My alcoholic partner seems to also have a sex addiction. When he's drinking he wants sex all the time. In conversation with anyone he starts talking about it, even when its completely inappropriate. People get embarrassed and uncomfortable. Its very awkward.
When he's sober he has very little interest in it.
Curious if anyone else has had similar experience, with an alcoholic?
KT2015 said
Sep 14, 2016
I don't know if I would go so far to assume my AH has a sex addiction but I would say that he is much more interested in having sex when he's drunk. He is less inhibited when he's drunk too so he can make some inappropriate comments when he's drunk. I believe my AH drinks to deal with any area in his life he is not confident about. That whole liquid courage concept you hear so much about. Suddenly when he's been drinking he feels better about himself in that area of his life so he goes for it so to speak. The sad part about it from my perspective is I find his drinking a real turn off so I am not attracted when he has been drinking. in my relationship I have found it helpful to talk to my AH about our sex life and about comments and behavior that bothers me. I discuss these things with him in a non judgemental way at a time I feel he is sober and able to have a conversation about it. I make it an open dialogue so we both can discuss what is going on. And I set boundaries for myself so that I don't find myself in a situation I don't like. wishing you all the best in this area I know it can be difficult.
Calm Lady said
Sep 14, 2016
Love making between one drunk partner and one sober partner. Yuck.
Emma123 said
Sep 14, 2016
Thanks for sharing your experience KT2015. What you write makes sense. The drinking is a massive turn off for me too. Guess I got to work on boundaries.
Yes, Calm Lady it is yucky!
jitsuka said
Sep 14, 2016
My A partner used to try and instigate things, but it was in a clumsy manner. I really hated it and it was quite frankly offputting. It felt 'offensive' to me. Now we don't have a physical relationship, not had sex in over a year, probably a year and a half now. I don't really feel attracted to my A at all. It's a rather depressing existence mostly.
Calm Lady said
Sep 14, 2016
jitsuka wrote:
My A partner used to try and instigate things, but it was in a clumsy manner. I really hated it and it was quite frankly offputting. It felt 'offensive' to me. Now we don't have a physical relationship, not had sex in over a year, probably a year and a half now. I don't really feel attracted to my A at all. It's a rather depressing existence mostly.
Thank you for sharing this. I find it offensive too. It is one of my boundaries.
Sex with a drunk is all about them. Doing everything possible for them to reach their satisfaction.
Emma, my experience was that in the states of intoxication, there was a stage of AH becoming sexual but usually as he carried on drinking, it passed. There seems to be stages in drinking.
Happy, relaxed, talks a lot, sexual, sloppy and so on. Ends with passing out.
Sorry you have this to deal with.
Jerry F said
Sep 15, 2016
Alcohol use reduces inhibitions, relaxes defenses and causes this to happen quite often. Infidelity and alcoholism and drug addiction is widely known and quite often resistance melts away in those who would not normally consider it. Alcohol is a sedative and depressant. It is alters mind and mood; it causes so much havoc. My own marriage to the alcoholic and addict wife I was married to started and end this way. Thank God for program. (((hugs)))
Emma123 said
Sep 15, 2016
I think that's the problem too jitsuka, I don't feel attracted to ah at all now and I dont want intimacy any more. Thanks for sharing.
Yes jerry, I guess it is common in alcoholics. Thanking God for the program too.
Everyday ah tries to convince me I'm gay. I suppose he's reached this conclusion because I'm not attracted to him. Plus he'd like to see 2 women together. Its kind of ridiculous being told I'm a lesbian everyday when I'm definitely not one. My heads feels like exploding. He's very rarely sober so there are few opportunities to talk to him. When he's sober he always too sick and irritable to talk.
el-cee said
Sep 15, 2016
Its always a good topic, sex and alcoholism. Its a cold business driven by self gratification and the same need to not feel and think. Sex only happened for us when he was drunk, he didn't have the confidence or other things that are needed for real intimacy so sex was never intimate really and I ended up feeling like an object. I stopped having sex when he was drunk so it kind of stopped altogether eventually. I want intimacy in my life so I have it now but not sure its possible with an active drinker.
