I did some things to help myself this weekend. Saturday morning I went to my first ever f2f meeting. It was so refreshing to see and hear all the experiences people are having. With some, it helps to know that I'm in the same boat as others. With others I felt heartbroken for all they're going through. One gentleman bought me The Courage to Change and encouraged me to come back, letting me know that the confusion and fear are normal and encouraged me to come back. I will pay it forward some day. It is a good group. Very supportive. And not a cult like my ex-ABF seems to believe. A few of us went to the local bakery afterwards to talk about the arts community and work and other normal human type things.
I also engaged in what I think to be destructive therapy. AKA. I went shopping.
Things I bought that were therapeutic include: a journal that has 365 positive writing prompts, a book that allows you to write letters to your future self (seems quasi wasteful, but it also gives prompts and maybe it'll help when I open them later to see my growth (I hope I grow at least)), craft supplies for a pumpkin decorating contest at work (for you Trekkies, I am making Commander Data into a pumpkin), a mop so I can enjoy having a clean home once ex-AFB is out, and some leggings I have had my eyes on at Target that were finally clearance.
Then I locked myself in a room and worked on my pumpkin and was asleep before ex-ABF even got home.
I thought my Sunday would be bad because ex-ABF woke me up at 8 having missed the bus to work and needing a ride. Being a nice person I obliged even though the second I got back home I fell right back to sleep. But the rest of the day was fine and he paid me back in ice cream.
Today, I told my story to my doctor. She has prescribed some anxiety meds and gave me the number of a therapist. I'm excited. The therapist has evening hours that would fall in the time frame after I get out of work and school. I am hoping seeing a therapist will be beneficial, because the anxiety of being trapped in this situation has caused me to fail a calculus exam due to having an extremely drunk person in my face while I'm trying to study (no, ex-ABF, your drinking doesn't affect my life one, single bit except that week of lost sleep you claim is the "only" hardship I've suffered). My only downfall at the doctor, all this stress made it impossible for me to pass any blood for my annual thyroid level check Oh well. I'm working on improving myself and that's what matters.
Jerry F said
Sep 26, 2016
Yes T...our "did"ease affects everything it comes into contact with however there are very many doors we can leave by when we work for recovery. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Sep 26, 2016
Love to hear of your self-care and the F2F meeting you attended. I'm glad that it was awesome and how wonderfully great that you joined in 'normal' after. I often get as balanced by the meeting before/after the 'meeting' as I do from the 'meeting'.
Good on you for taking care of you! I love the two book-type items you purchased. Writing has been very helpful for me and I have gone back to see if I am better.....I have been pleasantly surprised each time.
Keep working it - and keep coming back!
MissM said
Sep 26, 2016
You sound very positive, Thurrayya the Khajiit. My other, other handle is Jobasha (the Khajiit) I really, really hope you'll post a picture of Data the Pumpkin when he's done because I would really enjoy that. Good on you for attending an f2f meeting, and for all of the positive things you are doing to detach and treat yourself with love. I know how very hard it is to study with a drunk person in your face, and how defeating it is to fail because our qualifiers have taken priority without our permission. The good news is, I tell myself, that each and every 'defeat" is actually a success in training. Progress, not perfection, you know? Not everything we learn or achieve comes with a certificate of competence and that doesn't make it any less valid. Especially when we have a sea of confusing dysfunctional mess to wade through while we are trying to achieve our goals. I say, good on you for taking positive actions and having a sunny outlook today. Yay for you
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 26th of September 2016 04:20:42 PM
Thurrayya the Khajiit said
Sep 26, 2016
Not so happy update here. I got home tonight and ex-ABF seemed out of it (high maybe). For some reason he wanted to buy me food (wasn't hungry) and then suggested I pay him to tutor me in calculus. Because I failed my first exam (I'm under a fair amount of stress here). So it escalates to him getting after me in his "calm rational" manner for dropping my backpack to hard on the floor (it does have a calculus book, physics book, and everything I need for my 8-5 job in there...). I'm trying to just use the bathroom, change out of my business casual clothes, and do some homework. In my bedroom which we agreed was my space. But he turns off my lamp and lays in my bed and does everything he knows will provoke me. I'm sitting on the floor crying in fear telling him to just please go back diwnstairs. It mentally impossible to detach. Then he told me he was afraid of me and that I'm a big scary person who abuses him all the time. Am I crazy? am I actually the abusive one? All I saud was I didn't want food and I didn't want turoring. And he turned it into this big thing. He also accused me of being drunk (hi, I went to work at 8 am, spent two hours at the doctor only to fail to have blood drawn to get bloodwork done, and then went straight from work to school. When would I have had a drink that wasn't water or coffee? Anyway. I called around and formulated a plan to get safe. Sadly i don't know if it's safer for me and my cats to go away till he moves out (suppose to happen at the end of the week) or to stay put.
