I am new to the group. In need of someone to talk to
Toomuchlove2give said
Sep 25, 2016
I am fighting the woman within who has some how allowed herself to keep believing the lies that I tell myself about my fianse. He is a binge drinker. I have been in therapy for almost three years dealing with my fianse. How could I say yes two years ago. I feel like thank God we haven't actually gotten married yet. He is now passed out in my home after a nice event from his work. He lied to me several times tonight. He went missing from our table and before you know it he was loud and talkative all night. It really was embarrassing because others thought yes he is the life of the party but he was getting on my last nerves. then I drive home and he leaves again to supposedly go to McDonalds but I know there's a corner drug store to get wine every Saturday night! He lied. coming in he still tried to appear to not be intoxicated but the more he talked he did not act "normal" at all. I then caught him hiding the bottle in between the couches! when I confronted him he was like, "granny" stop. playing around with me. As my therapist suggested set the boundaries up, I have set the boundary before to not be around me drinking or bring it in my house but over and over he comes to my house intoxicated and proceeds to sneak outside or at the corner and drink but comes back lying to me. He has this need to be under me while he is drunk or drinking and no matter how often I say go home if you decide to drink he still pushes the boundary by lying to my face... I am ready to give up on this relationship. I have cancer and all I do is worry about him when I need sleep and rest, not stress. I think I need to break it all off....
Calm Lady said
Sep 25, 2016
Welcome. Sorry you have this in your life.
If you read around here, you will see the behaviours you describe are very common in the disease of alcoholism. I found this a comfort to learn that my alcoholic husband wasn't doing anything personally to me, he was just doing what an alcoholic does.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
The important thing is how you feel about it and what you want to do. I encourage you to put yourself and your needs first, especially as you are ill.
milkwood said
Sep 25, 2016
Welcome to MIP (((((Toomuchlovetogive)))))
This is a fantastic place to learn about the disease of alcoholism and to trust our own instincts. You will find others who understand here.
I am sorry that you are not getting the support that you need from your fiancé at this time, cancer is a frightening word and you are right to be asking for rest and peace. So perhaps some of that love that you have needs to come back to you. It is ok to put yourself at the top of the list. It really is ok!!
If your fiancé can not give you what you ask for, regardless of whether or not he is drinking, it is ok to speak up for yourself and enforce your boundaries, even if it is only by going to another room. When we stop giving the disease attention it seems to push our boundaries and try to draw us back in. But when we learn to stay calm and focus on ourselves the alcohol gremlins get tired of fighting with us. It can be heartbreaking, but it is also liberating.
Going to Alanon face to face meetings will give you an opportunity to connect in person with others who 'get it'. When I went to my first meeting I realised that I did not have to be unhappy just because my husband was self-medicating. It is not my job to fix him in order to improve my life!!
One other thing that I found useful was to admit that I didn't have all the answers, and living with an alcoholic did not come with a manual. This allowed me to forgive myself for mistakes that I might have made through my own ignorance and denial. Now I have learnt a bit more I am sure that I still make mistakes, but I also do some things well. Listing my assets alongside my faults is vital. Feeling gratitude for the good things in my life, even if it is just as simple as a warm breeze on my face, is vital for me as well. On balance I'm ok, and I'm sure that you can be too.
Keep coming back and sending (((((hugs)))))
hotrod said
Sep 25, 2016
Hello toomuchlovetogive welcome Please search out alanon face to face meeting and attend. Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely painful and adversely affects each person who attempts to interact with it in a sane manner.
Alcoholism is progressive chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless and finding support for myself was crucial to my survival. Alanon meetings provided a supportive, learning space where I could connect with like minded members who understood as few others could. I was provided with new tools to live by and then relearned how to keep the focus on myself and live one day at a time.
Your health is extremely important so please do find these meetings and attend. Please keep coming back as there is hope and help.
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2016
Hello toomuchlove - welcome to MIP.....so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I love what's been shared above me and really don't have much to add - just wanted to welcome you and tell you to keep coming back!
