My wife just recently returned from rehab. She is doing well. We have had some issues and they may have been caused by my own insecurities.
Anyway, she threw me a birthday party last week. She bought some beer and some wine that she wouldn't have liked for the guests. I had a beer and offered to others (she asked me to do so as she didn't want to be the one to offer) but nobody accepted and it was a little awkward. I think they just didn't know what to do. It left me feeling a little like I was being judged for having the beer. I did talk to a couple of friends and one said she would have had a beer if offered (by the time she arrived I had stop offering) and the other said that had I explained the situation she would have shared a drink.
Anyway, my wife has been adamant that she does not want me to stop drinking. I have been insistent that she is more important to me than a drink.
The question is, should I take her lead and go ahead and have a beer from now and then or should I take the lead and just keep alcohol out of the house and not drink in front of her? I do enjoy a drink or two on occasion so if she is truly okay (not tempted, not jealous or resentful) then I wouldn't mind doing so but I could go either way.
One caveat of all of this: Because of the stress of her legal troubles, caring for our special needs child during her rehab stay, and our struggles on her return, I have been drinking more than I normally do. In a normal situation, a six pack of beer could sit in my fridge for a month. I've been having a couple of beers a night. My dad was a social drinker who developed an addiction after his retirement (in his 60's) so I definitely am aware of the idea that someone who has been a light drinker for decades could slowly build up a problem. (My dad went to rehab about 15 years ago and he has been fine since. He even has a single drink every once in a while so I don't think he fits the normal mold. My dad could not handle being without my mom for even a week so when my mom died I thought that would trigger my dad back to alcoholism but it didn't. Still to this day I don't know how he has done it.)
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Saturday 3rd of September 2016 09:49:36 AM
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Saturday 3rd of September 2016 09:50:22 AM
pinkchip said
Sep 3, 2016
I think do what you want after talking to your wife. It is good for you to mind your own drinking habits though it sounds like. Don't use her as the excuse to not drink at all. Sounds like if you did decide to abstain totally, it would be a choice after seeing the wreckage of alcoholism too much up close and to reduce your own risks. My spouse rarely drinks. I am a recovering alcoholic. I don't care if he drinks at gatherings. It might personally annoy me if he had 2 drinks every night, but that is just me and my boundary. Because his father was an alcoholic and because of me I guess, my spouse rarely drinks. It happened naturally and he didn't care cuz he's not an alcoholic. Your wife is early on in this. Hence, she is overly focused on who IS drinking, who is not, how much...etc. Also I tecall thinking that drinking was really important to people when I was earlier in recovery. It took a few years for me to realize most people (normal drinkers) really don't care that much.
Calm Lady said
Sep 3, 2016
My experience when I quit drinking was that I had to learn to fit in with other people and their prefered habits. As a RA I could not expect the world to adjust to me.
So I would say you go with what you what to do.
Iamhere said
Sep 3, 2016
I'm with those above me - do what works best for you in your relationship/home. When I first got sober, I was told in AA that it was my job to avoid 'slippery places' (bars, parties where I'd be tempted, etc.) I was also told that to expect others to conform to my way was unrealistic, so like Calm_Lady above me I took care of me and learned how to adapt.
Prayers and positive thoughts to you and your spouse - may the miracle of recovery shine on you both - just for today!
Mattie said
Sep 3, 2016
I think there are really two questions here. One is "Should I stop drinking because my wife is in early recovery?" The answer might be "You are not required to, but many people do out of sensitivity to the one in recovery."
The second question is, "Since I have been drinking every night due to stress, and someone in my family developed a drinking problem, should I stop drinking?" To me that is the more important question. It is about your effect on you rather than your effect on someone else. It sounds like you have been coping with the increased stress in the way that both your wife and your father chose to. It is the family tradition, in a sense, though not one of those traditions that you want to pass on to others. Maybe some different ways to alleviate stress would be a great way of supporting yourself. Maybe cutting back on the drinking. If you find that's hard, then you have some important information right there.
Keep on taking good care of yourself.
deacon said
Sep 3, 2016
Because my husband has had problems with alcohol before I met him many. many years ago, our house is an alcohol free dwelling. I was at best a social drinker and it gave me no problem giving up drinking altogether. Friends and family know and respect that we do not serve or allow alcohol in the house. We have lost several friends over the course of our marriage who would not or could not respect this. It appears they could not enjoy themselves for one evening without drinking.
