hello again,hope all is well.i seem to find qualifiers ,is this normal ? Even though I'm living alone .i found a young 32 yo man that has asked to borrow my lawnmower and keep my yard mowed in return of using my mower,I'm easy to make freinds ,we have become freinds ,him and his mom.theyve agreed to pay me to run them places get groceries etc,etc,now it's started costing me here in the long run,little or no gas,wear n tear on my car taking them places,their new here in this town and know nobody,I've helped them in many ways to get on their feet.then they said that we can be freinds and help each other out,it's not working that way,in the last few days I've started really backing off out of this friendship thing,now they asking if I'm mad ,I simply said no that I've been busy,ive found him to be on heavy drugs that his mother supports his habit and in return he takes care of her,she has a good paying job,anyway I don't need to be rambling,just that I'm trying to put this all in perspective,and know how I'm gonna have to start saying no to running them all over town,or put a reasonable amount of gas in at a set price,my price not theirs,it's my car my time,they also spend hours in stores shopping while I sit in car waiting,yes I had to stop it somehow do I did,by backing off and not being joking with them,cut up Freind so I can be used,gonna start by either saying no or this is my prices for taking you and waiting or no altogether.i seem to find qualifiers they don't really have to find me or both ways,I get all involved with ppl,only to have to end up backing out of the relationship best I can,I've found myself stuck in situations with others then find it difficult trying to back out completely,I've always said ...I can get myself out of anything I get myself into into the past,but why even get myself in it in the 1st place?is my ? Today I can't be that blinded,with others.....thanks for listening and again rambling as usual.....hugs lu
jojo8466 said
Sep 28, 2016
I do the same thing!!! It's like everyone that I pick to be in my life has addiction issues. I guess I'm just meant to be a hermit!
hotrod said
Sep 28, 2016
((LU)) you are a generous compassionate, loving person and that is an asset!!! lAanon meetings have pointed out to me that many of my defects are really" assets" that have become distorted and destructive to my life by attempting to cope with the disease of alcoholism.
I believe that in recovery we are placed in situations so we can develop new tools to live by. It is important here to learn to draw a healthy boundary ,so as you are not sacrificing your time and finances to please anyone.
I would suggest that you renegotiate your agreement with these people by advising them that your time is limited and that you will only be able to take them to a store if you are going yourself and that borrowing the lawn mower is acceptable as long as they mow your lawn on the same day.
Remember it is all a process so keep showing up and sharing
lookingup said
Sep 28, 2016
Lol,jojo,same here a hermit,makes me want to be a hermit away from people that want to use
They seem to be so trustworthy,and constantly promising,and that they'll get my back ,yada,yada,yada.
Goes for everybody nearly that comes into my life ,I find them to not be dependable people unless it's for theirselves that they need something.ive mostly always take care of my own needs and do for others at my expense don't mean for it to be that way but always ends up like that,cost wise.i do love people then I end up in resentment, frustrated,mad ,etc,at my not paying attention to the red flags,
Again I'm only human and have to learn from my mistakes of allowing others to cost me a lot ....I'm even putting everything that I've loaned to them under lock and key from now on,for there's been theft going on in my area,and I know of his stealing ,he has told me he does when he needs something that he has no money for.i just hate I let things get as far as they do before I end it,when if I'd only in beginning realized that there was a reason all the sudden they become best freinds with me ,I do need to change something in me,a lot of things in me needs changing ,I'm a legit alanoner,and proud of it,as alanon has said what do us alanoners need to change about ourselves?.....EVERTHING !
lookingup said
Sep 28, 2016
Thank you Betty and Jojo for your esh,I'm been working on my defects list by writing them down,I've got a good page written ,do my assets everyday,haven't been on my defects list in weeks,still think of a few defects that I need to write down.im full of defects ,not good ones and I'm so realizing that I have the same defects as my qualifiers,foo.its shocking to see that I'd been as bad or worse behaviors than them,I seem to be working on my defects a little here and a little there as I work my program I've noticed that I'm working on my defects as well,I find amazing,and I'm having the aha moments I've heard talked about here,just little bits here and there...... And I'm grateful. That this is a we program , that I'm not alone,helps a lot ......
