Am I missing something in my journey? I can't seem to connect, I can't seem to understand the tools

Hi J We are powerless over others so that wasting our time worrying about what they will or will not do is destructive to our lives and serenity .

We can substitute worrying by continually repeating the serenity prayer in our minds as well as a slogan like:"Let go and let God". This stops the obsessive thoughts and replaces fear with the courage to live one moment at a time, trusting that no matter what happens HP will guide our lives.

in crisis right now. It all started with his asking me why I'm in a strange mood. I honestly and casually told him not to talk to me as I'm anxious. He insisted on knowing why so I was compelled to tell him of my worries. And it started from there, he said he's no longer going for may sake. I told him not to do for my sake. And we went round & round the argument of should do for self or for the other. We're in the middle of argument and separation came in the middle of it all when he made dirty finger to me and made a stance as if to hit me and told me that I should have hurt you long before to give me a lesson. I told him to leave because I will not allow what he is doing to me, all the threatening. He is packing his things but keeps on telling me that I am the cause of all this, because he made me do it.
The last words I said was whatever you do it is because that is what you want to do and do not put everything on me.
Now I'm saying Let go and Let God like crazy, trying to keep my calm and wits remembering what you said Betty to trust God no matter what happens.

"made a stance as if to hit me and told me that I should have hurt you long before to give me a lesson" That part of your post is great cause for concern. It is better right now that he is gone and you are safe.

If you think he might come back and follow up on his threat, is there somewhere you could go to be safe? If so, I would go there.

Stay safe, keep praying and stay close to God
And let his arms hold you in his love. This is A
powerful disease there is no reasoning or being
Rational while they are in the throws of Their
addictions. You are in his way and setting
Boundaries, the disease does not like that.

(((((((((( Jocel ))))))))))

He is verbally abusive for sure, I'm not sure if he's coming back to follow up on his threat, most likely not. Thanks for your concern deacon. Those verbal abuses pushed me to snap, I always do when he use that to me. I think the disease in him knows how and what to do with me. How I wish he would recognize that he has a disease, but he won't and he would not. He thinks I am the one who is sick in the mind, and believes people I get in touch with for support about "alcoholism" is brainwashing me. Though I know that I did become sick too, I wouldn't want to stay sick. I don't know what's going on in that mind of his, he may come back meek and sorry or he could just come back raging and getting more of his stuff. He already left once but came back after a week, I guess at that time I was listening to my FOO who's main concern is to value marriage. There's nothing wrong with that but I don't think they fully understand what I'm going thru. They have asked me to learn to accept the man that he is as though it's just a weakness of character and personality, and I am trying. But when I think of his bad behavior, his rudeness, the verbal attacks towards me, I ask myself is this really worth it. The thought of him getting back to his drinking sprees is sending me back to the past that I would not want to go thru again. You are right Jerry, I am full of negative emotions at the moment. Thank you Betty, Jerry & Mirandac for reminding me to hold on & stay close to God, praying for His guidance, His Will & plan for me. I'll rest and pause for now, live in the moment, go on with what I am supposed to accomplish for the day. I have to take a very late lunch, hunger will not do me good. I'll try to check the chat room if my mind will wander off. Thank you very much (((Hugs to all)))

Also sending you prayers of comfort Jocelgp. Be gentle with yourself and take care.

((Jocelgp)) Sorry I went to sleep early last night . Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you right now .

(((((Jocelgp)))))

That sounds like a lot of drama, more than any of us need to put up with, and I hope that you have found some peace and comfort for yourself.

I was chatting with a lovely girlfriend of mine a few years back and I told her that my AH was saying that it was all my fault. She replied, with a twinkle in her voice, 'of course it's your fault. who's else could it possibly be?' That made me laugh and I realised that I don't have to believe everything my A tells me!!

Trying to keep my focus on myself helps a lot - I am not responsible for my husband's choices, only for my own well being. When someone else's actions or choices upset me I try to meditate or do a bit of yoga, anything that brings my thinking back inside myself!