I constantly have to control my weight as I have an addiction to food I believe. My husband supports me in this in that he does not purchase chips or sweet stuff to have around. And I love him for that. He is not a sweet lover so that helps. But I do know that, even if he secreted treats away out of my sight, I would still know that they were there and they would CALL to me.
Personally, I would not have alcohol in your house especially when she is so new to sobriety. It just might give both of you peace of mind to take temptation away.
Jerry F said
Sep 3, 2016
CH for me it is best to do my own research (which I did in both programs and college) Alcohol is a mind/mood altering chemical and not a food source at all...this isn't health food and we all know it so I would continue drinking once I stopped? Once I became aware I watched the affects and effects drinking had on my surroundings including my friends and family and associates in the program and then went completely alcohol free and have been for a long time now (37 years). This after at one time being told that my local liquor store no longer had a favorite wine because I bought out the stock. Geeee Wizz ....Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
geems said
Sep 3, 2016
The alcoholic has to learn to navigate a world where there is alcohol of their own volition. Keeping it out of their life is up to them. Resisting to urge to use is their responsibility no matter what their proximity to the alcohol is. In the next room or in the next street it doesn't matter. The choice and responsibility for sobriety is ultimately the alcoholics. As a former rescuer and coverer upper of the truth... this was a powerful lesson in letting go and letting God. Thanks
a4l said
Sep 3, 2016
I probably wouldn't. Just because the scene you've described feels fragile...newly sober wife, increased personal alcohol use and attempting a life style transition. When in doubt don't. You have the rest of your lives to be around normalised alcohol consumption. Is it neccesary right now to throw that into the mix? My thoughts for what its worth.
hotrod said
Sep 3, 2016
I agree with A41 I stopped when my husband seriously entered AA 39 years ago and I have no regrets to this day. I feel better, sleep better ,remembee eveything I did and am healthier all around.
jojo8466 said
Sep 3, 2016
When my ABF was drinking I would drink with him - when he was detoxing and "back on the wagon" I would not drink around him - call it co-dependency or whatever (I personally think I'm just a thoughtful and caring person) and wanted to support him trying to get sober. I didn't feel right about drinking around him when he was trying so hard to quit even though he did tell me "it was his problem, not mine, and if I wanted to drink around him I could."
My husband has been sober for over 30 years - we do have liquor in our house for me and my friends. However it is very rare that I have a mixed drink in front of him. The liquor is here for my friends and I to enjoy when we get off work if we so desire. But to sit around and get plastered in front of a recovering alcoholic would just make me feel uncomfortable and very uncaring of that persons "disease". But that is just me.....everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with and what works for them and their relationship.
I think if you have to ask if you should drink in front of your wife who is newly in recovery you already know the answer....
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 11, 2016
I intentionally did not drink for a week. I did have a few beers last night while watching my university's football game. That's more normal for me. I might just make sure I continue to drink responsibly and within what has always been normal. Since I was never one to have a drink on a work night I will make sure I continue to not do that.
Jen61 said
Sep 11, 2016
I do not drink anymore. My parents, ex-husband and current husband have all had problems with alcohol.
hotrod said
Sep 11, 2016
Good Idea CH
2HP said
Sep 12, 2016
Dear Friend, I am so happy that your wife is doing well, praise to her Higher Power!
After all previous replies, you know that your question is yours alone to answer. But Al-Anon is the room that invites us to focus on ourselves, something long-neglected by the time I crawled in. In your post, I saw your concern over your own drinking. I do know this, alcoholism can run in families. so good for you for holding up a mirror and taking the time to examine that. Even though I put everyone else under the microscope, I'm still powerless. However, I do have power to be the person I want to be and that's when life gets good.
That said, I like to keep in mind what they say about alcoholics having an "allergy" to alcohol, meaning that once they start, they have an alcoholic reaction. I did stop drinking around my alcoholic, even though he didn't stop. I have family members that have other types of allergies, one to dairy and another to cats. I keep dairy and cats away because I love them, and love is kind, right?
It would seem logical that since she is so new to recovery, she is still shaky... we didn't get sick overnight, we don't get well overnight either. You are not responsible for her recovery, though, that is true. you are responsible for yours. I wish you both all the best (((peace)))
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 12, 2016
2HP wrote:
Dear Friend, I am so happy that your wife is doing well, praise to her Higher Power!
