I'm new to this message board, but I have been attending Al-Anon meetings since March. I'm slowly but surely working on my recovery. However, today was hard, and I needed an outlet.
Long story short: My BF and I work together. I'm a manager, he isn't. He's not on my team, so there's no conflict of interest with the company day-to-day. He's been in outpatient treatment for a week and a half. He was allegedly sober for 6 days before his recent binge that led him to go to work drunk. I knew immediately after speaking to him, and I told him to go home. He eventually did and told his boss he didn't feel well. I drove him home and went back to work myself.
Now, I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. As part of the employee handbook, I am supposed to report violations to company policy. I can be disciplined if I don't. It's mine to report, but also not mine to report. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I let him face his consequences if I don't meddle. But I already meddled and now I don't know what to do.
I know Al-anon isn't about giving advice, but i desperately need some.
Jerry F said
Sep 6, 2016
after12 our consequences come from our choices and I learned in the program I had to own my own individually...I learned not to point the finger in blame and to just own up to it all. Waiting to see...the what ifs and what if nots no longer had a hold on me after I owned up to my choices. Our recovery helps us to grow up straight and we have to do the work to find that it works. My sponsor use to ask me this question a lot until I learned to ask it of my self...."What was your part in it". You'll live thru the consequences which I see will come from two directions. (((hugs))) Keep coming back.
jojo8466 said
Sep 7, 2016
I feel that you don't need to say anything - if your BF has begun drinking again it will become very obvious to everyone in his workplace including his boss and his boss will deal with him following the policies set forth by the company you work for. Your BF has nobody to blame but himself when that happens and if he asks you if you turned him in you can then honestly say that you had nothing to do with his getting reprimanded. This of course if just my opinion and how I would handle the situation. You have to do what you feel is best in your heart for yourself and be able to live with your decision.
geems said
Sep 7, 2016
Jerry F wrote:
after12 our consequences come from our choices and I learned in the program I had to own my own individually...I learned not to point the finger in blame and to just own up to it all. Waiting to see...the what ifs and what if nots no longer had a hold on me after I owned up to my choices. Our recovery helps us to grow up straight and we have to do the work to find that it works. My sponsor use to ask me this question a lot until I learned to ask it of my self...."What was your part in it". You'll live thru the consequences which I see will come from two directions. (((hugs))) Keep coming back.
That is brilliant. How to stay accountable and responsible to ones own recovery and to others?.... Ask yourself "what was my part in it" when one finds themselves in conflict.
Iamhere said
Sep 7, 2016
At times like this, I have to pull out my tools and use them. Two that came to my mind immediately were, "Act as if...." - for me, this would mean act as if he were just another staff member found intoxicated in the work place." The second - "To thine own self be true" - self-care and self-protection include all facets of my life - including my income.
I personally would never put my own paycheck at risk for another person, no matter the relationship including my own children. I prefer to not go down with the ship if I can save myself.
(((Hugs))) - so glad to hear you are attending Al-Anon and that you are working on your own recovery. I learned through my own journey that each time I did what was easy instead of what was right/truth, it made me feel yucky on the inside. I don't do well any longer living with secrets, half-truths, cover-ups, etc. I can honestly say that I am no longer good at deception - and it feels great!!
Keep coming back - we're all just a post away!
l8after12 said
Sep 7, 2016
Thanks, everyone. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I feel better about life today. I'm going to love my life and let him live his. Working together and living together just makes it a bit more difficult.
tiredtonite said
Sep 7, 2016
From what you've posted, I don't see where he has put you in an impossible position. He is not your direct report. He's reporting feeling ill to his supervisor and got permission to go home. I would say the accountability lies equally with himself and his own supervisor for any further action.
You advised him to go home and you left your job to drive him home during work hours. Alanon is a program of self focus. If I were in your situation, I would be asking myself how taking these actions affected how I felt, how it influenced the rest of my workday, my production. Did I fully contribute in the capacity of my role at work or did getting involved in this situation with my boyfriend impede my performance on the job? I might read some readings on boundaries and take a look at what boundaries I have in place because of personal relationship with someone in my workplace. Are they healthy? Do they honor myself and the other person? These are just some things I might consider. You'll do what's best for you. Please take what you liked if anything and leave the rest.
Wishing you the best in a difficult situation. ((((hugs)))) TT
I'm new to this message board, but I have been attending Al-Anon meetings since March. I'm slowly but surely working on my recovery. However, today was hard, and I needed an outlet.
Long story short: My BF and I work together. I'm a manager, he isn't. He's not on my team, so there's no conflict of interest with the company day-to-day. He's been in outpatient treatment for a week and a half. He was allegedly sober for 6 days before his recent binge that led him to go to work drunk. I knew immediately after speaking to him, and I told him to go home. He eventually did and told his boss he didn't feel well. I drove him home and went back to work myself.
Now, I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. As part of the employee handbook, I am supposed to report violations to company policy. I can be disciplined if I don't. It's mine to report, but also not mine to report. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I let him face his consequences if I don't meddle. But I already meddled and now I don't know what to do.
I know Al-anon isn't about giving advice, but i desperately need some.
after12 our consequences come from our choices and I learned in the program I had to own my own individually...I learned not to point the finger in blame and to just own up to it all. Waiting to see...the what ifs and what if nots no longer had a hold on me after I owned up to my choices. Our recovery helps us to grow up straight and we have to do the work to find that it works. My sponsor use to ask me this question a lot until I learned to ask it of my self...."What was your part in it". You'll live thru the consequences which I see will come from two directions. (((hugs)))
Keep coming back.
That is brilliant. How to stay accountable and responsible to ones own recovery and to others?.... Ask yourself "what was my part in it" when one finds themselves in conflict.
I personally would never put my own paycheck at risk for another person, no matter the relationship including my own children. I prefer to not go down with the ship if I can save myself.
(((Hugs))) - so glad to hear you are attending Al-Anon and that you are working on your own recovery. I learned through my own journey that each time I did what was easy instead of what was right/truth, it made me feel yucky on the inside. I don't do well any longer living with secrets, half-truths, cover-ups, etc. I can honestly say that I am no longer good at deception - and it feels great!!
Keep coming back - we're all just a post away!
From what you've posted, I don't see where he has put you in an impossible position. He is not your direct report. He's reporting feeling ill to his supervisor and got permission to go home. I would say the accountability lies equally with himself and his own supervisor for any further action.
You advised him to go home and you left your job to drive him home during work hours. Alanon is a program of self focus. If I were in your situation, I would be asking myself how taking these actions affected how I felt, how it influenced the rest of my workday, my production. Did I fully contribute in the capacity of my role at work or did getting involved in this situation with my boyfriend impede my performance on the job? I might read some readings on boundaries and take a look at what boundaries I have in place because of personal relationship with someone in my workplace. Are they healthy? Do they honor myself and the other person? These are just some things I might consider. You'll do what's best for you. Please take what you liked if anything and leave the rest.
Wishing you the best in a difficult situation. ((((hugs)))) TT