I'm up late tonight and since I have once again managed to not be able to log in to the other room, I decided to venture to this one .. I Love alanon (and always will) .. I also appreciate So much we can always find fellowship (even when we've been away) ..
I am feeling So much guilt with myself .. Mainly for my relationship part with Higher Power (whom I 'choose to call God while respecting others as well as myself) ..
Somehow I can still Feel I am Supposed to have Perfect faith loyalty you name it in the relationship .. truth is I recognized some years back how much I can parallel the alcoholic (behaviors) in my relationships Even with HP .. Their are many times I show up to God the same way (if not worse) than the alcoholic showed up to me .. I make promises I can't or don't end up keeping .. I get distracted with my own addictions and don't come back when I say I will, etc .. I make many excuses and can slip back into denial .. there are times I take what I like leaving my hp .. (another slip) and I am a work in progress definitely .. there are times I don't say what I mean or mean what I say and times I take the relationship for granted .. I hate these things in me .. somehow I know perfection is underneath it all .. as well as some confusion on my part .. along with the reality forgiveness for me is still hardest for me .. but that's step 9 .. still moving toward 2nd time around .. anyway I hate that I have doubts .. pretty sure the hard on me comes through years of spiritual unmanageability .. growing up we had a lot of rigid (walls) rules and regulations without the healthy relationship .. relationships therefore became hard for me .. I still feel like (sometimes) I am supposed to show up to my higher power as perfect as my higher power is .. I can't .. I need to be changed but I am recognizing something this week .. a bitter sweet reminder in regard to alcoholism . (thinking disease not Just drinking (bottle always gets the blame before the alcoholic .. at least much of the time .. that parts no different than when I would Blame the alcoholic for my Every problem in life .. our problems begin with our distorted thinking) .. anyway I remember once when I was learning about the 3 c's .. can't control cause change cure alcoholism .. at that time I was also battling my own addictions .. still do (food smoking over spending or squandering) .. etc .. but I remember hearing I can't control change cure even those (alone) .. I had 2 choices .. I could either turn my life (Me) over to the care of higher power and allow god to change me and these things for the better Or I could let them control and change Me because I had no control or power to change anything 'alone ..
Point in the above is that I see when I see my own behaviors I don't like .. it's because the addictions have changed me .. when I would get So sucked into the Ugly behavior of the alcoholic(s) had No idea their addictions were also changing them for the worst .. anyway I am merely sharing this tonight because I am alone; it's quiet; and once again I feel distant from my higher (my HP doesn't change .. I do) .. and then of course I become lonely and frustrated (regardless of who or what is around me) ..
what I am really seeing tonight Is I used to think I over analyze .. I don't anymore we read in every meeting here on my end offline .. ''let'' the love (and understanding) grow inside you one day at a time .. I think the understanding I have grown through the years is many times the 'Exact nature of our wrongs is 'human' nature .. truth is I am seeing if I am believing I need to be Perfect with my higher power then I am back in Ego .. if I am surprised that I make mistakes then I am arrogant and not allowing myself to become a better me .. shame really is a blocker .. on the other hand .. in a real relationship I at least want to make an effort .. I am just mad at myself when I don't make that effort and wondering if somehow I am once again not recognizing or admitting to myself I am powerless over some things Even in me .. I still need god to do the changing .. my own fear lack of faith among other things changes me too for the worst .. I am still trying to turn those over .. So .. pretty deep in depth share here .. but really just still (metaphorically) speaking becoming emotionally sober .. I was drunk on feelings and confusion for many years .. I also have moments where in my distorted thinking I can project my own distortions onto god making it pretty hard to see the love in him (that is missing in me) .. ugh I really hate this disease sometimes ..
thanks for letting me share.. not easy for me to come on here and admit all this .. fact it's just plain hard .. (but necessary for me to change) .. not at all the 'priceless' gift of serenity (or sanity) .. costs me my ego for sure ..
hotrod said
Sep 28, 2016
Me Two 2, I can identify. Thanks to program, I too became able to recognize, my destructive attitudes, feelings and actions. I know that I developed the negative tools of "denial and pretend "in order to navigate the painful reality of living with this disease. Thanks to program tools, I can now show up one day at a time ,trusting HP ,working the Steps and Slogans trusting that life is a process and will unfold as it should.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Iamhere said
Sep 28, 2016
MeTwo2 - good to see you again. I love your share - it's honest, self-focused and so telling of the awareness you have. During my time in recovery, I have had doubts, fears, concerns, etc. about my lot in life, my spiritual growth, my understanding of HP (also call God) and many, many other things. I believe that self-assessment and doubt for me are catalysts for change wanted or needed. I love that we are only to concern ourselves with One Day at a Time. My mind so wants to wonder to the past, the future, to others, what they are/are not doing, etc. In our program of recovery, we are only asked to focus on ourselves, align spiritually, stay open and live One Day at a Time.