After all previous replies, you know that your question is yours alone to answer. But Al-Anon is the room that invites us to focus on ourselves, something long-neglected by the time I crawled in. In your post, I saw your concern over your own drinking. I do know this, alcoholism can run in families. so good for you for holding up a mirror and taking the time to examine that. Even though I put everyone else under the microscope, I'm still powerless. However, I do have power to be the person I want to be and that's when life gets good.
That said, I like to keep in mind what they say about alcoholics having an "allergy" to alcohol, meaning that once they start, they have an alcoholic reaction. I did stop drinking around my alcoholic, even though he didn't stop. I have family members that have other types of allergies, one to dairy and another to cats. I keep dairy and cats away because I love them, and love is kind, right?
It would seem logical that since she is so new to recovery, she is still shaky... we didn't get sick overnight, we don't get well overnight either. You are not responsible for her recovery, though, that is true. you are responsible for yours. I wish you both all the best (((peace)))
I did have some concern just because the pattern was not my norm. I've always tried to not use alcohol as a crutch - not drink when depressed, stressed, etc. I did break that rule. I do have to say that I am also very introspective and that has led to me questioning myself and is probably why it would be unlikely to be an alcoholic. My drinking the last week or so wasn't anything most would consider problematic but I will always question and judge myself.
As for the allergy thing, I do think that probably applies to many (my wife included) but it doesn't really fit the pattern of my dad who became an alcoholic simply out of boredom in retirement. I would think that I could never be an alcoholic (a dangerous assumption) if I believed all alcoholics were that way from the first drink because I know I wasn't. (I drank some in college but my first wife was someone controlling and refused to allow me to have a drink - or even eat the rum cake at my sister's wedding. While I didn't like the control, a desire to drink wasn't something important.)
Jerry F said
Sep 12, 2016
CH I am a grateful member of the world wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups and also a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous and all of my ESH, and education and wisdom (experience with/and founded knowledge) have supported my non-usage of all mind and mood altering chemicals; alcohol included. My sponsor suggested that I "get humble" in early recovery and went on to tell me that it meant being teachable. My education includes and isn't limited to life experiences and also college course study. Alcohol is a solvent a poison a mind and mood altering chemical in spite of my self perceptions and practices...it changes me and not the other way around no matter how much I justify and/or deny...it is manufactured to alter and that is what it does and has done for over 3000 years before the life of the Christ and I am powerless over what it is and what it does no matter to who. I never had to "feel" drunk to be under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs for that matter. The greatest distance between me and the affect is the distance between my tongue and my central nervous system as alcohol doesn't need to get into my stomach to start the affect. It can and does pass thru the blood brain barrier and into the "control system" of Jerry F and then Jerry F is an affected Jerry F. I never intended myself to be an affected Jerry F and neither did my family and friends and neighbors and all others. It affected me and I affected them.
It is a solvent (can remove paint) a poison and mind and mood altering chemical .period. my home is alcohol free territory a very safe zone. I it never today...under the influence. I maintain my power over it. Should anybody refrain from drinking? (((((hugs)))))
pinkchip said
Sep 12, 2016
The allergy thing is metaphor mostly. The progression or alcoholism is almost always insideous. The "allergy" is a good comparison when is becomes clear that ingestion of alcohol triggers craving for a person....meaning it now is causing a negative physical reaction that it didn't before necessarily. Sometimes it takes several bee stings or years or exposure to a certain environment to get allergies. So the alcohol/allergy thing sorta makes sense even if it comes later in life. It becomes an allergy when that invisible line is crossed in the brain....
CH_Husband_Dad said
Sep 14, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
The allergy thing is metaphor mostly. The progression or alcoholism is almost always insideous. The "allergy" is a good comparison when is becomes clear that ingestion of alcohol triggers craving for a person....meaning it now is causing a negative physical reaction that it didn't before necessarily. Sometimes it takes several bee stings or years or exposure to a certain environment to get allergies. So the alcohol/allergy thing sorta makes sense even if it comes later in life. It becomes an allergy when that invisible line is crossed in the brain....
I got that it was a metaphor and I see what you are saying.
