what do i do with my despise for bars, alcohol and people who drink?
jocelgp said
Sep 9, 2016
Just the thought of bars, pubs, people who drink, occasions with drinking makes me feel so negative, disgusted, nauseated at the worse. I know this feeling is "abnormal" and effect of my daily living with AH. But somehow I feel I should be able to remove this feeling, let them be, don't mind them. I need not like them but how do I get this feeling out of my system. My assessment is that this negative feeling is hampering my growth and progress. Am I right in my assessment?
Mattie said
Sep 9, 2016
Sometimes we do have these feelings and my own thought is that they're telling us we're in pain. Otherwise we could regard these things sadly but with compassion. Like what about people who have made mistakes and had traffic accidents? If they have only hurt themselves, you probably think, "Oh, that's too bad, it would be horrible to have that on my conscience and to realize I was the cause of my accident." But if you had been hurt in the accident, you'd probably be furious with them. It takes a lot more distance to have compassion for people who have caused us pain.
One thing my therapist told me once is that it is far easier to get good perspective and distance on things that are no longer affecting me. So it's harder to forgive an abusive boyfriend (if it's even advisable) when he keeps on dishing out the abuse. It's easier several years after you've separated and you've moved on to a better life.
I wonder if there are ways to get more distance in your life. Those are my thoughts.
el-cee said
Sep 9, 2016
I was like this too for years but working the program, getting more understanding of the disease, accepting life on lifes terms more and more helped me accept that everyone and everything is exactly where they should be and now I feel none of that anymore. Its such a relief to not have extreme viewpoints on people and places. Keep working your program, dont be hard on yourself, it took a bit of time for this to come and real dedication to changing my thought processes.
jocelgp said
Sep 9, 2016
It's so hard getting over this. This feeling is more intense with my husband's FOO which includes, alcoholic father (died already), alcoholic brother & indifferent siblings, enabling mother), as well as his friends who either drinks w/ him or enjoy his company even when he drinks. I hope I will find the tools to battle this as this feeling is really making me sick.
Mattie said
Sep 9, 2016
Do you need to be around them? I don't know your life situation, but it sounds as if some distance would be a helpful thing. Maybe distance from your A, I don't know. The important thing is to remember that we always have options. Maybe not instantly, but if we plan ahead. If you stay around any of these people, including your A, it should be because you've decided it's worth it, not because you feel stuck in a situation you hate. Take good care of yourself!
Iamhere said
Sep 9, 2016
When I got to Al-Anon, I was very broken, hopeless, angry and miserable. Most of us affected by the disease have developed negative thinking processes to combat the disease. I believe just by writing this, you can see that it doesn't seem logical to resent bars, drinkers, substances, etc. Yet - it happens and it's real because we too have been affected by the disease. I know I had many misplaced resentments - if only that liquor store had not opened down the street, if only those friends didn't invite him out, if only .... It was my own insanity trying to blame anyone or anything else for the disease and how it had affected my life.
I agree with El-Cee - the best way for me to deal with my own insanity caused by this disease was to work on me with recovery - the tools, steps, meetings, fellowship helped me find my authentic truth and to live my life accordingly one day at a time with acceptance, grace and faith.
I am a huge believer in awareness. When we are aware of an issue and look for our part in it, we're half way to the solution. Keep processing and keep reaching out for help - that's the way recovery works...
(((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Sep 9, 2016
I found that working the Steps especially 4 through 11 help me to shed my anger, resentment, self pity and fear.
I know that you are unable to attend meetings but we do have a Step Bord here that might help
jocelgp said
Sep 9, 2016
Hi Betty,
I did the Step Board but didn't finish it, I found it very hard to answer some of the questions :( Sometimes I end up answering them in a hurry because I just squeeze it in between job and household chores
serenity47 said
Sep 9, 2016
Time and distance has been a healing balm in my life. The steps in my experience are there to be worked over and over again as I come u against new challenges in my life. I encourage you to keep at it.
KennyFenderjazz said
Sep 9, 2016
Hi jocelgp
Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. 3As. Very important for me. Much of the time awareness is the hardest one for me, since I can happily wander around clueless for long amounts of time. Denial is still a big survival skill for me, that I am slowly doing away with.
Sounds like you have good awareness, for me the next step would be acceptance. Can you accept that these things are there, and that there is really nothing you can do about them? For me, even practicing Step 1, admitting that I am powerless over alcohol, could help me with this, especially since it is so closely related to alcohol and not just generalized anger.
