It's so nerve-racking to me when I have a messenger conversation with my AS. This is probably the 4th time he's told me he is without a place to lay his head again. I feel alot of anxiety and worry when I hear this. I dont send money or even try and give him solutions. Thats my old pattern and I am trying to break the cycle one call at a time.My only response up till this point has been encouragement and prayers for him. I want to believe in what Im saying to him, but I really dont believe it yet. So when I get these calls I seem to be at a loss for words. i get stuck. I am powerless over the choices that hes making. In my mind, he could be doing so much more to help himself so that he will have a roof over his head. My anxiety goes thru the roof. Can anyone relate with this one, I know I am powerless over the choices he makes for himself, but evidently, somewhere deep inside me, I still have this belief that I do have some power over this situation in that all I would have to do to end this is help him out...one more time. Scary thinking. I do know better. But evidently, I need ESH. Thanks for letting me get it out.
hotrod said
Sep 28, 2016
Hi ((Seahorselady )) What you are feeling is understandable. You are a mom and deep down he will always be your child so be gentle with yourself and get to many meetings as possible and trust the process.
I have been there and felt that pain and so understand. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
seahorselady said
Sep 28, 2016
Thank you for graciously responding at such a late hour hotrod. Sometimes I just need to hear someone say that's its ok to have these feelings and to trust the process. I have played the mom/dad role for so long and always felt like I needed to be tough to get thru to my son. That takes as toll on you after so many years. I want to get to the point in my recovery where I can be a loving, warm mother to my son while allowing him every bit of the benefit of his choices...good or bad. I guess what im saying is i just want to be able to detach with love. Thank you again.
milkwood said
Sep 29, 2016
Hello Seahorselady,
Feeling anxiety under the circumstances seems completely natural to me, you care, why wouldn't you? Does it help? Oh gosh, I think that we all know the answer to that one! I am not sure why the alcohol gremlins seem to thrive on creating anxiety but it seems to me that they do.
In my circumstances I found that the more I was able to manage my anxiety the better things became. I used yoga and then also meditation exercises to help me to find some calm in the storm. I tried to have faith that my husband would find his own solutions and accepted that there was little that I could do, apart from disempower him, by stepping in and making it all ok. I agree, it is nerve wracking. It was my job to sooth those nerves!
Sending ((((hugs)))) and prayers for better things ahead.
lookingup said
Sep 29, 2016
I can relate as far as a loved one being out there homeless,not a son but a dearly loved brother that we can't reach,he because of his alcoholic life and addictions,has turned to the streets ,living in tent city camps with others of his like,no communication ,to the out side world or can I reach him unless he gets admitted into the hospital he calls our dad.i know it's completely diff. When it's a child out there,I'm using my tools of alanon,and saying the serenity prayer each day and lots of prayers for my loved one and praying for all the rest that's homeless.........your very strong ,I can see that in your post,keep coming back here and sharing,and using the tools of the program,,,,it works if we work it so let's work it cause we are worth it.love that saying..........prayers going out to you and your son,and that you will find peace in this sit..........lu
el-cee said
Sep 29, 2016
I totally feel for you. My son has been homeless too but somehow has always founds somewhere to stay. I cant live with his drinking. Its the hardest situation I have ever been in so I know how you feel right now. The program tells us that to help, offer a comfortable landing is enabling the disease and harm to continue. Allowing the proper consequences is exactly what you are doing, hes homeless due to his own choices and the more uncomfortable he feels with his situation the closer he will get to any kind of surrender or bottom and then a chance of recovery. Where I stay there are safety nets, there are homeless units. My son never chose to go to any of these places because, i feel, he didnt fully accept I meant no when I said it and so was couch surfing and it all seemed really awful and part of that was to manipulate me into doing what he wanted because that would allow the same old behaviours to continue. This tactic of trying to make me fearful was a well worn one that worked for years so I cant blame him but he thinks twice about what I say now because I say what I mean much more these days. If you take away his safety net which you are doing he may begin providing his own safety net and making improvements to his own life. Give him to God, wrap him in a fluffy blanket and know that his own higher power has got him right where he should be for his own journey. Good for you, you are doing brilliant. This is proper appropriate love and it feels so bad.