I've just heard some people say that an alcoholic is always an alcoholic from the very first drink. I think that is true with many but it could be dangerous for some who didn't feel a pull towards alcohol for years or decades and assumed they are immune to the disease.
I would say my wife was an alcoholic from the first drink even if she was in more control of it for a time. It still had her. But I also believe that anyone could become an alcoholic if they allowed themselves to. I say that because I've seen people who drank rarely for a long time and had just a little more and more year after year until they found themselves with a problem.
That's why I am introspective when it comes to my drinking.
My wife just recently returned from rehab. She is doing well. We have had some issues and they may have been caused by my own insecurities.
Anyway, she threw me a birthday party last week. She bought some beer and some wine that she wouldn't have liked for the guests. I had a beer and offered to others (she asked me to do so as she didn't want to be the one to offer) but nobody accepted and it was a little awkward. I think they just didn't know what to do. It left me feeling a little like I was being judged for having the beer. I did talk to a couple of friends and one said she would have had a beer if offered (by the time she arrived I had stop offering) and the other said that had I explained the situation she would have shared a drink.
Anyway, my wife has been adamant that she does not want me to stop drinking. I have been insistent that she is more important to me than a drink.
The question is, should I take her lead and go ahead and have a beer from now and then or should I take the lead and just keep alcohol out of the house and not drink in front of her? I do enjoy a drink or two on occasion so if she is truly okay (not tempted, not jealous or resentful) then I wouldn't mind doing so but I could go either way.
One caveat of all of this: Because of the stress of her legal troubles, caring for our special needs child during her rehab stay, and our struggles on her return, I have been drinking more than I normally do. In a normal situation, a six pack of beer could sit in my fridge for a month. I've been having a couple of beers a night. My dad was a social drinker who developed an addiction after his retirement (in his 60's) so I definitely am aware of the idea that someone who has been a light drinker for decades could slowly build up a problem. (My dad went to rehab about 15 years ago and he has been fine since. He even has a single drink every once in a while so I don't think he fits the normal mold. My dad could not handle being without my mom for even a week so when my mom died I thought that would trigger my dad back to alcoholism but it didn't. Still to this day I don't know how he has done it.)
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Saturday 3rd of September 2016 09:49:36 AM
-- Edited by CH_Husband_Dad on Saturday 3rd of September 2016 09:50:22 AM
So I would say you go with what you what to do.
Prayers and positive thoughts to you and your spouse - may the miracle of recovery shine on you both - just for today!
I think there are really two questions here. One is "Should I stop drinking because my wife is in early recovery?" The answer might be "You are not required to, but many people do out of sensitivity to the one in recovery."
The second question is, "Since I have been drinking every night due to stress, and someone in my family developed a drinking problem, should I stop drinking?" To me that is the more important question. It is about your effect on you rather than your effect on someone else. It sounds like you have been coping with the increased stress in the way that both your wife and your father chose to. It is the family tradition, in a sense, though not one of those traditions that you want to pass on to others. Maybe some different ways to alleviate stress would be a great way of supporting yourself. Maybe cutting back on the drinking. If you find that's hard, then you have some important information right there.
Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Because my husband has had problems with alcohol before I met him many. many years ago, our house is an alcohol free dwelling. I was at best a social drinker and it gave me no problem giving up drinking altogether. Friends and family know and respect that we do not serve or allow alcohol in the house. We have lost several friends over the course of our marriage who would not or could not respect this. It appears they could not enjoy themselves for one evening without drinking.
I constantly have to control my weight as I have an addiction to food I believe. My husband supports me in this in that he does not purchase chips or sweet stuff to have around. And I love him for that. He is not a sweet lover so that helps. But I do know that, even if he secreted treats away out of my sight, I would still know that they were there and they would CALL to me.
Personally, I would not have alcohol in your house especially when she is so new to sobriety. It just might give both of you peace of mind to take temptation away.
CH for me it is best to do my own research (which I did in both programs and college) Alcohol is a mind/mood altering chemical and not a food source at all...this isn't health food and we all know it so I would continue drinking once I stopped? Once I became aware I watched the affects and effects drinking had on my surroundings including my friends and family and associates in the program and then went completely alcohol free and have been for a long time now (37 years). This after at one time being told that my local liquor store no longer had a favorite wine because I bought out the stock. Geeee Wizz ....Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
My husband has been sober for over 30 years - we do have liquor in our house for me and my friends. However it is very rare that I have a mixed drink in front of him. The liquor is here for my friends and I to enjoy when we get off work if we so desire. But to sit around and get plastered in front of a recovering alcoholic would just make me feel uncomfortable and very uncaring of that persons "disease". But that is just me.....everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with and what works for them and their relationship.