Once I have done a thorough Acceptance, sometimes I find the action is just keep up the awareness. Often there is something else, such as an amends that needs to be done, or detachment as has been suggested above. But the action without the acceptance just brings the whole thing back for me, I've gotta go in that order.
Kenny
Freetime said
Sep 9, 2016
Hi Jocel, I agree with that time, distance, and staying connected with Alanon will help. I compare it with having surgery to fix something that is wrong with us. There is pain after surgery, but with time and the right therapy we feel stronger and eventually are better than before. Be gentle with yourself.
hotrod said
Sep 9, 2016
Hi J To answer your statement regarding the Step Board Just keep on chipping away at the Step Questions and answer what you can. Trust the process. One day you, like myself will wake up and the negative destructive anger will be lifted.
a4l said
Sep 9, 2016
Hugs Jocelgp. Lots of good esh here, I've none to add just wanted to send support.
Calm Lady said
Sep 10, 2016
I worked my program and as Betty shares, one day I woke up and the negative anger was gone. I have heard others share of this miracle happening too. I was a very angry lady for a long time, it was lifted away.
This gift of a program works. I work it from my heart. I never thought I would reach peace calmness and serenity. I have.
Just the thought of bars, pubs, people who drink, occasions with drinking makes me feel so negative, disgusted, nauseated at the worse. I know this feeling is "abnormal" and effect of my daily living with AH. But somehow I feel I should be able to remove this feeling, let them be, don't mind them. I need not like them but how do I get this feeling out of my system. My assessment is that this negative feeling is hampering my growth and progress. Am I right in my assessment?
Sometimes we do have these feelings and my own thought is that they're telling us we're in pain. Otherwise we could regard these things sadly but with compassion. Like what about people who have made mistakes and had traffic accidents? If they have only hurt themselves, you probably think, "Oh, that's too bad, it would be horrible to have that on my conscience and to realize I was the cause of my accident." But if you had been hurt in the accident, you'd probably be furious with them. It takes a lot more distance to have compassion for people who have caused us pain.
One thing my therapist told me once is that it is far easier to get good perspective and distance on things that are no longer affecting me. So it's harder to forgive an abusive boyfriend (if it's even advisable) when he keeps on dishing out the abuse. It's easier several years after you've separated and you've moved on to a better life.
I wonder if there are ways to get more distance in your life. Those are my thoughts.
I was like this too for years but working the program, getting more understanding of the disease, accepting life on lifes terms more and more helped me accept that everyone and everything is exactly where they should be and now I feel none of that anymore. Its such a relief to not have extreme viewpoints on people and places. Keep working your program, dont be hard on yourself, it took a bit of time for this to come and real dedication to changing my thought processes.
Do you need to be around them? I don't know your life situation, but it sounds as if some distance would be a helpful thing. Maybe distance from your A, I don't know. The important thing is to remember that we always have options. Maybe not instantly, but if we plan ahead. If you stay around any of these people, including your A, it should be because you've decided it's worth it, not because you feel stuck in a situation you hate. Take good care of yourself!
I agree with El-Cee - the best way for me to deal with my own insanity caused by this disease was to work on me with recovery - the tools, steps, meetings, fellowship helped me find my authentic truth and to live my life accordingly one day at a time with acceptance, grace and faith.
I am a huge believer in awareness. When we are aware of an issue and look for our part in it, we're half way to the solution. Keep processing and keep reaching out for help - that's the way recovery works...
(((Hugs)))
I know that you are unable to attend meetings but we do have a Step Bord here that might help
I did the Step Board but didn't finish it, I found it very hard to answer some of the questions :( Sometimes I end up answering them in a hurry because I just squeeze it in between job and household chores
Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. 3As. Very important for me. Much of the time awareness is the hardest one for me, since I can happily wander around clueless for long amounts of time. Denial is still a big survival skill for me, that I am slowly doing away with.
Sounds like you have good awareness, for me the next step would be acceptance. Can you accept that these things are there, and that there is really nothing you can do about them? For me, even practicing Step 1, admitting that I am powerless over alcohol, could help me with this, especially since it is so closely related to alcohol and not just generalized anger.
Once I have done a thorough Acceptance, sometimes I find the action is just keep up the awareness. Often there is something else, such as an amends that needs to be done, or detachment as has been suggested above. But the action without the acceptance just brings the whole thing back for me, I've gotta go in that order.
Kenny
This gift of a program works. I work it from my heart. I never thought I would reach peace calmness and serenity. I have.