I like your choice to take a late lunch by the way! Stay safe. Sending ((((hugs)))))

When I was able to practice this program, and no longer JADE, they no longer had me to blame. I walked away from words, actions, insanity, chaos and drama over and over and over again - keeping my mouth shut and detaching. I slipped often in the beginning and the drama/fights continued. But when I refused to engage, they stopped blaming me as I didn't speak, eye-roll, storm out or anything. I just calmly removed myself.

When I am anxious and full of fear, and feel pushed to respond, I will say my truth as calmly as possible. That would be, "I am anxious and full of fear." I don't need to explain why because the truth for me is when I am full of fear, I have turned my back on my faith. For me, it has nothing to do with what they might do or are doing. It has everything to do with me not getting exactly what I think I need/want in that moment.

I had to work this program to see that I did play a part in the insanity and chaos. We are not perfect people sitting around with halos while they are screwing everything up. They are sick and so are we. I had to learn that there was no shame in telling another person that I am not in a good place, and just need to sit quietly and process my feelings. Before the program, I really thought it was my job to have others see me/my thoughts as I saw them. In recovery, I've learned that's impossible as we are all unique.

Others around me are always going to do what they want/need in their mind - the question I have to ask myself often is what am I going to do. The answer that comes often is seek serenity and trust God.

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. It took me a long while to realize that my obsessive thoughts about what they might do were projections and may/may not happen. As such, perhaps I should stay present instead. I'm also sending you positive thoughts and prayers.

I'd just like to share that I entered the chat room earlier. Though it is just virtual, it helped that there is simultaneous interaction. It helped me clear my mind.

I was able to talk to my sister to let her know of what i'm going thru, though she may have a different view on alcoholism, at least we're one in mind that it will not do any good to plan or prepare for what will happen next. No one really knows what will happen next. We just have to pray and trust God's loving hands.

I also was able to talk to my mother whom my husband and I live with. She listened and had an open mind to what I was saying about what happened and how alcohol has affected my husband and me. I was happy and thankful that she was there listening and truly believing what I am saying. The thought that she will not understand is one real FEAR - false evidence appearing real. I opened my heart to her, including how I was coping all these years and how Al-anon played a vital role in my struggle. She too believes that I have to let God take care of the situation and told me to do what I think is best for me. That I have to continuously pray and ask God for help and guidance. Faith in God is one gift my mother has given us her children, and I'm grateful to her for that.

It's almost 12 midnight and my husband is not yet home, I am not waiting up for him, although I have to admit I am looking out the window sometimes, I'm just normal :) No, I am no longer anxious at least for now. I know that the coming days will not be easy but i'll cross it one day at a time, one moment at a time if need be. I'm still awake because I would like to share on this message board. I'd like to share with you what I wrote to someone a while ago: "If there's one thing I most agree in Al-anon is it's belief in God or what they call Higher Power for those who have no concept of God. I pray and I believe that God will always work for the better. God loves me as much as He loves my husband. Sometimes the tools in Al-anon seem incomprehensible but it does gets clearer when you need them most. I am not perfect, and when things go wrong as it did earlier, I can forgive myself for my part and shortcomings. I am not taking the blame on myself nor on my husband, it's the nature of the disease or alcoholism. I forgive him but it doesn't mean that what he did is justified. There's no justification for harm done, only repentance and forgiveness. I don't know what lies ahead, I used to plan and prepare for what could happen. I may have some "plan in my mind" right now but I don't strategize on how I will implement it. Who knows what will happen next, I leave it up to the hands of God. I just pray that I will be able to respond as how God wants me to in every circumstance that will arise. For now I need to take a rest, the day has been very very stressful. I'm glad that more often than not i am responding to my struggles better than I used to before Al-anon. For that I am grateful."

