I've shared a lot on here but I haven't really shared about my sister. She has had an alcohol abuse problem for at least 6 or 7 years. I haven't mentioned it because we don't live close and it has had very little impact on me personally.
Her husband has been really controlling. Despite that fact that he makes $400k or so, he has cut all her access to money. This may be so that he isn't enabling her but there is a controlling side as well. He often texts us nasty texts about my sister and blames us for not doing anything and he's turned the young daughters against her. However, when my other siblings have arranged things for rehab, he's balked so we're not sure if he really wants her to go.
Anyway, she called me last night and agreed that she needed to go to inpatient rehab. I know when my wife went they picked her up. If I tried to make the arrangements, what would the rehab center need from my sister? I would assume they need her to confirm to them that she wants to do this before they would start the process. I just think having someone show up at her door would be a great motivating factor assuming she has already agreed. I realize I can't make her go but I can make it easier on her if she really has made this decision.
She lives in Houston so I think we're looking at either Houston or Austin places. I haven't confirmed the insurance that they have so I need to get that info. Hopefully the BIL will at least cooperate by giving me that info.
Up to this point I've been staying away from this because I was dealing with enough on my own, and my siblings (who all live in Texas anyway) have been involved. I think now I can use my experience to try to help.
2HP said
Sep 18, 2016
God bless you, friend. I think you and I are twins.
It is very kind that you want to point the way. May I suggest that you point the way. And then take your hands off. Put yourself back under that cute little Pixar Lamp. Stop doing for others what they can do for themselves.
Give the information. And then dive back in to your own recovery waters... reading our literature, adding more meetings to your schedule..... getting quiet and still, going for walks...
If I'm always asserting myself and "doing" ... I stop being "receptive." Focusing on others is an enormous distraction, preventing my own healing and recovery.... this is our "dis-ease" at work. Until I hit a bottom with it, my soul was begging for my own love and attention.
I tried working a two-step program too... admit my powerless over alcohol and then head right into service to others. It does not work, it only brought my life right back into unmanageability. It had to fail.
The steps are meant to be worked in order, it's a process and it takes time to digest. Before service to others, I need to be practicing the preceding steps first, particularly spiritual awareness with daily prayer and meditation... otherwise it's really me controlling and directing the show, not God.
pinkchip said
Sep 18, 2016
Once she calls any rehab in that area, an admissions person will assist her as long as she is financially approved/able to go there. If she has the insurance...he can't stop her really...
el-cee said
Sep 18, 2016
I agree with 2hp, getting her some info would be as far as I would go, anything else could be interfering and maybe making things worse. How would you feel if your brother in law began organising things for your wife? Theres always two sides to a story and i imagine your hearing her side, and shes putting the blame on him for her drinking? doesnt that sound familiar?
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 18, 2016
I called my BIL. He is in a hotel with their two girls. I told him I didn't want to interfere but I thought that was a good move as I think my sister needs to see some consequences. He seems to be very cooperative and seemed happy that I had researched a couple of places.
I will not push it too far. Just want to support them and try to make it easier if she still feels the way she felt last night. I can't contact her today. My BIL said that means she's probably on the floor drunk. I would love to talk to her but I know I can't control what I can't control.
I think she's gotten really bad - much worse than my AW was. My dad was hospitalized with sepsis this last week and we tried for days to get a hold of her and she was not responsive. I think BIL told her but it didn't register. After 3 or so days she texted me about something else and when I told her she had no idea my dad was in the hospital. Not good if she is out of it for several days in a row.
hotrod said
Sep 18, 2016
((CH)) Positive thoughts and prayers for your sister and her family You might suggest that her husband search our alanon as well, as we all need support in dealing with the insanity of the disease.
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 18, 2016
hotrod wrote:
((CH)) Positive thoughts and prayers for your sister and her family You might suggest that her husband search our alanon as well, as we all need support in dealing with the insanity of the disease.
I will suggest it at some point. I may have to edit this thread though.
