I had a previously-planned trip this past weekend with an old friend. It came at a great time for me as I'm processing having recently broken up with ABF and reflecting on my choices and behaviors. My friend came into a little windfall and he paid for and planned this whole trip. I surrendered and let him do it all. This is *so* unlike my past behavior. I did zero research about where we were going and did no planning at all. He came late to pick me up and we nearly missed the plane (they actually held it for us), and I just said, "well, we can always take another one if we miss this flight." In the past, I would have resented him and felt like I had to take over everything. He had many pieces set up and others we just improvised. And it was all fine. We had a wonderful vacation and met lots of great people and saw beautiful sights and had nice time together and apart. I frequently spent time thinking about my exABF and wishing he were there -- and as I did this I often came to realize that what I was imagining was a total fantasy, and when I came to realize that, I did my best to focus on the reality of being on a beautiful Carribean island (hello?!?!, why am I stewing over imagined time with ex when I could be feeling the actual sun on my skin and floating in mineral water??).
My friend has some mental health issues and learning disabilities; he also has A tendencies. We've been friends for 20+ years and I've seen him go though good times and bad times. We talked a lot about relationship stuff. He talked about his long-term relationship with his ex and how the ex made my friend feel bad and incompetent by trying to control him. My friend said that the ex and his parents (the ex's) would make snide put-downs about his mental capacity, his race, his education, and his work status. His bf never stood up for him against his parents.They tried to make decisions for him and it made him feel stupid and incompetent. It also made him feel unloved and unsupported by his ex. My friend came to believe that he was unlovable and that this was his lot in life. He eventually broke free, but even years on, he is still deeply affected by this relationship and hasn't been in a serious relationship since. I was moved by my friend's story of how his bf's behavior made him feel.
I saw so many parallels in the way that I have dealt with people in my life. I have been controlling and domineering and have felt that the alcholics and addicts (parents, friends, partners, coworkers) were not able to make good decisions, so therefore I had to make those decisions for them and it made me feel pity for them for what I perceived as their incompetence and then I resented them for what I perceived was their lack of living up to my expectations.
By spending this healing time with my friend and having truly no expectations except that all would be well, I was able to put into practice several al-anon tools. I was also able to hear from someone the damage that controlling, expectation-filled, resentful behavior can have on the person who's on the receiving end of it. I hope that I will be able to bring this to mind the next time I start to go down that path with someone of thinking that I know best. I learned a lot on this trip and am so grateful to my friend for putting it all together and for my HP for helping me to be open to all I saw and heard on the trip.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2016
Great, great share! I am so glad you had a great time and were able to live, let live and learn! I can so relate to 'seeing my part' - I too had been controlling and dominating in my role with my qualifiers, and when I began to see the truth, my layers began to come down. I had put up the tallest walls possible in an effort to change others and protect me and I truly did not see the harm and damage inflicted until/unless I was able to listen with an open mind and work this program with an open heart.
Sun soaking in mineral water - sounds......fabulous!! May your friend heal too - sharing is a big step towards freedom - I am certain he was grateful you were there to listen!
(((Hugs)))
el-cee said
Sep 6, 2016
Thank you for this share. I find your open heart and your awareness and ability to actually see this inspirational for me because I think of my own behaviour and controlling and judgement and I am so thankful that I get to practice loving detachment towards my grown children. If it had not been for Alanon I would still be thinking I had how to life sussed out and those not living to my specifics were doing it wrong. I doubt very much I would have the relationships with my kids that I am delighted to have today and its because I watch my expectations, I dont have all the answers, I listen and I know that their mistakes are their learning and ultimately theirs and not mine.x
I had a previously-planned trip this past weekend with an old friend. It came at a great time for me as I'm processing having recently broken up with ABF and reflecting on my choices and behaviors. My friend came into a little windfall and he paid for and planned this whole trip. I surrendered and let him do it all. This is *so* unlike my past behavior. I did zero research about where we were going and did no planning at all. He came late to pick me up and we nearly missed the plane (they actually held it for us), and I just said, "well, we can always take another one if we miss this flight." In the past, I would have resented him and felt like I had to take over everything. He had many pieces set up and others we just improvised. And it was all fine. We had a wonderful vacation and met lots of great people and saw beautiful sights and had nice time together and apart. I frequently spent time thinking about my exABF and wishing he were there -- and as I did this I often came to realize that what I was imagining was a total fantasy, and when I came to realize that, I did my best to focus on the reality of being on a beautiful Carribean island (hello?!?!, why am I stewing over imagined time with ex when I could be feeling the actual sun on my skin and floating in mineral water??).
My friend has some mental health issues and learning disabilities; he also has A tendencies. We've been friends for 20+ years and I've seen him go though good times and bad times. We talked a lot about relationship stuff. He talked about his long-term relationship with his ex and how the ex made my friend feel bad and incompetent by trying to control him. My friend said that the ex and his parents (the ex's) would make snide put-downs about his mental capacity, his race, his education, and his work status. His bf never stood up for him against his parents.They tried to make decisions for him and it made him feel stupid and incompetent. It also made him feel unloved and unsupported by his ex. My friend came to believe that he was unlovable and that this was his lot in life. He eventually broke free, but even years on, he is still deeply affected by this relationship and hasn't been in a serious relationship since. I was moved by my friend's story of how his bf's behavior made him feel.
I saw so many parallels in the way that I have dealt with people in my life. I have been controlling and domineering and have felt that the alcholics and addicts (parents, friends, partners, coworkers) were not able to make good decisions, so therefore I had to make those decisions for them and it made me feel pity for them for what I perceived as their incompetence and then I resented them for what I perceived was their lack of living up to my expectations.
By spending this healing time with my friend and having truly no expectations except that all would be well, I was able to put into practice several al-anon tools. I was also able to hear from someone the damage that controlling, expectation-filled, resentful behavior can have on the person who's on the receiving end of it. I hope that I will be able to bring this to mind the next time I start to go down that path with someone of thinking that I know best. I learned a lot on this trip and am so grateful to my friend for putting it all together and for my HP for helping me to be open to all I saw and heard on the trip.
Sun soaking in mineral water - sounds......fabulous!! May your friend heal too - sharing is a big step towards freedom - I am certain he was grateful you were there to listen!
(((Hugs)))