I need help understanding where to go from here. My 8 year old doesn't see her dad much my exAH because he doesn't make the effort to see her except some holidays and Summer time. Since moving in with my boyfriend and his 13 year old daughter, he points out her ride behavior. Which is there, but out of guilt I usually let I go. She has told my boyfriend and his daughter different mean things, the latest they are not part of her family because she doesn't want them to be. My boyfriend takes her to and from soccer practice when I'm at work and is very involved. He is hoping she isn't hurting his 13 year old daughters feelings and thinks I don't hold her accountable.
el-cee said
Sep 13, 2016
Why do you feel guilty? Don't you feel you deserve to be happy? Do you feel pity for her because of her dad? Kids pick up on that thinking and take full advantage. Why not try a 4th step on it. Remember you did the best with what you had. Forgive yourself your never going to be perfect and treat your daughter the way she needs to be treated for her development with dignity. Consistency boundaries calm.x
a4l said
Sep 13, 2016
Maybe a counsellor? Is she rude or incapable of expressing her feelings appropriately? She's 8 after all. Lots of changes. Rock and a hard place though for you BF.
Mattie said
Sep 13, 2016
Maybe in the hectic pace of trying to be a single mother and get everything done, you've let cultivating your daughter's sensitivity slide. That happens to all of us - that we overlook something till later.
But also, there are different rules in every house. If it's okay to put your elbows on the table at your house, and not at her dad's house, that's an adjustment she makes. And he would be the one to take it up with her, not you. "At our house we do things this way." So him passing the buck back to you - well, he's her parent too, isn't he? So he can have the talk with her that he feels it's necessary to have.
I can't help but notice the comment that he objected to, also. It's not just about some random comment, it's about her not wanting to be a part of their family, or feeling alienated from them. Partly it's your ballpark to talk to her about families and difficult relatives. But partly it's about him talking to her. I can imagine a good father sitting down with her privately sometime and saying, "What can we do to help you feel part of our family? I felt sad when I heard that you thought you're not part of our family. I want you to know that even if you feel angry, I love you very much and..." And so on. It's not up to you to manage her emotions while she's over there. You give her as many tools as you can, of course, to manage her emotions anywhere. But eight-year-olds have strong feelings, and they will come up, especially in tense family situations. Him passing the buck back to you helps him evade having to help her himself. Those are my thoughts.
hotrod said
Sep 13, 2016
(BF)) I am sure that forming a loving blended family is a difficult challenge for everyone. I think Mattie has made some great points and maybe simply sitting down and discussing her attitude, and feelings will help her adjust ,
Good Luck my dear.
Iamhere said
Sep 13, 2016
I agree that an open dialogue would probably be very helpful. My boys were often unable to express themselves about what they thought or felt even in safe places. However, I believe continuing to try and discuss was paramount as they do feel very comfortable telling me just about everything (many things I don't want to know as a mom of boys) and talk about their feelings and thoughts now. What I was told by several counselors is that when we seem miles apart on our perceptions, I need to not try to change theirs - their perceptions are their reality even if/when I recall things very differently.
As the youngest child in a family, I can share also that I felt often as a child as a 5th wheel. Most of our days were planned around the activities of my older brothers and I actually referred to myself as the "tag-along" child. I felt that I was just pulled around town as the youngest and it was hard to come of age when you are expected to be/act like those older than you. I found it confusing at times - no real resentments - but being the youngest in the house was far from the easiest. Because of the dynamics, as an example, others tied my shoes for me to get out the door faster and I ended up in Kindergarten not knowing how to do this! I believe I was slower to mature also as the youngest child, based on the dynamics of the family unit.
Just throwing that out there as it popped into my head when I read your post. I would certainly offer her the choice of talking with an outside party who is not biased. Like our qualifiers, try to QTIP and continue to use your program to process. (((Hugs)))
2HP said
Sep 13, 2016
In my dysfunctional home, I had become conditioned... don't talk. don't trust. don't feel.
My mother didn't want to deal with my feelings (selfish, personal convenience) so she would tell me how I "should" feel instead (should is a word of control.) I learned to suppress my real feelings. As an adult in counseling, they'd ask how I was feeling and I would go mute, afraid to say the "wrong" thing. So many knots to un-do.
In my Monday Al-Anon meeting, the format once a month is on FEELINGS, a huge topic in Al-Anon, learning to allow ourselves to have them and accepting them as valid.
