I read the step boards and these words written by another member, shook me to my core:
When AGF relapsed I felt the responsibility to be strong for her, to maintain myself like a pillar so that she would have an anchor...
I have spent way too much energy and life analyzing THEIR problem. How they should change, be different (so that I can feel better or something). This is nuts.
Admitting and realizing that they are not my "job" and that I can't do anything about them even if I want to, frees up a lot of energy in me. Let them be. Live and let live. I only have to take care of myself.
I tried to change my last girlfriend who I wanted to grow up and start being more responsible.
I had used my own instability and mental health to try and keep people in my life that I felt I would be lost without.
I found out that her situation is far more complex than I imagined
I can so relate to these posts and I see now why I am with ABF...I am trying to control him...I am playing god to him and trying to make him be someone he is not...and wanting him to do things my way, which is the only right way. I am trying to make him be responsible...grow up...be his support system by being his anchor...the stable one. Instead of giving him back his complex situation for him to deal with, I am allowing him to give it to me to deal with, worry over, analyze, solve and fix. I take on this huge job without a second thought and make it my focus. His problems become mine and I forget all about myself and what I need, want, desire.
I see that I am staying with him because I feel needed to fix his life. Once his life is straighten up, is more stable, he will not need me and will move on...and where will I be? Out in the cold, alone! My worse fear! To avoid this, I need to get strong for myself and get as much support for me as possible now so that I can withstand what may occur and should I be alone, I will have support! I see that he is becoming more stable and needing me less and less and that makes me afraid. I need to focus on me...me, me only now and forget about him and his needs for awhile. I see that I am sick and need help!
I see now that when I first met him, he was a mess, and I felt it was my duty and my job description to straighten him out. I should have just walked away and not have gotten myself involved in trying to fix his life up. Getting his life straightened up should be his responsibility not mine. I got involved because I saw potential and knew he had it in him to get his life back on track. Today, he is sober, and for that I am grateful, but I also know in my heart, I can not do no more, if he should relapse and that I have to move out of the house and get into my own apartment that I have set up as a plan B.
I also see now that I need to be in a relationship with a man that has the same goals, desires, hopes, dreams, stability, self control, wave length as me and quit chasing the active alcoholics, trying to make them be some one they do not want to be. I have to learn how to walk away and say no, this is not for me. This is not the life I want for me for the next 20 years. I deserve better and will have better. I see that I have made a choice to stay with abf because I felt sorry for him, he was alone and had no help or support. It is his responsibility to reach out for help and support, he has the time and energy, just like me and I can not be his god or anchor.
I see that I played into this sick game by staying and tolerating abuse and pain because I was afraid to be alone and follow my heart desires, what I need, believe, dream.
I see that I need to focus on me and learn to set boundaries that work for me. If the boundaries are not acceptable to someone else, their problem, not mine. I have to learn to love me and get my self esteem up.
I am rambling on but when I read these words from the step work I had to share my insights and see that I have work to do on me!
hotrod said
Sep 12, 2016
Joker The Step Board is certainly a powerful resource. Step one is a great beginning I am pleased that the shares touched your spirit. Keep on keeping on .
joker said
Sep 12, 2016
I want a husband that I can be proud of, a normal guy, and exemplary one
My goal..and reality presents me with someone different. I have to learn to accept reality and stop living in this fantasy world! Another insight!
joker said
Sep 12, 2016
I see now that I imposed on ABF...I moved in with him, I tried to change him, change his lifestyle, change this/that...my way, the only way...I did not allow him to be his own person...live his own life. I imposed on him...I see that now and then I complain about my crappy life with him...I made the choice to be with him...I did this myself. I have every right to leave and live in my own place, to be my own person...yet I choose to live with him...and tolerate BS. No is forcing me to accept BS. I am doing this to myself. I see that now. I have choices today and I need to see that I have plan A, B,C D..I am not stuck and hopeless!!
Detached said
Sep 12, 2016
It's truly amazing how life-changing the steps are! If I were allowed to give advice I would suggest to everyone I know that they do a 12 step program! Lol!
hotrod said
Sep 12, 2016
I agree Detached The Steps are life changing. They do require some discipline and are not easy but the results so worth it.
Joker-- powerful awareness and acceptance great insights.
Detached said
Sep 12, 2016
Hotrod you are right, not only do they require discipline, they are not easy. The true realization with step one took me through months of tears, anger, hopelessness, and regret. Today I am free. Life is so much different/better than I thought it could be. In trying to control everyone else I had no control over myself. That has changed dramatically for the best!
