Amends question - I need help and appreciate all feedback
tucker said
Sep 5, 2016
I am mulling over an amends that I think I need to make to my daughter in law. We have never had a good relationship. I have always attempted to be kind and welcoming to her but the truth is that I find her irritating. Loud, self-centered. We are very different personalities and always seem to be at odds with resentments simmering under the surface.
I truly do love her for loving my son, but I admit that I do not like her. I can respect her, though, and hope that she can respect me and we can establish some kind of maneuverable space.
I feel that I have hurt her because of my "attitude" and can understand why she is hostile toward me. But I don't know what to do about my not "liking" her. I am actually a little afraid of her. She has low self esteem and has compensated by being a bully.
I am talking to my sponsor this afternoon about this amends. I would like to clear the air. I know that I have hurt her by not "liking" her, but I don't really know how to "like" her. I want to get on with my life, though. I cannot fix her low self esteem. Our personalities will probably always clash. I want to leave this behind me and move on with my life (is this a valid reason for an amends?) I want to be sincere in my amends, but to tell you the truth, I don't want a relationship (other than mutual respect) with this girl.
Our son totally sides with his wife and says that I am the problem. I am taking this charge seriously and examining my actions and what I need to atone for. They have diagnosed me as "passive aggressive". I looked that up and though I recognize myself in some of the descriptions (I avoid confrontation and don't speak up for myself and my needs enough), I don't see it as an accurate portrayal of myself. No one else has ever called me passive aggressive. But maybe I am. I'm open to looking at that in myself.
The relationship with both of them feels toxic to me now. Everything I do to try to make things right backfires on me. I'm ready to let go and move on. But I'm still mulling over the amends.
Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you.
blindsided said
Sep 5, 2016
I too have problems with my step daughter-in-law. Out of the blue she started sending me these evil e-mails. She said I failed miserably as a step mother and in law. I hadn't done anything at all. Of course, her husband, my stepson, stood up for her, but I don't think he actually saw what she sent to me. She also said my AH and I were embarrassing. My AH stood up for me and disowned his son, but they are on speaking terms but have not seen each other in months. I am one who does not forgive very easily, so I have written both of them out of my life. I have told my husband to try to have a relationship with his son because they were always so close. She didn't even know me when I became his stepmother. That was years before she was even in the picture. He was not the easiest stepson to deal with because he was so jealous of me and his father, but I tried my best. The hardest part is that there are 2 grandchildren involved, but because my husband is such an alcoholic, he doesn't have that much interest in them. To keep her from sending those e-mails to me and upsetting me, I defriended her on facebook, which she didn't like, but I refuse to be abused like that by that spoiled brat.
el-cee said
Sep 5, 2016
I can identify with not liking someone and finding it hard to be friendly and warm towards them. The only tools I suggest are writing down all the bits about her you dont like and then all the good bits about her. When I do this honestly I usually find out that the bits I dont like in others are the bits in me I havent quite accepted yet. So the fact she has low self esteem may bring forth the same thing in you and for me I dont like seeing myself in another. Maybe getting really honest with yourself and talking it over with your sponsor can lead you to a place where you can love her as she is right this moment. Maybe an apology to her would be a good start, if you can own up to your behaviour or your attitude it could start you both on a better journey. It must be hard for your son to be in the middle of the people he loves. An amends to everyone may be a better more accepting relationship. Let it begin with me is the slogan that comes to mind. I also recently heard someone say that to bring the program into all areas of their life they always say to themself, 'what does Alanon tell me to do'
tucker said
Sep 5, 2016
thank you, blindsided and el-cee, for your replies. Yes, I think perhaps those things in her that I don't like may be my own shadow self that I need to love and accept in myself. I will mull over this. I don't want to keep putting off making the amends, but I also don't want to rush into it either. I want to be clear about what I am doing so that I don't just make everything worse (which I often do). Last night I sent a text message to my son saying that I was so sorry for all the anguish I had caused he and his wife. That is all I am going to say to him because I do believe that he is caught in the middle and I don't want to cause him any more distress. I normally do not communicate directly with my daughter-in-law, and that may be a lot of the problem - I avoid her - but this time I feel I must summon up my courage and tell her how sorry I am that I have hurt her by not being more welcoming to her, and how much I appreciate her for loving my son. That is basically all I want to say to her, but I know that I need to do it directly. I have written it many times to her, but it doesn't seem to help. The hostility remains. They live a distance away - and do not invite us to visit - so I've decided that I will do it over the phone. Again, I am going to speak to my sponsor this afternoon for more guidance. Thank you again for your feedback.