KT2015 said
Sep 15, 2016
Emma- I think you had a very good insight by saying "I suppose he's reached this conclusion because I'm not attracted to him." I had the same thought when I read that he is challenging your sexual orientation. I imagine it is easier for him to make those statements about your sexuality than to face the fact that he isn't desirable to you. When my AH makes ridiculous comments about me of any kind (especially the kind where he is telling me what or who I am) I just dismiss them. If I argue about them with him then it just takes the focus off of the reality of the situation. I'm sorry to hear there are few opportunities to talk to him. I know how lonely and frustrating I find it when I can't communicate and our sex life is non existent and on top of that my AH is accusing me of being the one not interested or willing. When I was finally able to tell him that his drinking was turning me off he stopped complaining about me. I know it's not an easy thing to do.
a4l said
Sep 15, 2016
Drunk sex is not pleasant. For a brief period I didn't mind it, because there was actually a time I didn't differentiate between not drunk loved one and drunk loved one. I can't believe that now. I really believed the two were the same guy. Drunk sex lacks true intimacy. That's what I dislike about it. Obsession isn't always addiction, addiction is always sickness and sickness can be obsessive.
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 15, 2016
Calm Lady wrote:
Love making between one drunk partner and one sober partner. Yuck.
Agreed. My wife wasn't very attractive when she was really drunk. I would usually go along because that was the only opportunity I was going to get and because she couldn't handle rejection but I would occasionally reject her if she was too gone.
It is funny how she can reject sex all the time but if I dared to do so it's viewed as a slap in the face. I think that is just a part of life though (alcoholism aside).
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Thursday 15th of September 2016 08:59:59 AM
Emma123 said
Sep 15, 2016
Thanks all, I appreciate the replies.
He received therapy for the sex addiction years ago, before we met. I think I need to work towards separating from him. It seems pointless staying in a loveless relationship. I have been so patient but there are no signs of improvement.
jitsuka said
Sep 15, 2016
Emma123 wrote:
Thanks all, I appreciate the replies.
He received therapy for the sex addiction years ago, before we met. I think I need to work towards separating from him. It seems pointless staying in a loveless relationship. I have been so patient but there are no signs of improvement.
Sometimes that's the way it goes. An addict, be it alcohol or anything else can't see others point of view, it's all self, self, self.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy (well, enjoyed) sex. I miss it. I miss a lot of things - simply holding hands. Human company. Feeling emotionally with someone rather than an emotionally unavailable alcoholic. Feeling attracted to your partner. I don't now, my partner's drinking is affecting her other aspects of life - activity, diet, eating. When someone puts on weight, doesnt' look after themselves you don't feel attractive to them. Also, drinking every single night tends to be offputting. Not being able to have a conversation of any sense means you just end up no your own company. I'm stuck with my A as we have a child and she's quite young. If we didn't have a child I would have walked years ago, instead I'm stuck in this soul destroying 'relationship' which is more akin to lodgers.
CEH said
Sep 15, 2016
I understand and agree with most everything said here. My problem is ever since my husband became sober I want to have sex with him and he doesn't want to have sex with me. I am not making other excuses for him. I am hurt and believe he just isn't attracted to me. I don't think I am a sex addict, but there is absolutely no way I can go a year without sex. How does one do that? I have read where people have gone 10 years. I have to say and have said that would be a deal breaker for me.
-- Edited by CEH on Thursday 15th of September 2016 07:54:09 PM
Iamhere said
Sep 15, 2016
CEH - as with all things in recovery, one day at a time. If he's not ready for sober sex, he's not ready. Wanting what we want when we want it is part of the way the disease works on us. When I am not aligned with my qualifiers, I truly need to step backwards and determine my own needs, wants, etc. - but just for today. Not wanting to have sex today doesn't mean for a year - it just means for today.
My disease told me constantly that how things were is how it would always be. I had to really stop that kind of thinking as each moment of each day is truly different. The change begins from within. It's perfectly natural to want to have sex with your husband. There's nothing wrong with the want - the assuming it will be a year is projecting and that's what is driving your fear. Not the lack of sex for today but the fear that it will always be.....take what you like and leave the rest - I don't process well at night - so my point is try to stay present and not beyond that moment - just as with all things in Al-Anon.
