Lovely fresh autumn day here. Got that nice crispness to the air.
Just sat quietly enjoying a coffee. Feeling peaceful. Pondering about how things reveal themselves a layer at a time in recovery. So as not to overwhelm us, I suppose.
The denial about AH has revealed another layer. I say this in a gentle way, I can see him as a sick person now. I was (half) listening to him ramble. His distorted thinking is very clear to me now. I used to believe it all. Everything he said. I believed and thought I had to act on. It got us into so many messes.
I now realise, it is just that. Rambling. A couple days ago he declared he wanted a new bigger TV. The old me would have jumped to it and arranged it! We don't even like tv much, hardly watch it! I see now it was a throw away remark he made. Yet I would have felt I had to do it.
So glad to be free of this. Now I let him ramble and don't engage. The whim passes.
They just say what floats through their mind in that moment, it seems to me. I have learnt to keep quiet and just let it keep floating until has gone! Once I attach it by replying, he starts a campaign about how I am ruining his life by not letting him have whatever that moments whim is.
Hope this makes sense to others. I don't think I am explaining it too well.
They need something to butt up against so they can act out. If nothing there, they forget it.
e_i_m said
Sep 23, 2016
Oh Calm Lady -- I have recently realized about myself that I believe everything that everyone says at every moment. So when people tell me contradictory things, it's really hard for me to process the information. This is something that I think I really need to work on and I'm not sure how to do so -- I don't want to swing to the other end and not believe anyone.
My ex used to say things that I believed and that made a big impression on me -- "let's buy a mill together and transform it into artists lofts", "let's go visit X", "I really want to do this with you". And then weeks or months later he'd say the total opposite "I'd never go into business with a girlfriend", "I never want to see X again," "I never want to do that again" -- and sometimes with his poor daughter he'd contradict himself from one minute to another. And it was so confusing to me, because I believed it all and it fried my brain! And I almost never brought the contradictions up because I was trying to be accepting and in the moment and understanding that we all change our minds. But it was so confusing! I didn't know what to believe -- because the focus wasn't on myself or my hp.
And I felt I had to act on everything -- like your TV story. Sigh.
el-cee said
Sep 23, 2016
Powerful awareness, written very clearly and I so love the peace that comes with this awareness. I love the whole JADE thing and it works because when we engage we validate the insanity and we do them or us no favours. To let it go, i like your term, float away, it passes and is gone. Its sad to finally see the disease for what it is, in a way when we think of the sick person as sane and healthy its us who become mad because yes we do believe the nonsense and our expectations around them is way too unrealistic so we live in a world of constant disappointment.
I think to accept really accept the insanity and sickness in our loved ones breeds the good stuff, compassion and forgiveness rather than the awful anger and bitterness and resentment that serves no purpose other than to poison our days.x
el-cee said
Sep 23, 2016
I like to think that most people mean what they say in that moment so it doesnt necessarily mean they are lying, often they want to do whatever it is they are promising within that moment but this disease is too powerful and they cant possibly behave rationally with an irrational mind, its impossible.
hotrod said
Sep 23, 2016
Great awareness Calm Lady --Taking time to be quiet each day really does work Enjoy the day.
Iamhere said
Sep 23, 2016
Calm Lady - I can certainly relate to your entire post. I remember reacting to things like this and then when I got 'it', mine would look at me wondering why I did what I did....then I would be hurt that he didn't thank me for reacting. Total crazy-making on my part. I agree - it's so nice to see things as they are vs. how my mind whats to see it.
Your moment sounds lovely and peaceful - can relate to that too!
Bethany66 said
Sep 23, 2016
I have to interject that I got to get two dogs that way! I heard him say we should get a dog and before he sobered up we had one!! :) I guess in my sickness I have at times learned when to use those ramblings to my advantage!!
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Friday 23rd of September 2016 10:08:20 AM
el-cee said
Sep 23, 2016
Haha clever girl bethany.
Calm Lady said
Sep 23, 2016
Thank you for your shares e.i.m, El-Cee, Betty, IAH & Bethany.
As always with our program, it comes back to me and my distorted thinking that I have picked up along the way. A lack of perspective too by me, I think.
Such a relief to no longer do it.
Nice one, Bethany. I smiled about you getting the dog. When my A dad finally removed himself from our home and peace broke out! The first thing us kids did was get a dog!
It is a big joy to be able to spot my crazy behaviours. Then stop them.
To give AH credit, he has responded really well and accepting.
I feel myself liking him again (instead of plotting to kill him!!!)
Calm Lady said
Sep 23, 2016
My treat to myself every morning without fail is a quiet hour or so. Couple of hot drinks. Reading my Hope for Today. Soaking up this wonderful MIP source of comfort and knowledge. Sharing a little on here. Pretty much every post and share here resonates with me.
I feel lucky and blessed. Thank you so so much.
I was such an angry, restless and irritable person. I am not now. I am serene.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 23rd of September 2016 11:39:04 AM
KT2015 said
Sep 23, 2016
I can relate to your post Calm Lady. I can't even tell you how many directions I went in taking everything AH said (either sober or intoxicated) seriously. I would either go ahead and get started on doing it, argue with him in the moment if I disagreed or just get really anxious about it. My AH has lots of big plans and very few are acted on or serious. I remember how freeing it was to realize I don't have to take on all his ideas and plans. I can just listen and nod and smile and move on to discussing the next topic. The slogan that I use in this instance is "this too shall pass". I also like the idea of letting these ideas float away. Thanks for your share.
e_i_m said
Sep 23, 2016
You guys, this is so helpful. Thank you all for sharing.
