Just got up, AH didn't make it to bed. Came downstairs to find him very drunk in the lounge. Is about 6am. Been drinking all night.
In awful state. befuddled and talking in riddles of course. I had a hot drink with him and gently sent him off to bed. I was kind but as best I can tell, was not enabling. He literally crawled on hands and knees up the stairs. Collapsed a few times on the way. I kept clear. He is very heavy, i cannot lift him nor should I try.
Anyway my question is, this was the start to my day. I get up to this. He tells me (of course) that it is no big deal and in shouldn't mind.
Actually I do. Well I think I do. My head is whirling. I don't know how to feel. I am proud of how I worked my program. I didn't yell or be horrible to him.
He told me that as I used to drink with him, I quit 6 years ago, I had no right to mind and that there is nothing more boring than a reformed drunk. I know this is drunk drivel talk but it still hurts. I have my Al-anon meeting at noon today. AH threw in a few snipes about me enjoying the men who attend.
Oh I don't know, it's all so tedious.
If this scenario had happened a couple years ago, I would have been devastated by it. Took it completely personal
Urgh, is just such a nuisance.
If I hadn't used my Al-anon tools, there would have been an enormous fight.
geems said
Sep 5, 2016
(((Calm Lady))) look at you staying all serene and peaceful!!! Bravo dear.
Mattie said
Sep 5, 2016
Of course he would love it if the world reflected no bad consequences of his drinking. That would enable his denial to stay nice and steady. But you are not required to pretend that this behavior is fine and dandy.
On the other hand, letting it disturb your serenity hurts you rather than him. That's an important thing, I think, for us Al-Anoners!
geems said
Sep 5, 2016
Morning (((Mattie))). Serenity is everything and what alanon promises us. I'm hanging on to that promise today!
a4l said
Sep 5, 2016
Calm lady, it might not feel it right now, but I recall this type of moment as the time I started regaining me. Of course its OK to mind this type of stuff. I did and I still do. But not losing it really does draw a boundary around ones self. Somehow you start seeing clearly and thinking calmly. I used to see episodes like this as something the addict was doing to us. Now I see it as something the addict is doing to the addict, and I try my best to not muddy those particular waters. It really starts to disentangle the enmeshment. Well done. Keep going!
el-cee said
Sep 5, 2016
You did really well. Its awful waking up to a drunk person, for me it triggers my own symptoms. I want to begin controlling and tidying it all up. I dont like the feeling of chaos around it and I get fearful that everything is crumbling and I worry because it feels like anything could happen and my mind exaggerates it all. So I can identify with you and feel for you. You used your tools and you couldn't do any better in my opinion. Reprimands or nagging or discussions only enable it to continue because it adds to the guilt and shame for the drinker but it kind of gives them permission to use it as an excuse to keep drinking.
Now its about getting your mind straight and its not easy. For me its about step 1, I cant change another person, he is exactly where he is supposed to be. Hes sick and there is nothing you can say or do to change that. Allowing him the full consequences of his actions is the most loving thing to do and about the only thing that will help him really. You could have your own boundaries around this, so if this upsets you go and do something nice for yourself, get your mind off it. If you find it totally unacceptable then maybe there is another boundary that you need to look at when your ready.
I think its really important to not get into the whole big discussion around it, I remember, before alanon, when this happened thinking i need to talk to him because I really believed I just hadnt made myself clear enough and he needed to listen to me and then he would get sober and all will be good. I was so wrong but did this for nearly 20 yrs lol. Talk means nothing and I think i enabled it to continue all the blame and shame went on and on. Its aobut action. Treating the drinker with respect, not a naughty school child,, not giving sympathy either but just being detached. This has been the only thing that got any serenity in my home. I hope your day is back on track and serene.
jojo8466 said
Sep 5, 2016
Waking up to that would drive me nuts. Glad you were able to keep your cool and remain kind and caring towards him but yet not enabling him.
I hope and pray your day gets better!
do you have a way you could take a vacation for a week and just go somewhere by yourself or with a good friend and get a break from all the insanity?
hotrod said
Sep 5, 2016
Calm Lady You did great!!! You lived up to your "sign on" name and did not sacrifice your serenity to the insanity of the disease.