anyway. That was the evening I had. For those who are curious, my Data and Spot pumpkins are in the attachments.
-- Edited by Thurrayya the Khajiit on Monday 26th of September 2016 10:21:12 PM
Love data the pumpkin.
I'm sorry for the high-stress situation you are in. You know you aren't crazy, or at least any more crazy than anyone else who lives with someone who is mostly drunk. It tends to drive anyone to insanity.
I hope you'll make the best and safest decision for yourself. Making decisions based on what we think a drunk person wants is a pretty sure-fire way to drive ourselves completely demented. What do you need to feel safe and calm and happy right now? Whatever it is, do that.
Hugs.
milkwood said
Sep 27, 2016
Welcome to MIP Thurrayya the Khajiit
I too love your Data pumpkin and Spot, what a clever and creative way to contribute to the festivities!
I am sorry that your peace is being disturbed. I have experienced some similar types of attention seeking from my AH and it has been difficult for me to have to repeatedly say that I need some space. I put it down to one of the changes in his behaviour that came about through too much drinking over the years. No, I don't think that you are being abusive, but the important thing is do you think you are? If not, then it doesn't really matter what your ex is thinking. Learning to see ourselves more clearly really helps to keep us away from other people's distorted thinking.
You are doing some good things to support yourself through this trying time. Journaling helped me a lot, it was a place where I could park my negative thinking and as you say, it was also good to look back on some of my notes and realise that I'm a survivor!!
It is important to feel safe in your own home and it is also, I think, important to carry on living our lives in ways that feel right for us and our serenity. ((((hugs))))
I did some things to help myself this weekend. Saturday morning I went to my first ever f2f meeting. It was so refreshing to see and hear all the experiences people are having. With some, it helps to know that I'm in the same boat as others. With others I felt heartbroken for all they're going through. One gentleman bought me The Courage to Change and encouraged me to come back, letting me know that the confusion and fear are normal and encouraged me to come back. I will pay it forward some day. It is a good group. Very supportive. And not a cult like my ex-ABF seems to believe. A few of us went to the local bakery afterwards to talk about the arts community and work and other normal human type things.
I also engaged in what I think to be destructive therapy. AKA. I went shopping.
Things I bought that were therapeutic include: a journal that has 365 positive writing prompts, a book that allows you to write letters to your future self (seems quasi wasteful, but it also gives prompts and maybe it'll help when I open them later to see my growth (I hope I grow at least)), craft supplies for a pumpkin decorating contest at work (for you Trekkies, I am making Commander Data into a pumpkin), a mop so I can enjoy having a clean home once ex-AFB is out, and some leggings I have had my eyes on at Target that were finally clearance.
Then I locked myself in a room and worked on my pumpkin and was asleep before ex-ABF even got home.
I thought my Sunday would be bad because ex-ABF woke me up at 8 having missed the bus to work and needing a ride. Being a nice person I obliged even though the second I got back home I fell right back to sleep. But the rest of the day was fine and he paid me back in ice cream.
Today, I told my story to my doctor. She has prescribed some anxiety meds and gave me the number of a therapist. I'm excited. The therapist has evening hours that would fall in the time frame after I get out of work and school. I am hoping seeing a therapist will be beneficial, because the anxiety of being trapped in this situation has caused me to fail a calculus exam due to having an extremely drunk person in my face while I'm trying to study (no, ex-ABF, your drinking doesn't affect my life one, single bit except that week of lost sleep you claim is the "only" hardship I've suffered). My only downfall at the doctor, all this stress made it impossible for me to pass any blood for my annual thyroid level check
Oh well. I'm working on improving myself and that's what matters.