I think if you have to ask if you should drink in front of your wife who is newly in recovery you already know the answer....
I intentionally did not drink for a week. I did have a few beers last night while watching my university's football game. That's more normal for me. I might just make sure I continue to drink responsibly and within what has always been normal. Since I was never one to have a drink on a work night I will make sure I continue to not do that.
After all previous replies, you know that your question is yours alone to answer. But Al-Anon is the room that invites us to focus on ourselves, something long-neglected by the time I crawled in. In your post, I saw your concern over your own drinking. I do know this, alcoholism can run in families. so good for you for holding up a mirror and taking the time to examine that. Even though I put everyone else under the microscope, I'm still powerless. However, I do have power to be the person I want to be and that's when life gets good.
That said, I like to keep in mind what they say about alcoholics having an "allergy" to alcohol, meaning that once they start, they have an alcoholic reaction. I did stop drinking around my alcoholic, even though he didn't stop. I have family members that have other types of allergies, one to dairy and another to cats. I keep dairy and cats away because I love them, and love is kind, right?
It would seem logical that since she is so new to recovery, she is still shaky... we didn't get sick overnight, we don't get well overnight either. You are not responsible for her recovery, though, that is true. you are responsible for yours. I wish you both all the best (((peace)))
I did have some concern just because the pattern was not my norm. I've always tried to not use alcohol as a crutch - not drink when depressed, stressed, etc. I did break that rule. I do have to say that I am also very introspective and that has led to me questioning myself and is probably why it would be unlikely to be an alcoholic. My drinking the last week or so wasn't anything most would consider problematic but I will always question and judge myself.
As for the allergy thing, I do think that probably applies to many (my wife included) but it doesn't really fit the pattern of my dad who became an alcoholic simply out of boredom in retirement. I would think that I could never be an alcoholic (a dangerous assumption) if I believed all alcoholics were that way from the first drink because I know I wasn't. (I drank some in college but my first wife was someone controlling and refused to allow me to have a drink - or even eat the rum cake at my sister's wedding. While I didn't like the control, a desire to drink wasn't something important.)
CH I am a grateful member of the world wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups and also a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous and all of my ESH, and education and wisdom (experience with/and founded knowledge) have supported my non-usage of all mind and mood altering chemicals; alcohol included. My sponsor suggested that I "get humble" in early recovery and went on to tell me that it meant being teachable. My education includes and isn't limited to life experiences and also college course study. Alcohol is a solvent a poison a mind and mood altering chemical in spite of my self perceptions and practices...it changes me and not the other way around no matter how much I justify and/or deny...it is manufactured to alter and that is what it does and has done for over 3000 years before the life of the Christ and I am powerless over what it is and what it does no matter to who. I never had to "feel" drunk to be under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs for that matter. The greatest distance between me and the affect is the distance between my tongue and my central nervous system as alcohol doesn't need to get into my stomach to start the affect. It can and does pass thru the blood brain barrier and into the "control system" of Jerry F and then Jerry F is an affected Jerry F. I never intended myself to be an affected Jerry F and neither did my family and friends and neighbors and all others. It affected me and I affected them.
It is a solvent (can remove paint) a poison and mind and mood altering chemical .period. my home is alcohol free territory a very safe zone. I it never today...under the influence. I maintain my power over it. Should anybody refrain from drinking? (((((hugs)))))
I got that it was a metaphor and I see what you are saying.
I've just heard some people say that an alcoholic is always an alcoholic from the very first drink. I think that is true with many but it could be dangerous for some who didn't feel a pull towards alcohol for years or decades and assumed they are immune to the disease.
I would say my wife was an alcoholic from the first drink even if she was in more control of it for a time. It still had her. But I also believe that anyone could become an alcoholic if they allowed themselves to. I say that because I've seen people who drank rarely for a long time and had just a little more and more year after year until they found themselves with a problem.
That's why I am introspective when it comes to my drinking.