So my AW is still doing great post rehab and we are doing better.
One thing that really bothers me is that she started smoking regularly in rehab. I guess it's because that's what everyone does. She always had a cigarette every once in a while (while drinking out in public) but was not addicted. I'm afraid she's already reached the addiction stage.
Here's my issue. My mom died in 2009 of lung cancer and she hadn't smoked since the '80s. (She was on immunosuppressants which I think along with a history of smoking allowed the cancer to take hold.) In addition, when I was called home from a funeral because of my wife's DUI, the aunt who had died had lung cancer as well.
So, I am very against smoking. It's not really for my personal benefit but I've seen two people die not very pleasant deaths from the results of smoking.
Is this the same as alcohol insofar as Al-Anon goes? Is it something I shouldn't nag her about but instead accept that she has to make up her own mind to stop smoking?
I don't want to jeopardize her sobriety but the longer she continues to smoke the more addicted she will become and the harder it will be for her to stop. I just can't believe after being there at my mom's bedside, seeing my mom struggle for a breath, that she would begin smoking.
geems said
Sep 25, 2016
Putting all that focus and energy into trying to control anything another adult chooses to do with their lives is more about where you are at than them. Alanon is a place to learn to let go of trying to control others and let them live their lives. It's only polite.
hotrod said
Sep 25, 2016
CH, You are correct- Addiction is addiction. I smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day for many years and I listened to no one about stopping. I continued until I decided to stop 7 years ago.
Most AA meetings no longer encourage smoking at the meetings, so I believe that mentioning the dangers to her health would be appropriate but then it is important to simply let it go as we are indeed powerless.
a4l said
Sep 25, 2016
Yeah I'd say alanon principles apply here. Its not you she's trying to harm by inhaling 4500 chemicals, and smoking's so so addictive . I can't say in 21 years of smoking anyone nagging me made a difference to the habit/addiction and to be honest, whenever non smokers would talk about people they knew who'd been harmed by smoking, I'd be internally snarky thinking how they were making my habit all about them, smoking being a mostly solitary habit, an escape from the day and a dopamine hit to boot. However today I'm on day 10 of champix, because of my own internal process and decision making to quit. No one around me smokes, its expensive, dirty and I don't like being addicted. Now I can have felt empathy for those who've suffered illness as a result, but prior to quitting it was a case of "yeah,but that's not going to happen to me".
Horrible bloody thing smoking.
serenity47 said
Sep 25, 2016
I understand your concern. My father passed away from lung cancer, brother also has it both were heavy smokers. My young daughter also started smoking in rehab and continues now on a regular basis. I have no doubt she is addicted to it. I chose to express my concern one time only and asked her to not smoke anywhere in my presence when I see her and then let it go. To date she she been respectful of that. I can also remove myself if she does light up. She is a smart girl. She knows it is unhealthy and she will change that when she is ready to and not a moment sooner no matter how much I dislike it. Frankly for me after my well being and serenity was completely derailed when she was in active addiction and I had no recovery of my own, the smoking issue has taken a back seat. I did not cause, cannot cure and control anything about another person. The alanon principles have worked nicely for me in almost every aspect of my life when I choose to use them.
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2016
CH - I agree - we are powerless over that too! Use the same tools, changing the words in the steps if needed. With time, you will be able to find the right words relative you your fears and concerns. I too smoked for a long, long while. I smoked when I was active and when I got sober, I felt I 'needed it'....and held on tight for a long while as I justified it in my head with thoughts like ---- at least I am not drinking too!
My grandfather died from emphysema and my mother has it as well. I had chronic bronchitis as a child and several bouts of double pneumonia as an adult. I knew all this and still smoked - until I was ready to make a change nobody's words changed a think I thought or did.
Great question to bring forward - I have found these principles work well with all things annoying/concerning to me. I start with the steps and my feelings and determine if I have any value to add beyond conflict. Keep coming back!
maryjane said
Sep 25, 2016
And, maybe you should think of what your life would be like if you had to be her savior and save her from smoking..... you would have to be with her every minute and be ready to pluck that cig from her fingers..... and then she would probably go into the ladies room and smoke where you can't follow her.
