As I read posts and live my crappy life, I have to ask "why are we doing this?" Why do we put up with the BS day in and day out??? My binge AH just continues to lie and lie more. Says he is going to quit but just keeps going. Can't get up for work in the morning or has to take a break in the middle of the day. We own our own business and I have a full time job but i am the one who has to be there at our business when I am not at my other job. I can't just detach and let things happen due to his drinking because it effects me and my customers. Easy to say that I need to let him clean up his own mess but then the bills don't get paid. He doesn't give a crap. All he cares about is his next drink. Alcoholics are selfish liars. I don't know why we continue to love them. I am so tired of dealing with it.
Iamhere said
Sep 2, 2016
Welcome tired of it to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. We each stay or leave based on our own circumstances. I understand your anger, fear, frustration and more....the best suggestion I can make is to attend Al-Anon meetings. You will find support for living with the disease and support for making changes in your life to improve your circumstances.
Keep coming back - sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
jojo8466 said
Sep 2, 2016
tired of it wrote:
As I read posts and live my crappy life, I have to ask "why are we doing this?" Why do we put up with the BS day in and day out??? My binge AH just continues to lie and lie more. Says he is going to quit but just keeps going. Can't get up for work in the morning or has to take a break in the middle of the day. We own our own business and I have a full time job but i am the one who has to be there at our business when I am not at my other job. I can't just detach and let things happen due to his drinking because it effects me and my customers. Easy to say that I need to let him clean up his own mess but then the bills don't get paid. He doesn't give a crap. All he cares about is his next drink. Alcoholics are selfish liars. I don't know why we continue to love them. I am so tired of dealing with it.
I completely understand how you feel! Even though I don't live with the A in / out of my life (back and forth, back and forth) I know how you are at your wits end and I can understand why! The mental and emotional toll his drinking has caused me (who isn't the addict) just angers me to no end. And to of let myself become such a weak, needy person feeling like I can't survive life without him makes me sick. I use to be a strong woman - my way or the highway - didn't put up with anyone's b.s. And then I fell in love with a selfish, lying and controlling A and lost / or should I say "gave up" all control over my own life.
I will pray for you that things get better and that you find the strength to do whatever you need to do to be happy, alive and in control of your life again. I truly feel for you!
geems said
Sep 2, 2016
This made a huge diff for me. "In al anon we learn Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of others. Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit. Not to cover up for anothers mistakes or misdeeds. Not to create a crisis. Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events." That's the stuff I can do nothing about and is that ever a load off my mind. HP has all of that covered.
Mattie said
Sep 2, 2016
I think we continue to do it because change can be scary, and because we are addicted to the alcoholic and the chaos, strange as it may sound. And we have hope and denial.
el-cee said
Sep 2, 2016
Its a good question. I know a bit more now as to why i did for almost 20 years. I was addicted to him, the excited misery ive heard it called. Living on the edge waiting for the next crisis, its all exciting and i got addicted. I also found rewards that kept me in it. I got to blame him for everything that went wrong in my life. I blamed him for all of it, a live in scapegoat. I got to think of myself as the smart one or the good one, look at all i did and he was just a mess. I went from poor me the victim to the martyr who took everything on. I was a willing participant in our chaotic disaster of a life together and we even brought children in. Crazy. I was, he was. It was a joint mess.
I love what geems said. Its a great reminder for me. I suggest you go to alanon meetings, get the support from people who truly walked this road and walked off it and not necessarily through leaving either. Nothing changes until something changes. Good luck
Calm Lady said
Sep 4, 2016
I continue to stay as I recognise the need to work on myself to change or if I split from this alcoholic, I will just find me another one!
jojo8466 said
Sep 4, 2016
Calm Lady wrote:
I continue to stay as I recognise the need to work on myself to change or if I split from this alcoholic, I will just find me another one!
That is my biggest fear! Hooking up with another one! At this point I'm done with men for my own sanity! LOL
Calm Lady said
Sep 4, 2016
jojo8466 wrote:
Calm Lady wrote:
I continue to stay as I recognise the need to work on myself to change or if I split from this alcoholic, I will just find me another one!
That is my biggest fear! Hooking up with another one! At this point I'm done with men for my own sanity! LOL
I am on my third!!! I do not want another. Lol.
Enough !
jojo8466 said
Sep 4, 2016
Calm Lady wrote:
jojo8466 wrote:
Calm Lady wrote:
I continue to stay as I recognise the need to work on myself to change or if I split from this alcoholic, I will just find me another one!