(((hugs))) and thanks to all of you for being here,
Jocel

Gratitude is everything to me and for my program. Keep coming back!

so i thought... I was gonna call my mom for lunch and when I entered her room she was on the phone w/ my sister. They were talking about me, and saying that she couldn't understand why my husband & I fight so much when we could just compromise/"give and take". I heard her refer to my husband as "King Solomon", I left the room when I heard it because I knew it's sarcasm & there was anger in her heart, and I don't want to hear anymore. I was even telling her last night how helpless alcoholics are and we should look at them with compassion, and she was agreeing. I was too presumptive that my mom truly understood what I was going thru. I was saddened, I know that there's nothing that I could do about it but after they were done on the phone, I expressed my feelings to my mom. I told her that I thought she understood what I was telling her last night but told her that it's ok and I didn't really expect that she will fully understand, it's enough with me that she knew that something is going on in my life right now because we live in the same house. Maybe I shouldn't have said that to her, maybe I should have just kept it to myself, I don't know, somehow I didn't like what I did because she reacted that "she understood and if I think that I don't it's enough with her that there are other people who understand me", and I knew she felt bad. Just so I will not react to her reactions, I excused myself from the table and told her I have to rush back to work. How can I expect her to understand, how can I expect my family to understand when I myself don't fully understand?

so my husband came home late this morning. I wasn't expecting that he'd be back so soon. He called on the phone because the door is bolted, i unbolted so he can come in. I didn't say a word, he didn't say a word. I went back to work in my home office, I heard he went straight to our room. My heart is pounding and I kept on breathing, searched the slogans for something and this one struck me: "Thank You God for reminding me not to interfere with your Divine Plan". We haven't seen nor talked to each other since then, but I included him in preparing lunch and set a plate for him. I didn't call him for lunch, I don't really know what I will be facing, I thought it would be best to leave him alone anyway he'll find that there's a plate for him. I won't start on anything at all, only in my "own business". I'm leaving everything in the hands of God praying that He will pave the way for what is best for both of us, and that He'll prompt me for the right response.

Just to add, I know I'm not ready yet to make any decisions at this point with regards to living or not living with my husband. How I wish my husband will seek recovery or just choose to leave me alone. All I know is that I still believe that drinking for him is not ok, he is not a regular drinker. If he is not an alcoholic yet, he has all the signs of one to become. But I also accept that there's nothing I can do about it, I cannot control it, and it is not my business if he drinks or not. That I should not interfere with regards to his drinking career. But the question I often ask myself is can I really live with it in our midst knowing that he is in denial and that he is not doing anything about it but to convince me that it's fine and that I'm stinking wrong to think that drinking is bad. I think this is where all my confusion lies: if I continue to live with him and accept his drinking as it is because I'm powerless over it, then it means I have to live with the rudeness and ill behavior that comes with it. Yes, there are the tools and I can change my ways, or maybe I haven't changed enough, but it still doesn't erase the truth that he has developed undesirable behavior and that these can get worse as he continues to deny and pursue his drinking career. So if I continue to live with him that means that I have to do all the Al-anon work for our relationship to survive. I'm too overwhelmed and exhausted already just to think about it... and so there's one day at a time and I don't even have to worry about what has not happened yet. But I have to care for myself, where's the caring when I get to be tormented with daily living with this... that's why there are tools. It's getting to be more confusing than ever, these thoughts going round and round in my head... as I sit here doing the waiting because I don't want to start or decide on anything... what am I to do.... nothing... Let Go and Let God!

Hope you're OK jocelgp

Love that version of the Serenity Prayer Betty - thanks so much for sharing!!

I slept with that prayer in my heart, it came at the right time. Thanks so much for sharing that Betty.

I am pleased that it helped J, Glad that you were able to sleep and please continue to be gentle with yourself.

