I've been thinking about acceptance, acceptable behavior, boundaries, relationships and changing one's circumstances this morning. One of my (very human) character defects is asking "why?" about lots of things. I would love to reach a state of enlightened acceptance where instead of "why?" being my first thought, I just accept everything the way it is. Not quite there yet, still a flawed human.
I grew up with two active alcoholic parents. I started trying to run away at age five (my father came home from work as a truck driver at 3:00 AM one day and found me in the driveway - I guess I told him I was running away from home and he believed I was sleepwalking). I tried to get as far away from the insanity of my parents as I could. I stayed home when they were out (I faked sick a lot so I could just be at home alone as a kid), and I went out when they were home. And I ran away a couple of times, got caught, and came back. No my parents were not all bad - they had many wonderful qualities and we had many happy times. But I knew that wasn't the life I wanted. I really left home for good at 17. I got into relationships with alcoholic/addict men and at a certain point with all of them, I realized it wasn't what I wanted, and I left. I'm not angry with any of them, even the one I just left two weeks ago. I am so much happier alone than with an addict/alcoholic -- even if they are people I love, and even if they are great in many ways. The non-great stuff -- the lying, the broken promises, the anger, the delusions, the paranoia -- is just not worth it to me. I can accept that that's who they are and what they're doing, but I can't not judge it. And I can't say "oh, that's their life, it doesn't affect me" because of course it affects me if I am sharing my life with someone who is behaving in those ways. I can still love them, but I don't have to live with that behavior and craziness.
I read the stories here and listen to al-anon speakers who say they went through years of insanity with their alcoholic partners and many of them did it for the sake of their children. I don't have children, but when I was a child, I used to beg my parents to get divorced or give me up for adoption or send me to boarding school or something -- I am very happy with who I am, but I would be a different, and probably healthier/saner person, if my parents hadn't stayed together. Or people say they stay because they are honoring their wedding vows. They talk about how "after xx years of fights and arrests and rehab and etc" their partner finally sobered up and now it's great. I've stayed with guys because I felt guilty/responsible for them and thought "oh, if I leave him, he'll have no one and he won't be able to cope" which is crazy thinking and has never been true, and even if it were, it's his life to live, not mine. I do wonder why people stay in these relationships. And I wonder why I don't, and why even though I have left the same patterns, I keep looking for a relationship and wind up not staying when the person's behavior becomes unacceptable to me. If I stayed with my first alcoholic/addict fella, my husband whom I married in England at 19 (28 years ago), would he have sobered up? Maybe. But if that happened, I wouldn't have moved back to the US, gone to college, bought a house, and had the many wonderful experiences I have had in that time. (I also wouldn't have gotten involved with the other alcoholics I've met since). Things could have been wonderful or terrible with any of these guys -- but fundamentally, I don't want to deal with the insanity, lying, duplicity, and drama of the everyday in hopes of things improving in a couple of decades. I know this is very much "my will" speaking here -- but maybe also my HP telling me to leave and live my own life.
A friend's aunt says "you can love a rich man as easy as you can love a poor man." I would tweak that to say "you can love a sober man as easy as you can love an alcoholic". I guess the issue for me is to find someone to direct my love towards with whom I can have a genuine partnership built on shared goals, mutual respect, and mutual support when needed. I definitely don't want to be in a relationship where I'm spending my time finding ways to deal with the other person's addictions and crazy behavior just so I can get through the day. I need to become more healthy and self-loving for that to happen -- that's crystal-clear for me. And the way I'm doing that is through this wonderful al-anon program and steering very clear of any relationship (other than friendship or sponsorship) until I feel like I'm a whole, integrated person on my own.
hotrod said
Sep 10, 2016
Beautiful, powerful thoughts E I M
Alanon has provided me with the tools to engage in a mutually respectful relationship and I am so very pleased with the results. I must continue to work my program daily to be sure I do not slip into old behavior but is is worth it. keep on keeping on.