Just another angle, I hope it helps (((peace)))
pinkchip said
Sep 13, 2016
If I recall, she spent a year living with her dad at age 6 or so right? Probably confused and feeling abandoned.
tiredtonite said
Sep 13, 2016
I guess whether she's in your bf and his dau's faces with those statements or just stating what she feels are facts, it's still begs the question - why does she feel it's important to tell them this. Since she's only 8 she may be confused about how they fit into the whole picture and who she is in this picture now that they are in it permanently. If she had to give up her home to live in theirs, she may have some feelings of insecurity about that. Could she also feel concern about them taking you away from her on lots of levels. Maybe there are some blossoming feeling of abandonment concerning dad. If so, it could create a greater feeling of possessiveness concerning her mom.
I could be totally off base here, but could your daughter see your bf and his daughter as competition and believe they have the power to take the person she loves and depends on most away from her? Taking her out by herself to do something nice and a casual conversation about it might bring answers. At 8, I'm betting she has lots of little girl fears. As always, take what you like and leave the rest. (((hugs))) TT
Maybe in the hectic pace of trying to be a single mother and get everything done, you've let cultivating your daughter's sensitivity slide. That happens to all of us - that we overlook something till later.
But also, there are different rules in every house. If it's okay to put your elbows on the table at your house, and not at her dad's house, that's an adjustment she makes. And he would be the one to take it up with her, not you. "At our house we do things this way." So him passing the buck back to you - well, he's her parent too, isn't he? So he can have the talk with her that he feels it's necessary to have.
I can't help but notice the comment that he objected to, also. It's not just about some random comment, it's about her not wanting to be a part of their family, or feeling alienated from them. Partly it's your ballpark to talk to her about families and difficult relatives. But partly it's about him talking to her. I can imagine a good father sitting down with her privately sometime and saying, "What can we do to help you feel part of our family? I felt sad when I heard that you thought you're not part of our family. I want you to know that even if you feel angry, I love you very much and..." And so on. It's not up to you to manage her emotions while she's over there. You give her as many tools as you can, of course, to manage her emotions anywhere. But eight-year-olds have strong feelings, and they will come up, especially in tense family situations. Him passing the buck back to you helps him evade having to help her himself. Those are my thoughts.
Good Luck my dear.
As the youngest child in a family, I can share also that I felt often as a child as a 5th wheel. Most of our days were planned around the activities of my older brothers and I actually referred to myself as the "tag-along" child. I felt that I was just pulled around town as the youngest and it was hard to come of age when you are expected to be/act like those older than you. I found it confusing at times - no real resentments - but being the youngest in the house was far from the easiest. Because of the dynamics, as an example, others tied my shoes for me to get out the door faster and I ended up in Kindergarten not knowing how to do this! I believe I was slower to mature also as the youngest child, based on the dynamics of the family unit.
Just throwing that out there as it popped into my head when I read your post. I would certainly offer her the choice of talking with an outside party who is not biased. Like our qualifiers, try to QTIP and continue to use your program to process. (((Hugs)))
My mother didn't want to deal with my feelings (selfish, personal convenience) so she would tell me how I "should" feel instead (should is a word of control.) I learned to suppress my real feelings. As an adult in counseling, they'd ask how I was feeling and I would go mute, afraid to say the "wrong" thing. So many knots to un-do.
In my Monday Al-Anon meeting, the format once a month is on FEELINGS, a huge topic in Al-Anon, learning to allow ourselves to have them and accepting them as valid.
Just another angle, I hope it helps (((peace)))
I guess whether she's in your bf and his dau's faces with those statements or just stating what she feels are facts, it's still begs the question - why does she feel it's important to tell them this. Since she's only 8 she may be confused about how they fit into the whole picture and who she is in this picture now that they are in it permanently. If she had to give up her home to live in theirs, she may have some feelings of insecurity about that. Could she also feel concern about them taking you away from her on lots of levels. Maybe there are some blossoming feeling of abandonment concerning dad. If so, it could create a greater feeling of possessiveness concerning her mom.
I could be totally off base here, but could your daughter see your bf and his daughter as competition and believe they have the power to take the person she loves and depends on most away from her? Taking her out by herself to do something nice and a casual conversation about it might bring answers. At 8, I'm betting she has lots of little girl fears. As always, take what you like and leave the rest. (((hugs))) TT