last night my ABF who has been drinking, but not getting drunk the past few months, got really wasted. He turned right back into his mean self. He started yelling at me and telling me how fat I've gotten. Then after over 30 minutes of his verbal abuse, he walked away like he was getting really mad and then he threw a bin full of wood at his neighbors house. When he started getting violent I took the dog and backed out if the driveway. When I got to the end of the driveway I put my window down slightly and kept asking what was wrong and then he came at my car with this wild look in his eye and I knew he'd try to do something so I left. I haven't talked to him today, but I can't help but think his drunk tirades are how he's really feeling.
Mattie said
Sep 24, 2016
They may well not be how he's feeling when he's sober, but they're definitely how he's feeling when he's drunk. And for alcoholics, that is the "real" him too, unless he goes into recovery. That's my observation.
pinkchip said
Sep 24, 2016
I back mattie. It doesnt matter because that is REAL scary and REAL emotionally abusive drunk or not.
Another thing: He knows he acts like an angry A-hole when drunk. I am sure this has been discussed before. So...at the very least, he is allowing it to occur by not being in recovery.
Question for you: What is unacceptable behavior and why does it matter if it occurs when drinking or not?
For me, it hurts just as much to be emotionally ripped and degraded by a drunk person vs. sober. Drunkeness is an acceptable reason to treat me like crap.
serenity47 said
Sep 24, 2016
I am so sorry that you had a rough evening last night, but I am happy to see that you made a wise decision for yourself and dog and left before things escalated. Whether his drunk thoughts reflect his sober ones is irrelevant really. What matters is you and your thoughts about yourself. In my experience drunk rantings are just that DRUNK RANTINGS. We will never figure out why they behave as they do and for me it was a huge waste of my time and emotional energy trying to analyze it all. Does not mean that it doesn't hurt but I encourage you to take care of yourself and get yourself to an Alanon meeting in your area as soon as you can.
milkwood said
Sep 24, 2016
((((madowl86))))
That sounds frightening. I think it is worth asking yourself how an event like that makes you feel.
I reached a point when I took the alcohol out of the equation and discovered that I had been using my husband's drinking as an excuse for why I put up with totally unacceptable behaviour I decided to promise myself that it didn't matter if someone / anyone was drunk or not, I did not have to be involved in abuse of any kind.
I completely underestimated the effect that my 'being strong and putting up with it' had been having on my own self esteem and I also underestimated how long it would take for me to recover the feelings of joy and laughter that were, for many years, a normal part of my life. I thought that I was protecting my marriage while I was ducking the emotional abuse, but my reality is that the legacy of the trauma and resentments turns out to be just as undermining to a good relationship as drinking ever was.
Take care of you. ((((hugs))))
maryjane said
Sep 24, 2016
Milkwood, I love your answer.
Madowl86--- Take alcohol out of the equation and decide if you like the behavior. Don't give a pass on abuse because there is alcohol involved. It still affects you. You will remember it forever. You don't have to be strong and protect your relationship.
Take care of yourself.
e_i_m said
Sep 24, 2016
It seems to me that whatever someone is doing is their real self at that moment. I guess I feel fortunate that all the drunks I've known (and I've known LOTS of 'em) have been more maudeline than angry when drunk. My father was an angry and violent SOB when he was sober and he'd brawl at work and with the neighbors, but he turned to poetry and self-pity when drunk. My mom was sarcastic, but not angry or violent and she would pass out drunk by 5 pm most days of the week, but was very gentle and just turned inwards and thought about things and wished her life had been different. I'm sorry to hear about everything people endure with their addict/alcoholic loved ones. Mine did stupid stuff (and had the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, broken promises, financial ruin), but never hit anyone or even yelled at anyone in drunkeness. They mostly hated themselves and sobbed a lot or crashed into things, fell down stairs, etc.
Jerry F said
Sep 24, 2016
If you just look at the behavior and not qualify it other than the person is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical you can come up with the "drunk" is delusional...their mind isn't working right because it is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical... Alcohol is a chemical which alters a "right" mind and leaves it in a crazy state. How do you describe his behavior? Does that tell you how his mind is working? The "his" here is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical...expect insanity...expect it and you will not be fooled.
I stopped expecting my wife to appear and be present when she was drinking and using and then she never failed me...the addict and drunk appeared.
Drunk words and just that...drunk words...crazy and drunk. Expect that and you won't be thrown off and can again do the right thing...pick up the do and leave and let the cops and emergency workers deal with what you are powerless over.
When I also learned that my influence with my alcoholic/addict was diluted by the booze I understood "Admitted I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable".
Drunk words are.....drunk words. They mean get out of the way and go somewhere safe. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Sep 24, 2016
(((madowl86))) - I am so sorry for what you experienced last evening. My past includes extensive physical abuse and I have a zero tolerance for any intimidation of any kind now. I won't experience abuse again ever because I detach and put physical space between me and anyone else who begins the intimidation phase. Nobody deserves to be abused in any way by any other person, ever. There is no reason for it, there is no excuse for it - I do not care if they are sober, dry, drunk, other.
