Trying to control had always been my response to fear, distrust, panic, feeling overwhelmed, and feelings of helplessness. I did not trust in the Higher Power, the universe or the process of life. Instead of trusting, I tried to control everything because I desperately wanted to feel more secure.
The moment I believed I had some leverage (his remorseful tail between his legs) I'd dictate to him what it was going to be like moving forward. It felt necessary to take control of this thing.
I remember so well the day we had a "good talk" and he agreed to cut back. I felt pleased and secure in the world again. I had the expectation it would never happen again.
But it did happen again. Of course it did. I hadn't yet accepted my powerlessness over his addiction. (My husband was powerless too.)
I let him know of my great disappointment and anger, reminding him of how he had agreed !!! But he looked at me like I was crazy. At that moment, I went crazy. I became a lunatic storming through the house like a tornado, throwing everything I could get my hands on. I threatened him (by the grace of God, I didn't do it) and I broke the kitchen window and put a hole in the wall.
The following days, I had to look at the damage caused by ME. I was forced to see the unmanageability of my own life. I realized I had become a person I did not want to be. And I became desperate for help. (My desperation would become a benefit.)
I finally began attending face to face meetings after someone from MIP told me where I could find a meeting that very day (she lived on the other side of the world... think God had a hand in this?? smile)
However, nothing seemed crazier than being told to do LESS when it sure seemed like I should be doing MORE. How could they expect me to take my hands off the alcoholic???
But they would ask me, "How has your way worked so far??" and I had to be honest, not well at all.
They invited me to let go of my sense of urgency, to get quiet and still ( my mindful walking practice began....) and try practicing something different, that was the key. They invited me to practice letting go and letting God... which required
TRUST.
I would slip every 5 minutes because my brain was conditioned by alcoholic negativity and it became clear there would be no drive-up window for this.
My sponsor suggested putting post-it notes with the word TRUST everywhere in the house... to re-mind my mind. TRUST the universe is unfolding as it should TRUST that God has something really good planned TRUST that God longs to supply my every need, including direction and guidance TRUST the twelve steps and the recovery process TRUST that everything will fall into place
And TRUST myself.... I have the intelligence within me to understand and the power to overcome. I will get to where I need to go say what I need to say do what I need to do know what I need to know. I don't need to have a plan and I don't need to control or schedule. God has the schedule and the plan and all I need to do is show up and do my best.
Calm actions are a perfect indicator that I am trusting God and I feel calm today. Al-Anon taught me that God is meant to be the source of REAL security. I'm going to keep coming back
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 16th of September 2016 10:47:48 AM
Iamhere said
Sep 16, 2016
Great share 2HP - powerful, honest and real. I appreciate your ESH - what a great MIP you are!! (((Hugs)))
KT2015 said
Sep 16, 2016
WOW! Thank you so much for your share. It was really powerful. I learned a lot from it. I remember how much I tried to control and reason with my AH and everyone and everything that didn't go MY way. My best friend (much to my horror now) says when someone she is dealing with is being difficult (eg a cashier not allowing her to return something) she channels me and says something that apparently I was known for saying....."that's not how this is going to go". I used to be proud of that phrase. I had the illusion that I could tell people "how it was going to go" and that it actually worked. It took me a long hard process to realize how powerless I actually was.
It also took me turning into something I didn't want to be and didn't recognize for me to hit bottom and seek help. I can identify with the temper tantrum. I appreciate you sharing that outburst because I had so many but pretended I had none. No one who knew me outside of my home would believe it but that rage was there. It still flares up from time to time.
I think I might need to put those sticky notes up too. Trust. hmmm I like that.
Thanks again.
milkwood said
Sep 16, 2016
Beautiful. Thank you.
Bethany66 said
Sep 16, 2016
Thank you so much for your share today 2HP. It really hit home with me today. Trust is something I too am working on. I started my "God Box" and have placed in that box a few of the things that I am learning to give to God and TRUST in his perfect will in my life. Your line about trusting yourself was good for me too. Letting things unfold as they will without forcing solutions (that don't work anyway) is my number one challenge. The funny part is, I am not good at imposing my will on others out loud. I do it in my head and others NEVER follow my will. This is a recipe for craziness if I ever saw one!!
Thanks to KT2015 as well for adding the portion about realizing we are turning in to something we didn't want to be. I realize I am denying my own truth about who I am and how I want to act, feel and treat others. I treat my AH with such contempt when he is drinking and I thought because he was drunk he didn't see it. But he sees it and he feels the disdain and that is not who I want to be.
