You guys. I completely detached with love from my ex. I got a dog. I got two great job opportunities. I'm getting in shape again. I was getting some distance... And then I relapsed. I actually went to a party, and now I just see the whole alcoholic and co-dependent relationships. A FA ended up talking to me as my best friend had told him a little bit of what I was going through. Letting him know what my ex-A was doing, he was thoroughly impressed with his resolve and said he was doing the right things. He told me that I shouldn't be not responding to him, as alcoholics already hate themselves and that doesn't help, and to reach out and I did.. And we talked for a bit and it was nice. But I can't stop worrying about him, through everything. I always think of that scary night, a night he won't ever have to remember. Couple more weeks of silence and I reached out again and I left him a voice message just talking about a really sweet moment between he and I and he didn't respond.. I ended up removing him and all his friends and family from my social media, which was needed, but I did reach out to his mom to tell him how I've been. She was really proud of me, her and I were really close. He reached out to me this morning and said he really appreciated my message and also that he was diagnosed bipolar and has had a rough time lately.. The day after the rock bottom I suggested he look into getting checked for that from the way he was acting while he came to terms with being an alcoholic. After he texted me, I was angry and told him this would be a face to face conversation, not a texting thing. Then I followed with letting him know I appreciated him sharing that and I know that it must have been difficult. He made an excuse for not seeing me, I tried again, and he didn't respond, he doesn't want to see me. This is all so hard, it's difficult to not take it personally. Pretty upset and my dog doesn't know what is wrong and why I'm randomly crying.
-- Edited by OptimisticPi on Friday 2nd of September 2016 09:39:16 PM
geems said
Sep 2, 2016
Hope you've found some peace from the drama by using the program. That level of crisis you were in isn't good for anybody. Ask the puppy. Peace friend.
Mattie said
Sep 3, 2016
Sometimes when we "touch the stove" again, it helps us see that it really is hot. It's clear that he doesn't have it in him to be a well-balanced and healthy partner. And the old chaos and pain is so familiar, isn't it? Horribly so.
I hope you and your pup will take good care of yourselves.
jojo8466 said
Sep 3, 2016
Why am I not surprised that the FA told you to reach out to your ex A because the A was already hating themselves and feeling bad....A's are all about themselves....what they need, want, etc.....they are very selfish individuals....they don't take into consideration how their disease has affected other people's lives or what feelings those people might need to be dealing with. So obviously this FA is going to watch out for your ex A and only offer suggestions to help the A and no suggestions to take care of you. To me if this FA was talking to you like a best friend they would of told you to not worry about what the A is doing, his HP will take care of him, you need to focus on you and working your program and whatever will be will be. Or they would of suggested you contact someone in Al-Anon to get support because they can't give you the support you need.....and they know that.
You took the advise of someone you trusted and that is fine - you just forgot that the person you were taking advise from was truly looking out for another A and not you....
Live and learn....quit crying....move on.....and yes I know how hard it is but for your own mental and emotional state it's what you need to do.
hotrod said
Sep 3, 2016
You were doing well OptimisticPi!!! Please remember that we too have the disease of alcoholism and express it in a slightly different manner .Detaching and no contact help us to focus on ourselves and to rebuild our lives with self esteem and self worth (As you have done).
Please continue to attend your alanon meetings as your recovery is essential.
Iamhere said
Sep 3, 2016
(((OptimisticPi))) - a slip is just that - it's a slip. Today is a new day and we are blessed in recovery that we can work on us just for today. Dwelling on yesterday or any part of the past keeps us from the spirit and joy of this moment, today. Projecting into the future also robs us of today.
As a double winner, I understand what was suggested and it's so very true. No person in recovery on either side of the table WILL EVER be able to understand the hurt, pain, agony, fear and experience of another person. It is very true that self-hatred in alcoholics is as common, more so as selfishness. Because of Ego, it will rarely be admitted to - often one doesn't even know how much self-hatred exists until/unless they seek recovery.
When I am able to pause and consider my own pain and sadness, today through recovery I know and understand that my qualifiers feel the same way about their lives. They are as full of fear as we are. They are as uncertain about the future as we are. As easy as it is for us to reach out and re-engage, it's that easy for them to pick up a drink. We are addicted to them and the fantasy in our thinking of what it could/should be. They are addicted to substance(s).
In my experience, when I slip, I can bring myself back from it much faster using our program and the tools. You did not do wrong, you are not wrong and your journey is your own. All that we work on for ourselves is attempted by them too - my eyes were opened in Al-Anon to the extent of the damage I did when active and I had already been sober more than 20 years. We never stop growing, learning, changing in our spiritual recovery journey - ever.