We never give advice in Al-Anon - the exception is abuse. Your BF has shown that he's capable of it. I strongly encourage you to seek assistance from any/all sources in your area for domestic abuse. There are no do-overs and no second chance without extensive rehab/counseling when someone shows me that dark/black eye look. You can not reason with an abuser who's passed the reality stage of life. You've now seen it and I encourage you to seek help and support.
Actions do speak louder than words and that look in his eyes tells you what he's truly capable of. I no longer discuss my abuse, as it's not who I am, and I used it as an excuse for a long while to stay sick and to seek attention. There is great support and help out there to heal you and protect you. Please put you first.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 25, 2016
Hugs,
I hope you will update today and let us all know you are ok .. this can be a very volatile and scary situation. Your safety mentally, emotionally, physically and even sexually is first and foremost important .. I hope you will consider that and seek the help as well as treatment you deserve. He's going to drink or not .. it is ok to put yourself first and seek your own treatment.
Hugs S :)
MovieGal said
Sep 25, 2016
Thanks for posting. I have had similar experiences and questions about the hurtful things said in a drunken rant. Reading the replies to your post are helpful to me.
last night my ABF who has been drinking, but not getting drunk the past few months, got really wasted. He turned right back into his mean self. He started yelling at me and telling me how fat I've gotten. Then after over 30 minutes of his verbal abuse, he walked away like he was getting really mad and then he threw a bin full of wood at his neighbors house. When he started getting violent I took the dog and backed out if the driveway. When I got to the end of the driveway I put my window down slightly and kept asking what was wrong and then he came at my car with this wild look in his eye and I knew he'd try to do something so I left. I haven't talked to him today, but I can't help but think his drunk tirades are how he's really feeling.
They may well not be how he's feeling when he's sober, but they're definitely how he's feeling when he's drunk. And for alcoholics, that is the "real" him too, unless he goes into recovery. That's my observation.
Another thing: He knows he acts like an angry A-hole when drunk. I am sure this has been discussed before. So...at the very least, he is allowing it to occur by not being in recovery.
Question for you: What is unacceptable behavior and why does it matter if it occurs when drinking or not?
For me, it hurts just as much to be emotionally ripped and degraded by a drunk person vs. sober. Drunkeness is an acceptable reason to treat me like crap.
That sounds frightening. I think it is worth asking yourself how an event like that makes you feel.
I reached a point when I took the alcohol out of the equation and discovered that I had been using my husband's drinking as an excuse for why I put up with totally unacceptable behaviour I decided to promise myself that it didn't matter if someone / anyone was drunk or not, I did not have to be involved in abuse of any kind.
I completely underestimated the effect that my 'being strong and putting up with it' had been having on my own self esteem and I also underestimated how long it would take for me to recover the feelings of joy and laughter that were, for many years, a normal part of my life. I thought that I was protecting my marriage while I was ducking the emotional abuse, but my reality is that the legacy of the trauma and resentments turns out to be just as undermining to a good relationship as drinking ever was.
Take care of you. ((((hugs))))
Madowl86--- Take alcohol out of the equation and decide if you like the behavior. Don't give a pass on abuse because there is alcohol involved. It still affects you. You will remember it forever. You don't have to be strong and protect your relationship.
Take care of yourself.
If you just look at the behavior and not qualify it other than the person is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical you can come up with the "drunk" is delusional...their mind isn't working right because it is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical... Alcohol is a chemical which alters a "right" mind and leaves it in a crazy state. How do you describe his behavior? Does that tell you how his mind is working? The "his" here is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical...expect insanity...expect it and you will not be fooled.
I stopped expecting my wife to appear and be present when she was drinking and using and then she never failed me...the addict and drunk appeared.
Drunk words and just that...drunk words...crazy and drunk. Expect that and you won't be thrown off and can again do the right thing...pick up the do and leave and let the cops and emergency workers deal with what you are powerless over.
When I also learned that my influence with my alcoholic/addict was diluted by the booze I understood "Admitted I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable".
Drunk words are.....drunk words. They mean get out of the way and go somewhere safe. ((((hugs))))
We never give advice in Al-Anon - the exception is abuse. Your BF has shown that he's capable of it. I strongly encourage you to seek assistance from any/all sources in your area for domestic abuse. There are no do-overs and no second chance without extensive rehab/counseling when someone shows me that dark/black eye look. You can not reason with an abuser who's passed the reality stage of life. You've now seen it and I encourage you to seek help and support.
Actions do speak louder than words and that look in his eyes tells you what he's truly capable of. I no longer discuss my abuse, as it's not who I am, and I used it as an excuse for a long while to stay sick and to seek attention. There is great support and help out there to heal you and protect you. Please put you first.
I hope you will update today and let us all know you are ok .. this can be a very volatile and scary situation. Your safety mentally, emotionally, physically and even sexually is first and foremost important .. I hope you will consider that and seek the help as well as treatment you deserve. He's going to drink or not .. it is ok to put yourself first and seek your own treatment.
Hugs S :)
Thanks for posting. I have had similar experiences and questions about the hurtful things said in a drunken rant. Reading the replies to your post are helpful to me.
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