Been doing a lot of thinking since finding this site about my past relationships and why I always end up with an addict. Trying to do a self-inventory of me and my issues.
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive to me (slapped across my face more times than I can count) and was constantly told how dumb, stupid and irresponsible I was....how her favorite children were born in the month of March (my and my brothers bday is August and November) - she always asked me "why can't you be more like your sister??" - never came to my school concerts, my track meets nothing but went to everything of my sisters....soooooooo with that in mind here is how my life has gone....
First boyfriend was a drug addict. He was the first guy I ever went out with and he told me he loved me and I believe him. I was only 15 years old at the time. I didn't know about his drug addiction until after we had been together for a few years....not only was he an addict he was a drug dealer and always in and out of prison. But he cried real tears, promised me he would change, told me he loved me, I was the best thing to ever happen to him...blah, blah, blah.... so beings I loved him I stuck it out for 5 1/2 years until I had enough and I walked.
Then I meet my future husband - also an alcoholic - but had been sober for 1 1/2 years...I never knew him when he drank. After being treated so awful by boyfriend number one I fall for this man because he treats me so well. I didn't realize that there were others out there that would treat me well also so I jumped hook, line and sinker into this marriage. Then after 20 years of living the boring, routine, ritual called marriage I fall for a recovering alcoholic. He'd been sober for over 30 years! Was a wonderful father to his kids, always participating in their lives, was a hard worker, good-looking as hell and had a deep southern accent that would make your heart melt like butter.
We began our affair - after about 2 years the affair began he decided that he would start drinking beer - I told him I didn't think he should do that...he had been diagnosed as an alcoholic...it ran in his family...but he assured me he could handle it. HA!!! After a few years of the beer drinking when that wasn't enough anymore he moved to scotch - and then he really fell. He was / is a functioning alcoholic. He has to drink all day everyday to be able to work and get through his days. He wakes up in the middle of the night shaking because his mind and body is craving another drink.
Last September he went into a recovery center...came out...ended our affair....but after a couple months decided he just had to have me in his life and stupid me gave him another chance. WHY???? Well because what will happen to him without me??? His wife doesn't want anything to do with him (they haven't been intimate for over 21 years) - who will he have to talk too if I leave??? Who will he be physically and emotionally connected to if I leave him??? Who will be there to listen to him and support him and try to understand everything he is going through??? And I love him!!! Because, after-all, alcoholism is a disease....and I truly love him....and if he had cancer (which is a disease) I wouldn't walk away from him...that would be selfish, heartless and not true love at all! So I stayed...and allowed him to string me along, lie to me, and have to go through detox 4 more times in the past year. Every time afterwards saying he had to cut ties with me.
I finally made myself realize that alcoholism may be a disease but it's not like cancer. If a cancer patient were told "you have cancer but you don't need surgery...we aren't going to have to remove anything....you don't have to do radiation and lose your hair and you don't have to do chemo and puke your guts out all in hopes that it will work....all you have to do is find your HP, get a sponsor, got to Cancer meetings and work the program and your cancer will go into remission" they would jump on that in a heartbeat!
Realizing the difference between the disease of alcoholism and the disease of cancer has helped me immensely. Alcoholism makes the person that it infects very selfish, unkind, self-centered and a liar. They will say whatever they have to to keep the enable in their life. Cancer does not have that affect on the person it infects. Realizing the difference in the two diseases allows me to no longer feel like a selfish beast for not being there for him the next time he decides he wants me back in his life....I don't feel like a cold-hearted b***h for focusing on me and letting him live his life the way he has chosen to live it.
And as for me --- I'm quite content to just live my life for me, myself and I and be a part of this boring, routine, ritual called marriage again. No drama, no anxiety, no emotional roller-coaster.
I need to be done with men for a very long time and just love myself for the kind, caring, loving and compassionate person that I am!
