I don't know where to begin with this story it's something I've been holding back on all my life without any help of what to do with it,so I thought sharing my story with you all might help maybe I can get closure with it ,making a long story short ,I as a young child 4 or 5 years old ,there was 2 teenage boys living next door to us me my mom and dad and 6 siblings I was being molested every time I came outside to play by the 2 teenage boys so made it scary to come out to play,nobody knew about this ever the teens put a lot of fear into me if I told so there I was stuck with having to deal with it still don't know how I dealt with it this all happened back in the 60s and then again in my teenage years I was raped at age 13 by a 18 yr old ,early 70s ,again I kept my mouth shut as it was me and my sister both that got raped at same time sister being the oldest told me to just be quiet about it and pretend it didn't never happen so I did so did she,fast forwarding to the 80s I went on and got married ,happily married to my 1st alcoholic husband we had 2 kids and fought the whole 20 yrs of our marriage then it ended in divorce I was a nagger at best,while his decease progressed to harder drugs my world crumbled,sex was a tool I used ,my distorted thinking was sex was the only way to keep a man or get a man was through sex,and don't know what even gave me that idea,.ive been to counseling over the yrs with my molesting and rape only to hear counselors say that's in the past to forget it and move on,easy for them to say that and I never dealt with it,except I do remember all the shame it brought me for yrs I felt ashamed of myself,and saddened maybe felt self pity also and the anger the anger I felt was bad ,the man that set it up to rape me and sister still lives in my town here he runs a plumbing business so I have to see him all over town in his truck,he was just one person that was in on it there were 6 men ages 18 and up in on it and they used a date rape drug on us.the others are still around here just can vaguely remember them,still angers me today when I run into one of them,and sadness still some shame just so young just a child and a baby when i was 4 ,couldn't understand how a hp could or would allow something as tragic as that to happen to a baby guess I'm still struggling with the concept of a hp when I have a flashback of back then..........anyways thanks for letting me get this out ,needed to be gotten out.........hugs lu ......
milkwood said
Sep 10, 2016
I'm holding you in my heart today Lookingup (((((hugs))))))
Being able to tell others and to be accepted with a hug and an acknowledgement from the folks around us seemed to help me process a rape in my past. My medicine, when I realised that I needed to heal, was to embrace life and seek out soothing, inspiring, esteem building enjoyment.
You are a beautiful person and if I could lift that shame feeling from you I surely would. It is a word that belongs to the perpetrators and not to you. I am so grateful that you have brought your story here so we can share the load a bit and tell you how much we appreciate having you in our world.
Huge (((((hugs))))) to every bit of you - the child, the teenager and the adult.
-- Edited by milkwood on Saturday 10th of September 2016 01:14:20 AM
Doingmybest said
Sep 10, 2016
Thank you for sharing. I believe many of us have undergone some type of sexual sbuse as children. Perhaps that is one of the reasons we become so sick. I really don't know.
What I do know is that it takes courage to forgive. I don't think I have been able to fully do this yet myself, but I hope to one day.
If you feel up to it, you may want to look back to some older posts of yours and see how far you have come. I have personally seen tremendous growth and think you are on the right track.
Bless You!
lookingup said
Sep 10, 2016
Looking back on this,I realize that I've always thought that this being done to me has damaged me beyond repair,and I've never thought I deserved really any respect,when ppl would show me respect I always show them that no need respecting me,so this is one way that I've allowed the bad things in my past to affect me or has affected me is my respect ,all my life I've never excepted respect from others as crazy as it may sound but true now trying to allow others to respect me or excepting it and expecting it is a challenge in its self,when my addicts start seeing this in me they turn to disrespect quickly.if any of this makes any sense ,just trying to put it in perspective .
lookingup said
Sep 10, 2016
Typing it all out here is helping some as far as putting it all in perspective,thanks doingmybest for your kind words .
lookingup said
Sep 10, 2016
I'm glad I got up the courage to type this out here ,no where else to go with it,this took a lot of courage for me to finally get it out...thanks for allowing me to do so....hugs lu
milkwood said
Sep 10, 2016
I agree, it takes courage and bravery, and that deserves heaps of respect in my book!