So this is what happened He came back home, we didnt talk, we evaded each other and then he just popped into my home office as if nothing happened. I told my husband that it shouldnt be this way, that we will have an ugly fight, me then asking you to leave because of rudeness and ill behavior towards me, those threats and verbal abuses, and you leaving insisting that I asked you to leave. Yes I did asked him to leave but you know why I asked you to leave. And now hes coming back as though its just a simple passing thing. This has happened before, and as Ive said Im not going thru this again. So I told him, that if he is coming back we have to have a serious heart to heart talk. He resisted and said that theres nothing to talk about. I said verbal abuse and all those threats are not nothing. If we will not have that talk, it is best that you leave again, I will not let you stay. He will not leave, and I refuse to have things back to normal again. He would do some chores and would walk the dog but I told him that I will do those things and reiterated that hes not staying if hes not willing to have that dialogue. He really refused and went around in and out of the house again starting to be rude and nasty. I went to my moms room to remind her not to interfere and that I will be leaving the house if my husband will refuse to go. Of course, she reacted what do you mean you cant force him to leave? and said that it is our house and I shouldnt be the one to go. I told her that if she CAN make him leave then she be the one to do it. She said shell not do that because shes not the wife. So I said but you have all the right because this is your house. I have already told you before that if you cannot stand my husbands behavior you can ask him to leave but never say you cannot make him leave on my account. Do not make me bear your pain, I have nothing to do with it. Your issue with my husband is yours not mine. I dont know if Im right in saying that but that made her stop, I explained to her that I will be back as soon as my husband leaves. I think that if I leave the house he will then leave. But, I reminded her that those are only IFs because I dont want her to panic in case. My moms behavior is another issue to me, makes my situation more difficult at times.
So I walked the dog around the house and he would follow with remarks but I was just totally ignoring. I am not entertaining his remarks and accusations, come to think of it I didnt Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain my side. I simply told him that this is not the way to talk, if we will talk we should both sit down and be calm. He would say that I should not tell him how. I said that I am not ordering you to do something but I am just setting the mood for a good talk otherwise it would still be best that he leave for I no longer want all the shouting and bad mouthing. It went on that way for sometime until we finally sat and talked. The whole process of talking didnt even took us half an hour, very much shorter than the rude behavior I was dealing with earlier. I asked if he realizes that we are having a problem and asked if he can pinpoint what that problem is. At first he would say Im the only one making up problems. I said if you think we DONT & I say we DO then I think we better part ways for now and give each other space to think things over for ourselves. So now he says that he thinks that the problem is me, my attitude, my nagging etc. So I said I think were barking at two different things. Youre seeing something that I dont see, and Im seeing something you dont and were both fighting each other trying to convince the other. So I said, I think we better part ways as this fighting will not do good for both of us. So he asked me, why what is the problem? So I said it is his drinking and I can tell by his body language that he doesnt agree. So I said that if you dont see that as causing us marital problems again I say it would be best for me to part ways with you and let me think things over. He was stunned there for a while and then he said ok so it is my drinking that is the problem. So I said if you honestly believe, because it is important that we have to be honest to ourselves, that that has been for the longest time the cause of our marital issues then we have to do something about it. Again I say what you do about it is up to you and what I do about it is up to me, we will not tell each other what to do. Its enough that we know we are facing the same problem, lets just respect each other for whatever action we will take. So he said ok so I wont do it anymore for you Ill do it for myself. So I said fine and excused myself to go in. He was shocked and said is that it? And I replied with yes thats it for now and went in.
Im thankful, really grateful for how it ended for I can see a brighter beginning. Things have become clearer to me. Whatever happens, I can accept me, forgive me and be gentle with myself. As to my husband, I dont know what is going on in his mind, if he is sincere or what, but that is no longer a concern of mine. Alcoholism is for him to deal with and the effects of alcoholism on me is what I am to deal with. I cannot control him, nor what will happen to us, I leave it in the hands of God. I have clearly seen the boundary that is for myself. I will be good to me and will not allow harm done to me, to always remind me that there is God always loving and taking care of me.
Moms reaction perplexed me, I understand her care but I dont understand her ways. I felt the need to inform her of what has happened so far because we live in her house. She seemed not happy with the outcome, she didnt said it straightforward but I think she thought that I was gonna make my husband leave and separate from him for good. It seems she would have wanted it that way because she uttered some words of disgust for my husband. I didnt say I am sticking guts and guns to live with my husband no matter what, nor the other way around. What Im saying is, that is how it is, and Im leaving a day at a time with clear boundaries in mind. I cannot predict what will happen, I cannot predict what my husband will do next, only God knows and I am only to respond at the moment. My mom is a person of contradiction, she would think and say one way and do the other. I realized I need to do some Al-anon in dealing with her

Sending positive thoughts your way Jocel - prayers too. I have found it difficult and pointless to try and have a discussion when the disease is active. It just never has gone well for me. I hope today brings you more peace...