serenity47 said
Sep 5, 2016
Healing a relationship begins with me. When I become willing to change my attitude about a situation that is when things begin to change. I think we all want and yearn to be liked, loved and accepted as the imperfect human beings that we are. How to best approach it depends on your own intuition. For me sometimes a direct amends is needed, other times it has been nonverbal but a change in the way I behave around and towards that person has opened a door to at least a peaceful relationship. Even if I don't particularly like them, or want to spend time with them, I can still find many positive attributes about them that I can admire. When I carry these thoughts in my head about them vs the critical ones I automatically behave better towards them in a loving kinder way. Whether they reciprocate that or not is irrelevant. My goal is peace. Good for you for being willing to examine your own role in this.
missmeliss said
Sep 5, 2016
If you've already expressed this to her and it hasn't "taken" in the way you'd hoped I wonder if there's a need to repeat it in person? It's sort of about your willingness to see your wrongdoing and not whether or not the person wants to come to the party I think.
There were instances in my own amends making where contacting a person and bringing up the past would have been wildly inappropriate or caused upset to them or even danger to myself rather than healing so in those cases I wrote a short letter that outlined what I felt I'd done and my regret over the harm caused and then burned it. The willingness to see my part and the respectful act of leaving someone alone if contacting them would be harmful I felt was the right action.
I like what others suggest about making an effort to see the positive traits of the person. That sounds like a positive approach to me; I need to remember to do that myself!!
Iamhere said
Sep 5, 2016
tucker - you are not alone in trying to figure out a relationship with one who is different and not very likeable. I have actually done the full set of steps on persons, starting with, I admit I am powerless over XXXXXXX, and my life is unmanageable! It helps me hone in on my part, common areas, topics to avoid, etc.
I am hopeful that your sponsor can help you. When situations like this cause me to be stuck in recovery, and I am uncertain exactly the best way to mend, I often will shoot straight from the hip with something like, I sense we are very different people, and I would truly like to know you better. Thank you for loving my son - I sincerely appreciate it. Do you have any suggestions on how we can better enjoy each other?
There is no reason you own mending a relationship only. It takes two to get along and it takes two to not get along. I am surprised that in recovery, even those I thought I had no interest in knowing can surprise me when I use the steps and keep an open mind!
Let us know how it goes!!
tucker said
Sep 5, 2016
Thank you again, all who have responded to my need for help with this amends with my daughter in law.
After talking to my sponsor and another friend, I have decided to let this wait for awhile. I'm not clear about my responsibility in "hurting" my low self esteem daughter in law. Outwardly I have made gestures of kindness and welcome. It is true that I have not "liked" her, but I'm not clear that I need to make amends for not "liking" someone who is hostile toward me. Not "liking" may, in fact, be a form of self protection and self love and nothing that I should be apologizing for.
My thinking that I need to make amends could be another manifestation of my co-dependency. Taking on the guilt and responsibility for another person's actions.
It could be that this is a relationship that I should just walk away from without guilt, and move on in my life NOT feeling guilty or responsible. I have a responsibility to myself and my own happiness first. I can live my life free from other peoples' problems.
I need more time to figure out my behavior and role in this toxic situation, and if I really should be apologizing for anything. (I am a real co-dependant!)
Anyway, I'm not rushing into the amends. I'm going to mull over it until next weekend. Thank you all again for the feedback. It really helps.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2016
Hey Tucker - great photo!! Love the slogan, "When in doubt, don't" - I believe you've applied it well!!!
I am mulling over an amends that I think I need to make to my daughter in law. We have never had a good relationship. I have always attempted to be kind and welcoming to her but the truth is that I find her irritating. Loud, self-centered. We are very different personalities and always seem to be at odds with resentments simmering under the surface.
I truly do love her for loving my son, but I admit that I do not like her. I can respect her, though, and hope that she can respect me and we can establish some kind of maneuverable space.
I feel that I have hurt her because of my "attitude" and can understand why she is hostile toward me. But I don't know what to do about my not "liking" her. I am actually a little afraid of her. She has low self esteem and has compensated by being a bully.
I am talking to my sponsor this afternoon about this amends. I would like to clear the air. I know that I have hurt her by not "liking" her, but I don't really know how to "like" her. I want to get on with my life, though. I cannot fix her low self esteem. Our personalities will probably always clash. I want to leave this behind me and move on with my life (is this a valid reason for an amends?) I want to be sincere in my amends, but to tell you the truth, I don't want a relationship (other than mutual respect) with this girl.
