What a wonderful group, I'm so grateful to be a part of this :)
So I've been married to a functional alco for 7 years, and like so many others have run to gamut of trying to cope with/change the situation. I found peace when I learned that none of my tactics had any effect (other then tiring me out), so I detached, set some safety boundaries (like he will not be driving me if having more then 2 drinks) and learning to get on with my life as best I can (that's a WIP :)
On a recent vacation we went tubing on a river, where drinking is very prevalent. Personally I love rivers and enjoyed the experience but DH chose to drink 10 drinks over the course of 3-4 hours. I was pretty detatched with it but when we went to drive home he turned to me and said "I'm good to drive". I calmly replied "I'd prefer to drive" and drove us the 40 mins home. He was pretty upset the ride home and even snapped his cell phone in half, but my boundaries always win out...I finally have a self protective instinct. When we got home he passed out in a chair...in no world could I have trusted this person to drive us home.
So I'm happy that I stuck to my guns, but it's also tiring to constantly have to do so. Any tips to keeping my energy up while still being aware of what's going on to the extent that I stay safe? Thanks in advance
hotrod said
Sep 7, 2016
Good work Midnight Owl .
I found that taking care of myself meant that I made sure i had 8 hours sleep, read my meditation books each day, prepared a gratitude list daily and attended meetings often.
My ability to handle life on life's terms seemed to increase with each effort. Good Luck.
Calm Lady said
Sep 7, 2016
Well done. I also found it very tiring to enforce my boundaries at first, as discussed in another post, an A will often push hard against them especially at first.
I stuck with it. Gave myself plenty of rest, quiet time, fluids, good food.
Bethany66 said
Sep 7, 2016
Good job Midnight Owl. It is exhausting living with active alcoholism, isn't it? I find that it is better to do what I need to do for myself and live with the possible fallout from my AH, than to live with myself with no boundaries. But sometimes it can be overwhelming and we just need a rest. I get it, for sure. I agree that good sleep at night is invaluable to me in helping me cope with the day in and out struggles.
Jerry F said
Sep 7, 2016
(((((Midnight Owl))))) it appears that you have created a mindset with behavior that will save your life when you stand by it in spite of the alcoholics behaviors to tire you out and get you to relent. That is how the disease works and I applaud your response to it and the outcome. It is sad when anyone has to live in resistance to this fatal disease. Glad you are here with us and have shared your experience which can be applied by others. Mahalo. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Sep 7, 2016
Welcome to MIP Midnight Owl - so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I applaud you for sticking to your boundaries and living in your truth. I too remember how exhausting it was to practice new behaviors in the beginning and agree that it does get easier with practice and time. Meetings, literature and my sponsor helped me to look for what is good/working each day instead of what is not working. As part of my self-care, I walk my dog each day and also run 4-5 miles. I believe that energy spent creates renewed energy so exercise has been my go-to for helping my energy. We've also been eating healthier and cleaner and it does seem to affect not just my energy but my mood stability.
Keep working your program and keep coming back - glad you are a part of our journey!!!
e_i_m said
Sep 7, 2016
Hi Midnight Owl and welcome! Sticking to boundaries is really hard for me, too, and something I'm working on daily. I think it gets easier as it becomes natural. "Fake it til you make it" as they say. Sounds like you're doing great! Change is hard for me. But I'm trying -- progress not perfection.
Enigmatic said
Sep 7, 2016
Welcome, Midnight, glad you're here! I couldn't help recalling some of my feelings of fatigue along the way, and comparing the difference in how I felt before and after I found AlAnon...still a challenge, but what an incredible difference: With AlAnon, I had hope, and I knew how I could find strength: daily readings, meditation, and meetings.
There is no easy way, but there certainly is an easier way, and I am so grateful for the guidance. Hang in there
MidnightOwl said
Sep 7, 2016
HotRod- thanks for the reminder to come back to self care and what I need to feel better :)
Calm Lady - love your nickname, and good to know that there's usually more friction when first enforcing new boundaries, that's motivating!
Bethany66 - Thanks! Yes it is and I like very much the way you put it. Living without boundaries IS far more painful/traumatic. That's a great reminder when I feel fatigued, way worth it.
Jerry F - Your kind words are much appreciated, thank you for them and validating my experience. It is a challenge to be in this position and it's so helpful to have this community to connect with.
