I learned in Al-Anon to focus on what is working vs. what is not working.  As I reflect on my life since coming to the program, things have improved.  I am grateful beyond words most of the time.  Then, we have those days that society normalizes - birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.  I am working my backside off to focus on the good and be grateful because - 

 - I heard from all of my brothers.

 - I heard from my parents.

 - I heard from several friends.

 - I actually got a hand-written card with poetry from my AH (this has not happened in 20 years....)

 - I heard from one of my sons. 

 - I had a lovely dinner with program friends.

 - I gotta couple of nice from the heart gifts.

Yet, in spite of a successful day and tons of joy and caring, I am sad.  I have two sons and only heard from one.  It is the insanity of my disease that pulls me and my thinking from focusing on all that is good and instead is sad because I did not hear from him.

I know I must feel this and I must process it so I sit with tears flowing down my cheeks and a bit of guilt and shame because he did not reach out.  I didn't expect him to, but I hoped he would.  My heart shouldn't break over this is what the disease tells us yet, my heart is split a bit.  So - now I've shared and I feel better.  I could wallow in this or I can ask God to bring me peace and watch over him and let it go.  

I am amazed that I feel guilty for detaching from him as that's so foreign to what special days are about.  Yet, I know in my head based on my growth that detachment is healthy.  It just doesn't feel that way for me right now in this moment.

I know this too shall pass and that there is nothing normal about this darn disease.  I know that in spite of my sadness, I am very grateful for recovery and Al-Anon as in the past, these type of feelings and days would haunt me longer than an evening.

Thanks for listening MIP family....

I can relate to your feelings. When we have adult children who are driven by something bigger than us, our expectations cant really be within the 'norm' you know. Its so hard though, especially on your birthday because in the 'normal' world our children will visit, call etc because their minds are clear enough to fit other people in. Whenaddiction is running the show there is no room or very little room for others that aren't helping this disease to thrive. You could see his no show as testament to your detachment, you are no longer one of alcoholisms little helpers, that is huge, well worth celebrating. Your no longer helping him self destruct. I try to remember, where there is life there is hope and you know recently I have heard so many brilliant examples of this. I recently met a young guy who was a heroin addict, in fact the last time I saw him I swear there was that death look on his face, well you should see him, I never even recognized him, hes in recovery, put on weight, looks amazing, even, dare I say it, 'normal.' Theres always hope and your son has the best chance of recovery because you are not enabling him and Mothers make the best, super duper enablers of all time.x 

(((Iamhere))) Be gentle with yourself. You are only human. Happy belated birthday!

Sending you a healing hug, i liked
Pinks reply too :)

((((( Iam )))))

I too giggled out loud at pinkchip, god bless you, lol

Birthdays stir up my sensitivities... the older I get, the more sensitive I am wondering, what am I doing on this planet anyway? lol

My brain is really something, I can have all these positive things happening but my brain sticks to the NEGATIVE like velcro, I just zero right in on precisely what I don't have or can't have, despite all the Good. I give power to so many (things and people) when I could be giving it to a reliable God.

It helps me to remember that detachment... or letting go and letting God... really is about detachment and attachment simultaneously.   seeking outside myself MUST fail if my true desire is God. In this way, what I believed was "bad" was only an illusion.

Happy Birthday (((dear one)))