I was fortunate to finally separate myself from an alcoholic after six years. I became his live-in caregiver having no other options at the time, but as time went on I gained options, ironically because of his own forceful manipulation and pressure on me. He wanted me to get an outside job while also being his caregiver so he'd have more money to drink on, and so he could come after me for money to drink on as well, which he promptly did. I got a job that required I work very long hours, 18-22 hour shifts, so I could not be there for him enough to suit him.

He pressed me to find a job more in accordance with his agenda, that being waited on hand and foot so he'd never have to get out of his chair for anything but to go to a bar, as he had done since I came to live with him, but I would not. This job is the best I've had in 15 years and I'm not giving it up. So, he went into assisted living, where he could be waited on all the time and have his car to get to his bars with.

He kept my phone on his family plan and would not let me take it off, and he kept the power and internet bill here in his name too, so he'd have leverage over me. He would not put in a change of address either, and insisted I deliver his mail to him there at his facility. I'm not doing that anymore.

Well he didn't go over big there in assisted living. They took his car away from him because he came back from his bars drunk with new dents in it all the time. Then he calls me up wanting me to be his free taxi to his bars on top of working 18-22 hour shifts! No dice!

Then his insurance company cut him off so he could not stay there anymore, and he of course called me up wanting to come back and live with me again. Horrors!

I was NOT going back to that, and emailed him saying so in no uncertain terms. Then I blocked his phone number from calling me, but even so he can still leave me voicemails, and I just delete them without listening to them. I'm not letting him get at me again, he's just out to manipulate me any way he possibly can and get back in here so he can be enabled and supported as an alcoholic again. The ONLY thing that matters to him is being in his bars and he will do anything pursuant to that agenda! I know him, he will NEVER give up trying to get at me for this!

I finally have a place of my own to myself that I can afford, something I've yearned to have for years, and I'm not letting him back in here. He tried to call me numerous times each day since, not leaving voicemail until today. I deleted that without listening to it.

He finally emailed me, saying how much he cares about me and considers me his adopted daughter. He's used that all along to manipulate me, and I knew that's what it was, but now I'm in a position to shut it down at last. And BTW, the reason he was after me to come live with him in the first place was that he wanted a girlfriend his daughter's age! Adopted daughter indeed!

In his email he wants me to unblock his phone, of course, so he can get at me and try to manipulate me again, and it's not going to happen. I'm not even going to respond to his email. He had to go live with his daughter, and he hates that because it's not close to the bars, and she won't drive him around to them, which is why he wanted to move back in with me. It's close to his bars. He talked about getting an electric wheelchair to get to his bars in, but I know how that would go and he'd be at me endlessly to drive him instead and after me for money to drink on as well.

I know how he is when he wants something from me, he will NEVER get off my back until he gets what he wants, he is absolutely relentless! He will NEVER EVER give up until he gets his way. So I've cut off all contact with him. I'm never going to be manipulated into enabling him again! Now I suppose he will try to get his family members to contact me and work on me to let him back in here. Not going to happen! I will block their phones too.

I'm done with him, and his dysfunctional family as well. I doubt his son will press me on his behalf, his kids never bothered contacting me about anything before, but his daughter might try to offload him on me again, which isn't going to happen. I waited on her alcoholic dad for 6 years, now it's HER turn!

The only way I can see to deal with him realistically is to totally cut him out of my life allowing him no further contact with me, and never responding to his attempts to get at me again. He's a forcefully manipulative alcoholic with a bad temper and is endlessly persistent. I'm not allowing him back into my life in any measure at all. As soon as my social security kicks in next month I'm getting a new phone he does not have the number to, putting the power bill and the internet in my name, and getting a new email address he doesn't have. He's not on the lease here anymore, so I should be able to show that to the power company and get his name off it. It will cost me a big deposit to get the power in my name, but it's worth it.

He did his best to keep his hooks into me, but it's not going to serve him to do that. I'm determined to be finally rid of him.

-- Edited by MVaslovik on Wednesday 14th of September 2016 11:23:44 AM

Martina ...Aloha and I pray for your determination that has brought you out of slavery with the alcoholic, what a horrible story up until the time you started making changes in yourself.  I also was horrified to learn it wasn't about them only me.  If I didn't change my thoughts, feelings and behaviors I will duplicate them with others.  Keep coming back.    ((((hugs))))

Thank you so very much Jerry! The support is greatly appreciated. I'm not completely free of him yet, it's going to take time, determination, and money but my resolve is set in stone. I cannot allow that man back into my life! I've come to the conclusion that there is no helping him in any way he will not exploit to further his drinking and keep me under his thumb. In the near future the financial leverage he's taken pains to maintain over me will be gone. I do not feel guilty about this at all. His situation is the result of his own choices in life and of his drinking. NOT my problem! I need to do what is in my own best interest, and at this point that means getting him out of my life completely. I know he will come after me relentlessly with everything he has, but I did not just fall off the turnip truck, and I've had to remove toxic people from my life in the past. There are only so many ways he can get at me, and I'll just eliminate those one by one.