That is my biggest fear! Hooking up with another one! At this point I'm done with men for my own sanity! LOL
I am on my third!!! I do not want another. Lol.
Enough !
Yep number 3 for me also - my first boyfriend that I had from age 15 - 20 was a drug addict and always in trouble with the law - then I married a recovering alcoholic - then I hook up with someone who had been sober for over 30 years and decided to try to start drinking again - ugh
Obviously my "picker-outer" is very broken
Iamhere said
Sep 4, 2016
I stay because I took a vow to honor my husband and my marriage, and this is my second marriage. I recognize my fight/flight instinct in recovery and for all the chaos/drama this disease brought to my marriage, I still feel blessed to be loved/honored in return. I have no doubt that prior to recovery, my picker was broken. I have no need to examine that for now as I am still married. My past patterns included picking the sickest person in the room and then trying to change them to meet my wants/needs.
I am grateful for my husband, our life, our marriage, our retirement and all that we have and have been through. Before recovery, I truly thought my best option was a divorce. Once I began working on me, that changed and any time I've processed what I am, where I am at and what God's will for me is, I've had very strong nudges that I am where I am supposed to be.
I have worked hard for a Plan B. I do not stay for financial reasons, fear or any other - I stay because this is exactly where I am supposed to be. As I've changed, our relationship has gotten stronger and stronger. It is not perfect, but I no longer want that. I would never grow if things were perfect and around my parts, we speak about gratitude for the challenges - that's when we grow the most.
I am set for life, inside or outside of this marriage. My Plan B is ready should I ever need it. Empowering myself to be completely independent helped me work through many of the reasons that others leave. God has blessed me beyond reason, and I am grateful that I am where I am. We (AH & I) are better together than we would be apart - in spite of this disease, we still compliment each other quite well.
It's been the best gift I could give to me - focusing on me, growing/changing to be a better version of me and accepting me and others exactly as they are - imperfect.
hotrod said
Sep 4, 2016
Beautiful Share IAH Thank you. I agree completely
Iamhere said
Sep 4, 2016
Thanks Betty - I absolutely love clicking through a post and seeing your beautiful smiling face!!! It brightens my day always!
Happy Sunday - off to shower before my meeting!
(((Hugs))) to all!
jojo8466 said
Sep 4, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
I stay because I took a vow to honor my husband and my marriage, and this is my second marriage. I recognize my fight/flight instinct in recovery and for all the chaos/drama this disease brought to my marriage, I still feel blessed to be loved/honored in return. I have no doubt that prior to recovery, my picker was broken. I have no need to examine that for now as I am still married. My past patterns included picking the sickest person in the room and then trying to change them to meet my wants/needs.
I am grateful for my husband, our life, our marriage, our retirement and all that we have and have been through. Before recovery, I truly thought my best option was a divorce. Once I began working on me, that changed and any time I've processed what I am, where I am at and what God's will for me is, I've had very strong nudges that I am where I am supposed to be.
I have worked hard for a Plan B. I do not stay for financial reasons, fear or any other - I stay because this is exactly where I am supposed to be. As I've changed, our relationship has gotten stronger and stronger. It is not perfect, but I no longer want that. I would never grow if things were perfect and around my parts, we speak about gratitude for the challenges - that's when we grow the most.
I am set for life, inside or outside of this marriage. My Plan B is ready should I ever need it. Empowering myself to be completely independent helped me work through many of the reasons that others leave. God has blessed me beyond reason, and I am grateful that I am where I am. We (AH & I) are better together than we would be apart - in spite of this disease, we still compliment each other quite well.
It's been the best gift I could give to me - focusing on me, growing/changing to be a better version of me and accepting me and others exactly as they are - imperfect.
I'm glad that you have made a decision that works for you and your marriage and you are content that you are doing the right thing for yourself! That is wonderful!
El said
Sep 4, 2016
I also choose to stay in my marriage. As I wrote in another post, I believe if I had the tools of Al-non during my first marriage, it might have survived. However, it didn't and although I have the issue of active alcoholism with my current husband, I know that I can still have a fulfilling life, as long as I work my program. Granted, I don't have violence, joblessness and young children to worry about. My situation is very different than others'.
Like IAH, I feel we compliment each other, and are a pretty decent team. Drives me nuts at times, but wouldn't any spouse? Again, this is MY marriage and only speak for my situation. I am in no way suggesting everone stay in their situation.
As far as picking another one....lol....this is it for me! Should the time comes I find myself alone.....I would be OK with that, too! Smiling....