The disease will tell you anything to get you to engage and go back to reacting as you have in the past. Not reacting but responding from deep within keeps you centered and does not let madness rein.
Good job.
El said
Sep 5, 2016
Oh, so sorry that is what you woke up to. However, sounds like you handled it very well!
I believe it was IAH here who was told many times that you can start your day over anytime you want. Thank you for sharing your progress, I know reading these stories really helps me. I hope the rest of this day is much more pleasant.
Hugs- Ellen
Iamhere said
Sep 5, 2016
(((Calm Lady))) - that would be a different way to start the day.....and it would also cause me a bit of grief! I think you did awesome with your program and your tools. I am one that works hard to focus on what's working vs. what's broken in times of turmoil and try to find gratitude. It just helps me get to a place of peace faster than a state of uncertain.
In this case, I recall many times they would stay awake instead of crawl to bed. That was miserable....find gratitude that he went to bed giving you peace to process.
I also am one who was told early on that I can start my day over at any time. I've done this many, many days - at all times of the day.
Gratitude lists are so helpful.
I am sorry for this and that he throws barbs at your recovery. I have to remember that's them reacting badly and not a reflection on me. It's either a part of their disease or it's a part of their personality. No matter what it is, it really has nothing to do with us. Mine would throw barbs and finally quit when I just stopped reacting.
It's a process. You've every right to be caught off-guard. No amount of tools and program can protect us at times from the uncertainty and insanity of this disease. I am always, always grateful that I do have a program because can you imagine what this would have been like without it?
(((Hugs))) big time - you are not alone! Hope your meeting is fantabulous!!!!
Aerin said
Sep 5, 2016
Mine wakes up completely fine. No hangovers, no jabs. nada. He acts as if he was completely normal the night before. Very fustrating holding back (although I am getting better at it) because I still feel he thinks he got off easy and if I dont say anything he thinks he did nothing wrong so he drinks again (knowing he gets no anger from me) I am guessing from what others say this is what I should do, and the abf cannot use my anger as excuse to drink at least..
tired of it said
Sep 5, 2016
Aerin wrote:
Mine wakes up completely fine. No hangovers, no jabs. nada. He acts as if he was completely normal the night before. Very fustrating holding back (although I am getting better at it) because I still feel he thinks he got off easy and if I dont say anything he thinks he did nothing wrong so he drinks again (knowing he gets no anger from me) I am guessing from what others say this is what I should do, and the abf cannot use my anger as excuse to drink at least..
I feel like if I don't acknowledge that I know my AH drank or that he lied then he thinks he can continue getting away with it. But if I say anything then it causes a fight and doesn't do any good anyway.
el-cee said
Sep 6, 2016
'Mine wakes up completely fine. No hangovers, no jabs. nada. He acts as if he was completely normal the night before. Very fustrating holding back (although I am getting better at it) because I still feel he thinks he got off easy and if I dont say anything he thinks he did nothing wrong so he drinks again (knowing he gets no anger from me) I am guessing from what others say this is what I should do, and the abf cannot use my anger as excuse to drink at least.. '
I used to think like this, like it was about the person being wrong or being bad or misbehaving but actually just because we dont like it does it mean they are wrong? or that we are the ones that need to tell them they are wrong? It was this thinking that kept me in the insanity. I truly believed the drinker was doing something to me, against me so I was the victim of the persons drinking. Then I learned they suffer from a disease that is less about bad behaviour and more about a compulsion of the mind and body that I didnt fully understand. This then freed me from being a victim of the drinker or their drinking. A grown adult has the right to drink or not. We have the right to decide what we want or dont want but do we have the right to judge a drinker and control them? well I spent 20 years trying and it didnt work so now I try Live and Let live, that gives me permission to live fully and let the drinker live fully whether they are making choices I like or not.
Calm Lady said
Sep 6, 2016
Thank you all so much for the wonderful shares and supportive comments.
I have sat with them and reread them several times before replying.
A lot of useful ESH in there for me to absorb.
Thank you Geems, Mattie, a41, El-Cee, JoJo, Betty, El, IAH, Aerin and Tired of it all.