Yes T...our "did"ease affects everything it comes into contact with however there are very many doors we can leave by when we work for recovery. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Good on you for taking care of you! I love the two book-type items you purchased. Writing has been very helpful for me and I have gone back to see if I am better.....I have been pleasantly surprised each time.
Keep working it - and keep coming back!
You sound very positive, Thurrayya the Khajiit. My other, other handle is Jobasha (the Khajiit)
I really, really hope you'll post a picture of Data the Pumpkin when he's done because I would really enjoy that.
Good on you for attending an f2f meeting, and for all of the positive things you are doing to detach and treat yourself with love. I know how very hard it is to study with a drunk person in your face, and how defeating it is to fail because our qualifiers have taken priority without our permission. The good news is, I tell myself, that each and every 'defeat" is actually a success in training.
Progress, not perfection, you know? Not everything we learn or achieve comes with a certificate of competence and that doesn't make it any less valid. Especially when we have a sea of confusing dysfunctional mess to wade through while we are trying to achieve our goals. I say, good on you for taking positive actions and having a sunny outlook today. Yay for you
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 26th of September 2016 04:20:42 PM
Not so happy update here. I got home tonight and ex-ABF seemed out of it (high maybe). For some reason he wanted to buy me food (wasn't hungry) and then suggested I pay him to tutor me in calculus. Because I failed my first exam (I'm under a fair amount of stress here). So it escalates to him getting after me in his "calm rational" manner for dropping my backpack to hard on the floor (it does have a calculus book, physics book, and everything I need for my 8-5 job in there...). I'm trying to just use the bathroom, change out of my business casual clothes, and do some homework. In my bedroom which we agreed was my space. But he turns off my lamp and lays in my bed and does everything he knows will provoke me. I'm sitting on the floor crying in fear telling him to just please go back diwnstairs. It mentally impossible to detach. Then he told me he was afraid of me and that I'm a big scary person who abuses him all the time. Am I crazy? am I actually the abusive one? All I saud was I didn't want food and I didn't want turoring. And he turned it into this big thing. He also accused me of being drunk (hi, I went to work at 8 am, spent two hours at the doctor only to fail to have blood drawn to get bloodwork done, and then went straight from work to school. When would I have had a drink that wasn't water or coffee? Anyway. I called around and formulated a plan to get safe. Sadly i don't know if it's safer for me and my cats to go away till he moves out (suppose to happen at the end of the week) or to stay put.
anyway. That was the evening I had. For those who are curious, my Data and Spot pumpkins are in the attachments.
-- Edited by Thurrayya the Khajiit on Monday 26th of September 2016 10:21:12 PM
I'm sorry for the high-stress situation you are in. You know you aren't crazy, or at least any more crazy than anyone else who lives with someone who is mostly drunk. It tends to drive anyone to insanity.
I hope you'll make the best and safest decision for yourself. Making decisions based on what we think a drunk person wants is a pretty sure-fire way to drive ourselves completely demented. What do you need to feel safe and calm and happy right now? Whatever it is, do that.
Hugs.
I too love your Data pumpkin and Spot, what a clever and creative way to contribute to the festivities!
I am sorry that your peace is being disturbed. I have experienced some similar types of attention seeking from my AH and it has been difficult for me to have to repeatedly say that I need some space. I put it down to one of the changes in his behaviour that came about through too much drinking over the years. No, I don't think that you are being abusive, but the important thing is do you think you are? If not, then it doesn't really matter what your ex is thinking. Learning to see ourselves more clearly really helps to keep us away from other people's distorted thinking.
You are doing some good things to support yourself through this trying time. Journaling helped me a lot, it was a place where I could park my negative thinking and as you say, it was also good to look back on some of my notes and realise that I'm a survivor!!
It is important to feel safe in your own home and it is also, I think, important to carry on living our lives in ways that feel right for us and our serenity. ((((hugs))))