el-cee said
Sep 10, 2016
Hi lookingup, thanks for sharing your story and i hope it has helped to get it out. I think there will be many people who can relate in some way to what you have been through. I think that where addiction and alcoholism lives then sexual abuse can also thrive along with many other parts of life that are not good. For me when i think of truamatic parts of my life now i have tools to remember these times and i dont have to feel the feelings i felt at the time. Its not happening to me any more. Its over. I believe most children are victims of adults to some degree. What i loved learning in alanon was that the adults in my childhood are or were imperfect human beings most likely doing the best with what they had and therefor i can forgive them just about anything. I dont forgive them for them but to give me freedom from the idea that i was and still am a victim in my life. Children truly are powerless and when we grow we are powerless to change anything that happened in our childhood. I believe alanon helps us put it into perspective. We dont have to look back and stare and bring up all the old feelings. Looking back and re thinking it so that its much more comfortable to live with in this day has been my goal because ive only got this one life and this day is all i have and i want to make as many days as i can good ones.x
a4l said
Sep 10, 2016
Not expecting respect, showing people there's no need to respect you and using sex as a weapon are all things you've stated so very concisely lu. These things are very true to me also. Showing people there's no need to respect us, hurts the heart. To name it though is quite powerful, to know where the root of it grows, these things are powerful. We always have today. Thank god we always have today. I respect your share and value your insight into your processing. The part about showing people there's no need to respect us, is the most true description of how shame manifests I've ever read. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way and its helped me to make a connection between a feeling and a behaviour. Thank you and keep on keeping on. ((Looking up)))
Mattie said
Sep 10, 2016
{{{{Hugs}}}}
KT2015 said
Sep 10, 2016
((((HUGS))))))
hotrod said
Sep 10, 2016
(((LU)) thanks for sharing with such honesty and clarity . These deep dark secrets are what keeps us stuck. Once we bring them out into the light their power seems to lift.
Your questioning HP's power and existence, due to these terrible experiences is legitimate. I know many including myself who have done likewise. Pray for guidance and know that these powerful awareness and your acceptance by sharing of them, are your first step toward a healthy life.
Please continue to share here and write your asset and gratitude list daily I see you can now add courageous,and brave to the list.
Remember the 3 As awareness acceptance and action. I found the best action for me was to pray for guidance and ask HP to lift the pain.
Thanks for being here.
Iamhere said
Sep 10, 2016
(((Hugs))) for you LU. So sorry for the violations you suffered as a child and teen. I am so with Betty - I heard early on in recovery that our secrets keep us sick. For me, that which was buried deep down inside felt diminished when I was able to disclose to my sponsor and then pray, pray, pray to let it go. I applaud your strength and honesty and I agree - you've come a long, long way. Keep working on you - you will be amazed as you continue to grow!
lookingup said
Sep 10, 2016
I'm crying,lol,tearing up anyway at all this great esh giving here,I thank y'all beyond measure ,and my words cannot express all the gratitude that I'm feeling right now at reading all your replies to this,wow and I'd been nervous about this all day wondering how it was gonna go with so my sharing it.just old feelings coming up their gone now.i love you all to the moon and back don't know what I'd do without you......hugs ....lu I'm barely able to see for my tears now.....
lookingup said
Sep 10, 2016
I'm truly a miracle in progress and God has blessed me well here,with finding alanon ,and y'all,mip
hotrod said
Sep 10, 2016
((LU)) You are indeed a Miracle in Progress and it is a privilege to share your recovery.
lookingup said
Sep 11, 2016
Thanks Betty and thanks for your wisdom,I will surly add bravery and courageous to my assets list I thank you dearly,I enjoyed my tears yesterday after reading all the replies here for they were happy tears for onced,and I so hope that my share can and does help someone I hope they can share their stories also .my thinking is now on this share is that my childhood and teen yrs could have been one way that has blocked me from my hp ,being raised in a alcoholic home and been moplested and raped at such young ages I'm sure has blocked or been blocking my recovery in many ways ,I wasn't raised in church and so didn't know God and then all the other happened put me into a state of shock I'm sure I can't remember everything about the sit.but I do remember and I know when it does cross my mind it hurts ,hurts bad,lots of shame with both incidents,I felt lost really lost ,and no telling what ways it has affected me that I'm so very unaware of,I never thought it affected me thought it was over with in the past but no it was oonly pushed back way back into my subconscious mind sitting there waiting to wreck my life in other ways,yes I do still struggle with a hp today and until I can be able to see more of how those sit.has affected me throughout my life I'm gonna be stuck in a lot of diff.ways....if anybody can help me with maybe seeing all these ways of how it has hurt me in my recovery ,plz ,I welcome you to share with me ,us ,your thoughts also,,,,plz..........love lu
Calm Lady said
Sep 11, 2016
Hugs to you, LU. So sorry that happened to you.
Glad you got some relief from sharing and crying.
lookingup said
Sep 11, 2016
Thank you calm lady....
pinkchip said
Sep 11, 2016
I applaud you for sharing that. I suspect having messed up people in your life (addicts and alcoholics) distracts you from focusing and dealing with this stuff. You have bravely detached from your qualifiers and now are left with all of your own stuff to cope with.