Ellen
Jerry F said
Sep 4, 2016
I love and am grateful for this subject as it brings back to memory a growth period in my own recovery. I use to ask "why"?? incessantly driving my sponsor and others wild mostly because they didn't have the answers to the question at hand and my sponsor told me that the only option for what I was doing would be another question "WHY!!" if I didn't learn how to accept the things I could not change the consequence for being serenity. We arrived at the "Courage" part of the Serenity Prayer...."The courage to change the things I can..." and that in part is when my recovery started to become real. "Either do it or don't and learn to accept the outcomes...consequences".
I was taught early on that the consequence of our program wasn't sobriety as promised in AA but Serenity as promised in our program. Peace of mind and serenity...what a blessing eh? Thanks for the lessons family. Have a wonderful weekend. ((((hugs))))
maryjane said
Sep 4, 2016
My answer to "why?" is because you have not hit YOUR bottom...... and maybe you will never hit that place. You are still there fighting for "your customers, your business, your marriage, your life" because that is where you have placed importance in your life. When we do the steps we investigate all those "whys"..... and hopefully we get some answers that let us make the same choices or different choices. You can love someone with out having them ruin YOUR life. Maybe you have to love from the other side of town. Maybe you have to let the business fail. Maybe you have to let him fail. Or maybe not. You are the one who can figure out the answers, not us. There may be positives or negatives that you can or can't let happen. Think about it.
We don't just "put up with crap" for the sake of putting up with it. Live is a journey and you are always moving forward to someplace. You get to choose that someplace. It may be with the ones you are with right now or with some other people, and then when you get there you are moving again to a new someplace. Choices, choices, choices......
That is why we are always saying "take care of yourself."
tired of it said
Sep 4, 2016
Thank you all for the wonderful and insightful responses. I know everyone has their own answer, or not, to the question asked. I have thought many times about leaving but we always seem to make it through to the other side of the binge. It has been better since I have tried to let him do what he is going to do and not try to stop my AH from drinking. Only he can make the decision to stop.
like Iamhere said, I too stay because I made a vow and a commitment through better and worse. And, like others commented, my AH and I make a great team....when he is sober. People don't know about his drinking because I, right or wrong, cover for him. They just see what a great team we are. And we are!
I get very frustrated at times but I need to try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives!
Jerry F said
Sep 4, 2016
Ours is an anonymous program and only the membership in my groups knew there was a problem. These were the only people who could and would understand and be helpful. I never told anyone outside of the program that there was a problem. (((hugs)))
geems said
Sep 4, 2016
It's in this recovery environment I've learned what an authentic emotion feels like. And I like it. Recovery has made it possible for me to learn healthy responses coming from a place of peace and serenity. I look immediately to HP as soon as I feel myself start to react and fall into old habits. I love living that close to HP. The one with all the answers... while I still live with an active user.
jojo8466 said
Sep 4, 2016
El wrote:
I also choose to stay in my marriage. As I wrote in another post, I believe if I had the tools of Al-non during my first marriage, it might have survived. However, it didn't and although I have the issue of active alcoholism with my current husband, I know that I can still have a fulfilling life, as long as I work my program. Granted, I don't have violence, joblessness and young children to worry about. My situation is very different than others'.
Like IAH, I feel we compliment each other, and are a pretty decent team. Drives me nuts at times, but wouldn't any spouse? Again, this is MY marriage and only speak for my situation. I am in no way suggesting everone stay in their situation.
As far as picking another one....lol....this is it for me! Should the time comes I find myself alone.....I would be OK with that, too! Smiling....
Ellen
Great for you El for honoring your vows and choosing to stay in your marriage! I'm glad that choice works for you and that you are also content with your decision!
As I read posts and live my crappy life, I have to ask "why are we doing this?" Why do we put up with the BS day in and day out??? My binge AH just continues to lie and lie more. Says he is going to quit but just keeps going. Can't get up for work in the morning or has to take a break in the middle of the day. We own our own business and I have a full time job but i am the one who has to be there at our business when I am not at my other job. I can't just detach and let things happen due to his drinking because it effects me and my customers. Easy to say that I need to let him clean up his own mess but then the bills don't get paid. He doesn't give a crap. All he cares about is his next drink. Alcoholics are selfish liars. I don't know why we continue to love them. I am so tired of dealing with it.
Keep coming back - sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
I completely understand how you feel! Even though I don't live with the A in / out of my life (back and forth, back and forth) I know how you are at your wits end and I can understand why! The mental and emotional toll his drinking has caused me (who isn't the addict) just angers me to no end. And to of let myself become such a weak, needy person feeling like I can't survive life without him makes me sick. I use to be a strong woman - my way or the highway - didn't put up with anyone's b.s. And then I fell in love with a selfish, lying and controlling A and lost / or should I say "gave up" all control over my own life.
