Advice please - healthy boundaries with dramatic friend
Taraxacum said
Sep 3, 2016
I'm realizing a woman who I started to become friends with may be very dramatic and creating chaos in her own life. I noticed a feeling in myself when we talk sometimes; I'm really trying to do or say what I think she wants me to do or say or what I think will keep her happy with me. It is an old and unhealthy pattern I don't like.
I still love her and want to be her friend but I'm so new in my recovery I find myself having negative thoughts about her choices or coming up with solutions to her problems. (Because in my head I've got it ALL figured out lol) Thankfully, none of this has passed my lips, it has been an internal conversation with my former self - and it is still making me wonder if I need to step back from the friendship a bit and give myself better tools to be her friend.
What can I do when people in my life seem to draw out my co-dependant skills I am trying to unlearn? What wonderful practice in detaching with love, staying in my own hulahoop, or other tools should I be looking for in my friendships?
This woman is really wonderful and kind, I just hope I can engage in the friendship in ways that are healthy for both of us.
hotrod said
Sep 3, 2016
Dandelion It is with my FOO as with your friend that I get the most practice using my alanon tools. Good work in seeing the inner conversations that you are having and not reacting--That is huge. I found that validating myself helped in situations like this. Simply stating my ESH regarding the subject and then offering compassion and support (as is done at a meeting)helped. Good Luck
Iamhere said
Sep 3, 2016
I'm with Betty on this....I also impose pauses in my discussions as my past behavior would have been to offer the solutions, then offer to do the solutions and ultimately fix anything I could - it helped me feel needed...
Now, if I pause, or even just say, Let me think on that - my mind is jumbled --- even my neediest friends/relatives have the strength and power within to problem-solve for themselves.
I am always throwing out slogans - to anybody that needs it....Easy Does It., Just for Today, One Day at a Time, Why are you worried about Christmas - it's September? Anyone who hangs with me knows I am a straight shooter and will say what I mean usually very direct.
My favorite response to, Tell me what you think about......is You may not want to know what I really think - let me see if I can soften it for you. That usually stops others from asking!
Boundaries in my life/recovery today are not for qualifiers only - they are for me and apply to all/most of my relationships.
(((Hugs)))
Taraxacum said
Sep 3, 2016
Thank you for your insights, this is really helpful. In the past I would have been fixing things or running away from her all together. It feels nice to find another way of being a healthy friend to someone.
Calm Lady said
Sep 4, 2016
Interesting shares, thank you. Good work on your awareness of being pulled towards your old patterns. I notice this in myself to now, which I am pleased about.
I get a certain feeling in my tummy which alerts me. I can then step back from falling into my old role.
I'm realizing a woman who I started to become friends with may be very dramatic and creating chaos in her own life. I noticed a feeling in myself when we talk sometimes; I'm really trying to do or say what I think she wants me to do or say or what I think will keep her happy with me. It is an old and unhealthy pattern I don't like.
I still love her and want to be her friend but I'm so new in my recovery I find myself having negative thoughts about her choices or coming up with solutions to her problems. (Because in my head I've got it ALL figured out lol) Thankfully, none of this has passed my lips, it has been an internal conversation with my former self - and it is still making me wonder if I need to step back from the friendship a bit and give myself better tools to be her friend.
What can I do when people in my life seem to draw out my co-dependant skills I am trying to unlearn? What wonderful practice in detaching with love, staying in my own hulahoop, or other tools should I be looking for in my friendships?
This woman is really wonderful and kind, I just hope I can engage in the friendship in ways that are healthy for both of us.
Dandelion It is with my FOO as with your friend that I get the most practice using my alanon tools. Good work in seeing the inner conversations that you are having and not reacting--That is huge.
I found that validating myself helped in situations like this. Simply stating my ESH regarding the subject and then offering compassion and support (as is done at a meeting)helped.
Good Luck
Now, if I pause, or even just say, Let me think on that - my mind is jumbled --- even my neediest friends/relatives have the strength and power within to problem-solve for themselves.
I am always throwing out slogans - to anybody that needs it....Easy Does It., Just for Today, One Day at a Time, Why are you worried about Christmas - it's September? Anyone who hangs with me knows I am a straight shooter and will say what I mean usually very direct.
My favorite response to, Tell me what you think about......is You may not want to know what I really think - let me see if I can soften it for you. That usually stops others from asking!
Boundaries in my life/recovery today are not for qualifiers only - they are for me and apply to all/most of my relationships.
(((Hugs)))
I get a certain feeling in my tummy which alerts me. I can then step back from falling into my old role.
I am grateful I notice it now.