Iamhere said
Sep 23, 2016
I chuckled out loud about added fur-babies to the family in these moments!! So, so true - we need to know how to deal with all situations that benefit our serenity - I'm an avid animal person so an added fur-baby would be a serenity game changer for me!! Great share - thanks for the chuckles!
MidnightOwl said
Sep 25, 2016
Calm Lady - Great share, and I so enjoyed reading the various responses as well. I can totally relate, one minute he wants to move, the next he wants to stay put. I'm just lifting the fog on this type of dynamic (wouldn't ya know I'm on craigslist every day looking for that new place to move to...eye opener there ;) I def need to detach, not take things to seriously and not be so caught up in what others want/need. Funny how that creeps in.
Does anyone thing that drinking and ADHD are related? I found myself on an ADHD forum talking about this type of thing and found others could relate to the instability. Of course it could be a chicken or the egg thing.
But it all comes back to us doesn't it? Thanks for the reminder and inspiration to detach and not try to make everything happen for other people :)
Jerry F said
Sep 25, 2016
That kinda sorta describes the "King Baby" "spoiled brat" characteristics of the alcoholic. It is well recognized that when the alcoholic is practicing they revert back to younger years when they first started. When I was a therapist it was always amazing to watch because the behavior was always younger than the client. They don't like it either as it harms their ego an then....OH Well!! (((hugs)))
Hello all
Lovely fresh autumn day here. Got that nice crispness to the air.
Just sat quietly enjoying a coffee. Feeling peaceful. Pondering about how things reveal themselves a layer at a time in recovery. So as not to overwhelm us, I suppose.
The denial about AH has revealed another layer. I say this in a gentle way, I can see him as a sick person now. I was (half) listening to him ramble. His distorted thinking is very clear to me now. I used to believe it all. Everything he said. I believed and thought I had to act on. It got us into so many messes.
I now realise, it is just that. Rambling. A couple days ago he declared he wanted a new bigger TV. The old me would have jumped to it and arranged it! We don't even like tv much, hardly watch it! I see now it was a throw away remark he made. Yet I would have felt I had to do it.
So glad to be free of this. Now I let him ramble and don't engage. The whim passes.
They just say what floats through their mind in that moment, it seems to me. I have learnt to keep quiet and just let it keep floating until has gone! Once I attach it by replying, he starts a campaign about how I am ruining his life by not letting him have whatever that moments whim is.
Hope this makes sense to others. I don't think I am explaining it too well.
They need something to butt up against so they can act out. If nothing there, they forget it.
My ex used to say things that I believed and that made a big impression on me -- "let's buy a mill together and transform it into artists lofts", "let's go visit X", "I really want to do this with you". And then weeks or months later he'd say the total opposite "I'd never go into business with a girlfriend", "I never want to see X again," "I never want to do that again" -- and sometimes with his poor daughter he'd contradict himself from one minute to another. And it was so confusing to me, because I believed it all and it fried my brain! And I almost never brought the contradictions up because I was trying to be accepting and in the moment and understanding that we all change our minds. But it was so confusing! I didn't know what to believe -- because the focus wasn't on myself or my hp.
And I felt I had to act on everything -- like your TV story. Sigh.
Powerful awareness, written very clearly and I so love the peace that comes with this awareness. I love the whole JADE thing and it works because when we engage we validate the insanity and we do them or us no favours. To let it go, i like your term, float away, it passes and is gone. Its sad to finally see the disease for what it is, in a way when we think of the sick person as sane and healthy its us who become mad because yes we do believe the nonsense and our expectations around them is way too unrealistic so we live in a world of constant disappointment.
I think to accept really accept the insanity and sickness in our loved ones breeds the good stuff, compassion and forgiveness rather than the awful anger and bitterness and resentment that serves no purpose other than to poison our days.x
Your moment sounds lovely and peaceful - can relate to that too!
I have to interject that I got to get two dogs that way! I heard him say we should get a dog and before he sobered up we had one!! :) I guess in my sickness I have at times learned when to use those ramblings to my advantage!!
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Friday 23rd of September 2016 10:08:20 AM
As always with our program, it comes back to me and my distorted thinking that I have picked up along the way. A lack of perspective too by me, I think.
Such a relief to no longer do it.
Nice one, Bethany. I smiled about you getting the dog. When my A dad finally removed himself from our home and peace broke out! The first thing us kids did was get a dog!
It is a big joy to be able to spot my crazy behaviours. Then stop them.
To give AH credit, he has responded really well and accepting.
I feel myself liking him again (instead of plotting to kill him!!!)
My treat to myself every morning without fail is a quiet hour or so. Couple of hot drinks. Reading my Hope for Today. Soaking up this wonderful MIP source of comfort and knowledge. Sharing a little on here. Pretty much every post and share here resonates with me.
I feel lucky and blessed. Thank you so so much.
I was such an angry, restless and irritable person. I am not now. I am serene.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Friday 23rd of September 2016 11:39:04 AM
Does anyone thing that drinking and ADHD are related? I found myself on an ADHD forum talking about this type of thing and found others could relate to the instability. Of course it could be a chicken or the egg thing.
But it all comes back to us doesn't it? Thanks for the reminder and inspiration to detach and not try to make everything happen for other people :)
That kinda sorta describes the "King Baby" "spoiled brat" characteristics of the alcoholic. It is well recognized that when the alcoholic is practicing they revert back to younger years when they first started. When I was a therapist it was always amazing to watch because the behavior was always younger than the client. They don't like it either as it harms their ego an then....OH Well!! (((hugs)))