Iamhere said
Sep 18, 2016
CH - my family is riddled with the disease. My own personal experience is to share what I can when I can and then step back asking while I am stepping back to 'let me know if I can be of more assistance.' I ended up taking a cousin once, and the next thing you know, I am the one they called when she relapsed and they were booting her out. So - I had to learn I can only carry the message and not the alcoholic/person and to set up my boundaries in advance so I am not sucked back into the disease, chaos and drama.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you all. It's always encouraging when one reaches out for help!!! I wish you all well!
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 18, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
CH - my family is riddled with the disease. My own personal experience is to share what I can when I can and then step back asking while I am stepping back to 'let me know if I can be of more assistance.' I ended up taking a cousin once, and the next thing you know, I am the one they called when she relapsed and they were booting her out. So - I had to learn I can only carry the message and not the alcoholic/person and to set up my boundaries in advance so I am not sucked back into the disease, chaos and drama.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you all. It's always encouraging when one reaches out for help!!! I wish you all well!
I understand. In this case I just pushed it because the time was right. My sister reached out to me and said she was ready to go so I felt a push and some logistical help would be beneficial.
One thing about this is that while I love her and want the best for her, I'm not as personally vested. I haven't been around to experience the impact of her alcoholism or to play any role whatsoever. I did feel a little obligation because unlike my two brothers, I haven't done any leg work on this because I was so engulfed in our own situation and because my sister reached out to me specifically.
My sister did take the first step and she called the facility that we recommended. I think my wife sharing her experience helped. They are validating insurance and she will be admitted in the next few days. She has told her daughters and said they were happy about it. Unfortunately she said it would be Wed or Thurs. Not sure if it generally takes that long but my sister did say she had to get her affairs in order. Hope it isn't just a delay tactic.
At this point all I can do is trust that she will go. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Btw, we were wrong about her condition today. She wasn't answering the phone (maybe avoiding the issue) but when I did get in touch with her she seemed very sober. My BIL stopped by and said the same.
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Sunday 18th of September 2016 07:53:33 PM
CEH said
Sep 18, 2016
CH,
So proud of you helping your sister. It is easy to not deal with our loved ones when they aren't around, but good for you for helping her. Good luck and I will be praying for her.
el-cee said
Sep 19, 2016
CH_Husband_Dad wrote:
hotrod wrote:
((CH)) Positive thoughts and prayers for your sister and her family You might suggest that her husband search our alanon as well, as we all need support in dealing with the insanity of the disease.
I will suggest it at some point. I may have to edit this thread though.
I was thinking about this and you dont have to share this forum with anyone, in fact I dont tell anyone Im on here because this is anonymous and its for me. You could let your brother in law know about Alanon, the fellowship, the meetings, the help and support, the real face to face stuff. This forum is different, its not the actual alanon programme if you know what I mean.
Iamhere said
Sep 19, 2016
I too don't share MIP with others. I have suggested in my F2F meetings that I post online as well. If one were to ask, I would certainly offer MIP to them! It's been a gift to/for me! I love the way the program suggests attraction rather than promotion and truly always consider that when I share with others about recovery. I never want to impose my will on them, no matter how much I care/love them/want to fix them. Instead, I try to be the best me I can be and when asked how I do it/what I do to deal with it, then I share.
I assess each scenario and pray for guidance in the moment. Seems to work best for me!
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 21, 2016
Just an update. My sister called me yesterday and she was furious. After finding out some rules of rehab (no electronics, limited cash allowed, etc.), she told me she didn't need to be treated like a child. She went on a tirade about her husband and said as soon as this is over she's divorcing him for making her do this. She then once told me that if it is as bad as she thinks it will be she will never speak to me again. I just told her I'll take that chance because I love her. She hung up when I said that.
She did call later and we had a better conversation. She was still apprehensive and still complained about things but not nearly as confrontational. She kept saying she doesn't understand why she has to sleep there. (She wants to do outpatient but she's tried that before.) She is a private person so she doesn't want to sit in classes where they share.
I think this kind of goes along with the saying that you can't force someone into rehab who isn't ready. I hope if she does go she is able to do so with an open mind. I'd rather she not go if she is just going to be confrontational and likely leave early.