And for this eye-opening moment after 50 years of living I just want to say thank you to all of you! Your posts have made me think and your words and actions have inspired me!
el-cee said
Sep 18, 2016
Thanks for sharing your honest inventory. Its good to look at some of the reasons we made the choices we made. It sounds like you had a difficult childhood, maybe alcoholism was in your family too and your Mother was effected. Or did she have mental health issues because she shounds like a sick woman. Ive learned that people tend to be sick rather than mean or bad or evil. Its better for me to know this aobut people because forgiveness and compassion can exist rather than bitterness or resentment and thats better for me any my thinking. Im not saying you are either, only you can decide.
I was able to let go of a lot anger when I brought people in my life into the category of sick or damaged. I can understand sick and damaged because Ive also been sick and damaged and thus the people in my life havent had an easy time from me either, including my ex ah husband. Its funny because when i viewed others as bad or mean I never viewed me this way, I was the good one, better than others. So ultimately I can bring the human beings in my past and present into being flawed humans just like me, not above or below. Much easier to live with.
Ive heard the comparison between alcoholics and cancer sufferers before and it doesnt quite sit right with me. I have came to believe alcoholism is a disease with a set of symptoms, so is cancer. The difference is alcoholism is a thinking disease that tells the sufferer they dont have it. Can you imagine? So a cancer sufferer has a much better chance of facing their disease and seeking out treatment and hopefully recovery. Alcoholism is also much harder for people to understand, its not really socially acceptable, doesnt attract the same sympathy and compassion like cancer so we dont see fund raising for alcoholics or people looking for a cure really, well not that I know of. So if your an alcoholic your chances are pretty limited, its a life threatening disease and whereas the cancer patient will get suport and lots of help from family and friends, alcoholism gets the opposite and to actually help an alcoholic means stopping the 'helping' in the traditional sense. Of course the measure of suffering between both diseases would be difficult to compare i think so for me its just not a good comparison.
Do you go to meetings, you fit the criteria, affected by someone else drinking? There you will get that face to face contact and learn to see yourself in a clearer way and it will help you with your own marriage and lots of other aspects of your life, past and present.
jojo8466 said
Sep 18, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Thanks for sharing your honest inventory. Its good to look at some of the reasons we made the choices we made. It sounds like you had a difficult childhood, maybe alcoholism was in your family too and your Mother was effected. Or did she have mental health issues because she shounds like a sick woman. Ive learned that people tend to be sick rather than mean or bad or evil. Its better for me to know this aobut people because forgiveness and compassion can exist rather than bitterness or resentment and thats better for me any my thinking. Im not saying you are either, only you can decide.
I was able to let go of a lot anger when I brought people in my life into the category of sick or damaged. I can understand sick and damaged because Ive also been sick and damaged and thus the people in my life havent had an easy time from me either, including my ex ah husband. Its funny because when i viewed others as bad or mean I never viewed me this way, I was the good one, better than others. So ultimately I can bring the human beings in my past and present into being flawed humans just like me, not above or below. Much easier to live with.
Ive heard the comparison between alcoholics and cancer sufferers before and it doesnt quite sit right with me. I have came to believe alcoholism is a disease with a set of symptoms, so is cancer. The difference is alcoholism is a thinking disease that tells the sufferer they dont have it. Can you imagine? So a cancer sufferer has a much better chance of facing their disease and seeking out treatment and hopefully recovery. Alcoholism is also much harder for people to understand, its not really socially acceptable, doesnt attract the same sympathy and compassion like cancer so we dont see fund raising for alcoholics or people looking for a cure really, well not that I know of. So if your an alcoholic your chances are pretty limited, its a life threatening disease and whereas the cancer patient will get suport and lots of help from family and friends, alcoholism gets the opposite and to actually help an alcoholic means stopping the 'helping' in the traditional sense. Of course the measure of suffering between both diseases would be difficult to compare i think so for me its just not a good comparison.
Do you go to meetings, you fit the criteria, affected by someone else drinking? There you will get that face to face contact and learn to see yourself in a clearer way and it will help you with your own marriage and lots of other aspects of your life, past and present.