Our son totally sides with his wife and says that I am the problem. I am taking this charge seriously and examining my actions and what I need to atone for. They have diagnosed me as "passive aggressive". I looked that up and though I recognize myself in some of the descriptions (I avoid confrontation and don't speak up for myself and my needs enough), I don't see it as an accurate portrayal of myself. No one else has ever called me passive aggressive. But maybe I am. I'm open to looking at that in myself.
The relationship with both of them feels toxic to me now. Everything I do to try to make things right backfires on me. I'm ready to let go and move on. But I'm still mulling over the amends.
Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you.
I too have problems with my step daughter-in-law. Out of the blue she started sending me these evil e-mails. She said I failed miserably as a step mother and in law. I hadn't done anything at all. Of course, her husband, my stepson, stood up for her, but I don't think he actually saw what she sent to me. She also said my AH and I were embarrassing. My AH stood up for me and disowned his son, but they are on speaking terms but have not seen each other in months. I am one who does not forgive very easily, so I have written both of them out of my life. I have told my husband to try to have a relationship with his son because they were always so close. She didn't even know me when I became his stepmother. That was years before she was even in the picture. He was not the easiest stepson to deal with because he was so jealous of me and his father, but I tried my best. The hardest part is that there are 2 grandchildren involved, but because my husband is such an alcoholic, he doesn't have that much interest in them. To keep her from sending those e-mails to me and upsetting me, I defriended her on facebook, which she didn't like, but I refuse to be abused like that by that spoiled brat.
I can identify with not liking someone and finding it hard to be friendly and warm towards them. The only tools I suggest are writing down all the bits about her you dont like and then all the good bits about her. When I do this honestly I usually find out that the bits I dont like in others are the bits in me I havent quite accepted yet. So the fact she has low self esteem may bring forth the same thing in you and for me I dont like seeing myself in another. Maybe getting really honest with yourself and talking it over with your sponsor can lead you to a place where you can love her as she is right this moment. Maybe an apology to her would be a good start, if you can own up to your behaviour or your attitude it could start you both on a better journey. It must be hard for your son to be in the middle of the people he loves. An amends to everyone may be a better more accepting relationship. Let it begin with me is the slogan that comes to mind. I also recently heard someone say that to bring the program into all areas of their life they always say to themself, 'what does Alanon tell me to do'
There were instances in my own amends making where contacting a person and bringing up the past would have been wildly inappropriate or caused upset to them or even danger to myself rather than healing so in those cases I wrote a short letter that outlined what I felt I'd done and my regret over the harm caused and then burned it. The willingness to see my part and the respectful act of leaving someone alone if contacting them would be harmful I felt was the right action.
I like what others suggest about making an effort to see the positive traits of the person. That sounds like a positive approach to me; I need to remember to do that myself!!
I am hopeful that your sponsor can help you. When situations like this cause me to be stuck in recovery, and I am uncertain exactly the best way to mend, I often will shoot straight from the hip with something like, I sense we are very different people, and I would truly like to know you better. Thank you for loving my son - I sincerely appreciate it. Do you have any suggestions on how we can better enjoy each other?
There is no reason you own mending a relationship only. It takes two to get along and it takes two to not get along. I am surprised that in recovery, even those I thought I had no interest in knowing can surprise me when I use the steps and keep an open mind!
Let us know how it goes!!
After talking to my sponsor and another friend, I have decided to let this wait for awhile. I'm not clear about my responsibility in "hurting" my low self esteem daughter in law. Outwardly I have made gestures of kindness and welcome. It is true that I have not "liked" her, but I'm not clear that I need to make amends for not "liking" someone who is hostile toward me. Not "liking" may, in fact, be a form of self protection and self love and nothing that I should be apologizing for.
My thinking that I need to make amends could be another manifestation of my co-dependency. Taking on the guilt and responsibility for another person's actions.
It could be that this is a relationship that I should just walk away from without guilt, and move on in my life NOT feeling guilty or responsible. I have a responsibility to myself and my own happiness first. I can live my life free from other peoples' problems.
I need more time to figure out my behavior and role in this toxic situation, and if I really should be apologizing for anything. (I am a real co-dependant!)
Anyway, I'm not rushing into the amends. I'm going to mull over it until next weekend. Thank you all again for the feedback. It really helps.