This is something I have experienced in the last few years with my 36 year old unmarried A daughter (she lives 2.5 hours drive away). It has happened so often, that it has become the norm, And yet, I keep having expectations that this time my A will behave "normally". I'm just not sure what to do "instead". We have two other children, both also unmarried, who live 1 and 10 hours away.
Here's the scenario. There is some sort of family celebratory occasion-Mother's Day, a birthday, an engagement party, Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even just a plan to "meet up for lunch at a halfway point".
So, if it is a holiday dinner, I cook, set her place at the table and she never shows up (and the food she promised to bring for the meal is of course absent as well). Last Thanksgiving, she said she would come the day before to help me cook, but then called to say it would be the next morning, then she calls to say not coming at all. If it is a birthday or Christmas, I buy her presents, wrap them, set them out for when she comes, but she never comes (I still actually have some presents that were wrapped 2 Christmases ago, so they sit in a closet). Some years we have ended up meeting up at the halfway point a month or so after her birthday or Christmas and I have brought her presents. If it is a party, we wait for her arrival, but she doesn't arrive (at least she usually calls to say she isn't coming, though she is either "too depressed" to come or drunk, or just has some strange reason she couldn't come after all). If it is a plan to meet at a halfway point she actually seems to manage to keep these appointments better than making it to our home but other times, I have made my day free, gassed up the car, and usually packed the car with some little presents for her only to have her cancel at the last minute.
So how can a boundary be set to protect myself from disappointment? I mean, it is my daughter, I want to buy her a present and include her in family events (our "family" is just her and two sons who both do make it home for holidays). And, yes, we just go ahead and have our family celebration without her.
Mattie said
Sep 22, 2016
I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds painful.
I guess what I would do if I were in these circumstances would be to assume that she can't come. I mean, I'd invite her and all, but I wouldn't take her seriously when she said she was going to come. I'd behave as if she'd said, "I have to work that day, there's a tiny chance I could get away, but I don't think so, so don't expect me." And if she happened to show up, I'd welcome her and set another place. But I wouldn't count on her bringing food, or helping prepare, or anything like that. I'd just mail her presents.
I've definitely had folks like this in my life. It helped a lot when I never took any of their promises to heart. I'd think to myself, "She's just not capable of that [showing up on time, or whatever]. It would be nice if she could do it, and she believes she'll do it, but I'm in touch with reality and I know not to expect it."
I hope you can find a way forward that helps you!
Iamhere said
Sep 22, 2016
I struggled with this as well. My sponsor suggested I plan for the event and stop planning for the outcome. I would get anxious - will he come, will he be sane/sober, will he fight with me, dad, brother? I know you know what it's like - we obsess over them not coming, over them coming and if they do/don't then what?
So - I tried to plan for the event and for the day. I focused on staying present and enjoying the who was present. If they come - great; if they don't - OK. Sadness always follows when they don't make it but life is not about my expectations being met - it's about being present to enjoy what is, not what I want it to be. I also stopped asking for a commitment - I just say, we're doing this on this day at this time, and would love for you to come. If they commit - so be it. If they hem-haw, I assume maybe. When I stopped reacting, pushing and controlling, they actually starting growing up a little bit at a time.
I've also made plans to do things different than before. The big 3 - X-mas, T-giving & Easter are about family. My birthday, mother's day and my AH's birthday are about what we want - not what's expected. Same with 4th of July, Labor Day and Memorial Day. I believe if my boys want to spend time with us, as adults - they can be in charge also. I rarely see either of mine for their birthdays. We also no longer purchase gifts for them - only the next generation. We're retired and they owe us mega $$, so it was just time to stop that too. My gift is me - take me or leave me.
e_i_m said
Sep 23, 2016
When I had left home and was a young adult, my mother (who was an alcoholic) would plan all sorts of holiday/special events that were laden with her expectations. She would invite me, and I would say yes due to guilt, a sense of that's what a normal family would do, and my hope that things would be different. As the day neared, I started dreading it because I could feel the weight of my mother's expectations and I would think about all the things that could go wrong and would remember that these family events mostly ended in drunken weeping, remonstrances, fights, etc. My mother also had gifts for me that were more about her being thanked and appreciated than a true gift. Sometimes I would not show up because I didn't want to face all the drama.
My mother only ever came once to visit me and I felt like she didn't care about me because she always wanted me to go to her. She lived the same distance away from me as I lived from her. I moved away from home at 17 and my mother died from drinking when I was 28. In that time, she came to one apartment where I lived once for about an hour. I have a photo of that day because it was so meaningful to me.
hotrod said
Sep 23, 2016
((Ignutah)) i would continue to invite her and purchase the gifts. Most importantly, I would let go of expectations of her arrival. I would not ask her to bring food to the event and simply say If you bring yourself that will be enough. Then let go and let God.