Instead, think of the things you can do to save yourself from being around a smoker. I refused to have it in my house. And when his clothes smelled too I made him strip at the door and put them into the washing machine and then take a shower. I refused to ride in his car because it smelled and it made my clothes and hair smell. I just hate the smell that comes from a smoker. I don't care if they smoke, but I don't want it anywhere around me.
You are powerless over her choices, but then, she is powerless over yours too.
Frankly, she is not being very respectful of you and the experiences you have had. You don't have to bend over backward to explain this one to her. She should respect you more. If she doesn't, it tells you a lot about her character.
DavidG said
Sep 25, 2016
Hi, J. ...
I gave up smoking long ago- and i was one of the lucky ones...
The old AA's transferred their addiction to coffee and smokes, which were both the lesser of two evils.
It is a journey and smoking is no longer a social norm...
My SO had a terrible other addiction... she hit rock bottom 4 years ago and today is doing well. She made the choice in her own time, when she was able to.
To be honest I was the one who asked her to make the change- but I picked my time to do this- and she was ready... ...
Take care m8, its tough out there...
...
MissM said
Sep 26, 2016
As other smokers here have said, no-one's suggestions or advice or nagging or arguing etc did anything for me other than give me an excuse to get annoyed and go out for a smoke. Trying to force our will onto others rarely results in anything positive!
I think like with any other aspect of our journey, we need to set boundaries for ourselves and then see how the other person respects them; if they can acknowledge our boundaries then we can surely acknowledge theirs. And as an adult one of my boundaries is certainly "I won't allow someone else to dictate what I do, regardless of whether or not they think they know best". I think that's an important thing that a lot of us forget to look for when we are making changes and laying own our own boundaries...is the other person spelling out boundaries of their own? Can mine and theirs all stand up side by side?
For example, when I quit smoking my ex was smoking all over the house. The smell gave me such awful cravings so we agreed he would only smoke in his room and keep it ventilated. This worked well enough (when he was sober at least). Would I have liked him to stop as well? Of course, but I don't have the right to make that choice for him and I need to be mindful of his own boundaries and he for sure does not accept being told what to do. All I have control over is me and how it directly effects me eg no smoking in my house (we're separated now), no smoking in my car, and don't leave butts outside my house. That is as far as my control over his smoking habits goes!
Writing up your boundaries around this issue and deciding what belongs on your side of the street and what doesn't might help you gain some clarity around the issue?
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 26, 2016
Thanks everyone for the replies. My wife knows I am not in favor of her smoking so I'll leave it at that.
This last weekend her sister was visiting and my wife went out for a smoke. Her sister said, "That's ok. As long as you just do it every once in a while." I bit my tongue and didn't correct her about the frequency.
BTW, I hope nobody took offense to this. I am not judging anyone for smoking nor am I wanting anyone to feel bad about it.
Iamhere said
Sep 26, 2016
No worries CH - no worries at all....I am glad to hear that you've found some peace and can do your thing!!
DavidG said
Sep 26, 2016
CH_Husband_Dad wrote:
BTW, I hope nobody took offense to this. I am not judging anyone for smoking nor am I wanting anyone to feel bad about it.
Hey M8!
Not at all...!
a4l said
Sep 26, 2016
Same here, not offended at all. Im a bit obsessed with smoking at the moment. Might well become one of those fabled reformed smokers all smokers hate lol lol. Joking. I applaud your decision to speak your view and leave it there. Nagging creates secret smokers. Have a great day!
jojo8466 said
Sep 27, 2016
No offense taken here - everyone knows that smoking is bad for them (unless a person has been living under a rock for the past few decades). Statisitics have proven it. Some of us choose to smoke anyway despite what the statistics say - to each their own. I hope for you that once your wife gets more of her recovery under her belt she will then work on quitting smoking. At least she is working on giving up the drinking that's a great thing! One vice at a time!
So my AW is still doing great post rehab and we are doing better.