jojo8466 said
Sep 28, 2016
lookingup wrote:
Lol,jojo,same here a hermit,makes me want to be a hermit away from people that want to use They seem to be so trustworthy,and constantly promising,and that they'll get my back ,yada,yada,yada. Goes for everybody nearly that comes into my life ,I find them to not be dependable people unless it's for theirselves that they need something.ive mostly always take care of my own needs and do for others at my expense don't mean for it to be that way but always ends up like that,cost wise.i do love people then I end up in resentment, frustrated,mad ,etc,at my not paying attention to the red flags, Again I'm only human and have to learn from my mistakes of allowing others to cost me a lot ....I'm even putting everything that I've loaned to them under lock and key from now on,for there's been theft going on in my area,and I know of his stealing ,he has told me he does when he needs something that he has no money for.i just hate I let things get as far as they do before I end it,when if I'd only in beginning realized that there was a reason all the sudden they become best freinds with me ,I do need to change something in me,a lot of things in me needs changing ,I'm a legit alanoner,and proud of it,as alanon has said what do us alanoners need to change about ourselves?.....EVERTHING !
I've decided I should go work for the FBI because I would be able to pick out all the criminals for them due to my broken picker outer! LOL. I'm just going to be by myself for awhile.....I know what I'm like and I can tolerate that. LOL
lookingup said
Sep 28, 2016
Thanks for your sharing Jojo,my picker has been broken also,by working the steps with a sponsor,I'm learning a lot.its still really hard to spot those Redflags I think in all honesty I can see most Redflags it's just that I'm good at ignoring them especially when everything is going my way ,the flatter,kindness,and respect,is always there at the beginning of relationships and for the 1st year.oh and caring,I'm fall for it everytime or I have always,I'm single also jojo,and it's a great learning process.
Fooled said
Oct 1, 2016
For me its co dependence. I am a nurse. I am naturally co dependent as well. In my work my care of others and their improvement is what drives my care plan, my performance evaluation professionally. I often carry that over in to my personal life. The key to that is self care. When my cup is empty and I haven't replenished it I get frustrated and mad at myself and these blood suckers. Perfect example is my best friend. She is a great person and doesn't have a mean bone in her body, most of the time our friendship is reciprocal. However she is very judgmental. I know this and accept this. She has chosen to be a foster to these wonderful little boys that I love to death. They call me Gigi and I treasure the time I get to spend with them. I volunteer to watch them every Wednesday. The one has severe medical needs as he is a heroin baby and a fetal alcohol syndrome baby. The other is psychologically damaged. They are a lot of work. I enjoy these Wednesdays as it feeds my codependency. I meet their needs and they are thriving and loving me and I get kisses and hugs. Sometimes though I have to put in extra days because my friend has made commitments that as a single mother might be unjustified and it is expected that I watch them. Sometimes I get aggravated because it complicates my work schedule and things I have committed to in my life. I know then that I have to replenish my cup. I take a night to myself and do my artwork, shut off my phone, take a bubble bath, take a walk on the beach or listen to some Christian music. No is a complete sentence and sometimes I just have to say No.
lookingup said
Oct 1, 2016
Thank you Fooled for your wonderful esh,and so it is with us codependent personalities we have to take a day off to replenish our cup,thanks for sharing that and about your wonderful grand adopted children,I know they are a bundle of joy to you,your very blessed to have them .and no is a complete sentence ,I have used it many a times,my freinds and foo are alarmed by it ,but it works well for me.one of my freinds has even started using the word no with me,I'm fine with it .makes everything much easier......thanks for sharing everybody......lu
maryjane said
Oct 1, 2016
Learning how to say "no" is one of the hardest things I had to do. After many years of it I am pretty good at it now. We are always the "nicest" people in the room. We want to be liked. We want to be helpful. We want to work hard. All those assets are to the extreme and do not benefit us.
Keep on taking care of yourself.