Enigmatic said
Sep 25, 2016
Welcome TML2G, thank you for reaching out. I can tell you that the peace and understanding I found by attending AlAnon meetings and using the tools I found there were 1,000x better than anything I tried on my own. As others have said, the disease is terrible; you don't have to face it alone.
I hope you are able to seek out a face to face meeting and meet others who know how you are feeling. Hang in there
MissM said
Sep 25, 2016
TML2G, taking care of you comes first especially when you are ill. Surrounding yourself with positive people who want you to be healthy is a good way to make clearer, healthier decisions; I hope you'll find the support you need here and in the rooms of al-anon
Hugs.
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 25th of September 2016 12:55:23 PM
geems said
Sep 25, 2016
We get it, you have all the answers for everybody. Just do it your way and everything will be fine. That's what the insane addicts in our lives have been saying for years. It's a lie. I for one will call out people when they lie. I don't cover lies anymore. It might be your opinion, but I don't have to accept it as truth.
deacon said
Sep 25, 2016
Welcome- you will find many people here experiencing the same consequences of other's actions.
Fighting cancer is enough stress for one person without the added load of dealing with an alcoholic. When my sister was diagnosed they told her to lessen as much as possible any stress in her life so that she could concentrate on battling the disease. She had had a shaky marriage for years and the diagnosis was the incentive to leave her marriage. She says she has never regretted leaving as she needed peace to heal.
From what you wrote, you have followed your counselor's advice and set your boundaries. He does not honor them. Boundaries are no good if he knows he can ignore them at will. What does your counselor advise now?
Al anon does not tell you what to do but sometimes people going through the same battle can shine light on a situation.
pinkchip said
Sep 25, 2016
RAH....Oy. When I first came to alanon from AA, I was blunt, lacking empathy, tact, and felt a need to speak up as if I knew something special as a recovering alcoholic and was obligated to teach you all and "break it down." I thought alanon members were suckers for punishment and liked complaining. I might have known AA, but not alanon. And the fact that I talked the way I did showed my AA program needed work too. I was not as glaringly inappropriate as this RAH person though. Good luck mods. Seems like a troll in the midst.
Toomuchlove, aside from the little crapshow from RAH, you got good ESH. Do take care and go to alanon. It is not easy to end a relationship or consider doing so when you are sick and when, at one time, talk of marriage was involved. It does sound like you could benefit from alanon - phone or online meetings even if illness is too draining to permit face to face. Self care is key!
pinkchip said
Sep 25, 2016
What you are doing here is the same as someone coming into an AA meeting and telling folks "you all are stupid. Just stop drinking retards!" Is that what you got from AA? Would you have stayed if you did? Cuz that is what you are doing here. Do a 10th step if you've gotten that far.
geems said
Sep 25, 2016
RAH wrote:
Is that your best shot?
I am more impressed with your private messages.
For whatever reason a higher wisdom than mine is allowing for your posts to be considered as appropriate material for the boards evidenced by the fact that it's still here. I will share something that I learned in alanon about boundaries. When I take substance abuse out of the interaction I'm having with an individual, and I still am getting inappropriate verbal abuse, lies, or somebody else telling me what my reality is, they can now and forever take a hike because that's not the disease that's just an abusive ahole. Alanon has helped me be real clear about differentiating.
pinkchip said
Sep 25, 2016
K. Whatever.
pinkchip said
Sep 25, 2016
This would be one of those times of me not trying to change an alcoholic I guess cuz they are clearly here to "tell us all how it is." (Eye roll).
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2016
My apologies to the original poster and the members here. RAH has been removed. I will be deleted the posts of this user. For any of you who want/need to edit your posts because they will be responding to 'nothing', feel free to do so.
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2016
Posts have been removed and the poster has been banned. I will suggest that when we keep the program opener in mind - talk to each other and reason things out.....
