My best friend of 31 years is an alcoholic. She and I have 'broken' up a few times over the years. The last time we didn't speak for close to two years. In the past three years, I've watched the dysfunction in her family unfold at a rapid rate. Not only are they big partiers, but they had under-age drinking going on all the time as well. I have managed for the most part to stay 'detached with love'. However, last night at their annual 'end of summer' party, she was horrible to me. I took it personally, even though I know it was the 'wine' talking. She called me names, bad mouthed me 'under her breath' to people, re-opened her anger that I dated a guy she was secretly in love with (two years ago)- right in front of the guy. He was uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable... every one was.
Drunk or not, friends do not treat people this way! She has alienated so many other friends because of her nastiness when she drinks. I don't want to take her inventory here... but I feel I can no longer be so 'forgiving' of her. I think it is in my best interest to let go of this toxic friendship once and for all. I've done this once before and for some reason it feels so much harder to do this time.
Do I talk to her? Do I explain my concerns and why I feel hurt? Does it even matter? Her denial is huge. I have never heard the words 'I am sorry' from her ever. I have not heard from her today, so she is either avoiding me, or she has found a way to make 'me' the bad guy.
I don't know what to do I guess. I know that this friendship is not bringing any value to my life. Hanging around with her at her 'party house' is not good for me either... I have been so focused on finding ways to meet healthier, active friends. This friendship, my worry over her health, my worry about her kids... it is not serving me well. I have to move on and drift away from them.
Why is this so hard?
Thanks for listening. <3
Iamhere said
Sep 5, 2016
(((Cyndi))) - I have a bestie who is also a drunk. My experience is that I step away when I need to - no need for words. If she wonders or asks, I will then explain myself. I don't proactively do so, because like other alcoholics, the booze means more than the relationship. I am sorry and it hurts - been there and done that. What I figured out is I was apply logical thinking, the history, all we'd been through to my thoughts, feelings and choices and she was living for the booze. I have been of service to her/her children. We were not speaking when her husband passed away suddenly of a heart attack on their deck - leaving her with 5 children. There were two sets of twins and 1 single child - ages 10-3. I got the call and went. I live close so went over every day for the first year - got her out of bed, helped with the kids and we would go and do something. She doesn't remember any part of that first year and that's OK - she was grieving and I was able to be of service. Most recently, nothing really happened. She ran out of money and had to get employment. The kids are now 18 and up. We've just grown apart. We get together once in a while and it's different. She knows I do not drink but in knowing her for 24 years, I've never bothered to share I am in recovery. She does come from alcoholic parents, and has lost her mother and 2 brothers to the disease. She has one sibling sober and her mother was sober 7 years when she passed away. Do what is best for you. I am a big writer so I often write letters, deciding if I will/will not send them after I've sat on them for a few 24 hours. (((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
CyndiODAT said
Sep 5, 2016
Thank you as always Iamhere. Today she messaged me like any other day - as if nothing happened last night. For today I am going to 'ignore' and focus on myself. It is hard to balance but I am going to try to find a way to detach without having to do this whole 'don't talk for two years' thing. Whether it is in my romantic life or friendships, I tend to draw these people to me like flies on paper. It boggles my mind. I am re-focusing my attention on finding a good running group and finding ways to be more involved in the fitness community in my area. Maybe then the toxic people will just 'vibrate out'. Hugs, Cyndi
hotrod said
Sep 5, 2016
((Cyndi)) I am so sorry that you were subjected to that tirade. I would work a 4th through 10 th step on the relationship. I would look for my part in the insanity and if possible address the issue with her. Good Luck
Hi everyone,
My best friend of 31 years is an alcoholic. She and I have 'broken' up a few times over the years. The last time we didn't speak for close to two years. In the past three years, I've watched the dysfunction in her family unfold at a rapid rate. Not only are they big partiers, but they had under-age drinking going on all the time as well. I have managed for the most part to stay 'detached with love'. However, last night at their annual 'end of summer' party, she was horrible to me. I took it personally, even though I know it was the 'wine' talking. She called me names, bad mouthed me 'under her breath' to people, re-opened her anger that I dated a guy she was secretly in love with (two years ago)- right in front of the guy. He was uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable... every one was.
Drunk or not, friends do not treat people this way! She has alienated so many other friends because of her nastiness when she drinks. I don't want to take her inventory here... but I feel I can no longer be so 'forgiving' of her. I think it is in my best interest to let go of this toxic friendship once and for all. I've done this once before and for some reason it feels so much harder to do this time.
Do I talk to her? Do I explain my concerns and why I feel hurt? Does it even matter? Her denial is huge. I have never heard the words 'I am sorry' from her ever. I have not heard from her today, so she is either avoiding me, or she has found a way to make 'me' the bad guy.
I don't know what to do I guess. I know that this friendship is not bringing any value to my life. Hanging around with her at her 'party house' is not good for me either... I have been so focused on finding ways to meet healthier, active friends. This friendship, my worry over her health, my worry about her kids... it is not serving me well. I have to move on and drift away from them.
Why is this so hard?
Thanks for listening. <3
(((Cyndi))) - I have a bestie who is also a drunk. My experience is that I step away when I need to - no need for words. If she wonders or asks, I will then explain myself. I don't proactively do so, because like other alcoholics, the booze means more than the relationship. I am sorry and it hurts - been there and done that. What I figured out is I was apply logical thinking, the history, all we'd been through to my thoughts, feelings and choices and she was living for the booze. I have been of service to her/her children. We were not speaking when her husband passed away suddenly of a heart attack on their deck - leaving her with 5 children. There were two sets of twins and 1 single child - ages 10-3. I got the call and went. I live close so went over every day for the first year - got her out of bed, helped with the kids and we would go and do something. She doesn't remember any part of that first year and that's OK - she was grieving and I was able to be of service. Most recently, nothing really happened. She ran out of money and had to get employment. The kids are now 18 and up. We've just grown apart. We get together once in a while and it's different. She knows I do not drink but in knowing her for 24 years, I've never bothered to share I am in recovery. She does come from alcoholic parents, and has lost her mother and 2 brothers to the disease. She has one sibling sober and her mother was sober 7 years when she passed away. Do what is best for you. I am a big writer so I often write letters, deciding if I will/will not send them after I've sat on them for a few 24 hours. (((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
Thank you as always Iamhere.
Today she messaged me like any other day - as if nothing happened last night. For today I am going to 'ignore' and focus on myself. It is hard to balance but I am going to try to find a way to detach without having to do this whole 'don't talk for two years' thing. Whether it is in my romantic life or friendships, I tend to draw these people to me like flies on paper. It boggles my mind. I am re-focusing my attention on finding a good running group and finding ways to be more involved in the fitness community in my area. Maybe then the toxic people will just 'vibrate out'. Hugs, Cyndi
((Cyndi)) I am so sorry that you were subjected to that tirade. I would work a 4th through 10 th step on the relationship. I would look for my part in the insanity and if possible address the issue with her. Good Luck