No my mother wasn't an alcoholic...she didn't have mental issues....she was an only child that got everything she wanted growing up and never had to sacrifice anything. So when she got married and had 4 children and a couple of her children didn't agree with her way of doing things or how she thought about things she didn't know how to handle it and lost her temper. Growing up she never had to learn how to agree to disagree with anyone since she had no siblings to fight with. And since she got everything she wanted when she was a child money and materialistic wise she didn't know what to do when she wanted something as a grown woman but her kids needed clothes, school supplies etc. and there wasn't the funds there to take care of her wants and her children needs so she ran up a lot of credit card debt. My father worked a full-time job and 4 part-time jobs trying to keep her happy. And he often sold some of his prized possessions to pay off credit card debt that she would run up time and time again.
My mother is dead...she was killed in a car wreck at the age of 42 when I was 21. We never got to say I'm sorry, to understand why she treated me and my brother like she did, there were never any apologies. But that is life and life goes on. I forgive her...I knew she did the best she knew how. As we all do. This is the life God dealt me and it's up to me to learn from it and know that He gave me all these experiences and life lessons for only reasons that He can understand. And I have accepted that.
Several years ago I began counseling sessions with a therapist to deal with the childhood I had. It helped a lot and it was through those sessions that I learned to forgive my mother.
I can respect your view on alcoholism and cancer. And I'm grateful that we are each able to have our own beliefs that help us love ourselves and take care of ourselves in our own way!
Hope you are having a nice Sunday!
el-cee said
Sep 18, 2016
Im sorry you didnt get that chance to say sorry or even goodbye, its hard to lose your Mother so young. Im glad you forgive her and even understand her bahaviour. I also had to learn that people did the best with what they knew. Theres freedom in that. Often alcoholism runs deep in families so when I learn of irrational behaviour I tend to assume there is alcoholism somewhere in the family even if its a generation back. I read somewhere that an estimated 80% of the population are affected either directly or through there parents being affected and on and on it goes.
You too have a good Sunday, glad your here.x
el-cee said
Sep 18, 2016
You have got me thinking on the whole comparison between alcoholism and cancer and I was thinking about the families. So for me, I kept it hush hush, ashamed to let people know, encouraged my children to also keep quiet and it was all shrouded in shame. Whereas cancer has no shame attached i dont think, so maybe I could say that children and families get a hard time. Also cancer tends not to cause imprisonment, mental wards, homelessness, outcasted from society. Its such an awful disease and I wouldnt wish either on anyone. I dont have much experience of having a loved one with cancer and I pray I dont but Im an expert on the damage caused by alcoholism unfortunately.
jojo8466 said
Sep 18, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Im sorry you didnt get that chance to say sorry or even goodbye, its hard to lose your Mother so young. Im glad you forgive her and even understand her bahaviour. I also had to learn that people did the best with what they knew. Theres freedom in that. Often alcoholism runs deep in families so when I learn of irrational behaviour I tend to assume there is alcoholism somewhere in the family even if its a generation back. I read somewhere that an estimated 80% of the population are affected either directly or through there parents being affected and on and on it goes.
You too have a good Sunday, glad your here.x
Nope no alcoholism in my family...never....but damn if I don't keep picking these dang alcoholics to bring into my life!!!! LOL!!!! Oh well....lesson learned and what a valuable lesson it has been! Such an eye-opener!
And in regards to my mother treating me like she did it was actually a blessing in regards to knowing the type of mother I didn't want to be to my children. My children knew (and still know) they were loved....there was no favorite....they were equal in my heart and they got treated equally. My children grew up to be strong, loving, dedicated to their decisions and are amazing hard-working, caring, kind adults today! And if I had to endue the childhood I did to have two of my own children that have made me so very proud I would live it all over again in a heart-beat without a moments hesitation!
So in the end it all worked out!
el-cee said
Sep 18, 2016
Such a blessing after all, its all we all want really to be good mothers and have happy healthy children, what more could anyone ask for?
jojo8466 said
Sep 18, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Such a blessing after all, its all we all want really to be good mothers and have happy healthy children, what more could anyone ask for?