I am a huge believer in handling conflicts privately when it makes sense. We now realize that there are times when a user will post PMs publicly. I'll not give an opinion about that; just do your best to treat everyone with respect. We are dealing with a crazy disease that is of the mind, heart, body and soul.
Carry-On - if the OP (Original Poster) witnessed the decline of this thread, please keep coming back. How that 'was' is not how we 'are'! It works when we work it!
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2016
R A H wrote:
Yes it is.
Your members are sending nasty private messages whichever way you want to spin it.
So - it appears that you've opted to bypass the IP ban imposed on your account. If you are referring to my message, I was kind enough to explain to you that your IP address had been banned because your behavior and posts were not conducive to our healing environment.
I've banned your current IP as well, and will continue to do so until the owner of the site can impose a more permanent solution.
If you've joined seeking assistance with an alcoholic family member or friend, you are welcome to stay and participate. If you continue to post belittling responses to other members, your posts will be removed and you are not welcome.
Al-Anon gives us choices. I have mine and you have yours.
geems said
Sep 25, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
Posts have been removed and the poster has been banned. I will suggest that when we keep the program opener in mind - talk to each other and reason things out.....
I am a huge believer in handling conflicts privately when it makes sense. We now realize that there are times when a user will post PMs publicly. I'll not give an opinion about that; just do your best to treat everyone with respect. We are dealing with a crazy disease that is of the mind, heart, body and soul.
Carry-On - if the OP (Original Poster) witnessed the decline of this thread, please keep coming back. How that 'was' is not how we 'are'! It works when we work it!
I totally put a smiley face after it. That didn't make the c&p lol. Thanks for the nudge. :)
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2016
R A H wrote:
I was not the one who sent nasty private messages. That was geems.
Why do you wish to deny people an opinion? Is this a sycophantic private club where everyone has to agree with you?
Clearly your intent is not for Al-Anon assistance.
1. When an opinion is contrary to program principles AND appears to be belittling and/or pot-stirring, it goes against our traditions and principles.
2. Nope - not at all. There is an expectation of common courtesy and respect of others. It was suggested to you to start another thread instead of hijacking another user's. ALL further posts of yours in this thread will be removed unless they are directly offering ESH to the OP.
geems said
Sep 25, 2016
To the original poster...I noticed you only have posted once. I truly hope you come back here to alanon or go to a f2f meeting if you want help with dealing with the disease of alcoholism.
If you read around here, you will see the behaviours you describe are very common in the disease of alcoholism. I found this a comfort to learn that my alcoholic husband wasn't doing anything personally to me, he was just doing what an alcoholic does.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
The important thing is how you feel about it and what you want to do. I encourage you to put yourself and your needs first, especially as you are ill.
This is a fantastic place to learn about the disease of alcoholism and to trust our own instincts. You will find others who understand here.
I am sorry that you are not getting the support that you need from your fiancé at this time, cancer is a frightening word and you are right to be asking for rest and peace. So perhaps some of that love that you have needs to come back to you. It is ok to put yourself at the top of the list. It really is ok!!
If your fiancé can not give you what you ask for, regardless of whether or not he is drinking, it is ok to speak up for yourself and enforce your boundaries, even if it is only by going to another room. When we stop giving the disease attention it seems to push our boundaries and try to draw us back in. But when we learn to stay calm and focus on ourselves the alcohol gremlins get tired of fighting with us. It can be heartbreaking, but it is also liberating.
Going to Alanon face to face meetings will give you an opportunity to connect in person with others who 'get it'. When I went to my first meeting I realised that I did not have to be unhappy just because my husband was self-medicating. It is not my job to fix him in order to improve my life!!
One other thing that I found useful was to admit that I didn't have all the answers, and living with an alcoholic did not come with a manual. This allowed me to forgive myself for mistakes that I might have made through my own ignorance and denial. Now I have learnt a bit more I am sure that I still make mistakes, but I also do some things well. Listing my assets alongside my faults is vital. Feeling gratitude for the good things in my life, even if it is just as simple as a warm breeze on my face, is vital for me as well. On balance I'm ok, and I'm sure that you can be too.