I hear echo's of my own journey there with the understanding that a great deal of my pain went away as I self focused and put my alcoholic/addict wife in my prayers only.  Amazingly my Higher Power used my wife's own entry into her own recovery to teach me a deeper understanding of humility.  HP works in surprising and mysterious ways at time as I stay open to it.  Keep coming back...this works when we work it.   (((hugs)))

One of the insights I had about Higher Powers was that my alcoholic/addict had unknowingly and against my own will, become my Higher Power...

The whole reason I ended up with him in the first place was that I was in a horrific situation in rural Alabama, living in abject poverty and beset on all sides by evil and monstrous people. I could not step out of my little 20 ft. trailer without a .45 under my shirt, and I had to draw it twice to keep from being raped. I kept military battle rifles as well along with several thousand rounds of ammuntion and they served me well there.

I did, however, have an internet connection as a lifeline. This man, Doug, came at me out of the blue over that. He had been a high school buddy of my father, and in one of his contacts with my father found out my dad had a daughter in Alabama, and he aggressively pressed my dad for my email address wanting to come after me for a sexual relationship. I made it clear to him that I didn't want such a relationship in email. As things progressed my situation grew progressively worse as the monsters closed in and Doug became the only way out. Trading one monster for a bunch of other monsters I suppose, but he was a more easily managed monster.

By the time I escaped from Alabama I looked like a holocaust survivor, albeit a heavily armed one. It was very very bad there.

When I arrived in Florida he made a play for me instantly, and was instantly rebuffed. (he would not have survived it anyway) As it turned out he needed a caregiver much more than he needed a girlfriend, so that became my role in his household. I filled that role well in the coming years, and it transpired that Doug was an alcoholic with a bad temper when he didn't get what he wanted. He had financial dominance of course and could dictate my life to me until I could find work that paid enough for me to become independent, which was not until a year and a half ago.I still needed to see what my role in his life had really become.

I had to change to get myself out of this. I had to learn to stop being his servant and enabler, and to see him clearly for what he really was, and realize he'd made me his slave. He recently tried to guilt trip me into continuing to enable him saying he'd rescued me from that horrific situation in Alabama, but of course the only reason he did it was in hopes of sex with a younger woman, and that didn't wash with me at all. He was always an alcoholic skirt chasing loser, and lost his marriage because of that. I learned that his own wife set him up for the affair that she divorced him for. Clever girl that one.

Once I had a job making good money at last I finally began to see him for what he really was. He was after me for my money, demanding to know what I made after each shift, demanding money from me, drinking it up and demanding more. He would go into my purse while I was sleeping and steal it. He regarded my money that I worked 18-22 hour shifts for as his money.This while he sat in his chair being waited on hand and foot daily not getting up for anything but to go to his bars!

Once he moved out because I could not be there enough for him everything changed. I finally had a place of my own to myself, and I loved it so very dearly! No more jumping up to serve him and enable him, no more emptying his urine jugs for him, having his coffee in front of him as soon as he was up, no more getting things in his room for him so he didn't have to get out of his chair, no more of him demanding to know every bit of my business and getting nasty with me if I didn't tell him. This was MY space now, that I paid for, and I treasured it! I could at last live as I wanted in my own home. That's when he lost his leverage.

I love the irony that it was all because he harassed me into getting the job I ended up in so he could get drinking money out of me! He made his own bed with that one! The long hours I worked got him out of my home and were totally worth it! I came to be very well regarded in my job and have done very well in it. I have a confidence and self-respect I sorely lacked when I first came to live with him, and now I see him for what he really is. It's time to move on in life without him.

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Thank you hotrod! I so appreciate the support! I don't have people I can talk to about this at all, which is why I registered on this forum. It's a pretty ugly story few people are up for hearing. I'm a rather self-contained person on the whole, having had to re-invent myself several times over in life, and I keep pretty much to myself but for a couple of friends at work. I'm not sure I could fit into an Al-Anon group at all, groups and I don't mix very well. Long and sad experience in life has shown me that in any group there will always be those looking to use me in quite nasty ways. While this does leave me socially isolated I've arrived at the conclusion that this is the the safest course in what society has become. It's not a nice society anymore, not at all. I've learned to be happy with my own company and be vigilant.