As an update, I went on to thoroughly enjoy my day. The palaver with AH didn't ruin or change my plans at all. Really nice day.
I can actually feel a spurt of growth in !e following this situation and my'detaching and calm kind patient dealing of it. To be clear I like to deal with it that way for my self respect and self esteem. I like that version of me. Boundaries kept in place but in a kind way. It feels comfortable in my skin.
Thank you all again.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 6th of September 2016 10:07:50 AM
tired of it said
Sep 6, 2016
So glad to hear you were able to have a great day, despite the start!!
El said
Sep 6, 2016
Hello, Calm Lady. Your update made me smile.
Hugs to you - Ellen
Calm Lady said
Sep 6, 2016
Thank you Tired of it and El. There is an absolutely enormous difference in me now. An incident like that would have made me physically ill and incapacitated.
I was so terribly enmeshed with AH. Me as a separate person had stopped existing.
The change is pure Al-anon program.
I see that it was MY sickness that made me act and feel that way.
I am very very grateful.
In many ways his drinking is irrelevant, the actual problem was my outlook and thinking patterns. Lack of sense of self, lack of boundaries.
Calm Lady said
Sep 6, 2016
If I may expand, my thinking was black and white. Good or bad. Right or wrong.
I am now in the comfortable grey area. The sane area. The healthy middle ground.
Ah and I are both sick people with unhealthy outlooks. Neither of us is superior to the other. I used to feel superior to him. I used to NEED to feel superior to him, to make me feel worthwhile.
I now feel I am a worthwhile person in my own right. As is he.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2016
Love that Calm Lady - thanks for sharing your processing/tool use. I am again reminded that Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today....I love that from the Big Book!!!
(((Hugs))) - glad you've returned to the shades of gray place!!
Calm Lady said
Sep 6, 2016
Thanks, IAH. I also love the Big Book. One of my pleasures is listening to Big Book workshops on you tube or xa-speakers.
I also love the Al-anon workshops as well as people sharing their story.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2016
I am nodding in agreement (thinking you can see me.....ha.ha.ha...)
Me too! That's better - now you know what I am thinking!
Bethany66 said
Sep 6, 2016
I totally shared the Acceptance Prayer in my F2F meeting today. Whomever shared it here thank you because it changed my week and week end.
"I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what need to be changed in me...". Smack, right between the eyes!! :)
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Tuesday 6th of September 2016 03:53:04 PM
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2016
Hey Bethany - it came from the big book of AA - approved literature for the AA side of the table.
For those who may not know, the entire AA Big Book and the AA 12 & 12 (12 Steps & 12 Traditions) are available online for free.
As the Al-Anon program came about resulting from the AA program, and this literature is from the founding members, it is very helpful for understanding the disease, the diseased and the recovery process. I am able to replace alcohol with alcoholic or qualifier and read on using it for this side of my program too.
It does take an open mind!!
Just google Online AA Big Book and you'll find it front and center.
hotrod said
Sep 6, 2016
Great update calm lady. You are becoming a Miracle in Progress
Calm Lady said
Sep 7, 2016
Thank you, IAH, Bethany & Betty. I feel very blessed. I awoke this morning and came downstairs to a similar situation with AH. I didn't blink. I just carried on, made him us both a hot drink and gently shooed him off to bed. Which he meakly did. Then sat and enjoyed my hot drink, peace, quiet and listened to a lovely Al-anon share on You Tube.
It is a miracle to find this peace.
Completely unexpectedly a lady i have known for decades reached out to me with great understanding of how A's are. I was stunned but in a happy way. She mentioned that the actual drinking isn't the hard bit, it's all the supporting denial, insanity, mood swings etc that come with alcoholism that are hardest.
This has always been my experience too.
God is looking after me today.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 7th of September 2016 07:44:26 AM
Iamhere said
Sep 7, 2016
(((Calm Lady))) - with grace, I send loving warm positive energy and thoughts your way....I so agree - it's that which comes with the disease that are the hardest to see, accept and let go. Glad that you've managed a peaceful morning - I am one who looks for miracles each/every day and when I hear shares like this, it strikes me as just that - a miracle that in the midst of potential chaos, we can find calm, peace and joy.