Calm Lady said
Sep 23, 2016
I relate to what you share, I also let go of any expectation of the person showing up. If they did, fine, if not, no matter. As Betty days, have no expectation of any offer of food to show either.
I found that takes all the sting out if it then.
I also used to absolutely dread these situations. Would have stomach cramps leading up to them. I now question MY judgement in expecting a person with this disease to be well enough to do as they say what they will do.
My thinking was distorted in repeating the same expectation over and over expecting different results.
I believe Al-anon says something although the lines of look at the source making the statement. As to whether you should give it much weight. That is my responsibility.
This is something I have experienced in the last few years with my 36 year old unmarried A daughter (she lives 2.5 hours drive away). It has happened so often, that it has become the norm, And yet, I keep having expectations that this time my A will behave "normally". I'm just not sure what to do "instead". We have two other children, both also unmarried, who live 1 and 10 hours away.
Here's the scenario. There is some sort of family celebratory occasion-Mother's Day, a birthday, an engagement party, Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even just a plan to "meet up for lunch at a halfway point".
So, if it is a holiday dinner, I cook, set her place at the table and she never shows up (and the food she promised to bring for the meal is of course absent as well). Last Thanksgiving, she said she would come the day before to help me cook, but then called to say it would be the next morning, then she calls to say not coming at all. If it is a birthday or Christmas, I buy her presents, wrap them, set them out for when she comes, but she never comes (I still actually have some presents that were wrapped 2 Christmases ago, so they sit in a closet). Some years we have ended up meeting up at the halfway point a month or so after her birthday or Christmas and I have brought her presents. If it is a party, we wait for her arrival, but she doesn't arrive (at least she usually calls to say she isn't coming, though she is either "too depressed" to come or drunk, or just has some strange reason she couldn't come after all). If it is a plan to meet at a halfway point she actually seems to manage to keep these appointments better than making it to our home but other times, I have made my day free, gassed up the car, and usually packed the car with some little presents for her only to have her cancel at the last minute.
So how can a boundary be set to protect myself from disappointment? I mean, it is my daughter, I want to buy her a present and include her in family events (our "family" is just her and two sons who both do make it home for holidays). And, yes, we just go ahead and have our family celebration without her.
I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds painful.
I guess what I would do if I were in these circumstances would be to assume that she can't come. I mean, I'd invite her and all, but I wouldn't take her seriously when she said she was going to come. I'd behave as if she'd said, "I have to work that day, there's a tiny chance I could get away, but I don't think so, so don't expect me." And if she happened to show up, I'd welcome her and set another place. But I wouldn't count on her bringing food, or helping prepare, or anything like that. I'd just mail her presents.
I've definitely had folks like this in my life. It helped a lot when I never took any of their promises to heart. I'd think to myself, "She's just not capable of that [showing up on time, or whatever]. It would be nice if she could do it, and she believes she'll do it, but I'm in touch with reality and I know not to expect it."
I hope you can find a way forward that helps you!
So - I tried to plan for the event and for the day. I focused on staying present and enjoying the who was present. If they come - great; if they don't - OK. Sadness always follows when they don't make it but life is not about my expectations being met - it's about being present to enjoy what is, not what I want it to be. I also stopped asking for a commitment - I just say, we're doing this on this day at this time, and would love for you to come. If they commit - so be it. If they hem-haw, I assume maybe. When I stopped reacting, pushing and controlling, they actually starting growing up a little bit at a time.
I've also made plans to do things different than before. The big 3 - X-mas, T-giving & Easter are about family. My birthday, mother's day and my AH's birthday are about what we want - not what's expected. Same with 4th of July, Labor Day and Memorial Day. I believe if my boys want to spend time with us, as adults - they can be in charge also. I rarely see either of mine for their birthdays. We also no longer purchase gifts for them - only the next generation. We're retired and they owe us mega $$, so it was just time to stop that too. My gift is me - take me or leave me.
My mother only ever came once to visit me and I felt like she didn't care about me because she always wanted me to go to her. She lived the same distance away from me as I lived from her. I moved away from home at 17 and my mother died from drinking when I was 28. In that time, she came to one apartment where I lived once for about an hour. I have a photo of that day because it was so meaningful to me.
I found that takes all the sting out if it then.
I also used to absolutely dread these situations. Would have stomach cramps leading up to them. I now question MY judgement in expecting a person with this disease to be well enough to do as they say what they will do.
My thinking was distorted in repeating the same expectation over and over expecting different results.
I believe Al-anon says something although the lines of look at the source making the statement. As to whether you should give it much weight. That is my responsibility.