I woke up today on a great fall day , feeling great, after nine months of a new relationship with a non drinker. An angel I might add. :) But for some reason, and maybe it is another step along my path to recovery and healing (?) I ended up on the computer writing a letter to my ex alcoholic bf. I sat down to do work, opened my email, and it just came out of me! I was always too angry to write anything, in response to his email to me awhile ago, to myself, to anyone. I was just ANGRY. I could barely even discuss it!! But for some reason, I actually wanted to sit down and write today. I am baffled and do not know where it came from, and shocked it wasn't a mess of insults but actually just the facts of HOW he made me feel, and HOW his drinking affected everything. 

Here is a section of it. When I was done, I thought, wow. That is rather moving. Why was I completely unable to say those things before? Maybe one day I will send it. Maybe I won't ..but here is a part of it. Would love to hear from others here. Thank you and hope all is well with you guys.

xx Giraffe

You have hurt me more than words can express. You ruined my trust in people, and lied to me to the point where I could not tell what was real and what was not. I didn't trust anyone around me, sometimes not even myself. I lost weight, had nightmares, and cut off most of my friends and family. I was isolated by your drinking. Nothing good does this to your life. 

You have no idea how much pain you have caused other people, not just me. And when I say "you" I mean your drinking. You would rather take this on as a personality flaw and keep drinking, than blame the booze. It seems sometimes that booze was the only thing that had your loyalty. No human being had your loyalty as much as alcohol did. When it screwed up your life, you took the rap. When it made you forget things, you blamed yourself. When it gave you shakes, you blamed your body. You never blamed the booze. It never thanked you, gave you anything in return, it just ruined your life one step at a time. It ruined your real friendships and brought in fake ones that served it's selfish purpose, it ruined our life together, it hurt your mother and worried your father, held back your job and reputation, hurt your work relationships, and affected your emotional and physical health and aged you. I just don't see booze's loyalty to you. Aren't you tired of apologizing to everyone on behalf of booze? When does booze get punished for everything it has done. I guess you are the interface between it and the rest of us. Always keeping it safe, protecting its interests, and explaining to others that it means no harm and does no harm. I'm disgusted. You are in love with it not me. 

Hi Giraffe, Sunmustshine said it well. This is a Great awareness and an important step in letting go of the anger and pain for the past. This letter could serve as a great Step 4 in owning how you feel and the resentment that you carry.

Iamhere, yes and it is funny that you sometimes do not write for a long time.. until your brain is ready to move forward to the next step.

Thanks Hotrod, I did not even realize that by writing that was what I was doing..! Those were the things I was too angry to talk about, to even think about that I pushed them out of my mind, but the anger was still there. I'm relieved to think I am moving into that step.
Finally.

Sunmustshine, I posted it because it feels good to know someone else has felt all those same things, and I knew someone had on here. After I wrote it I said wow that is powerful. where did that come from, why couldn't I say that to his face calmly, ever. Wouldn't have mattered anyway as you put it. Like Hotrod said, I was definitely pushing off, or just could not handle how angry I actually was after I left.  Time went by and good things happened in my life and I could manage to write that. And it still brought up a lot. Alcoholism does do a lot of damage.