I made the decision to leave my ABF. I've come to terms with the fact that I've probably been headed this way for a while, ever since he got kicked out of school. But I stood by him and tried to make it work. But, I guess I began to resent the fact that I was trying to work two jobs and go back to school while he would just wallow in self pity. Both before and after he got kicked out of school. He rallied for the month and a half of a summer class, but then did nothing again until I made him get a job (I was, again, tired of going to work every day only to come home and find him wallowing or drinking or (most common) having just woken up. But now he's getting help (after he could see how much I resented him after the binge that was the breaking point (aka the point when I realized that the binges aren't an occasional thing but a 2-3 times a month thing). He's been saying how awful I am for giving up on him because of a health issue; that he'll suffer no heartbreak because he "did nothing wrong," he's "just sick." He also says that I'm super sick or something. And that I've always ignored him when he's been depressed or having panic attacks (I helped him through the last one, which he thanked me for but now claims I asked if he was okay and then went back to my Kindle (but I'm the one that lies and manipulates to control the situation apparently). He acts all self-righteous, like because he's Mr. Goody Two Shoes Give You Whatever You Want he's somehow absolved from name calling (apparently I only call myself a b***h, it has nothing to do with him saying "QUIT BEING A B!" or "YOU CAN BE SUCH A B***!" No, it's not that he gave me that complex.) Point is, I feel like he's dragging me down. And he's making me feel guilty and like an asshole about wanting to leave (or actually have him leave since he can afford his own place now). I am apparently a jerk for keeping the cat that is "his only friend in the world" (he can get the kitten he wants, the cat was a gift from MY BEST FRIEND'S MOM because she knew I WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM. Not ABF.) So, why do I feel like a horrible human? The worst human? Is it because he wants me to feel this way? Am I really a terrible person (even though he also tells me that I'm just the most wonderful, amazing, talented woman, and that clearly I'm insecure about how anyone could love me. But if I'm also so awful in his eyes, how can I bee so "wonderful")? Am I making the right call?
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 15th of September 2016 09:31:52 AM
hotrod said
Sep 15, 2016
Hi T In alanon we do not give advise but encourage each person to attend meetings so as to learn what is right for them. Alanon face to face meetings will help you to develop new tools so as to regain your self respect and self esteem. You are not alone.
2HP said
Sep 15, 2016
Hello, welcome! Based on my own experience, I am with Betty in recommending that you find Alanon meetings. The main reason is, I left one alcoholic relationship only to find myself in another because I didn't know what I was doing to invite it. It's a common story.
As long as I operate from my old conditioning and hold onto beliefs that this is what is familiar, or what I deserve... I will invite it again and again and the lessons required to understand myself better are before me. The choice is mine.
It looks like you are feeling guilty for taking care of yourself...? In the adult children rooms, I learned this is what people who grow up in dysfunctional homes do.. they feel guilty for taking care of themselves, like there's a voice in my head that says, "how dare you, what about us???! (probably mother, lol)
Today I know that guilt feelings are either earned or un-earned. I don't see how looking forward to a healthier relationship is a cause for any guilt, sweetie. But I'd advise you to study up on what healthy relationships look like, before you repeat the experience again (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 15th of September 2016 10:19:59 AM
Calm Lady said
Sep 15, 2016
Welcome. I also found the Al-anon program very helpful and life improver. I needed to work on changing myself so I would leave my current alcoholic, then be attracted to another. As has been my pattern all my life.
abbyal said
Sep 15, 2016
Please find f2f meetings for yourself , as you start to work this program you will know when the time is right to leave OR you will know it's okay to stay . No one can make that decission for you nor do they have the right too this is your life .. Louise
jitsuka said
Sep 15, 2016
Hope you are OK today.
Definitely get yourself to a face-to-face meeting, it will really help you with your situation and 'that you're not alone'. Plus give you some ideas on the way A's behave and their actions.
Iamhere said
Sep 15, 2016
I am also on the band-wagon of finding meetings and working the program. In recovery, I learned tons about me and what makes me tick, act, react, etc. Learning new skills and having new tools has helped me see a pattern (long-standing) of attracting the sickest person in the room. I had this never-ending need to fix others, which resulted in me never finding/making time to work on me. When they could not be fixed by me, I stood in anger and judgement of them after all 'I had done for them'.....I was the perfect picture of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
In Al-Anon, I learned I was not alone and there was help/hope if I wanted to be/act/react/respond differently. I also learned that if I wanted to keep having the same outcomes, I could continue the same behaviors. I learned that we are all human doing the best we can and others weren't always doing things 'to me' - it was always more about them than me.
