps, but I know that we all come here because it helps.
My AH came home at 5:30 this morning. He was at our business which is close by all night. Finally went to work at 12:30. Normally, I would have checked messages and called customers but I didn't bother. He doesn't seem to think it is any big deal. Our customers will understand, he says. Problem is, they will and he will just continue to believe he has done nothing wrong.
He keeps asking if I am mad at him......he always asks this when he is drinking. WTF?? Excuse my language, but of course I am mad at him. I don't say that though because it will serve no purpose.
Those questions and statements use to drive me crazy and then I learned in the program that it was exactly about MY INSANITY that I was there and not hers. Good lesson. Yelling at her was choice including hitting her and then I had to understand there were consequences for both her and I to those actions. I also learned that she could and would use acceptance of those to justify crazy remorse and future drinking and using events. This disease is masterful...cunning, powerful and baffling and then I found the slogan "THINK" and I practiced using that before my later responses and left a lot of the outcomes to her. When I stopped yelling and hitting she concluded that I didn't care anymore and then found out I did...mostly about myself, my sanity and my consequences. Thank you God for this program ((((hugs))))
-------------------------------------------
I love this part of your response, Jerry. When I stopped talking, worrying, fretting, checking up on, overcaring..... I was starting to conclude that I didn't care anymore about him, but I soon changed that into "I still care about him but I care about myself MORE". And he ratcheted up the response of "you don't love me anymore". "Why don't you do for me?" "I NEED you"..... and it was hard, very hard, to stay on my side of the street.
I understand Maryjane and the lessons continued as they were supposed to as I came to understand more with the willingness to understand more. Lots of the lessons that came were confusing because they were not "usual" thinking and perception for me...they were new and yes valid still.
I didn't know that I was operating under the feelings that I "needed" her and the unconscious feelings of need drove my insanity until one afternoon I had a nuclear lesson from a friend who told me a story about a co-worker who was getting anxious phone calls from a husband she was separated from. She told me (thank you God) of the phone call where he was anxious to return home and wanted her to consent and her reply to her husband was "I understand, I love you and I like having you here and...I don't need you". There was no "but" mentioned in that statement...it was all true and it scared me so much from inside my mis-understanding that I ran...drove 4 blocks from my friends home and sat and listened again to the statement trying to get over and away from my misconception of love versus need. My misconception was being challenged and I came to understand that I really didn't "NEED" my alcoholic/addict wife that I had and could still live my life within my own power and be responsible for the outcomes. I drove back to my friends house and thanked her profoundly for that awakening which I live with still.
The only entity I need in my life is my Higher Power which is not alcoholic and or addict and doesn't present me with negative influences at all.
Rocket Science mind blowing event ...glad I had my helmet on....LOL