Iamhere said
Sep 29, 2016
I too can relate and it's very, very hard because we do love our children and want better for them. In my circumstance I stayed close to my meetings, my sponsor and HP as best I could. I tried to stay present and not dwell on the past or the future. Tons and tons of prayers. You are not alone and for me, the program kept me grounded in sanity through the best and worst of times. (((Hugs)))
seahorselady said
Sep 29, 2016
All of your post have brought me to tears because you all know how I feel. I needed to hear what each one of you had to said. Thank you for that. I also want to thank you for your hard earned ESH. We have all had to learn a new way of coping and handling our life's situations. We have been given a very difficult curriculum. I feel blessed to be able to come here and receive the benefit of your hard work. I'll use the tools that you offered for today. In gratitude, Dana
Bethany66 said
Sep 29, 2016
Lady,
I too have seen my son homeless in the past. I remember a session with a dear and wise counselor who told me that if I knew which bridge he was under, and I felt it was safe, I could bring him a sandwich and tell him I loved him, but in no uncertain terms was I to rescue him beyond that gesture. I never found that bridge and to be honest, I don't believe he ever slept under a bridge. I know he slept in the park and in a car. It is terribly painful to experience and it feels very wrong to allow it to play out as it must. But, my son told me a couple of years ago that he was thankful I didn't rescue him because he had to get to the lowest point before he realized he wanted no part of that lifestyle anymore. He is by no means perfect now, but he is holding down and job, taking care of his 5 year old son and has a roof over his and my grandson's head. I pray for him daily and he resides in my "God box". Take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
seahorselady said
Sep 29, 2016
Thank you Bethany- that gives me relief and hope.
el-cee said
Sep 29, 2016
I agree, thanks for that bethany, its good to hear from one mother to another that we are doing the right thing. Theres an alanon book, think its called, spiritual awakening, its got a share from a mother who found alanon too late to save her son, its stuck in my mind because she literally helped him and smothered him to death, reallu sad, thankfully throuh alanon she learned to forgive herself because she didnt know what she was dojng was killing him. Im so glad there are other mothers out there who understand. The other people, the normal, people, cant understand detachment with love. I hope your pain eases soon.x
Iamhere said
Sep 29, 2016
el-cee wrote:
I agree, thanks for that bethany, its good to hear from one mother to another that we are doing the right thing. Theres an alanon book, think its called, spiritual awakening, its got a share from a mother who found alanon too late to save her son, its stuck in my mind because she literally helped him and smothered him to death, reallu sad, thankfully throuh alanon she learned to forgive herself because she didnt know what she was dojng was killing him. Im so glad there are other mothers out there who understand. The other people, the normal, people, cant understand detachment with love. I hope your pain eases soon.x
Agree completely - great write up Bethany and thanks for the words el-cee.....I so agree that the normal people do not get attachment. I no longer discuss this disease with normal people - grateful Al-Anon gave me a safe place to share these things without judgement or advice. That doesn't happen with the 'normal' people in the real world...
tucker said
Sep 29, 2016
Along the same lines - I have an adult estranged son - there is always the sense that I have "lost" my child. I have dreams that there is a storm and my child is out in the dark rain and I need to go out and get him and lead him home. And I wake up in terror because I know that I cannot rescue him or bring him home.
It is difficult for me to look at all the happy families on Facebook. The so-called "normal" ones.
Thank God I found Al-Anon and all of you to show me the way. What a gift.
seahorselady said
Sep 29, 2016
Amazing shares Ladies - I can relate to all of you, especially the dreams, tucker, and am so grateful for all of your ESH
MeTwo2 said
Sep 30, 2016
all I would have to do to end this is help him out...one more time. Scary thinking. I do know better. But evidently, I need ESH. Thanks for letting me get it out.
relate to this in other ways .. isn't my son but the one more time .. i did so much enabling then beat myself for it then realized i couldn't be hard on myself .. some of that enabling was for me at a time when i had no alanon tools ... i needed to do what i did at that time in order to have my own serenity and to hold on to those pieces of mind .. really all i had left (pieces) .. alanon on the other hand helped enable 'me to have clearer thinking for healthier coping .. it also showed me i was 'never alone on the path .. there would always be others to help me carry my load .. and more than likely always someone somewhere on the path working through the same or at least having already had experienced what i was going through in the moment .. but even when i had alanon i had to realize it was a process that would take time .. awareness 'acceptance' action .. too many times i wanted to jump from awareness to action with no acceptance .. even feel guilt when i am aware and still unable to act .. til i remember i need 3 a's not 2 .. and time to grow ..