CEH said
Sep 15, 2016
Iamhere,
I understand
Thank you,
Emma123 said
Sep 16, 2016
Jitsuka it must surely be harder to separate when there's a child involved. Can relate to what you wrote. I miss human company too. Having a normal conversation. Going for a walk together. We rarely go out in public together now. Its actually a very lonely relationship.
Emma123 said
Sep 16, 2016
When my partner was sober for a few months he has no interest in sex either CEH. I think how you feel is understandable.
hotrod said
Sep 16, 2016
When my hubby attained sobriety ,I found talking about it and stressing the importance to me helped. We agreed to set aside time each week to connect intimately-- and it worked well. I did need to sacrifice spontaneity for a time but it was worth it.
Talking things over , reasoning things out works well on this subject as well.
jitsuka said
Sep 17, 2016
Emma123 wrote:
Jitsuka it must surely be harder to separate when there's a child involved. Can relate to what you wrote. I miss human company too. Having a normal conversation. Going for a walk together. We rarely go out in public together now. Its actually a very lonely relationship.
it is. I'm divorced with an older daughter and that was a world of pain I went through (family court, false accusations etc) . That very, very nearly broke me completely psychologically, emotionally and financially. I do believe my ex is an A too with narcissistic personality disorder.
Which is all the more ironic that my partner is an A. Although a secret A which I only found out a few years ago.
Do we attract such personalities? are we attracted to the 'dangerous ' side such personalities exhibit.
Anyway, yeah, it's crap. I feel very down about myself and relationship. outward I may seem happy, physically fit, groomed, active. inside I'm just a heap of unhappiness, insecurity, feeling awful. and actually on edge a lot of the time ... is she going to kick off when drinking. dare I say anything incase the A turns and becomes abusive . I feel resentful.
My A suggested in the past that we go to marriage / couple counselling. I agreed, but I'm thinking what's the point. IT'S THE DRINKING STOOPID.
It's another form of denial and avoidance, no point unless she addresses drinking and does something proactively
Emma123 said
Sep 17, 2016
I'm very sorry your situation is so tough jitsuka. And that you already went through a difficult divorce. Do you find Al Anon helpful? I was surprised at first f2f meeting to meet people dealing with same problems as me. It seemed to help a bit.
jitsuka said
Sep 17, 2016
I've not been to a f2f meeting for ages, I need to get back into the program I believe. It's tricky attending meetings as I work full time, during the week I have a sports commitment 1 day a week and then there are kids after school activities (tennis, brownies ) which take priority ... it's tricky as I said. Need to get there though.
Mind you, there's a new one opened up very close to work that I could make on a lunchtime . It's a bit intense as it's in a small room and I have a thing about crowds / crowding with people.
F2f meetings are good ... i just felt them really emotionally tasking. I'd well up with tears just entering the room. I think it's a place of deep emotional understanding that becomes overwhelming
My alcoholic partner seems to also have a sex addiction. When he's drinking he wants sex all the time. In conversation with anyone he starts talking about it, even when its completely inappropriate. People get embarrassed and uncomfortable. Its very awkward.
When he's sober he has very little interest in it.
Curious if anyone else has had similar experience, with an alcoholic?
Yes, Calm Lady it is yucky!
Thank you for sharing this. I find it offensive too. It is one of my boundaries.
Sex with a drunk is all about them. Doing everything possible for them to reach their satisfaction.
Emma, my experience was that in the states of intoxication, there was a stage of AH becoming sexual but usually as he carried on drinking, it passed. There seems to be stages in drinking.
Happy, relaxed, talks a lot, sexual, sloppy and so on. Ends with passing out.
Sorry you have this to deal with.
Alcohol use reduces inhibitions, relaxes defenses and causes this to happen quite often. Infidelity and alcoholism and drug addiction is widely known and quite often resistance melts away in those who would not normally consider it. Alcohol is a sedative and depressant. It is alters mind and mood; it causes so much havoc. My own marriage to the alcoholic and addict wife I was married to started and end this way. Thank God for program. (((hugs)))
Yes jerry, I guess it is common in alcoholics. Thanking God for the program too.