Anytime I get to dwelling beyond these parameters, for one reason or another, my thinking still has a negative slant to it. I do believe it's part of the disease - and agree that this disease is a thinking disease. This applies to both sides of the program, and it is often my own mind that gets me sidetracked from the here and now. Betty often suggests gratitude lists and asset lists, and they are so helpful in my recovery for realizing I am a child of a God who truly wants me happy, joyous and free. I do not believe he wants me held down by my past or held hostage to my thoughts, this disease, another person or anything. I believe he wants me to sing loudly, dance in the rain, smile freely at others and offer service when I am able.
Accepting that I am human and he's got the bigger picture gives me peace in moments of mental turbulence. There is a line in the Big Book that suggests, "We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." It popped into my head as I read your post and I refer to this often when I am having a spiritual crisis.....for me, when I doubt myself, my growth or my spiritual position, I am grateful to find out time and time again that it's my own thinking that is distorted, not my being.
(((Hugs))) - you're not alone and it's a new day! Be gentle with you and know that we're all where we are supposed to be in this moment, on this day. Keep coming back!
MeTwo2 said
Sep 28, 2016
thanks to you both for your replies .. helpful ..
betty I needed to read the denial and 'pretend .. In fact I think my denial was to tell myself for years my relationship with HP was Real and Great because my other relationships were harming and humiliating (controlling) .. I think my denial once again wants to tell myself things are better than they are in reality .. (comfort in seeing that; relief to let go) really see though I think years I had a 'pretend relationship with hp too .. as I begin to recognize it as more real I am grateful to also recognize the pretend changing to real .. I get stuck when I 'slip back into that just like that thinking (illusion) .. even my relationship with hp . many years had others bringing Me the to Do list (instead of god) .. grew great confusion .. fear too .. I judged myself by others (distorted thinking) ..
and seeing this relates to your reply as well I am here (good to see you too) .. because the we are not saints .. when I grew up I think we watched for saints .. tried to be saints .. we were supposed to do everything just like that (like them if we wanted to reach heaven) and even the saints didn't do that or anything really rather they became 'willing to reach every level inside themselves and offer their service .. (my view) they more than likely had to go back Often considering they too were Human .. sigh ..the one day at a time perameter is so needed .. I am definitely not in one day at a time today .. I am projecting all the way into forever ? pulling myself back and thanking you both 'again ..
went to the online meeting this morning and recognize for me .. it's hard to 'focus when I am grieving .. I end up focusing on the 'feelings (the anger frustration fear worry Tired) .. regrouping now .. (receiving & returning hugs) .. much needed
I'm up late tonight and since I have once again managed to not be able to log in to the other room, I decided to venture to this one .. I Love alanon (and always will) .. I also appreciate So much we can always find fellowship (even when we've been away) ..
I am feeling So much guilt with myself .. Mainly for my relationship part with Higher Power (whom I 'choose to call God while respecting others as well as myself) ..
Somehow I can still Feel I am Supposed to have Perfect faith loyalty you name it in the relationship .. truth is I recognized some years back how much I can parallel the alcoholic (behaviors) in my relationships Even with HP .. Their are many times I show up to God the same way (if not worse) than the alcoholic showed up to me .. I make promises I can't or don't end up keeping .. I get distracted with my own addictions and don't come back when I say I will, etc .. I make many excuses and can slip back into denial .. there are times I take what I like leaving my hp .. (another slip) and I am a work in progress definitely .. there are times I don't say what I mean or mean what I say and times I take the relationship for granted .. I hate these things in me .. somehow I know perfection is underneath it all .. as well as some confusion on my part .. along with the reality forgiveness for me is still hardest for me .. but that's step 9 .. still moving toward 2nd time around .. anyway I hate that I have doubts .. pretty sure the hard on me comes through years of spiritual unmanageability .. growing up we had a lot of rigid (walls) rules and regulations without the healthy relationship .. relationships therefore became hard for me .. I still feel like (sometimes) I am supposed to show up to my higher power as perfect as my higher power is .. I can't .. I need to be changed but I am recognizing something this week .. a bitter sweet reminder in regard to alcoholism . (thinking disease not Just drinking (bottle always gets the blame before the alcoholic .. at least much of the time .. that parts no different than when I would Blame the alcoholic for my Every problem in life .. our problems begin with our distorted thinking) .. anyway I remember once when I was learning about the 3 c's .. can't control cause change cure alcoholism .. at that time I was also battling my own addictions .. still do (food smoking over spending or squandering) .. etc .. but I remember hearing I can't control change cure even those (alone) .. I had 2 choices .. I could either turn my life (Me) over to the care of higher power and allow god to change me and these things for the better Or I could let them control and change Me because I had no control or power to change anything 'alone ..