what hit me was the knowing better .. i always knew better too as in right from wrong but didn't always know a 'better way to move through what i was .. anger and fear (worry) made things harder for me .. i didn't know a better way to handle myself especially when our thinking becomes distorted .. grateful there are others too to help me reason when i need and to continue to learn a better way .. to also continue to come to believe every situation can change for the better .. have to remind myself i made people including myself so powerful for many years .. when it's hard to believe the alcoholics have their own higher power i have to remember they are not still here by their power .. (they're powerless too) for me i view this as they are still here by grace .. for many years i couldn't see they had a higher power too .. maybe because i still believed (I) was it .. thank god i am not because if i were there wouldn't be much reason for 'hope ..
just my thoughts in passing .. prayers out for you & for your son ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 30th of September 2016 01:30:52 AM
seahorselady said
Sep 30, 2016
Thank you Metwo2 - I had to reread and let it sink in. I think you hit the nail on the head, I have gone from Awareness to Action, I really have a hard time Accepting - I didnt look at that until I read this post, that really resonates with me. I must work on Accepting that I am not God, I have got to Let go and let god. Thank you
-- Edited by seahorselady on Friday 30th of September 2016 08:12:43 AM
MeTwo2 said
Sep 30, 2016
acceptance was very vague to me for many years .. today I recognize as I do this 2nd 4th step on a very deep layer .. I would begin my 4th then immediately in my subconscious mind my thinking would flip to this deep sort of subtle thought 'process of what am 'I going to do with this or that one .. how do I solve this .. until I realized my job in the 4th step is not to solve 'anything .. it's simple .. to see admit it without trying to force a solution and prepare to share on the 5th step with a sponsor .. I recognize today this is where and how acceptance grows .. (step work) .. I am definitely a work In progress but heard the steps at one point broken down this way .. they work if we work them .. (with another whose grown the understanding of them) .. steps 1 thru 3 are about Awareness .. steps 4 thru 8 are about Acceptance .. steps 9 thru 12 are about New Action .. they work 'together inside us over time .. realistic walk .. one day at a time .. still working on letting go as well .. letting god may take me a life time but I guess if I let Him for Real .. may be a little shorter half ha .. I am still growing and because it's a spiritual program relate .. there have been 'many things I have had to read and reread again .. been reading those books and daily readers in fact for 13 years .. .. (( glad you're here .. me too ))
Bethany66 said
Sep 30, 2016
It will never cease to amaze me how HP works through the sharing of others. HP speaks to me so often through my own sharing (courage to say what I feel) and others sharing and responses. It really is a miracle.
It's so nerve-racking to me when I have a messenger conversation with my AS. This is probably the 4th time he's told me he is without a place to lay his head again. I feel alot of anxiety and worry when I hear this. I dont send money or even try and give him solutions. Thats my old pattern and I am trying to break the cycle one call at a time.My only response up till this point has been encouragement and prayers for him. I want to believe in what Im saying to him, but I really dont believe it yet. So when I get these calls I seem to be at a loss for words. i get stuck. I am powerless over the choices that hes making. In my mind, he could be doing so much more to help himself so that he will have a roof over his head. My anxiety goes thru the roof. Can anyone relate with this one, I know I am powerless over the choices he makes for himself, but evidently, somewhere deep inside me, I still have this belief that I do have some power over this situation in that all I would have to do to end this is help him out...one more time. Scary thinking. I do know better. But evidently, I need ESH. Thanks for letting me get it out.
I have been there and felt that pain and so understand. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Feeling anxiety under the circumstances seems completely natural to me, you care, why wouldn't you? Does it help? Oh gosh, I think that we all know the answer to that one! I am not sure why the alcohol gremlins seem to thrive on creating anxiety but it seems to me that they do.
In my circumstances I found that the more I was able to manage my anxiety the better things became. I used yoga and then also meditation exercises to help me to find some calm in the storm. I tried to have faith that my husband would find his own solutions and accepted that there was little that I could do, apart from disempower him, by stepping in and making it all ok. I agree, it is nerve wracking. It was my job to sooth those nerves!
Sending ((((hugs)))) and prayers for better things ahead.