So - just for today, set aside all negativity towards yourself and others. Do something kind and gentle, just for you. Take a walk, hug your dog, pop some corn and watch a movie - know that your efforts and your recovery are exactly where they should be. Trust God to lead you where you need to be/go and then let it all go.
You are not alone - we're just a post away!
Jerry F said
Sep 3, 2016
That is a relapse experience O...it happens and if we choose we get to learn from it. For the moment it feels real sucky however when I turned mine over to my HP the experience was grand. Turn him and yourself over to HP at the same time HP can handle it. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
You guys. I completely detached with love from my ex. I got a dog. I got two great job opportunities. I'm getting in shape again. I was getting some distance... And then I relapsed. I actually went to a party, and now I just see the whole alcoholic and co-dependent relationships. A FA ended up talking to me as my best friend had told him a little bit of what I was going through. Letting him know what my ex-A was doing, he was thoroughly impressed with his resolve and said he was doing the right things. He told me that I shouldn't be not responding to him, as alcoholics already hate themselves and that doesn't help, and to reach out and I did.. And we talked for a bit and it was nice. But I can't stop worrying about him, through everything. I always think of that scary night, a night he won't ever have to remember. Couple more weeks of silence and I reached out again and I left him a voice message just talking about a really sweet moment between he and I and he didn't respond.. I ended up removing him and all his friends and family from my social media, which was needed, but I did reach out to his mom to tell him how I've been. She was really proud of me, her and I were really close. He reached out to me this morning and said he really appreciated my message and also that he was diagnosed bipolar and has had a rough time lately.. The day after the rock bottom I suggested he look into getting checked for that from the way he was acting while he came to terms with being an alcoholic. After he texted me, I was angry and told him this would be a face to face conversation, not a texting thing. Then I followed with letting him know I appreciated him sharing that and I know that it must have been difficult. He made an excuse for not seeing me, I tried again, and he didn't respond, he doesn't want to see me. This is all so hard, it's difficult to not take it personally. Pretty upset and my dog doesn't know what is wrong and why I'm randomly crying.
-- Edited by OptimisticPi on Friday 2nd of September 2016 09:39:16 PM
Sometimes when we "touch the stove" again, it helps us see that it really is hot. It's clear that he doesn't have it in him to be a well-balanced and healthy partner. And the old chaos and pain is so familiar, isn't it? Horribly so.
I hope you and your pup will take good care of yourselves.
Why am I not surprised that the FA told you to reach out to your ex A because the A was already hating themselves and feeling bad....A's are all about themselves....what they need, want, etc.....they are very selfish individuals....they don't take into consideration how their disease has affected other people's lives or what feelings those people might need to be dealing with. So obviously this FA is going to watch out for your ex A and only offer suggestions to help the A and no suggestions to take care of you. To me if this FA was talking to you like a best friend they would of told you to not worry about what the A is doing, his HP will take care of him, you need to focus on you and working your program and whatever will be will be. Or they would of suggested you contact someone in Al-Anon to get support because they can't give you the support you need.....and they know that.
You took the advise of someone you trusted and that is fine - you just forgot that the person you were taking advise from was truly looking out for another A and not you....
Live and learn....quit crying....move on.....and yes I know how hard it is but for your own mental and emotional state it's what you need to do.
Please continue to attend your alanon meetings as your recovery is essential.
As a double winner, I understand what was suggested and it's so very true. No person in recovery on either side of the table WILL EVER be able to understand the hurt, pain, agony, fear and experience of another person. It is very true that self-hatred in alcoholics is as common, more so as selfishness. Because of Ego, it will rarely be admitted to - often one doesn't even know how much self-hatred exists until/unless they seek recovery.
When I am able to pause and consider my own pain and sadness, today through recovery I know and understand that my qualifiers feel the same way about their lives. They are as full of fear as we are. They are as uncertain about the future as we are. As easy as it is for us to reach out and re-engage, it's that easy for them to pick up a drink. We are addicted to them and the fantasy in our thinking of what it could/should be. They are addicted to substance(s).
In my experience, when I slip, I can bring myself back from it much faster using our program and the tools. You did not do wrong, you are not wrong and your journey is your own. All that we work on for ourselves is attempted by them too - my eyes were opened in Al-Anon to the extent of the damage I did when active and I had already been sober more than 20 years. We never stop growing, learning, changing in our spiritual recovery journey - ever.
So - just for today, set aside all negativity towards yourself and others. Do something kind and gentle, just for you. Take a walk, hug your dog, pop some corn and watch a movie - know that your efforts and your recovery are exactly where they should be. Trust God to lead you where you need to be/go and then let it all go.
You are not alone - we're just a post away!
That is a relapse experience O...it happens and if we choose we get to learn from it. For the moment it feels real sucky however when I turned mine over to my HP the experience was grand. Turn him and yourself over to HP at the same time HP can handle it. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))