Aerin said
Sep 12, 2016
Joker... Yep, I could have written all that too. I feel thesane. I have left the relationship while he gets help and it hurts for sure. Like you said, my biggest fear. Alone now. And no physical attention. (thats a pathetic reason to stay but thats what Im thinking!) Here I am still feeling sorry for him that HE has to go through all this. I don't know why I cannot put myself first. I am doing it but still thinking maybe Im wrong to "leave" and not stay and at least support him etc... That Im selfish for not understanding.. I am also at the same time thinking of all the things I deserve (like ALL the things you listed) that I was only getting small amounts of because we fought alot over his drinking. Without beer he is very quiet and insecure. So not muc to even talk about. Anyway, trust me when I say I hear you! I have my own place so definitely have your Plan B because thats one good feeling. That you can go home to your own place.
I read the step boards and these words written by another member, shook me to my core:
When AGF relapsed I felt the responsibility to be strong for her, to maintain myself like a pillar so that she would have an anchor...
I have spent way too much energy and life analyzing THEIR problem. How they should change, be different (so that I can feel better or something). This is nuts.
Admitting and realizing that they are not my "job" and that I can't do anything about them even if I want to, frees up a lot of energy in me. Let them be. Live and let live. I only have to take care of myself.
I tried to change my last girlfriend who I wanted to grow up and start being more responsible.
I had used my own instability and mental health to try and keep people in my life that I felt I would be lost without.
I found out that her situation is far more complex than I imagined
I can so relate to these posts and I see now why I am with ABF...I am trying to control him...I am playing god to him and trying to make him be someone he is not...and wanting him to do things my way, which is the only right way. I am trying to make him be responsible...grow up...be his support system by being his anchor...the stable one. Instead of giving him back his complex situation for him to deal with, I am allowing him to give it to me to deal with, worry over, analyze, solve and fix. I take on this huge job without a second thought and make it my focus. His problems become mine and I forget all about myself and what I need, want, desire.
I see that I am staying with him because I feel needed to fix his life. Once his life is straighten up, is more stable, he will not need me and will move on...and where will I be? Out in the cold, alone! My worse fear! To avoid this, I need to get strong for myself and get as much support for me as possible now so that I can withstand what may occur and should I be alone, I will have support! I see that he is becoming more stable and needing me less and less and that makes me afraid. I need to focus on me...me, me only now and forget about him and his needs for awhile. I see that I am sick and need help!
I see now that when I first met him, he was a mess, and I felt it was my duty and my job description to straighten him out. I should have just walked away and not have gotten myself involved in trying to fix his life up. Getting his life straightened up should be his responsibility not mine. I got involved because I saw potential and knew he had it in him to get his life back on track. Today, he is sober, and for that I am grateful, but I also know in my heart, I can not do no more, if he should relapse and that I have to move out of the house and get into my own apartment that I have set up as a plan B.
I also see now that I need to be in a relationship with a man that has the same goals, desires, hopes, dreams, stability, self control, wave length as me and quit chasing the active alcoholics, trying to make them be some one they do not want to be. I have to learn how to walk away and say no, this is not for me. This is not the life I want for me for the next 20 years. I deserve better and will have better. I see that I have made a choice to stay with abf because I felt sorry for him, he was alone and had no help or support. It is his responsibility to reach out for help and support, he has the time and energy, just like me and I can not be his god or anchor.
I see that I played into this sick game by staying and tolerating abuse and pain because I was afraid to be alone and follow my heart desires, what I need, believe, dream.
I see that I need to focus on me and learn to set boundaries that work for me. If the boundaries are not acceptable to someone else, their problem, not mine. I have to learn to love me and get my self esteem up.
I am rambling on but when I read these words from the step work I had to share my insights and see that I have work to do on me!
Joker The Step Board is certainly a powerful resource. Step one is a great beginning I am pleased that the shares touched your spirit. Keep on keeping on .
I want a husband that I can be proud of, a normal guy, and exemplary one
My goal..and reality presents me with someone different. I have to learn to accept reality and stop living in this fantasy world! Another insight!
I see now that I imposed on ABF...I moved in with him, I tried to change him, change his lifestyle, change this/that...my way, the only way...I did not allow him to be his own person...live his own life. I imposed on him...I see that now and then I complain about my crappy life with him...I made the choice to be with him...I did this myself. I have every right to leave and live in my own place, to be my own person...yet I choose to live with him...and tolerate BS. No is forcing me to accept BS. I am doing this to myself. I see that now. I have choices today and I need to see that I have plan A, B,C D..I am not stuck and hopeless!!
It's truly amazing how life-changing the steps are! If I were allowed to give advice I would suggest to everyone I know that they do a 12 step program! Lol!
Joker-- powerful awareness and acceptance great insights.
Hotrod you are right, not only do they require discipline, they are not easy. The true realization with step one took me through months of tears, anger, hopelessness, and regret. Today I am free. Life is so much different/better than I thought it could be. In trying to control everyone else I had no control over myself. That has changed dramatically for the best!
Please and many thanks