Please find some meetings - recovery can be a life-changing experience if you go with an open mind. As far as your guy goes, the saying that if it's meant to be - it will be popped into the front of my brain. I always thought I had to rush through decisions --- big and small ones --- now I know that if I want/need time to make a good choice, that's perfectly OK. If I miss out, it wasn't meant to be.
I made the decision to leave my ABF. I've come to terms with the fact that I've probably been headed this way for a while, ever since he got kicked out of school. But I stood by him and tried to make it work. But, I guess I began to resent the fact that I was trying to work two jobs and go back to school while he would just wallow in self pity. Both before and after he got kicked out of school. He rallied for the month and a half of a summer class, but then did nothing again until I made him get a job (I was, again, tired of going to work every day only to come home and find him wallowing or drinking or (most common) having just woken up. But now he's getting help (after he could see how much I resented him after the binge that was the breaking point (aka the point when I realized that the binges aren't an occasional thing but a 2-3 times a month thing). He's been saying how awful I am for giving up on him because of a health issue; that he'll suffer no heartbreak because he "did nothing wrong," he's "just sick." He also says that I'm super sick or something. And that I've always ignored him when he's been depressed or having panic attacks (I helped him through the last one, which he thanked me for but now claims I asked if he was okay and then went back to my Kindle (but I'm the one that lies and manipulates to control the situation apparently). He acts all self-righteous, like because he's Mr. Goody Two Shoes Give You Whatever You Want he's somehow absolved from name calling (apparently I only call myself a b***h, it has nothing to do with him saying "QUIT BEING A B!" or "YOU CAN BE SUCH A B***!" No, it's not that he gave me that complex.) Point is, I feel like he's dragging me down. And he's making me feel guilty and like an asshole about wanting to leave (or actually have him leave since he can afford his own place now). I am apparently a jerk for keeping the cat that is "his only friend in the world" (he can get the kitten he wants, the cat was a gift from MY BEST FRIEND'S MOM because she knew I WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM. Not ABF.) So, why do I feel like a horrible human? The worst human? Is it because he wants me to feel this way? Am I really a terrible person (even though he also tells me that I'm just the most wonderful, amazing, talented woman, and that clearly I'm insecure about how anyone could love me. But if I'm also so awful in his eyes, how can I bee so "wonderful")? Am I making the right call?
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 15th of September 2016 09:31:52 AM
Hi T In alanon we do not give advise but encourage each person to attend meetings so as to learn what is right for them.
Alanon face to face meetings will help you to develop new tools so as to regain your self respect and self esteem. You are not alone.
Hello, welcome! Based on my own experience, I am with Betty in recommending that you find Alanon meetings. The main reason is, I left one alcoholic relationship only to find myself in another because I didn't know what I was doing to invite it. It's a common story.
As long as I operate from my old conditioning and hold onto beliefs that this is what is familiar, or what I deserve... I will invite it again and again and the lessons required to understand myself better are before me. The choice is mine.
It looks like you are feeling guilty for taking care of yourself...? In the adult children rooms, I learned this is what people who grow up in dysfunctional homes do.. they feel guilty for taking care of themselves, like there's a voice in my head that says, "how dare you, what about us???! (probably mother, lol)
Today I know that guilt feelings are either earned or un-earned. I don't see how looking forward to a healthier relationship is a cause for any guilt, sweetie. But I'd advise you to study up on what healthy relationships look like, before you repeat the experience again (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 15th of September 2016 10:19:59 AM
Please find f2f meetings for yourself , as you start to work this program you will know when the time is right to leave OR you will know it's okay to stay . No one can make that decission for you nor do they have the right too this is your life .. Louise
Definitely get yourself to a face-to-face meeting, it will really help you with your situation and 'that you're not alone'. Plus give you some ideas on the way A's behave and their actions.
In Al-Anon, I learned I was not alone and there was help/hope if I wanted to be/act/react/respond differently. I also learned that if I wanted to keep having the same outcomes, I could continue the same behaviors. I learned that we are all human doing the best we can and others weren't always doing things 'to me' - it was always more about them than me.
Please find some meetings - recovery can be a life-changing experience if you go with an open mind. As far as your guy goes, the saying that if it's meant to be - it will be popped into the front of my brain. I always thought I had to rush through decisions --- big and small ones --- now I know that if I want/need time to make a good choice, that's perfectly OK. If I miss out, it wasn't meant to be.
(((Hugs)))