Everyday ah tries to convince me I'm gay. I suppose he's reached this conclusion because I'm not attracted to him. Plus he'd like to see 2 women together. Its kind of ridiculous being told I'm a lesbian everyday when I'm definitely not one. My heads feels like exploding. He's very rarely sober so there are few opportunities to talk to him. When he's sober he always too sick and irritable to talk.
Its always a good topic, sex and alcoholism. Its a cold business driven by self gratification and the same need to not feel and think. Sex only happened for us when he was drunk, he didn't have the confidence or other things that are needed for real intimacy so sex was never intimate really and I ended up feeling like an object. I stopped having sex when he was drunk so it kind of stopped altogether eventually. I want intimacy in my life so I have it now but not sure its possible with an active drinker.
Agreed. My wife wasn't very attractive when she was really drunk. I would usually go along because that was the only opportunity I was going to get and because she couldn't handle rejection but I would occasionally reject her if she was too gone.
It is funny how she can reject sex all the time but if I dared to do so it's viewed as a slap in the face. I think that is just a part of life though (alcoholism aside).
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Thursday 15th of September 2016 08:59:59 AM
He received therapy for the sex addiction years ago, before we met. I think I need to work towards separating from him. It seems pointless staying in a loveless relationship. I have been so patient but there are no signs of improvement.
Sometimes that's the way it goes. An addict, be it alcohol or anything else can't see others point of view, it's all self, self, self.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy (well, enjoyed) sex. I miss it. I miss a lot of things - simply holding hands. Human company. Feeling emotionally with someone rather than an emotionally unavailable alcoholic. Feeling attracted to your partner. I don't now, my partner's drinking is affecting her other aspects of life - activity, diet, eating. When someone puts on weight, doesnt' look after themselves you don't feel attractive to them. Also, drinking every single night tends to be offputting. Not being able to have a conversation of any sense means you just end up no your own company. I'm stuck with my A as we have a child and she's quite young. If we didn't have a child I would have walked years ago, instead I'm stuck in this soul destroying 'relationship' which is more akin to lodgers.
I understand and agree with most everything said here. My problem is ever since my husband became sober I want to have sex with him and he doesn't want to have sex with me. I am not making other excuses for him. I am hurt and believe he just isn't attracted to me. I don't think I am a sex addict, but there is absolutely no way I can go a year without sex. How does one do that? I have read where people have gone 10 years. I have to say and have said that would be a deal breaker for me.
-- Edited by CEH on Thursday 15th of September 2016 07:54:09 PM
My disease told me constantly that how things were is how it would always be. I had to really stop that kind of thinking as each moment of each day is truly different. The change begins from within. It's perfectly natural to want to have sex with your husband. There's nothing wrong with the want - the assuming it will be a year is projecting and that's what is driving your fear. Not the lack of sex for today but the fear that it will always be.....take what you like and leave the rest - I don't process well at night - so my point is try to stay present and not beyond that moment - just as with all things in Al-Anon.
Talking things over , reasoning things out works well on this subject as well.
it is. I'm divorced with an older daughter and that was a world of pain I went through (family court, false accusations etc) . That very, very nearly broke me completely psychologically, emotionally and financially. I do believe my ex is an A too with narcissistic personality disorder.
Which is all the more ironic that my partner is an A. Although a secret A which I only found out a few years ago.
Do we attract such personalities? are we attracted to the 'dangerous ' side such personalities exhibit.
Anyway, yeah, it's crap. I feel very down about myself and relationship. outward I may seem happy, physically fit, groomed, active. inside I'm just a heap of unhappiness, insecurity, feeling awful. and actually on edge a lot of the time ... is she going to kick off when drinking. dare I say anything incase the A turns and becomes abusive . I feel resentful.
My A suggested in the past that we go to marriage / couple counselling. I agreed, but I'm thinking what's the point. IT'S THE DRINKING STOOPID.
It's another form of denial and avoidance, no point unless she addresses drinking and does something proactively