The thing is, the only reasons I got involved is because she told me on Saturday night that she wanted inpatient rehab and asked for our help, and my BIL has been begging me to get involved. I told him that if she isn't ready then he needs to set consequences. When he left with the girls for a few days that is what triggered my sister to contact me. I didn't suggest what consequences he needs to set as I am trying to stay out of their business. As my brother said, someone needs to get those girls out of that house because this is likely causing emotional harm to them. I never thought I would say that about my sister.
Iamhere said
Sep 21, 2016
(((Hugs))) CH - you done good......I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Someone smarter than I once said that each time they (qualifiers) are exposed to recovery, seeds are planted. When they sprout is up to them and their HP. Don't fret about what will, may, may not happen. Do all that you can to stay present in the here and now.
We're with you and you're doing well - keep it up!! For what it's worth, you and only you can define the boundary necessary for self-preservation.
hotrod said
Sep 21, 2016
((CH)) Thanks for the update -I agree, you did well!!! Her response sounds very familiar to me as I have experienced a similar response from my hubby when he entered his first rehab.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
pinkchip said
Sep 21, 2016
Wow CH....your sister is really sounding like a whiny baby. Working in rehab, I hear clients screaming at and cursing their family regularly....the same family that has endured YEARS of their crap and yet they act like they are being tortured cuz they cant have a cell phone and are expected to work on their problems. Geesh. I am only saying this so you keep it in perspective. Your sister is very sick. Your wife is also early on in this. After dealing with our A's for so long, we lose perspective and give credence to the silliest tantrums and insane behavior. Tread lightly and keep reaching out. Detach from alcoholic fueled drama when you can.
serenity47 said
Sep 21, 2016
My AD wasn't overly eager to go to rehab when she first went either.... but she went... she was adamant that she would only do rehab for 28 days , no sober living house after, she stayed about 50 days then sober living for about three months... she hated AA back when she was active... now she goes 3 to 4 times a week.... My point is don't sweat the small stuff, I stewed and fretted about what would happen in the future and learned that if they are ready they will do whatever it takes to get sober . Her attitude improved dramatically in a short period of time after entering rehab.
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 22, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
Wow CH....your sister is really sounding like a whiny baby. Working in rehab, I hear clients screaming at and cursing their family regularly....the same family that has endured YEARS of their crap and yet they act like they are being tortured cuz they cant have a cell phone and are expected to work on their problems. Geesh. I am only saying this so you keep it in perspective. Your sister is very sick. Your wife is also early on in this. After dealing with our A's for so long, we lose perspective and give credence to the silliest tantrums and insane behavior. Tread lightly and keep reaching out. Detach from alcoholic fueled drama when you can.
Agreed. I do think it is the disease talking although she's never been one to hold back words when she gets upset. She does have a problem where she thinks she is better than some people and that can hold her back although I'm hoping this experience changes her attitude towards that a little as well.
I can't say I've really dealt with much from her since I don't live close. I think it's her husband and especially children who have to deal with it. It's sort of like my dad. He became an alcoholic (and recovered) but since I wasn't close I never really saw it.
Anyway, the good news is that she went today! My BIL said she was apprehensive but not angry.
Calm Lady said
Sep 22, 2016
The irony!
Having a tantrum about being treated like a child!
Iamhere said
Sep 22, 2016
Good news that she went CH - sending support through prayers and positive thoughts to you all.....she's in a safe place and she's immersed in recovery - rest easy for now!!
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 22, 2016
She called me today. Said the place was dirty, the people were dirty, they treat her like a prisoner, they took her meds away and make her stand in line for them, etc. She again told me she would never speak to me again.
My BIL said the place wasn't great. I don't know what that means but I suspect it's definitely a relative thing since they have money and are comparing it to the really nice places. The reviews were good and the people said it was expensive so it can't be so bad. He wanted to send her to a place in Texas hill country which looked really nice but she wanted to stay in Houston so we found the nicest place we could which took their insurance. I'm sure the place is fine but my BIL said he would forgo the $3k deposit and take her directly from the Houston place to the hill country place if she waned but he wouldn't take her home.