I totally feel for you. My son has been homeless too but somehow has always founds somewhere to stay. I cant live with his drinking. Its the hardest situation I have ever been in so I know how you feel right now. The program tells us that to help, offer a comfortable landing is enabling the disease and harm to continue. Allowing the proper consequences is exactly what you are doing, hes homeless due to his own choices and the more uncomfortable he feels with his situation the closer he will get to any kind of surrender or bottom and then a chance of recovery. Where I stay there are safety nets, there are homeless units. My son never chose to go to any of these places because, i feel, he didnt fully accept I meant no when I said it and so was couch surfing and it all seemed really awful and part of that was to manipulate me into doing what he wanted because that would allow the same old behaviours to continue. This tactic of trying to make me fearful was a well worn one that worked for years so I cant blame him but he thinks twice about what I say now because I say what I mean much more these days. If you take away his safety net which you are doing he may begin providing his own safety net and making improvements to his own life. Give him to God, wrap him in a fluffy blanket and know that his own higher power has got him right where he should be for his own journey. Good for you, you are doing brilliant. This is proper appropriate love and it feels so bad.
I too have seen my son homeless in the past. I remember a session with a dear and wise counselor who told me that if I knew which bridge he was under, and I felt it was safe, I could bring him a sandwich and tell him I loved him, but in no uncertain terms was I to rescue him beyond that gesture. I never found that bridge and to be honest, I don't believe he ever slept under a bridge. I know he slept in the park and in a car. It is terribly painful to experience and it feels very wrong to allow it to play out as it must. But, my son told me a couple of years ago that he was thankful I didn't rescue him because he had to get to the lowest point before he realized he wanted no part of that lifestyle anymore. He is by no means perfect now, but he is holding down and job, taking care of his 5 year old son and has a roof over his and my grandson's head. I pray for him daily and he resides in my "God box". Take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
Thank you Bethany- that gives me relief and hope.
I agree, thanks for that bethany, its good to hear from one mother to another that we are doing the right thing. Theres an alanon book, think its called, spiritual awakening, its got a share from a mother who found alanon too late to save her son, its stuck in my mind because she literally helped him and smothered him to death, reallu sad, thankfully throuh alanon she learned to forgive herself because she didnt know what she was dojng was killing him. Im so glad there are other mothers out there who understand. The other people, the normal, people, cant understand detachment with love. I hope your pain eases soon.x
Agree completely - great write up Bethany and thanks for the words el-cee.....I so agree that the normal people do not get attachment. I no longer discuss this disease with normal people - grateful Al-Anon gave me a safe place to share these things without judgement or advice. That doesn't happen with the 'normal' people in the real world...
It is difficult for me to look at all the happy families on Facebook. The so-called "normal" ones.
Thank God I found Al-Anon and all of you to show me the way. What a gift.
all I would have to do to end this is help him out...one more time. Scary thinking. I do know better. But evidently, I need ESH. Thanks for letting me get it out.
thank god i am not 
because if i were there wouldn't be much reason for 'hope .. 
relate to this in other ways .. isn't my son but the one more time .. i did so much enabling then beat myself for it then realized i couldn't be hard on myself .. some of that enabling was for me at a time when i had no alanon tools ... i needed to do what i did at that time in order to have my own serenity and to hold on to those pieces of mind .. really all i had left (pieces) .. alanon on the other hand helped enable 'me to have clearer thinking for healthier coping .. it also showed me i was 'never alone on the path .. there would always be others to help me carry my load .. and more than likely always someone somewhere on the path working through the same or at least having already had experienced what i was going through in the moment .. but even when i had alanon i had to realize it was a process that would take time .. awareness 'acceptance' action .. too many times i wanted to jump from awareness to action with no acceptance .. even feel guilt when i am aware and still unable to act .. til i remember i need 3 a's not 2 .. and time to grow ..
what hit me was the knowing better .. i always knew better too as in right from wrong but didn't always know a 'better way to move through what i was .. anger and fear (worry) made things harder for me .. i didn't know a better way to handle myself especially when our thinking becomes distorted .. grateful there are others too to help me reason when i need and to continue to learn a better way .. to also continue to come to believe every situation can change for the better .. have to remind myself i made people including myself so powerful for many years .. when it's hard to believe the alcoholics have their own higher power i have to remember they are not still here by their power .. (they're powerless too) for me i view this as they are still here by grace .. for many years i couldn't see they had a higher power too .. maybe because i still believed (I) was it ..
just my thoughts in passing .. prayers out for you & for your son ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 30th of September 2016 01:30:52 AM
Thank you Metwo2 - I had to reread and let it sink in. I think you hit the nail on the head, I have gone from Awareness to Action, I really have a hard time Accepting - I didnt look at that until I read this post, that really resonates with me. I must work on Accepting that I am not God, I have got to Let go and let god. Thank you
-- Edited by seahorselady on Friday 30th of September 2016 08:12:43 AM