Iamhere - I like that, looking for what is good in every day. That's a great reminder and much needed at times. For me, it can be too easy to forgo my meditation, exercise, stretches, etc and I appreciate the examples and reminders of how important it is to take care of me. Thanks for the reminder to value taking care of myself.
e_i_m - Yes, that makes sense that it's extra challenging until it becomes natural, I need to keep that in mind. Thank you for that :)
Enigmatic - Hope is everything isn't it? I'm happy to hear that AlAnon has helped you so much, I look forward to getting to know the program more thoroughly.
John said
Sep 8, 2016
What I read indicates you put the healthy boundaries on yourself and you are HONORING yourself when you are true in regards to them. Well, heck yeah, cool beans! Smells like Al-Anon to me.... good healthy Al-Anon. Putting boundaries on a active alcoholic or addict and expecting them to honor it sets the stage for a lot of disappointments, upsets, invasion of space, mental and emotional whirlwinds, adult babysitting, lies, and so forth. When I place my boundaries on ME, and I use the word "I", and keep the word "you" out of the boundary, I am taking ownership of it and responsibility to honor it.
"I value my life and health, therefore I will not ride with someone who is under the influence". Driver is sober, or I don't roll. I want to stay alive and enjoy life."
What a self empowering boundary this is! This is all about you, the "I". It has no bearing on someone else, nor are you placing it on someone who is abnormal and expecting a normal, healthy response. This is about you... honoring yourself. Placing boundaries on the only person who can really be responsible for the adherence of it, respecting it and honoring it.
Now, on the other hand, we could do the "You been drinking and I'm not going anywhere with your drunk ass driving!" or "Honey, if you are drinking from now on, I am driving agreed?" You just volunteered to be a alcoholics taxicab. because if you are not true to the boundary you agreed to with the alcoholic, they will not likely be true to their part of the agreement either.
This approach is really about the alcoholic... "you, you, you, you..."
The alcoholic cringes when they hear the word "You", simply because what is coming after it, usually isn't fun, loving, warm and fussy stuff. "You don't remember what you did last night? You wrecked the car again? When are you going to get off your ass and get a job? Don't you care at all, not even enough to stop drinking every day? You...." That word has the ability to shut them down, guards go up, defensive switching to offensive, the shield is up and when that happens, they can't be reached. Whereas the word "I" is not about them and therefore, it poses no real threat to them. It says" I love you... and I love me too"
Okay I have ranted, and now I'm mumbling... time to get this old body laid down..
John
MidnightOwl said
Sep 8, 2016
What great insight John, thank you for that response!
I really liked that you differentiated setting a boundary contingent upon them vs setting our own internal boundaries. That is so, so important to learn, as it plays out in a variety of situations in our daily lives. We can't wait for them to come around and start respecting these boundaries.
To that, depending on the type of person you are with, overtly stating boundaries can be problematic. This recent experience of mine was the worst in a few years, he hasn't been that overtly irresponsible in a while. I remembered that about a month ago I stated to him that I will not put up with another DUI from him ever again. I didn't immediately relate the two but I think they are related. He can have a contrarian streak to him and I think this was his challenging that boundary. So it's something to be aware of, that push back, it may make sense to keep those boundaries to yourself until you feel well situated in them and confident in enforcing them. But everyone is different after all :)
Hi all,
What a wonderful group, I'm so grateful to be a part of this :)
So I've been married to a functional alco for 7 years, and like so many others have run to gamut of trying to cope with/change the situation. I found peace when I learned that none of my tactics had any effect (other then tiring me out), so I detached, set some safety boundaries (like he will not be driving me if having more then 2 drinks) and learning to get on with my life as best I can (that's a WIP :)
On a recent vacation we went tubing on a river, where drinking is very prevalent. Personally I love rivers and enjoyed the experience but DH chose to drink 10 drinks over the course of 3-4 hours. I was pretty detatched with it but when we went to drive home he turned to me and said "I'm good to drive". I calmly replied "I'd prefer to drive" and drove us the 40 mins home. He was pretty upset the ride home and even snapped his cell phone in half, but my boundaries always win out...I finally have a self protective instinct. When we got home he passed out in a chair...in no world could I have trusted this person to drive us home.
So I'm happy that I stuck to my guns, but it's also tiring to constantly have to do so. Any tips to keeping my energy up while still being aware of what's going on to the extent that I stay safe? Thanks in advance
I found that taking care of myself meant that I made sure i had 8 hours sleep, read my meditation books each day, prepared a gratitude list daily and attended meetings often.
My ability to handle life on life's terms seemed to increase with each effort. Good Luck.
I stuck with it. Gave myself plenty of rest, quiet time, fluids, good food.