Absolutely nothing else....our children and their well-being are all that matter to us and that is how it should be. We are all God's children and we are all that matter to Him. It's no different between an earth mother and her own children.
Been doing a lot of thinking since finding this site about my past relationships and why I always end up with an addict. Trying to do a self-inventory of me and my issues.
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive to me (slapped across my face more times than I can count) and was constantly told how dumb, stupid and irresponsible I was....how her favorite children were born in the month of March (my and my brothers bday is August and November) - she always asked me "why can't you be more like your sister??" - never came to my school concerts, my track meets nothing but went to everything of my sisters....soooooooo with that in mind here is how my life has gone....
First boyfriend was a drug addict. He was the first guy I ever went out with and he told me he loved me and I believe him. I was only 15 years old at the time. I didn't know about his drug addiction until after we had been together for a few years....not only was he an addict he was a drug dealer and always in and out of prison. But he cried real tears, promised me he would change, told me he loved me, I was the best thing to ever happen to him...blah, blah, blah.... so beings I loved him I stuck it out for 5 1/2 years until I had enough and I walked.
Then I meet my future husband - also an alcoholic - but had been sober for 1 1/2 years...I never knew him when he drank. After being treated so awful by boyfriend number one I fall for this man because he treats me so well. I didn't realize that there were others out there that would treat me well also so I jumped hook, line and sinker into this marriage. Then after 20 years of living the boring, routine, ritual called marriage I fall for a recovering alcoholic. He'd been sober for over 30 years! Was a wonderful father to his kids, always participating in their lives, was a hard worker, good-looking as hell and had a deep southern accent that would make your heart melt like butter.
We began our affair - after about 2 years the affair began he decided that he would start drinking beer - I told him I didn't think he should do that...he had been diagnosed as an alcoholic...it ran in his family...but he assured me he could handle it. HA!!! After a few years of the beer drinking when that wasn't enough anymore he moved to scotch - and then he really fell. He was / is a functioning alcoholic. He has to drink all day everyday to be able to work and get through his days. He wakes up in the middle of the night shaking because his mind and body is craving another drink.
Last September he went into a recovery center...came out...ended our affair....but after a couple months decided he just had to have me in his life and stupid me gave him another chance. WHY???? Well because what will happen to him without me??? His wife doesn't want anything to do with him (they haven't been intimate for over 21 years) - who will he have to talk too if I leave??? Who will he be physically and emotionally connected to if I leave him??? Who will be there to listen to him and support him and try to understand everything he is going through??? And I love him!!! Because, after-all, alcoholism is a disease....and I truly love him....and if he had cancer (which is a disease) I wouldn't walk away from him...that would be selfish, heartless and not true love at all! So I stayed...and allowed him to string me along, lie to me, and have to go through detox 4 more times in the past year. Every time afterwards saying he had to cut ties with me.
I finally made myself realize that alcoholism may be a disease but it's not like cancer. If a cancer patient were told "you have cancer but you don't need surgery...we aren't going to have to remove anything....you don't have to do radiation and lose your hair and you don't have to do chemo and puke your guts out all in hopes that it will work....all you have to do is find your HP, get a sponsor, got to Cancer meetings and work the program and your cancer will go into remission" they would jump on that in a heartbeat!
Realizing the difference between the disease of alcoholism and the disease of cancer has helped me immensely. Alcoholism makes the person that it infects very selfish, unkind, self-centered and a liar. They will say whatever they have to to keep the enable in their life. Cancer does not have that affect on the person it infects. Realizing the difference in the two diseases allows me to no longer feel like a selfish beast for not being there for him the next time he decides he wants me back in his life....I don't feel like a cold-hearted b***h for focusing on me and letting him live his life the way he has chosen to live it.
And as for me --- I'm quite content to just live my life for me, myself and I and be a part of this boring, routine, ritual called marriage again. No drama, no anxiety, no emotional roller-coaster.
I need to be done with men for a very long time and just love myself for the kind, caring, loving and compassionate person that I am!