Oh, well. We will see. Kind of feel bad that we may have chosen the wrong place but I'd bet it isn't that bad.,
Iamhere said
Sep 22, 2016
The classiness of the place is not what will help her get or stay sober. The content and treatment is the same. If it makes you feel better, I went from a lovely home in one of the top 10 counties in the USA to a prison/court sponsored treatment center. It was actually a converted condemned building and it was a hell-hole. Most of the 'clients' were in trouble with the law and delaying jail stays.
However, I was able to find others who truly were concerned about living. I was able to 'hang with the winners' and get the help I needed. So - don't worry about the place - culture shock was a wake-up call for me. It's better than jail - that's what I finally decided. It also sounds like your BIL set his first boundary - whether he knows it or not, he's done good too.
Work on you and trust the process. Her recovery is now in her hands...
I've shared a lot on here but I haven't really shared about my sister. She has had an alcohol abuse problem for at least 6 or 7 years. I haven't mentioned it because we don't live close and it has had very little impact on me personally.
Her husband has been really controlling. Despite that fact that he makes $400k or so, he has cut all her access to money. This may be so that he isn't enabling her but there is a controlling side as well. He often texts us nasty texts about my sister and blames us for not doing anything and he's turned the young daughters against her. However, when my other siblings have arranged things for rehab, he's balked so we're not sure if he really wants her to go.
Anyway, she called me last night and agreed that she needed to go to inpatient rehab. I know when my wife went they picked her up. If I tried to make the arrangements, what would the rehab center need from my sister? I would assume they need her to confirm to them that she wants to do this before they would start the process. I just think having someone show up at her door would be a great motivating factor assuming she has already agreed. I realize I can't make her go but I can make it easier on her if she really has made this decision.
She lives in Houston so I think we're looking at either Houston or Austin places. I haven't confirmed the insurance that they have so I need to get that info. Hopefully the BIL will at least cooperate by giving me that info.
Up to this point I've been staying away from this because I was dealing with enough on my own, and my siblings (who all live in Texas anyway) have been involved. I think now I can use my experience to try to help.
It is very kind that you want to point the way. May I suggest that you point the way. And then take your hands off. Put yourself back under that cute little Pixar Lamp. Stop doing for others what they can do for themselves.
Give the information. And then dive back in to your own recovery waters... reading our literature, adding more meetings to your schedule..... getting quiet and still, going for walks...
If I'm always asserting myself and "doing" ... I stop being "receptive." Focusing on others is an enormous distraction, preventing my own healing and recovery.... this is our "dis-ease" at work. Until I hit a bottom with it, my soul was begging for my own love and attention.
I tried working a two-step program too... admit my powerless over alcohol and then head right into service to others. It does not work, it only brought my life right back into unmanageability. It had to fail.
The steps are meant to be worked in order, it's a process and it takes time to digest. Before service to others, I need to be practicing the preceding steps first, particularly spiritual awareness with daily prayer and meditation... otherwise it's really me controlling and directing the show, not God.
I called my BIL. He is in a hotel with their two girls. I told him I didn't want to interfere but I thought that was a good move as I think my sister needs to see some consequences. He seems to be very cooperative and seemed happy that I had researched a couple of places.
I will not push it too far. Just want to support them and try to make it easier if she still feels the way she felt last night. I can't contact her today. My BIL said that means she's probably on the floor drunk. I would love to talk to her but I know I can't control what I can't control.
I think she's gotten really bad - much worse than my AW was. My dad was hospitalized with sepsis this last week and we tried for days to get a hold of her and she was not responsive. I think BIL told her but it didn't register. After 3 or so days she texted me about something else and when I told her she had no idea my dad was in the hospital. Not good if she is out of it for several days in a row.
((CH)) Positive thoughts and prayers for your sister and her family You might suggest that her husband search our alanon as well, as we all need support in dealing with the insanity of the disease.
I will suggest it at some point. I may have to edit this thread though.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you all. It's always encouraging when one reaches out for help!!! I wish you all well!
I understand. In this case I just pushed it because the time was right. My sister reached out to me and said she was ready to go so I felt a push and some logistical help would be beneficial.
