Thinking back it was a year ago today that my ex ABF got out of a treatment center (after 9 days - that's all he could afford to pay for) and met me and told me "I've had 3 people in the past week, my counselor and both my sponsors, tell me that in order to focus and be honest about my sobriety I have to end this affair". After 7 years together all it took was 3 people in 9 days to tell him to end things with me. I was devastated, in disbelief, complete shock and utterly heart-broken. I could barely move my legs to even get out of his truck and stand on my own two feet.
A year later (and watching him go through 4 more detoxes) I'm in the same boat because I allowed him to come back in my life and believed all his lies and words of love time and time again. But this time it's different. This time I'm smiling, feeling strong and am back in control of my life and my happiness. I made the decision earlier this week to change my phone number (thanks to the suggestion of a very good friend I met on this site) and the anxiety level and stress in my mind and body dropped significantly after just a couple of hours of doing this.
"Past behavior predicts future behavior" - I have no doubt he will eventually try to contact me again when he gets bored at home and lonely again but this time I will be unavailable to him. I am now in control. And it feels damn good!!!!
A song lyric that I keep singing to myself and playing over and over in my head is this - "well your therapist says it was all a mistake, a product of the prozac and your co-dependent ways, so whose your enabler these days...my give a damn's busted" -
I'm no longer his enabler - he can find someone else to pity him, tolerate him and his lies and enable his drinking because this little chickie is done with this rodeo!
-- Edited by jojo8466 on Sunday 18th of September 2016 09:27:29 AM
el-cee said
Sep 18, 2016
Good for you, it sounds as if your freeing yourself, I love 'when one door shuts another opens.'
Maybe you will be free now to be open for another relationship with someone who is free to give you his full self. I take it hes a married man and thats why the advice came from members of AA? It makes sense to me because it is an honest program and having an affair keeps him from being honest with his wife and himself so it would contradict his recovery journey. This must be hurtful for you though.
It could be that Alanon can offer you the opportunity to look within and look for the reasons you chose an alcoholic and a married one, becoming aware could help you on your way to being free to get yourself a full relationship.
Lyne said
Sep 18, 2016
One of the things I have learned in program is to treat myself with respect. I have to be kind to myself, stop beating myself up, and make decisions that allow me to feel good about myself. It sounds like you are trying this with yourself. Bravo, Lyne
jojo8466 said
Sep 18, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Good for you, it sounds as if your freeing yourself, I love 'when one door shuts another opens.'
Maybe you will be free now to be open for another relationship with someone who is free to give you his full self. I take it hes a married man and thats why the advice came from members of AA? It makes sense to me because it is an honest program and having an affair keeps him from being honest with his wife and himself so it would contradict his recovery journey. This must be hurtful for you though.
It could be that Alanon can offer you the opportunity to look within and look for the reasons you chose an alcoholic and a married one, becoming aware could help you on your way to being free to get yourself a full relationship.
I'm done with men for a very long while! LOL! I'm going to focus on myself and only on myself. And in case you haven't read my past posts I am married also.
In regards to being honest with his wife she knew about us - she didn't care - she told him "I don't care what you two are doing just don't be bringing it to the house" - him and his wife haven't been intimate for over 21 years now. Way before I ever entered the picture.
And I know my picker outer is broken - my mother was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me (slapped across the face many times by her and being told I was dumb, stupid and irresponsible and why can't you be like your sister and blah, blah, blah) - all of those "not being good enough" feelings that she caused on me (and yes I believe she caused me to feel that - as a child you don't have the mental capacity to not allow someone to make you feel a certain way) while I was being raised continued into my life so I settle for the first guy that bats his eyes my way and in every relationship I have ever been in I ended up with addicts.
So I'm just going to enjoy being alone - just me, myself and I - sounds heavenly to me!
jojo8466 said
Sep 18, 2016
Lyne wrote:
One of the things I have learned in program is to treat myself with respect. I have to be kind to myself, stop beating myself up, and make decisions that allow me to feel good about myself. It sounds like you are trying this with yourself. Bravo, Lyne
Thank you Lyne. I am trying to be kinder to myself but I am also going to never allow myself to forget how needy and craved for attention I was that I allowed myself to get into this mess in the first place! Lesson learned! Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. God I was that man's fool over and over and over again. And that is all my fault!
Thinking back it was a year ago today that my ex ABF got out of a treatment center (after 9 days - that's all he could afford to pay for) and met me and told me "I've had 3 people in the past week, my counselor and both my sponsors, tell me that in order to focus and be honest about my sobriety I have to end this affair". After 7 years together all it took was 3 people in 9 days to tell him to end things with me. I was devastated, in disbelief, complete shock and utterly heart-broken. I could barely move my legs to even get out of his truck and stand on my own two feet.
A year later (and watching him go through 4 more detoxes) I'm in the same boat because I allowed him to come back in my life and believed all his lies and words of love time and time again. But this time it's different. This time I'm smiling, feeling strong and am back in control of my life and my happiness. I made the decision earlier this week to change my phone number (thanks to the suggestion of a very good friend I met on this site) and the anxiety level and stress in my mind and body dropped significantly after just a couple of hours of doing this.
"Past behavior predicts future behavior" - I have no doubt he will eventually try to contact me again when he gets bored at home and lonely again but this time I will be unavailable to him. I am now in control. And it feels damn good!!!!
A song lyric that I keep singing to myself and playing over and over in my head is this - "well your therapist says it was all a mistake, a product of the prozac and your co-dependent ways, so whose your enabler these days...my give a damn's busted" -
I'm no longer his enabler - he can find someone else to pity him, tolerate him and his lies and enable his drinking because this little chickie is done with this rodeo!
-- Edited by jojo8466 on Sunday 18th of September 2016 09:27:29 AM
Maybe you will be free now to be open for another relationship with someone who is free to give you his full self. I take it hes a married man and thats why the advice came from members of AA? It makes sense to me because it is an honest program and having an affair keeps him from being honest with his wife and himself so it would contradict his recovery journey. This must be hurtful for you though.
It could be that Alanon can offer you the opportunity to look within and look for the reasons you chose an alcoholic and a married one, becoming aware could help you on your way to being free to get yourself a full relationship.
I'm done with men for a very long while! LOL! I'm going to focus on myself and only on myself. And in case you haven't read my past posts I am married also.
In regards to being honest with his wife she knew about us - she didn't care - she told him "I don't care what you two are doing just don't be bringing it to the house" - him and his wife haven't been intimate for over 21 years now. Way before I ever entered the picture.
And I know my picker outer is broken - my mother was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me (slapped across the face many times by her and being told I was dumb, stupid and irresponsible and why can't you be like your sister and blah, blah, blah) - all of those "not being good enough" feelings that she caused on me (and yes I believe she caused me to feel that - as a child you don't have the mental capacity to not allow someone to make you feel a certain way) while I was being raised continued into my life so I settle for the first guy that bats his eyes my way and in every relationship I have ever been in I ended up with addicts.
So I'm just going to enjoy being alone - just me, myself and I - sounds heavenly to me!
Thank you Lyne. I am trying to be kinder to myself but I am also going to never allow myself to forget how needy and craved for attention I was that I allowed myself to get into this mess in the first place! Lesson learned! Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. God I was that man's fool over and over and over again. And that is all my fault!