My wife has been home from rehab for a few weeks. I was clueless to her drug use prior to her getting caught at work. Clueless may be a bit strong. I was clueless about her drug use, but there were signs of addiction, but I just didn't know. When she came home, she told me what Step 4 was at a high level and asked me not to read her journal. I obliged for a few weeks even though I was tempted several times as she left it out in the open and kept telling me how secretive it was.
She recently shared with me a very personal secret that she had been keeping for many years. I was the 2nd person she told after her sponsor. The next day, I had this strong urge to read her book when it was out in the open. I can try to justify it by saying that I was tired of bombs getting dropped on me every few weeks and wanted to know the full truth so I can move forward. I know that doesn't justify what I did, but thats why I did it. Unfortunately, my worst nightmare happened when I read that she had cheated on my while at rehab. I told her what I had read and it devastated her. She said she was planning on telling me later in her steps and I didn't give her the chance. While that was a tough pill to swallow, I had come to peace with it and was willing to move forward. Unfortunately, she lied to me again and kept in contact with him for a few days until I caught her.
We have had lots of talks since, but I'm having a hard time believing anything she says. I see the steps working in her in so many ways and I know she is improving. I don't know how to determine if this was the cliche "rehab romance" or if she truly wants to be with him over me. I have this feeling that she is just with me because we have a 4 and 6 year old and I am her financial support system right now. She says she wants to be with me and is choosing to be here, but I don't believe her with 100% of my heart.
Any advice on how to proceed?
geems said
Sep 22, 2016
Read the detachment hand-out. It will help you get to a more objective place to make a decision.
Iamhere said
Sep 22, 2016
Welcome to MIP. Have you sought recovery for yourself? If she's serious about her recovery, I urge you to attend Al-anon meetings so that you too can recover. Nobody, including her probably knows what the future will bring - we focus as best we can on one day at a time in recovery.
Glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Al-Anon will give you all the tools you need to detach, and to set boundaries and to find peace and joy in your own life.
hotrod said
Sep 22, 2016
((Scard husband)) I am sorry that this has happened I do so understand and suggest that you find alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, work my own 4th Step and develop new tools to live by. It is really not what happens to us in life but how we respond, so please take care of yorself by finding alanon support
a4l said
Sep 22, 2016
Glad you found us. I highly highly recommend alanon face to face, and a counsellor who gets addiction and codependency, if possible.
Its weird to me someone leaving a journal out and going on about it being private. Yeah you violated her privacy and a huge boundary, but no one in untreated addiction affected relationships has healthy boundaries anyway. I mean there are layers upon layers of boundary issues, trust issues, respect issues already existing before this happened.
So yes. Your own recovery is my suggestion. Even though she's the addict, we learn a whole bunch of maladaptive survival skills from loving them. Keep coming back.
My wife has been home from rehab for a few weeks. I was clueless to her drug use prior to her getting caught at work. Clueless may be a bit strong. I was clueless about her drug use, but there were signs of addiction, but I just didn't know. When she came home, she told me what Step 4 was at a high level and asked me not to read her journal. I obliged for a few weeks even though I was tempted several times as she left it out in the open and kept telling me how secretive it was.
She recently shared with me a very personal secret that she had been keeping for many years. I was the 2nd person she told after her sponsor. The next day, I had this strong urge to read her book when it was out in the open. I can try to justify it by saying that I was tired of bombs getting dropped on me every few weeks and wanted to know the full truth so I can move forward. I know that doesn't justify what I did, but thats why I did it. Unfortunately, my worst nightmare happened when I read that she had cheated on my while at rehab. I told her what I had read and it devastated her. She said she was planning on telling me later in her steps and I didn't give her the chance. While that was a tough pill to swallow, I had come to peace with it and was willing to move forward. Unfortunately, she lied to me again and kept in contact with him for a few days until I caught her.
We have had lots of talks since, but I'm having a hard time believing anything she says. I see the steps working in her in so many ways and I know she is improving. I don't know how to determine if this was the cliche "rehab romance" or if she truly wants to be with him over me. I have this feeling that she is just with me because we have a 4 and 6 year old and I am her financial support system right now. She says she wants to be with me and is choosing to be here, but I don't believe her with 100% of my heart.
Any advice on how to proceed?
Glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Al-Anon will give you all the tools you need to detach, and to set boundaries and to find peace and joy in your own life.
((Scard husband)) I am sorry that this has happened I do so understand and suggest that you find alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, work my own 4th Step and develop new tools to live by. It is really not what happens to us in life but how we respond, so please take care of yorself by finding alanon support