Hi - I've been struggling with an issue and would like to hear others opinions...
My A boyfriend is traveling overseas later this week with his very elderly father and 20ish daughter. He is the driver that will travel over some rough terrain and narrow roadways. The family is aware of his past but is not aware there have been multiple relapses the last couple of years, including 2 multi day binges in the last month and continued drinking right now. As his Gf, I know and his therapist probably knows. My fear is that as a blackout drinker, he can appear perfectly sober when he gets in the car, but then the bottle he's downed starts to have its effects over the next 20 or 30 minutes and he will pass out. I've been lucky he hasn't killed me or himself. We plan to separate for awhile as he moves to sober housing right after the trip, so I'm feeling a little relieved for me.
My struggle: what's my obligation to his family? I'm a strong believer in free will, but I'd be heartbroken if I should have given them some heads up to pay attention before getting in a car with him. The BF might never forgive me and he very well may lose his relationship with his daughter (again) for several years, but IF it is the right thing to do, I should do it. My question, do I keep my mouth shut and just hope it all works out and they enjoy their family vacation? i know AA is an anonymous program, so I'm leaning towards keeping quiet, but I don't know.
Thanks for any helpful advice.
-- Edited by KMM93 on Monday 5th of September 2016 05:27:14 PM
Mattie said
Sep 5, 2016
This is a hard and terrible situation.
If I were in your situation, I would tell them. Because the possible bad consequences of telling (the A being furious, the family being estranged) are worse than the possible bad consequences of not telling (someone is killed. It could be someone in their car, or it could be someone else on the road). I just hope they will listen. I'm sure everyone who has had someone they love die in a drunk-driver crash fervently wishes someone had spoken up before it happened. And I would certainly never want to get into a car when an active alcoholic (who passes out!) is driving.
Maybe others will have some thoughts too. Those are just mine.
hotrod said
Sep 5, 2016
HI KMM It sounds as if they already know of his problems with alcohol, I would simply wish them a safe trip and suggest that they be aware of the possibilityf danger and not go into too much detail. Good luck
KMM93 said
Sep 5, 2016
Thank you both Mattie and Hotrod. I appreciate your comments.
Iamhere said
Sep 5, 2016
KMM93 - Welcome to MIP - glad that you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry that you are concerned about what may happen - our program does suggest that we stay on our side of the street and not project for ourselves or others.
I would not share your concerns. In my experience when I've tried to be 'helpful' and engaged in other's affairs, it's not been well received. My hope is you are attending Al-Anon meetings - you will find support and others who can understand where you are as a result of living with this disease.
It took me a lot of program work and a good sponsor to realize it was not my job to protect anyone else but me. Good luck in your recovery - keep coming back - you're not alone!
Hi - I've been struggling with an issue and would like to hear others opinions...
My A boyfriend is traveling overseas later this week with his very elderly father and 20ish daughter. He is the driver that will travel over some rough terrain and narrow roadways. The family is aware of his past but is not aware there have been multiple relapses the last couple of years, including 2 multi day binges in the last month and continued drinking right now. As his Gf, I know and his therapist probably knows. My fear is that as a blackout drinker, he can appear perfectly sober when he gets in the car, but then the bottle he's downed starts to have its effects over the next 20 or 30 minutes and he will pass out. I've been lucky he hasn't killed me or himself. We plan to separate for awhile as he moves to sober housing right after the trip, so I'm feeling a little relieved for me.
My struggle: what's my obligation to his family? I'm a strong believer in free will, but I'd be heartbroken if I should have given them some heads up to pay attention before getting in a car with him. The BF might never forgive me and he very well may lose his relationship with his daughter (again) for several years, but IF it is the right thing to do, I should do it. My question, do I keep my mouth shut and just hope it all works out and they enjoy their family vacation? i know AA is an anonymous program, so I'm leaning towards keeping quiet, but I don't know.
Thanks for any helpful advice.
-- Edited by KMM93 on Monday 5th of September 2016 05:27:14 PM
This is a hard and terrible situation.
If I were in your situation, I would tell them. Because the possible bad consequences of telling (the A being furious, the family being estranged) are worse than the possible bad consequences of not telling (someone is killed. It could be someone in their car, or it could be someone else on the road). I just hope they will listen. I'm sure everyone who has had someone they love die in a drunk-driver crash fervently wishes someone had spoken up before it happened. And I would certainly never want to get into a car when an active alcoholic (who passes out!) is driving.
Maybe others will have some thoughts too. Those are just mine.
I would not share your concerns. In my experience when I've tried to be 'helpful' and engaged in other's affairs, it's not been well received. My hope is you are attending Al-Anon meetings - you will find support and others who can understand where you are as a result of living with this disease.
It took me a lot of program work and a good sponsor to realize it was not my job to protect anyone else but me. Good luck in your recovery - keep coming back - you're not alone!