Keep coming back and sending (((((hugs)))))
Hello toomuchlovetogive welcome Please search out alanon face to face meeting and attend. Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely painful and adversely affects each person who attempts to interact with it in a sane manner.
Alcoholism is progressive chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless and finding support for myself was crucial to my survival. Alanon meetings provided a supportive, learning space where I could connect with like minded members who understood as few others could. I was provided with new tools to live by and then relearned how to keep the focus on myself and live one day at a time.
Your health is extremely important so please do find these meetings and attend. Please keep coming back as there is hope and help.
I hope you are able to seek out a face to face meeting and meet others who know how you are feeling. Hang in there
TML2G, taking care of you comes first especially when you are ill. Surrounding yourself with positive people who want you to be healthy is a good way to make clearer, healthier decisions; I hope you'll find the support you need here and in the rooms of al-anon
Hugs.
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 25th of September 2016 12:55:23 PM
We get it, you have all the answers for everybody. Just do it your way and everything will be fine. That's what the insane addicts in our lives have been saying for years. It's a lie. I for one will call out people when they lie. I don't cover lies anymore. It might be your opinion, but I don't have to accept it as truth.
Welcome- you will find many people here experiencing the same consequences of other's actions.
Fighting cancer is enough stress for one person without the added load of dealing with an alcoholic. When my sister was diagnosed they told her to lessen as much as possible any stress in her life so that she could concentrate on battling the disease. She had had a shaky marriage for years and the diagnosis was the incentive to leave her marriage. She says she has never regretted leaving as she needed peace to heal.
From what you wrote, you have followed your counselor's advice and set your boundaries. He does not honor them. Boundaries are no good if he knows he can ignore them at will. What does your counselor advise now?
Al anon does not tell you what to do but sometimes people going through the same battle can shine light on a situation.
Toomuchlove, aside from the little crapshow from RAH, you got good ESH. Do take care and go to alanon. It is not easy to end a relationship or consider doing so when you are sick and when, at one time, talk of marriage was involved. It does sound like you could benefit from alanon - phone or online meetings even if illness is too draining to permit face to face. Self care is key!
For whatever reason a higher wisdom than mine is allowing for your posts to be considered as appropriate material for the boards evidenced by the fact that it's still here. I will share something that I learned in alanon about boundaries. When I take substance abuse out of the interaction I'm having with an individual, and I still am getting inappropriate verbal abuse, lies, or somebody else telling me what my reality is, they can now and forever take a hike because that's not the disease that's just an abusive ahole. Alanon has helped me be real clear about differentiating.
I am a huge believer in handling conflicts privately when it makes sense. We now realize that there are times when a user will post PMs publicly. I'll not give an opinion about that; just do your best to treat everyone with respect. We are dealing with a crazy disease that is of the mind, heart, body and soul.
Carry-On - if the OP (Original Poster) witnessed the decline of this thread, please keep coming back. How that 'was' is not how we 'are'! It works when we work it!
So - it appears that you've opted to bypass the IP ban imposed on your account. If you are referring to my message, I was kind enough to explain to you that your IP address had been banned because your behavior and posts were not conducive to our healing environment.
I've banned your current IP as well, and will continue to do so until the owner of the site can impose a more permanent solution.
If you've joined seeking assistance with an alcoholic family member or friend, you are welcome to stay and participate. If you continue to post belittling responses to other members, your posts will be removed and you are not welcome.
Al-Anon gives us choices. I have mine and you have yours.
I totally put a smiley face after it. That didn't make the c&p lol. Thanks for the nudge. :)
Clearly your intent is not for Al-Anon assistance.
1. When an opinion is contrary to program principles AND appears to be belittling and/or pot-stirring, it goes against our traditions and principles.
2. Nope - not at all. There is an expectation of common courtesy and respect of others. It was suggested to you to start another thread instead of hijacking another user's. ALL further posts of yours in this thread will be removed unless they are directly offering ESH to the OP.