Jerry F said
Sep 10, 2016
My higher power once asked me "What is it about you that is so bad that you are unlovable"? I couldn't find the answer so started practicing self love more often. I don't think you could come up with a valid answerer to that question either. Good post. ((((hugs))))
Aerin said
Sep 10, 2016
Same issue here! You are definitely not alone on this one! My relationship hasn't been "normal" in 4yrs. And I have had normal relationships before and even a normal 13yr marriage! This 4yr one has been constant arguing over his drinking. I finally came to AlAnon to figure out how to stop the madness I felt. Now I am at the stage of most likely leaving. He is not quite ready to really give it up, only cut back.. but I cannot waste anymore of my life with this game
Iamhere said
Sep 10, 2016
I can honestly say that I do not think I have ever (yet) experienced a normal relationship. I don't know that one exists - at least for me - I think that when we work this program and accept ourselves as we are we then stop looking at and for others to fix us or for us to fix.
I met and married my AH in AA. I love him deeply and he is not remotely even close to who he was as a sober member of recovery. I am also not the same person he met in AA 26 years ago. If I keep my expectations limited, look for happiness within me vs. outside of me and accept others as they are, all of my relationships are good/loving.
I have no doubt that my picker has been broken since before I ever dated my first guy. In my scenario, it was my own abuse of alcohol and substances that affected me, my picker, my expectations and my relationships. I have heard from others who've been in recovery and been able to work on themselves and have what Betty described. I would hope the same for all of us - for me, working on me and loving me and those in my life today is enough. If my husband left tomorrow or died next week, I know now that I will be OK. If he lives another 20 years, I'll be OK. I no longer fear what tomorrow may bring because I know I now walk with my HP.
Your share regarding your wishes as a child - parents split, divorce, send you away, put you up for adoption, etc. - I heard some of that from one of my sons. The other says that he's grateful we stayed together. It used to bother me that they had such different views and then I realized that in reality, my marriage to their father was none of their business. They have no right to judge us and we did the best we could with what we had. I have made amends to them for my part of our insanity and have had to let it go and ask them to do so as well. Living in the past is not a good place for any of us.
I love that our program suggests we stay in today. I used to be a 'why' person and came to accept that why no longer matters and allowing the past to affect my present and my future keeps me blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. I now just expect a certain level of dysfunction in all my relationships and when they are healthy, I am pleasantly surprised. The answers for all that bothers me today lie within me, my recovery and my program work. My past for me is not a place to look for cause, blame or reasons but to learn from and grow. My sponsor tells me always to be grateful for the painful difficult times as that's when we grow the most. It sucks when you're in it, but it is so, so true. Always know that whatever is going on today - this too shall pass.
I've been thinking about acceptance, acceptable behavior, boundaries, relationships and changing one's circumstances this morning. One of my (very human) character defects is asking "why?" about lots of things. I would love to reach a state of enlightened acceptance where instead of "why?" being my first thought, I just accept everything the way it is. Not quite there yet, still a flawed human.
I grew up with two active alcoholic parents. I started trying to run away at age five (my father came home from work as a truck driver at 3:00 AM one day and found me in the driveway - I guess I told him I was running away from home and he believed I was sleepwalking). I tried to get as far away from the insanity of my parents as I could. I stayed home when they were out (I faked sick a lot so I could just be at home alone as a kid), and I went out when they were home. And I ran away a couple of times, got caught, and came back. No my parents were not all bad - they had many wonderful qualities and we had many happy times. But I knew that wasn't the life I wanted. I really left home for good at 17. I got into relationships with alcoholic/addict men and at a certain point with all of them, I realized it wasn't what I wanted, and I left. I'm not angry with any of them, even the one I just left two weeks ago. I am so much happier alone than with an addict/alcoholic -- even if they are people I love, and even if they are great in many ways. The non-great stuff -- the lying, the broken promises, the anger, the delusions, the paranoia -- is just not worth it to me. I can accept that that's who they are and what they're doing, but I can't not judge it. And I can't say "oh, that's their life, it doesn't affect me" because of course it affects me if I am sharing my life with someone who is behaving in those ways. I can still love them, but I don't have to live with that behavior and craziness.