And for this eye-opening moment after 50 years of living I just want to say thank you to all of you! Your posts have made me think and your words and actions have inspired me!
I was able to let go of a lot anger when I brought people in my life into the category of sick or damaged. I can understand sick and damaged because Ive also been sick and damaged and thus the people in my life havent had an easy time from me either, including my ex ah husband. Its funny because when i viewed others as bad or mean I never viewed me this way, I was the good one, better than others. So ultimately I can bring the human beings in my past and present into being flawed humans just like me, not above or below. Much easier to live with.
Ive heard the comparison between alcoholics and cancer sufferers before and it doesnt quite sit right with me. I have came to believe alcoholism is a disease with a set of symptoms, so is cancer. The difference is alcoholism is a thinking disease that tells the sufferer they dont have it. Can you imagine? So a cancer sufferer has a much better chance of facing their disease and seeking out treatment and hopefully recovery. Alcoholism is also much harder for people to understand, its not really socially acceptable, doesnt attract the same sympathy and compassion like cancer so we dont see fund raising for alcoholics or people looking for a cure really, well not that I know of. So if your an alcoholic your chances are pretty limited, its a life threatening disease and whereas the cancer patient will get suport and lots of help from family and friends, alcoholism gets the opposite and to actually help an alcoholic means stopping the 'helping' in the traditional sense. Of course the measure of suffering between both diseases would be difficult to compare i think so for me its just not a good comparison.
Do you go to meetings, you fit the criteria, affected by someone else drinking? There you will get that face to face contact and learn to see yourself in a clearer way and it will help you with your own marriage and lots of other aspects of your life, past and present.
No my mother wasn't an alcoholic...she didn't have mental issues....she was an only child that got everything she wanted growing up and never had to sacrifice anything. So when she got married and had 4 children and a couple of her children didn't agree with her way of doing things or how she thought about things she didn't know how to handle it and lost her temper. Growing up she never had to learn how to agree to disagree with anyone since she had no siblings to fight with. And since she got everything she wanted when she was a child money and materialistic wise she didn't know what to do when she wanted something as a grown woman but her kids needed clothes, school supplies etc. and there wasn't the funds there to take care of her wants and her children needs so she ran up a lot of credit card debt. My father worked a full-time job and 4 part-time jobs trying to keep her happy. And he often sold some of his prized possessions to pay off credit card debt that she would run up time and time again.
My mother is dead...she was killed in a car wreck at the age of 42 when I was 21. We never got to say I'm sorry, to understand why she treated me and my brother like she did, there were never any apologies. But that is life and life goes on. I forgive her...I knew she did the best she knew how. As we all do. This is the life God dealt me and it's up to me to learn from it and know that He gave me all these experiences and life lessons for only reasons that He can understand. And I have accepted that.
Several years ago I began counseling sessions with a therapist to deal with the childhood I had. It helped a lot and it was through those sessions that I learned to forgive my mother.
I can respect your view on alcoholism and cancer. And I'm grateful that we are each able to have our own beliefs that help us love ourselves and take care of ourselves in our own way!
Hope you are having a nice Sunday!
You too have a good Sunday, glad your here.x
Nope no alcoholism in my family...never....but damn if I don't keep picking these dang alcoholics to bring into my life!!!! LOL!!!! Oh well....lesson learned and what a valuable lesson it has been! Such an eye-opener!
And in regards to my mother treating me like she did it was actually a blessing in regards to knowing the type of mother I didn't want to be to my children. My children knew (and still know) they were loved....there was no favorite....they were equal in my heart and they got treated equally. My children grew up to be strong, loving, dedicated to their decisions and are amazing hard-working, caring, kind adults today! And if I had to endue the childhood I did to have two of my own children that have made me so very proud I would live it all over again in a heart-beat without a moments hesitation!
So in the end it all worked out!
Absolutely nothing else....our children and their well-being are all that matter to us and that is how it should be. We are all God's children and we are all that matter to Him. It's no different between an earth mother and her own children.