(((((Midnight Owl))))) it appears that you have created a mindset with behavior that will save your life when you stand by it in spite of the alcoholics behaviors to tire you out and get you to relent. That is how the disease works and I applaud your response to it and the outcome. It is sad when anyone has to live in resistance to this fatal disease. Glad you are here with us and have shared your experience which can be applied by others. Mahalo. (((hugs)))
Keep working your program and keep coming back - glad you are a part of our journey!!!
Hi Midnight Owl and welcome! Sticking to boundaries is really hard for me, too, and something I'm working on daily. I think it gets easier as it becomes natural. "Fake it til you make it" as they say. Sounds like you're doing great! Change is hard for me. But I'm trying -- progress not perfection.
There is no easy way, but there certainly is an easier way, and I am so grateful for the guidance. Hang in there
HotRod- thanks for the reminder to come back to self care and what I need to feel better :)
Calm Lady - love your nickname, and good to know that there's usually more friction when first enforcing new boundaries, that's motivating!
Bethany66 - Thanks! Yes it is and I like very much the way you put it. Living without boundaries IS far more painful/traumatic. That's a great reminder when I feel fatigued, way worth it.
Jerry F - Your kind words are much appreciated, thank you for them and validating my experience. It is a challenge to be in this position and it's so helpful to have this community to connect with.
Iamhere - I like that, looking for what is good in every day. That's a great reminder and much needed at times. For me, it can be too easy to forgo my meditation, exercise, stretches, etc and I appreciate the examples and reminders of how important it is to take care of me. Thanks for the reminder to value taking care of myself.
e_i_m - Yes, that makes sense that it's extra challenging until it becomes natural, I need to keep that in mind. Thank you for that :)
Enigmatic - Hope is everything isn't it? I'm happy to hear that AlAnon has helped you so much, I look forward to getting to know the program more thoroughly.
What I read indicates you put the healthy boundaries on yourself and you are HONORING yourself when you are true in regards to them. Well, heck yeah, cool beans! Smells like Al-Anon to me.... good healthy Al-Anon. Putting boundaries on a active alcoholic or addict and expecting them to honor it sets the stage for a lot of disappointments, upsets, invasion of space, mental and emotional whirlwinds, adult babysitting, lies, and so forth. When I place my boundaries on ME, and I use the word "I", and keep the word "you" out of the boundary, I am taking ownership of it and responsibility to honor it.
"I value my life and health, therefore I will not ride with someone who is under the influence". Driver is sober, or I don't roll. I want to stay alive and enjoy life."
What a self empowering boundary this is! This is all about you, the "I". It has no bearing on someone else, nor are you placing it on someone who is abnormal and expecting a normal, healthy response. This is about you... honoring yourself. Placing boundaries on the only person who can really be responsible for the adherence of it, respecting it and honoring it.
Now, on the other hand, we could do the "You been drinking and I'm not going anywhere with your drunk ass driving!" or "Honey, if you are drinking from now on, I am driving agreed?" You just volunteered to be a alcoholics taxicab. because if you are not true to the boundary you agreed to with the alcoholic, they will not likely be true to their part of the agreement either.
This approach is really about the alcoholic... "you, you, you, you..."
The alcoholic cringes when they hear the word "You", simply because what is coming after it, usually isn't fun, loving, warm and fussy stuff. "You don't remember what you did last night? You wrecked the car again? When are you going to get off your ass and get a job? Don't you care at all, not even enough to stop drinking every day? You...." That word has the ability to shut them down, guards go up, defensive switching to offensive, the shield is up and when that happens, they can't be reached. Whereas the word "I" is not about them and therefore, it poses no real threat to them. It says" I love you... and I love me too"
Okay I have ranted, and now I'm mumbling... time to get this old body laid down..
John
What great insight John, thank you for that response!
I really liked that you differentiated setting a boundary contingent upon them vs setting our own internal boundaries. That is so, so important to learn, as it plays out in a variety of situations in our daily lives. We can't wait for them to come around and start respecting these boundaries.
To that, depending on the type of person you are with, overtly stating boundaries can be problematic. This recent experience of mine was the worst in a few years, he hasn't been that overtly irresponsible in a while. I remembered that about a month ago I stated to him that I will not put up with another DUI from him ever again. I didn't immediately relate the two but I think they are related. He can have a contrarian streak to him and I think this was his challenging that boundary. So it's something to be aware of, that push back, it may make sense to keep those boundaries to yourself until you feel well situated in them and confident in enforcing them. But everyone is different after all :)