I read the stories here and listen to al-anon speakers who say they went through years of insanity with their alcoholic partners and many of them did it for the sake of their children. I don't have children, but when I was a child, I used to beg my parents to get divorced or give me up for adoption or send me to boarding school or something -- I am very happy with who I am, but I would be a different, and probably healthier/saner person, if my parents hadn't stayed together. Or people say they stay because they are honoring their wedding vows. They talk about how "after xx years of fights and arrests and rehab and etc" their partner finally sobered up and now it's great. I've stayed with guys because I felt guilty/responsible for them and thought "oh, if I leave him, he'll have no one and he won't be able to cope" which is crazy thinking and has never been true, and even if it were, it's his life to live, not mine. I do wonder why people stay in these relationships. And I wonder why I don't, and why even though I have left the same patterns, I keep looking for a relationship and wind up not staying when the person's behavior becomes unacceptable to me. If I stayed with my first alcoholic/addict fella, my husband whom I married in England at 19 (28 years ago), would he have sobered up? Maybe. But if that happened, I wouldn't have moved back to the US, gone to college, bought a house, and had the many wonderful experiences I have had in that time. (I also wouldn't have gotten involved with the other alcoholics I've met since). Things could have been wonderful or terrible with any of these guys -- but fundamentally, I don't want to deal with the insanity, lying, duplicity, and drama of the everyday in hopes of things improving in a couple of decades. I know this is very much "my will" speaking here -- but maybe also my HP telling me to leave and live my own life.
A friend's aunt says "you can love a rich man as easy as you can love a poor man." I would tweak that to say "you can love a sober man as easy as you can love an alcoholic". I guess the issue for me is to find someone to direct my love towards with whom I can have a genuine partnership built on shared goals, mutual respect, and mutual support when needed. I definitely don't want to be in a relationship where I'm spending my time finding ways to deal with the other person's addictions and crazy behavior just so I can get through the day. I need to become more healthy and self-loving for that to happen -- that's crystal-clear for me. And the way I'm doing that is through this wonderful al-anon program and steering very clear of any relationship (other than friendship or sponsorship) until I feel like I'm a whole, integrated person on my own.
Alanon has provided me with the tools to engage in a mutually respectful relationship and I am so very pleased with the results. I must continue to work my program daily to be sure I do not slip into old behavior but is is worth it. keep on keeping on.
My higher power once asked me "What is it about you that is so bad that you are unlovable"? I couldn't find the answer so started practicing self love more often. I don't think you could come up with a valid answerer to that question either. Good post. ((((hugs))))
I met and married my AH in AA. I love him deeply and he is not remotely even close to who he was as a sober member of recovery. I am also not the same person he met in AA 26 years ago. If I keep my expectations limited, look for happiness within me vs. outside of me and accept others as they are, all of my relationships are good/loving.
I have no doubt that my picker has been broken since before I ever dated my first guy. In my scenario, it was my own abuse of alcohol and substances that affected me, my picker, my expectations and my relationships. I have heard from others who've been in recovery and been able to work on themselves and have what Betty described. I would hope the same for all of us - for me, working on me and loving me and those in my life today is enough. If my husband left tomorrow or died next week, I know now that I will be OK. If he lives another 20 years, I'll be OK. I no longer fear what tomorrow may bring because I know I now walk with my HP.
Your share regarding your wishes as a child - parents split, divorce, send you away, put you up for adoption, etc. - I heard some of that from one of my sons. The other says that he's grateful we stayed together. It used to bother me that they had such different views and then I realized that in reality, my marriage to their father was none of their business. They have no right to judge us and we did the best we could with what we had. I have made amends to them for my part of our insanity and have had to let it go and ask them to do so as well. Living in the past is not a good place for any of us.
I love that our program suggests we stay in today. I used to be a 'why' person and came to accept that why no longer matters and allowing the past to affect my present and my future keeps me blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. I now just expect a certain level of dysfunction in all my relationships and when they are healthy, I am pleasantly surprised. The answers for all that bothers me today lie within me, my recovery and my program work. My past for me is not a place to look for cause, blame or reasons but to learn from and grow. My sponsor tells me always to be grateful for the painful difficult times as that's when we grow the most. It sucks when you're in it, but it is so, so true. Always know that whatever is going on today - this too shall pass.
(((Hugs)))