I am so sorry this happened to you, but I think you working on it now is progress because it would be much easier to just let another messed up addict into your life/house and focus on them instead and never deal with you. So kudos for that!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 11th of September 2016 10:42:13 AM
lookingup said
Sep 11, 2016
Thank you pinkchip for your much needed wisdom here,yes I now thinking I'm on the path of recovery from those traumatic sit.....I'm one with a bleeding heart to ......:( :)
I don't know where to begin with this story it's something I've been holding back on all my life without any help of what to do with it,so I thought sharing my story with you all might help maybe I can get closure with it ,making a long story short ,I as a young child 4 or 5 years old ,there was 2 teenage boys living next door to us me my mom and dad and 6 siblings I was being molested every time I came outside to play by the 2 teenage boys so made it scary to come out to play,nobody knew about this ever the teens put a lot of fear into me if I told so there I was stuck with having to deal with it still don't know how I dealt with it this all happened back in the 60s and then again in my teenage years I was raped at age 13 by a 18 yr old ,early 70s ,again I kept my mouth shut as it was me and my sister both that got raped at same time sister being the oldest told me to just be quiet about it and pretend it didn't never happen so I did so did she,fast forwarding to the 80s I went on and got married ,happily married to my 1st alcoholic husband we had 2 kids and fought the whole 20 yrs of our marriage then it ended in divorce I was a nagger at best,while his decease progressed to harder drugs my world crumbled,sex was a tool I used ,my distorted thinking was sex was the only way to keep a man or get a man was through sex,and don't know what even gave me that idea,.ive been to counseling over the yrs with my molesting and rape only to hear counselors say that's in the past to forget it and move on,easy for them to say that and I never dealt with it,except I do remember all the shame it brought me for yrs I felt ashamed of myself,and saddened maybe felt self pity also and the anger the anger I felt was bad ,the man that set it up to rape me and sister still lives in my town here he runs a plumbing business so I have to see him all over town in his truck,he was just one person that was in on it there were 6 men ages 18 and up in on it and they used a date rape drug on us.the others are still around here just can vaguely remember them,still angers me today when I run into one of them,and sadness still some shame just so young just a child and a baby when i was 4 ,couldn't understand how a hp could or would allow something as tragic as that to happen to a baby guess I'm still struggling with the concept of a hp when I have a flashback of back then..........anyways thanks for letting me get this out ,needed to be gotten out.........hugs lu ......
I'm holding you in my heart today Lookingup (((((hugs))))))
Being able to tell others and to be accepted with a hug and an acknowledgement from the folks around us seemed to help me process a rape in my past. My medicine, when I realised that I needed to heal, was to embrace life and seek out soothing, inspiring, esteem building enjoyment.
You are a beautiful person and if I could lift that shame feeling from you I surely would. It is a word that belongs to the perpetrators and not to you. I am so grateful that you have brought your story here so we can share the load a bit and tell you how much we appreciate having you in our world.
Huge (((((hugs))))) to every bit of you - the child, the teenager and the adult.
-- Edited by milkwood on Saturday 10th of September 2016 01:14:20 AM
What I do know is that it takes courage to forgive. I don't think I have been able to fully do this yet myself, but I hope to one day.
If you feel up to it, you may want to look back to some older posts of yours and see how far you have come. I have personally seen tremendous growth and think you are on the right track.
Bless You!
Hi lookingup, thanks for sharing your story and i hope it has helped to get it out. I think there will be many people who can relate in some way to what you have been through. I think that where addiction and alcoholism lives then sexual abuse can also thrive along with many other parts of life that are not good. For me when i think of truamatic parts of my life now i have tools to remember these times and i dont have to feel the feelings i felt at the time. Its not happening to me any more. Its over. I believe most children are victims of adults to some degree. What i loved learning in alanon was that the adults in my childhood are or were imperfect human beings most likely doing the best with what they had and therefor i can forgive them just about anything. I dont forgive them for them but to give me freedom from the idea that i was and still am a victim in my life. Children truly are powerless and when we grow we are powerless to change anything that happened in our childhood. I believe alanon helps us put it into perspective. We dont have to look back and stare and bring up all the old feelings. Looking back and re thinking it so that its much more comfortable to live with in this day has been my goal because ive only got this one life and this day is all i have and i want to make as many days as i can good ones.x
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Your questioning HP's power and existence, due to these terrible experiences is legitimate. I know many including myself who have done likewise. Pray for guidance and know that these powerful awareness and your acceptance by sharing of them, are your first step toward a healthy life.
Please continue to share here and write your asset and gratitude list daily I see you can now add courageous,and brave to the list.
Remember the 3 As awareness acceptance and action. I found the best action for me was to pray for guidance and ask HP to lift the pain.
Thanks for being here.
Glad you got some relief from sharing and crying.
I applaud you for sharing that. I suspect having messed up people in your life (addicts and alcoholics) distracts you from focusing and dealing with this stuff. You have bravely detached from your qualifiers and now are left with all of your own stuff to cope with.
I am so sorry this happened to you, but I think you working on it now is progress because it would be much easier to just let another messed up addict into your life/house and focus on them instead and never deal with you. So kudos for that!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 11th of September 2016 10:42:13 AM