One thing that really bothers me is that she started smoking regularly in rehab. I guess it's because that's what everyone does. She always had a cigarette every once in a while (while drinking out in public) but was not addicted. I'm afraid she's already reached the addiction stage.
Here's my issue. My mom died in 2009 of lung cancer and she hadn't smoked since the '80s. (She was on immunosuppressants which I think along with a history of smoking allowed the cancer to take hold.) In addition, when I was called home from a funeral because of my wife's DUI, the aunt who had died had lung cancer as well.
So, I am very against smoking. It's not really for my personal benefit but I've seen two people die not very pleasant deaths from the results of smoking.
Is this the same as alcohol insofar as Al-Anon goes? Is it something I shouldn't nag her about but instead accept that she has to make up her own mind to stop smoking?
I don't want to jeopardize her sobriety but the longer she continues to smoke the more addicted she will become and the harder it will be for her to stop. I just can't believe after being there at my mom's bedside, seeing my mom struggle for a breath, that she would begin smoking.
CH, You are correct- Addiction is addiction. I smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day for many years and I listened to no one about stopping. I continued until I decided to stop 7 years ago.
Most AA meetings no longer encourage smoking at the meetings, so I believe that mentioning the dangers to her health would be appropriate but then it is important to simply let it go as we are indeed powerless.
My grandfather died from emphysema and my mother has it as well. I had chronic bronchitis as a child and several bouts of double pneumonia as an adult. I knew all this and still smoked - until I was ready to make a change nobody's words changed a think I thought or did.
Great question to bring forward - I have found these principles work well with all things annoying/concerning to me. I start with the steps and my feelings and determine if I have any value to add beyond conflict. Keep coming back!
Instead, think of the things you can do to save yourself from being around a smoker. I refused to have it in my house. And when his clothes smelled too I made him strip at the door and put them into the washing machine and then take a shower. I refused to ride in his car because it smelled and it made my clothes and hair smell. I just hate the smell that comes from a smoker. I don't care if they smoke, but I don't want it anywhere around me.
You are powerless over her choices, but then, she is powerless over yours too.
Frankly, she is not being very respectful of you and the experiences you have had. You don't have to bend over backward to explain this one to her. She should respect you more. If she doesn't, it tells you a lot about her character.
Hi, J.
...
I gave up smoking long ago- and i was one of the lucky ones...
The old AA's transferred their addiction to coffee and smokes, which were both the lesser of two evils.
It is a journey and smoking is no longer a social norm...
My SO had a terrible other addiction... she hit rock bottom 4 years ago and today is doing well. She made the choice in her own time, when she was able to.
To be honest I was the one who asked her to make the change- but I picked my time to do this- and she was ready...
...
Take care m8, its tough out there...
I think like with any other aspect of our journey, we need to set boundaries for ourselves and then see how the other person respects them; if they can acknowledge our boundaries then we can surely acknowledge theirs. And as an adult one of my boundaries is certainly "I won't allow someone else to dictate what I do, regardless of whether or not they think they know best". I think that's an important thing that a lot of us forget to look for when we are making changes and laying own our own boundaries...is the other person spelling out boundaries of their own? Can mine and theirs all stand up side by side?
For example, when I quit smoking my ex was smoking all over the house. The smell gave me such awful cravings so we agreed he would only smoke in his room and keep it ventilated. This worked well enough (when he was sober at least). Would I have liked him to stop as well? Of course, but I don't have the right to make that choice for him and I need to be mindful of his own boundaries and he for sure does not accept being told what to do. All I have control over is me and how it directly effects me eg no smoking in my house (we're separated now), no smoking in my car, and don't leave butts outside my house. That is as far as my control over his smoking habits goes!
Writing up your boundaries around this issue and deciding what belongs on your side of the street and what doesn't might help you gain some clarity around the issue?
This last weekend her sister was visiting and my wife went out for a smoke. Her sister said, "That's ok. As long as you just do it every once in a while." I bit my tongue and didn't correct her about the frequency.
BTW, I hope nobody took offense to this. I am not judging anyone for smoking nor am I wanting anyone to feel bad about it.
Hey M8!
Not at all...!