Point in the above is that I see when I see my own behaviors I don't like .. it's because the addictions have changed me .. when I would get So sucked into the Ugly behavior of the alcoholic(s) had No idea their addictions were also changing them for the worst .. anyway I am merely sharing this tonight because I am alone; it's quiet; and once again I feel distant from my higher (my HP doesn't change .. I do) .. and then of course I become lonely and frustrated (regardless of who or what is around me) ..
what I am really seeing tonight Is I used to think I over analyze .. I don't anymore we read in every meeting here on my end offline .. ''let'' the love (and understanding) grow inside you one day at a time .. I think the understanding I have grown through the years is many times the 'Exact nature of our wrongs is 'human' nature .. truth is I am seeing if I am believing I need to be Perfect with my higher power then I am back in Ego .. if I am surprised that I make mistakes then I am arrogant and not allowing myself to become a better me .. shame really is a blocker .. on the other hand .. in a real relationship I at least want to make an effort .. I am just mad at myself when I don't make that effort and wondering if somehow I am once again not recognizing or admitting to myself I am powerless over some things Even in me .. I still need god to do the changing .. my own fear lack of faith among other things changes me too for the worst .. I am still trying to turn those over .. So .. pretty deep in depth share here .. but really just still (metaphorically) speaking becoming emotionally sober .. I was drunk on feelings and confusion for many years .. I also have moments where in my distorted thinking I can project my own distortions onto god making it pretty hard to see the love in him (that is missing in me) .. ugh I really hate this disease sometimes ..
thanks for letting me share.. not easy for me to come on here and admit all this .. fact it's just plain hard .. (but necessary for me to change) .. not at all the 'priceless' gift of serenity (or sanity) .. costs me my ego for sure ..
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Anytime I get to dwelling beyond these parameters, for one reason or another, my thinking still has a negative slant to it. I do believe it's part of the disease - and agree that this disease is a thinking disease. This applies to both sides of the program, and it is often my own mind that gets me sidetracked from the here and now. Betty often suggests gratitude lists and asset lists, and they are so helpful in my recovery for realizing I am a child of a God who truly wants me happy, joyous and free. I do not believe he wants me held down by my past or held hostage to my thoughts, this disease, another person or anything. I believe he wants me to sing loudly, dance in the rain, smile freely at others and offer service when I am able.
Accepting that I am human and he's got the bigger picture gives me peace in moments of mental turbulence. There is a line in the Big Book that suggests, "We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." It popped into my head as I read your post and I refer to this often when I am having a spiritual crisis.....for me, when I doubt myself, my growth or my spiritual position, I am grateful to find out time and time again that it's my own thinking that is distorted, not my being.
(((Hugs))) - you're not alone and it's a new day! Be gentle with you and know that we're all where we are supposed to be in this moment, on this day. Keep coming back!
betty I needed to read the denial and 'pretend .. In fact I think my denial was to tell myself for years my relationship with HP was Real and Great because my other relationships were harming and humiliating (controlling) .. I think my denial once again wants to tell myself things are better than they are in reality .. (comfort in seeing that; relief to let go) really see though I think years I had a 'pretend relationship with hp too .. as I begin to recognize it as more real I am grateful to also recognize the pretend changing to real .. I get stuck when I 'slip back into that just like that thinking (illusion) .. even my relationship with hp . many years had others bringing Me the to Do list (instead of god) .. grew great confusion .. fear too .. I judged myself by others (distorted thinking) ..
and seeing this relates to your reply as well I am here (good to see you too) .. because the we are not saints .. when I grew up I think we watched for saints .. tried to be saints .. we were supposed to do everything just like that (like them if we wanted to reach heaven) and even the saints didn't do that or anything really rather they became 'willing to reach every level inside themselves and offer their service .. (my view) they more than likely had to go back Often considering they too were Human .. sigh ..the one day at a time perameter is so needed .. I am definitely not in one day at a time today .. I am projecting all the way into forever ? pulling myself back and thanking you both 'again ..
went to the online meeting this morning and recognize for me .. it's hard to 'focus when I am grieving .. I end up focusing on the 'feelings (the anger frustration fear worry Tired) .. regrouping now .. (receiving & returning hugs) .. much needed