Iamhere said
Oct 1, 2016
I too had great difficulty with learning to say No....with my own boys, at some point in their teen years, No became maybe and maybe became Yes. I had to learn to say what I mean, mean what I say, and stick to my boundaries. It was a huge challenge for me with them and others too. With practice, it got easier. If the word No sounded to direct, I was able to say, I am not comfortable with that.
Hang in there LU - awareness is half the answer for many things!!
lookingup said
Oct 2, 2016
Thank you all for your sharing,and yes maryjane we are all so nice people,I'm always told I'm such a nice person especially when I'm being used I was always told I was nice and we do go to the extreme with our assets,I know I have and do ,I'm learning now to say no and mean it just got to learn now how to say no in a nice way ,lol.been nice way to long,and I like that ,I am not comfortable with that IAH ,that's a fairly new one to me ,I will have to start saying that,it sounds like it may be my new saying,softens the blow a bit before saying no ..........
hello again,hope all is well.i seem to find qualifiers ,is this normal ? Even though I'm living alone .i found a young 32 yo man that has asked to borrow my lawnmower and keep my yard mowed in return of using my mower,I'm easy to make freinds ,we have become freinds ,him and his mom.theyve agreed to pay me to run them places get groceries etc,etc,now it's started costing me here in the long run,little or no gas,wear n tear on my car taking them places,their new here in this town and know nobody,I've helped them in many ways to get on their feet.then they said that we can be freinds and help each other out,it's not working that way,in the last few days I've started really backing off out of this friendship thing,now they asking if I'm mad ,I simply said no that I've been busy,ive found him to be on heavy drugs that his mother supports his habit and in return he takes care of her,she has a good paying job,anyway I don't need to be rambling,just that I'm trying to put this all in perspective,and know how I'm gonna have to start saying no to running them all over town,or put a reasonable amount of gas in at a set price,my price not theirs,it's my car my time,they also spend hours in stores shopping while I sit in car waiting,yes I had to stop it somehow do I did,by backing off and not being joking with them,cut up Freind so I can be used,gonna start by either saying no or this is my prices for taking you and waiting or no altogether.i seem to find qualifiers they don't really have to find me or both ways,I get all involved with ppl,only to have to end up backing out of the relationship best I can,I've found myself stuck in situations with others then find it difficult trying to back out completely,I've always said ...I can get myself out of anything I get myself into into the past,but why even get myself in it in the 1st place?is my ? Today I can't be that blinded,with others.....thanks for listening and again rambling as usual.....hugs lu
I believe that in recovery we are placed in situations so we can develop new tools to live by. It is important here to learn to draw a healthy boundary ,so as you are not sacrificing your time and finances to please anyone.
I would suggest that you renegotiate your agreement with these people by advising them that your time is limited and that you will only be able to take them to a store if you are going yourself and that borrowing the lawn mower is acceptable as long as they mow your lawn on the same day.
Remember it is all a process so keep showing up and sharing
They seem to be so trustworthy,and constantly promising,and that they'll get my back ,yada,yada,yada.
Goes for everybody nearly that comes into my life ,I find them to not be dependable people unless it's for theirselves that they need something.ive mostly always take care of my own needs and do for others at my expense don't mean for it to be that way but always ends up like that,cost wise.i do love people then I end up in resentment, frustrated,mad ,etc,at my not paying attention to the red flags,
Again I'm only human and have to learn from my mistakes of allowing others to cost me a lot ....I'm even putting everything that I've loaned to them under lock and key from now on,for there's been theft going on in my area,and I know of his stealing ,he has told me he does when he needs something that he has no money for.i just hate I let things get as far as they do before I end it,when if I'd only in beginning realized that there was a reason all the sudden they become best freinds with me ,I do need to change something in me,a lot of things in me needs changing ,I'm a legit alanoner,and proud of it,as alanon has said what do us alanoners need to change about ourselves?.....EVERTHING !
I've decided I should go work for the FBI because I would be able to pick out all the criminals for them due to my broken picker outer! LOL. I'm just going to be by myself for awhile.....I know what I'm like and I can tolerate that. LOL
Keep on taking care of yourself.
Hang in there LU - awareness is half the answer for many things!!