Great ESP today. So much to learn. Thank goodness it is about Progress and not Perfection!
andromeda said
Sep 16, 2016
Such a wonderful share. It took me a long time to see just how crazy and unmanageable my own life had become. I, too, am so grateful to Al Anon and the members I see and know and am glad to call my friends in recovery!
e_i_m said
Sep 16, 2016
2HP, that's a beautiful sharing, thank you for your honesty and showing how you're working your program. Calm actions are indeed the sign of someone trusting their HP. Thank you!
hotrod said
Sep 16, 2016
Thank you 2HP Great ESH
Ann_M_Y said
Sep 16, 2016
2HP,
Thanks for the share. I also have been trying to control the situation. It is exhausting and has made me angry. I often scream and yell at him although I know it doesn't accomplish anything. I found this board last night and it has already brought me some sense of relief. I know there is a place to share and not worry about being judged because I feel real selfish sometimes. I feel guilty because I am making this about me and how it effects me and not my AH who has the problem.
Trying to control had always been my response to fear, distrust, panic, feeling overwhelmed, and feelings of helplessness. I did not trust in the Higher Power, the universe or the process of life. Instead of trusting, I tried to control everything because I desperately wanted to feel more secure.
The moment I believed I had some leverage (his remorseful tail between his legs) I'd dictate to him what it was going to be like moving forward. It felt necessary to take control of this thing.
I remember so well the day we had a "good talk" and he agreed to cut back. I felt pleased and secure in the world again. I had the expectation it would never happen again.
But it did happen again. Of course it did. I hadn't yet accepted my powerlessness over his addiction. (My husband was powerless too.)
I let him know of my great disappointment and anger, reminding him of how he had agreed !!! But he looked at me like I was crazy. At that moment, I went crazy. I became a lunatic storming through the house like a tornado, throwing everything I could get my hands on. I threatened him (by the grace of God, I didn't do it) and I broke the kitchen window and put a hole in the wall.
The following days, I had to look at the damage caused by ME. I was forced to see the unmanageability of my own life. I realized I had become a person I did not want to be. And I became desperate for help. (My desperation would become a benefit.)
I finally began attending face to face meetings after someone from MIP told me where I could find a meeting that very day (she lived on the other side of the world... think God had a hand in this?? smile)
However, nothing seemed crazier than being told to do LESS when it sure seemed like I should be doing MORE. How could they expect me to take my hands off the alcoholic???
But they would ask me, "How has your way worked so far??" and I had to be honest, not well at all.
They invited me to let go of my sense of urgency, to get quiet and still ( my mindful walking practice began....) and try practicing something different, that was the key. They invited me to practice letting go and letting God... which required
TRUST.
I would slip every 5 minutes because my brain was conditioned by alcoholic negativity and it became clear there would be no drive-up window for this.
My sponsor suggested putting post-it notes with the word TRUST everywhere in the house... to re-mind my mind. TRUST the universe is unfolding as it should TRUST that God has something really good planned TRUST that God longs to supply my every need, including direction and guidance TRUST the twelve steps and the recovery process TRUST that everything will fall into place
And TRUST myself.... I have the intelligence within me to understand and the power to overcome. I will get to where I need to go say what I need to say do what I need to do know what I need to know. I don't need to have a plan and I don't need to control or schedule. God has the schedule and the plan and all I need to do is show up and do my best.
Calm actions are a perfect indicator that I am trusting God and I feel calm today. Al-Anon taught me that God is meant to be the source of REAL security. I'm going to keep coming back
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 16th of September 2016 10:47:48 AM
It also took me turning into something I didn't want to be and didn't recognize for me to hit bottom and seek help. I can identify with the temper tantrum. I appreciate you sharing that outburst because I had so many but pretended I had none. No one who knew me outside of my home would believe it but that rage was there. It still flares up from time to time.
I think I might need to put those sticky notes up too. Trust. hmmm I like that.
Thanks again.
Thanks to KT2015 as well for adding the portion about realizing we are turning in to something we didn't want to be. I realize I am denying my own truth about who I am and how I want to act, feel and treat others. I treat my AH with such contempt when he is drinking and I thought because he was drunk he didn't see it. But he sees it and he feels the disdain and that is not who I want to be.
Great ESP today. So much to learn. Thank goodness it is about Progress and not Perfection!
2HP, that's a beautiful sharing, thank you for your honesty and showing how you're working your program. Calm actions are indeed the sign of someone trusting their HP. Thank you!
Thanks for the share. I also have been trying to control the situation. It is exhausting and has made me angry. I often scream and yell at him although I know it doesn't accomplish anything. I found this board last night and it has already brought me some sense of relief. I know there is a place to share and not worry about being judged because I feel real selfish sometimes. I feel guilty because I am making this about me and how it effects me and not my AH who has the problem.
-Ann