There was a time when I could easily stumble into friendships. That time is many years past. Anymore it's about watching my back and guarding my boundaries.

I do hear you and am sorry that you have endured such pain.

I would like to suggest that you try our on line meetings here. Anonymity is maintained as it is in face to face meetings.

No one will know your last name or where you live or what you do. We meet in order to develop new tools to live by and since we have all been burned in alcoholic relationships we respect each others privacy as we live by the Traditions and principles outlined for each group .   You need not speak at the meeting and by simply showing up  you will find the help.

We all need the support and understanding of like minded others, so please give the on line meetings a try

I shall consider it Betty.

Great  On line meeting schedule 

Thank you for sharing your story and I am also impressed with your strength and determination to protect yourself from the effects of this disease. I also think any contact in a way can be enabling. Its a cunning and baffling disease and yes it looks for a way to continue and keep the disease going. You have decided you wont take part in any of it anymore and that's amazing awareness.

I would recommend Alanon for a few reasons. The reasons within you for being with an alcoholic in the first place may be still within you, could be the need to fix, control, give up responsibility for your own life etc and recovery could help you see the motives and remove them to a certain extent. I found out through working on my self that I was affected by alcoholism my whole life and I inevitably unconsciously sought out an alcoholic to play out the role that I was comfortable with and I found it was mainly a very low self esteem and self worth that drove me along with immaturity. To gain awareness of this removed much of the power it had over me and I have built myself up and have self esteem and self worth now through the spiritual recovery program. Best of luck to you.

Just got up after another 22 hour shift and checked back here. I am so very grateful for the posts of support from all of you! He is still sending me emails and trying to call me, but it doesn't ring through and all he can do is leave voicemails that I delete without listening to them. I just deleted another of his emails without reading it. Right after that I called the electric company and had the power put in my name denying him that leverage over me. Next is the internet connection, and new service in my name will get me a new email address he will not have, and finally a new phone not on his family plan that he will not get the number to.

I am not going to read, or listen to any of his attempts to contact me, they will only be his efforts to manipulate me and get back in here so he can be close to his bars, and be waited on hand and foot, which is all he really cares about. He tried to tell me how very much he cares about me, but I know what it is he really cares about, and it isn't me.

Business is picking up at work with the end of summer and the return of season here and I did very well yesterday, booking over $400 for the day. How deliciously ironic that this is the job he himself harassed me into getting so he could have more drinking money! It's only going to get better from here on and soon he will have no financial leverage over me or any way to contact me. It's been a while since I've had to remove someone toxic from my life, and I'd forgotten how rewarding (and fun) it can be :)

el-cee wrote:

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I would recommend Alanon for a few reasons. The reasons within you for being with an alcoholic in the first place may be still within you, could be the need to fix, control, give up responsibility for your own life etc and recovery could help you see the motives and remove them to a certain extent. I found out through working on my self that I was affected by alcoholism my whole life and I inevitably unconsciously sought out an alcoholic to play out the role that I was comfortable with and I found it was mainly a very low self esteem and self worth that drove me along with immaturity. To gain awareness of this removed much of the power it had over me and I have built myself up and have self esteem and self worth now through the spiritual recovery program. Best of luck to you.

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Hey el-cee,

Thank you for that and there is indeed wisdom in what you say. It makes a great deal of sense but in fact I only came to live with him in the first place because I had nowhere else to go from a desperate situation I most likely would not have survived. Any port in a storm I guess. The first thing he did when I arrived here was hit on me, which got him nowhere, and the second thing was insist on taking me to one of his favorite bars. Oh Gawd! I hate bars! They are the number one place to meet obnoxious and dysfunctional people! While I'm not a teetotaller I cannot even remotely approach his level of drinking, it's just physically impossible for me. If I can get through a second glass that's it.

Al-Anon does have an appeal for me though, because I really have very little social life. I've had to socially isolate myself over the years just to protect myself from the social predators coming after me. Most of those where men, but there were very evil women as well. Back in California they completely destroyed my life with malice I never before thought possible. They came after me again in Texas, Michigan, and Alabama. Then here too. I've had to become a very self-contained person. I'd rather not have to be. It would be so wonderful to have just one good friend I could do things with, share things with, have meaningful and intelligent conversations with. Someone I could actually trust. I've not had that in many years.

If there's anything I'd like help figuring out about myself it's what is it about me that brings the predators after me. Why do they think I'm someone to target-aquire on? They just keep coming after me everywhere I go and I just cannot understand it.

-- Edited by MVaslovik on Friday 16th of September 2016 01:36:56 PM