One thing about this is that while I love her and want the best for her, I'm not as personally vested. I haven't been around to experience the impact of her alcoholism or to play any role whatsoever. I did feel a little obligation because unlike my two brothers, I haven't done any leg work on this because I was so engulfed in our own situation and because my sister reached out to me specifically.
My sister did take the first step and she called the facility that we recommended. I think my wife sharing her experience helped. They are validating insurance and she will be admitted in the next few days. She has told her daughters and said they were happy about it. Unfortunately she said it would be Wed or Thurs. Not sure if it generally takes that long but my sister did say she had to get her affairs in order. Hope it isn't just a delay tactic.
At this point all I can do is trust that she will go. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Btw, we were wrong about her condition today. She wasn't answering the phone (maybe avoiding the issue) but when I did get in touch with her she seemed very sober. My BIL stopped by and said the same.
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Sunday 18th of September 2016 07:53:33 PM
CH,
So proud of you helping your sister. It is easy to not deal with our loved ones when they aren't around, but good for you for helping her. Good luck and I will be praying for her.
I was thinking about this and you dont have to share this forum with anyone, in fact I dont tell anyone Im on here because this is anonymous and its for me. You could let your brother in law know about Alanon, the fellowship, the meetings, the help and support, the real face to face stuff. This forum is different, its not the actual alanon programme if you know what I mean.
I assess each scenario and pray for guidance in the moment. Seems to work best for me!
She did call later and we had a better conversation. She was still apprehensive and still complained about things but not nearly as confrontational. She kept saying she doesn't understand why she has to sleep there. (She wants to do outpatient but she's tried that before.) She is a private person so she doesn't want to sit in classes where they share.
I think this kind of goes along with the saying that you can't force someone into rehab who isn't ready. I hope if she does go she is able to do so with an open mind. I'd rather she not go if she is just going to be confrontational and likely leave early.
The thing is, the only reasons I got involved is because she told me on Saturday night that she wanted inpatient rehab and asked for our help, and my BIL has been begging me to get involved. I told him that if she isn't ready then he needs to set consequences. When he left with the girls for a few days that is what triggered my sister to contact me. I didn't suggest what consequences he needs to set as I am trying to stay out of their business. As my brother said, someone needs to get those girls out of that house because this is likely causing emotional harm to them. I never thought I would say that about my sister.
We're with you and you're doing well - keep it up!! For what it's worth, you and only you can define the boundary necessary for self-preservation.
((CH)) Thanks for the update -I agree, you did well!!! Her response sounds very familiar to me as I have experienced a similar response from my hubby when he entered his first rehab.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Agreed. I do think it is the disease talking although she's never been one to hold back words when she gets upset. She does have a problem where she thinks she is better than some people and that can hold her back although I'm hoping this experience changes her attitude towards that a little as well.
I can't say I've really dealt with much from her since I don't live close. I think it's her husband and especially children who have to deal with it. It's sort of like my dad. He became an alcoholic (and recovered) but since I wasn't close I never really saw it.
Anyway, the good news is that she went today! My BIL said she was apprehensive but not angry.
Having a tantrum about being treated like a child!
My BIL said the place wasn't great. I don't know what that means but I suspect it's definitely a relative thing since they have money and are comparing it to the really nice places. The reviews were good and the people said it was expensive so it can't be so bad. He wanted to send her to a place in Texas hill country which looked really nice but she wanted to stay in Houston so we found the nicest place we could which took their insurance. I'm sure the place is fine but my BIL said he would forgo the $3k deposit and take her directly from the Houston place to the hill country place if she waned but he wouldn't take her home.
Oh, well. We will see. Kind of feel bad that we may have chosen the wrong place but I'd bet it isn't that bad.,
However, I was able to find others who truly were concerned about living. I was able to 'hang with the winners' and get the help I needed. So - don't worry about the place - culture shock was a wake-up call for me. It's better than jail - that's what I finally decided. It also sounds like your BIL set his first boundary - whether he knows it or not, he's done good too.
Work on you and trust the process. Her recovery is now in her hands...