Just got up, AH didn't make it to bed. Came downstairs to find him very drunk in the lounge. Is about 6am. Been drinking all night.
In awful state. befuddled and talking in riddles of course. I had a hot drink with him and gently sent him off to bed. I was kind but as best I can tell, was not enabling. He literally crawled on hands and knees up the stairs. Collapsed a few times on the way. I kept clear. He is very heavy, i cannot lift him nor should I try.
Anyway my question is, this was the start to my day. I get up to this. He tells me (of course) that it is no big deal and in shouldn't mind.
Actually I do. Well I think I do. My head is whirling. I don't know how to feel. I am proud of how I worked my program. I didn't yell or be horrible to him.
He told me that as I used to drink with him, I quit 6 years ago, I had no right to mind and that there is nothing more boring than a reformed drunk. I know this is drunk drivel talk but it still hurts. I have my Al-anon meeting at noon today. AH threw in a few snipes about me enjoying the men who attend.
Oh I don't know, it's all so tedious.
If this scenario had happened a couple years ago, I would have been devastated by it. Took it completely personal
Urgh, is just such a nuisance.
If I hadn't used my Al-anon tools, there would have been an enormous fight.
Of course he would love it if the world reflected no bad consequences of his drinking. That would enable his denial to stay nice and steady. But you are not required to pretend that this behavior is fine and dandy.
On the other hand, letting it disturb your serenity hurts you rather than him. That's an important thing, I think, for us Al-Anoners!
You did really well. Its awful waking up to a drunk person, for me it triggers my own symptoms. I want to begin controlling and tidying it all up. I dont like the feeling of chaos around it and I get fearful that everything is crumbling and I worry because it feels like anything could happen and my mind exaggerates it all. So I can identify with you and feel for you. You used your tools and you couldn't do any better in my opinion. Reprimands or nagging or discussions only enable it to continue because it adds to the guilt and shame for the drinker but it kind of gives them permission to use it as an excuse to keep drinking.
Now its about getting your mind straight and its not easy. For me its about step 1, I cant change another person, he is exactly where he is supposed to be. Hes sick and there is nothing you can say or do to change that. Allowing him the full consequences of his actions is the most loving thing to do and about the only thing that will help him really. You could have your own boundaries around this, so if this upsets you go and do something nice for yourself, get your mind off it. If you find it totally unacceptable then maybe there is another boundary that you need to look at when your ready.
I think its really important to not get into the whole big discussion around it, I remember, before alanon, when this happened thinking i need to talk to him because I really believed I just hadnt made myself clear enough and he needed to listen to me and then he would get sober and all will be good. I was so wrong but did this for nearly 20 yrs lol. Talk means nothing and I think i enabled it to continue all the blame and shame went on and on. Its aobut action. Treating the drinker with respect, not a naughty school child,, not giving sympathy either but just being detached. This has been the only thing that got any serenity in my home. I hope your day is back on track and serene.
I hope and pray your day gets better!
do you have a way you could take a vacation for a week and just go somewhere by yourself or with a good friend and get a break from all the insanity?
The disease will tell you anything to get you to engage and go back to reacting as you have in the past. Not reacting but responding from deep within keeps you centered and does not let madness rein.
Good job.
Oh, so sorry that is what you woke up to. However, sounds like you handled it very well!
I believe it was IAH here who was told many times that you can start your day over anytime you want. Thank you for sharing your progress, I know reading these stories really helps me. I hope the rest of this day is much more pleasant.
Hugs- Ellen
In this case, I recall many times they would stay awake instead of crawl to bed. That was miserable....find gratitude that he went to bed giving you peace to process.
I also am one who was told early on that I can start my day over at any time. I've done this many, many days - at all times of the day.
Gratitude lists are so helpful.
I am sorry for this and that he throws barbs at your recovery. I have to remember that's them reacting badly and not a reflection on me. It's either a part of their disease or it's a part of their personality. No matter what it is, it really has nothing to do with us. Mine would throw barbs and finally quit when I just stopped reacting.
