Hi. My name is Hope. I have been an active AA member for 26 years now. Some of the people at our meetings often talk about "detach with love." My husband is still drinking and making my life miserable. I would love to hear your wisdom of experience, strength and hope of how to deal with him and his drinking and cheating.
Iamhere said
Sep 14, 2016
Nadia - the best ESH I can share is I was also sober in AA when 'the wheels fell off my bus'....going to Al-Anon meetings truly opened my eyes wider than my other recovery and I found peace, joy and true serenity by keeping an open mind and coming to realize I was as crazy as they were (qualifiers) - I just had huge denial and distractions.
In the Al-Anon program, we learn to keep the focus on ourselves. I did not get this for a while as I lived, breathed and existed for my AH and my 2 A Sons. Everything they did, said - I took it personally. I was obsessed with their actions, drinking, behaviors, choices, words, etc. because I had faulty expectations, faulty thinking and unrealistic ideas of what family, love and life should be. I wanted Normal Rockwell and it just doesn't exist....but I kept trying to change others to fit my wants and needs.
When I finally became convinced that I was powerless over my alcoholics and I and my life were unmanageable, I surrendered and began to work the program. I no longer allow their actions and words to change my space and joy....the program taught me how to detach with love. In order for me to figure this out, I had to understand who I truly was - and that took some time. I had argued, cried, screamed, yelled, sobbed, pleaded - you name it and was absolutely miserable. I did know I didn't want to be that any more but I truly did not know who I was, what I wanted nor what I needed.
A good sponsor led me to create boundaries and start focusing on me. I worked with her to set boundaries which helped with detaching. My detaching at first was with indifference and as I began to see those I love as sick people with a disease instead of crazy people making bad choices, I was able to truly let go of my anger, fear, resentments, etc. which helped change my indifference to love.
I can say that I still at times walk away and want to roll my eyes, but catch myself as often as possible and just pray instead. My emotions are no longer tied to the actions and words of others. They are mine, genuine when I stop to feel them and I've learned to stop reacting. I respond if it makes sense - and focus on my peace as my number one priority. I truly believe deep down that my God wants me happy, healthy and whole. Before Al-Anon, I focused on those three words - now I focus on my heart.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in Al-Anon...there are also some good topics here with comments on detachment. Use the search feature up towards the top! Might get a bit more insight there. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Sep 14, 2016
Welcome Hope I do hope that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. IAH's powerul ESH says it all so please do keep coming back
Hi. My name is Hope. I have been an active AA member for 26 years now. Some of the people at our meetings often talk about "detach with love." My husband is still drinking and making my life miserable. I would love to hear your wisdom of experience, strength and hope of how to deal with him and his drinking and cheating.
In the Al-Anon program, we learn to keep the focus on ourselves. I did not get this for a while as I lived, breathed and existed for my AH and my 2 A Sons. Everything they did, said - I took it personally. I was obsessed with their actions, drinking, behaviors, choices, words, etc. because I had faulty expectations, faulty thinking and unrealistic ideas of what family, love and life should be. I wanted Normal Rockwell and it just doesn't exist....but I kept trying to change others to fit my wants and needs.
When I finally became convinced that I was powerless over my alcoholics and I and my life were unmanageable, I surrendered and began to work the program. I no longer allow their actions and words to change my space and joy....the program taught me how to detach with love. In order for me to figure this out, I had to understand who I truly was - and that took some time. I had argued, cried, screamed, yelled, sobbed, pleaded - you name it and was absolutely miserable. I did know I didn't want to be that any more but I truly did not know who I was, what I wanted nor what I needed.
A good sponsor led me to create boundaries and start focusing on me. I worked with her to set boundaries which helped with detaching. My detaching at first was with indifference and as I began to see those I love as sick people with a disease instead of crazy people making bad choices, I was able to truly let go of my anger, fear, resentments, etc. which helped change my indifference to love.
I can say that I still at times walk away and want to roll my eyes, but catch myself as often as possible and just pray instead. My emotions are no longer tied to the actions and words of others. They are mine, genuine when I stop to feel them and I've learned to stop reacting. I respond if it makes sense - and focus on my peace as my number one priority. I truly believe deep down that my God wants me happy, healthy and whole. Before Al-Anon, I focused on those three words - now I focus on my heart.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in Al-Anon...there are also some good topics here with comments on detachment. Use the search feature up towards the top! Might get a bit more insight there. (((Hugs)))