It's a process. You've every right to be caught off-guard. No amount of tools and program can protect us at times from the uncertainty and insanity of this disease. I am always, always grateful that I do have a program because can you imagine what this would have been like without it?
(((Hugs))) big time - you are not alone! Hope your meeting is fantabulous!!!!
I feel like if I don't acknowledge that I know my AH drank or that he lied then he thinks he can continue getting away with it. But if I say anything then it causes a fight and doesn't do any good anyway.
I used to think like this, like it was about the person being wrong or being bad or misbehaving but actually just because we dont like it does it mean they are wrong? or that we are the ones that need to tell them they are wrong? It was this thinking that kept me in the insanity. I truly believed the drinker was doing something to me, against me so I was the victim of the persons drinking. Then I learned they suffer from a disease that is less about bad behaviour and more about a compulsion of the mind and body that I didnt fully understand. This then freed me from being a victim of the drinker or their drinking. A grown adult has the right to drink or not. We have the right to decide what we want or dont want but do we have the right to judge a drinker and control them? well I spent 20 years trying and it didnt work so now I try Live and Let live, that gives me permission to live fully and let the drinker live fully whether they are making choices I like or not.
Thank you all so much for the wonderful shares and supportive comments.
I have sat with them and reread them several times before replying.
A lot of useful ESH in there for me to absorb.
Thank you Geems, Mattie, a41, El-Cee, JoJo, Betty, El, IAH, Aerin and Tired of it all.
As an update, I went on to thoroughly enjoy my day. The palaver with AH didn't ruin or change my plans at all. Really nice day.
I can actually feel a spurt of growth in !e following this situation and my'detaching and calm kind patient dealing of it. To be clear I like to deal with it that way for my self respect and self esteem. I like that version of me. Boundaries kept in place but in a kind way. It feels comfortable in my skin.
Thank you all again.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 6th of September 2016 10:07:50 AM
So glad to hear you were able to have a great day, despite the start!!
Hello, Calm Lady. Your update made me smile.
Hugs to you - Ellen
I was so terribly enmeshed with AH. Me as a separate person had stopped existing.
The change is pure Al-anon program.
I see that it was MY sickness that made me act and feel that way.
I am very very grateful.
In many ways his drinking is irrelevant, the actual problem was my outlook and thinking patterns. Lack of sense of self, lack of boundaries.
I am now in the comfortable grey area. The sane area. The healthy middle ground.
Ah and I are both sick people with unhealthy outlooks. Neither of us is superior to the other. I used to feel superior to him. I used to NEED to feel superior to him, to make me feel worthwhile.
I now feel I am a worthwhile person in my own right. As is he.
(((Hugs))) - glad you've returned to the shades of gray place!!
I also love the Al-anon workshops as well as people sharing their story.
Me too! That's better - now you know what I am thinking!
I totally shared the Acceptance Prayer in my F2F meeting today. Whomever shared it here thank you because it changed my week and week end.
"I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what need to be changed in me...". Smack, right between the eyes!! :)
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Tuesday 6th of September 2016 03:53:04 PM
For those who may not know, the entire AA Big Book and the AA 12 & 12 (12 Steps & 12 Traditions) are available online for free.
As the Al-Anon program came about resulting from the AA program, and this literature is from the founding members, it is very helpful for understanding the disease, the diseased and the recovery process. I am able to replace alcohol with alcoholic or qualifier and read on using it for this side of my program too.
It does take an open mind!!
Just google Online AA Big Book and you'll find it front and center.
Thank you, IAH, Bethany & Betty. I feel very blessed. I awoke this morning and came downstairs to a similar situation with AH. I didn't blink. I just carried on, made him us both a hot drink and gently shooed him off to bed. Which he meakly did. Then sat and enjoyed my hot drink, peace, quiet and listened to a lovely Al-anon share on You Tube.
It is a miracle to find this peace.
Completely unexpectedly a lady i have known for decades reached out to me with great understanding of how A's are. I was stunned but in a happy way. She mentioned that the actual drinking isn't the hard bit, it's all the supporting denial, insanity, mood swings etc that come with alcoholism that are hardest.
This has always been my experience too.
God is looking after me today.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 7th of September 2016 07:44:26 AM
(((Hugs)))