I will pray for you that things get better and that you find the strength to do whatever you need to do to be happy, alive and in control of your life again. I truly feel for you!
I think we continue to do it because change can be scary, and because we are addicted to the alcoholic and the chaos, strange as it may sound. And we have hope and denial.
Its a good question. I know a bit more now as to why i did for almost 20 years. I was addicted to him, the excited misery ive heard it called. Living on the edge waiting for the next crisis, its all exciting and i got addicted. I also found rewards that kept me in it. I got to blame him for everything that went wrong in my life. I blamed him for all of it, a live in scapegoat. I got to think of myself as the smart one or the good one, look at all i did and he was just a mess. I went from poor me the victim to the martyr who took everything on. I was a willing participant in our chaotic disaster of a life together and we even brought children in. Crazy. I was, he was. It was a joint mess.
I love what geems said. Its a great reminder for me. I suggest you go to alanon meetings, get the support from people who truly walked this road and walked off it and not necessarily through leaving either. Nothing changes until something changes. Good luck
That is my biggest fear! Hooking up with another one! At this point I'm done with men for my own sanity! LOL
I am on my third!!! I do not want another. Lol.
Enough !
Yep number 3 for me also - my first boyfriend that I had from age 15 - 20 was a drug addict and always in trouble with the law - then I married a recovering alcoholic - then I hook up with someone who had been sober for over 30 years and decided to try to start drinking again - ugh
Obviously my "picker-outer" is very broken
I am grateful for my husband, our life, our marriage, our retirement and all that we have and have been through. Before recovery, I truly thought my best option was a divorce. Once I began working on me, that changed and any time I've processed what I am, where I am at and what God's will for me is, I've had very strong nudges that I am where I am supposed to be.
I have worked hard for a Plan B. I do not stay for financial reasons, fear or any other - I stay because this is exactly where I am supposed to be. As I've changed, our relationship has gotten stronger and stronger. It is not perfect, but I no longer want that. I would never grow if things were perfect and around my parts, we speak about gratitude for the challenges - that's when we grow the most.
I am set for life, inside or outside of this marriage. My Plan B is ready should I ever need it. Empowering myself to be completely independent helped me work through many of the reasons that others leave. God has blessed me beyond reason, and I am grateful that I am where I am. We (AH & I) are better together than we would be apart - in spite of this disease, we still compliment each other quite well.
It's been the best gift I could give to me - focusing on me, growing/changing to be a better version of me and accepting me and others exactly as they are - imperfect.
Happy Sunday - off to shower before my meeting!
(((Hugs))) to all!
I'm glad that you have made a decision that works for you and your marriage and you are content that you are doing the right thing for yourself! That is wonderful!
I also choose to stay in my marriage. As I wrote in another post, I believe if I had the tools of Al-non during my first marriage, it might have survived. However, it didn't and although I have the issue of active alcoholism with my current husband, I know that I can still have a fulfilling life, as long as I work my program. Granted, I don't have violence, joblessness and young children to worry about. My situation is very different than others'.
Like IAH, I feel we compliment each other, and are a pretty decent team. Drives me nuts at times, but wouldn't any spouse? Again, this is MY marriage and only speak for my situation. I am in no way suggesting everone stay in their situation.
As far as picking another one....lol....this is it for me! Should the time comes I find myself alone.....I would be OK with that, too! Smiling....
Ellen
I love and am grateful for this subject as it brings back to memory a growth period in my own recovery. I use to ask "why"?? incessantly driving my sponsor and others wild mostly because they didn't have the answers to the question at hand and my sponsor told me that the only option for what I was doing would be another question "WHY!!" if I didn't learn how to accept the things I could not change the consequence for being serenity. We arrived at the "Courage" part of the Serenity Prayer...."The courage to change the things I can..." and that in part is when my recovery started to become real. "Either do it or don't and learn to accept the outcomes...consequences".
I was taught early on that the consequence of our program wasn't sobriety as promised in AA but Serenity as promised in our program. Peace of mind and serenity...what a blessing eh? Thanks for the lessons family. Have a wonderful weekend. ((((hugs))))
We don't just "put up with crap" for the sake of putting up with it. Live is a journey and you are always moving forward to someplace. You get to choose that someplace. It may be with the ones you are with right now or with some other people, and then when you get there you are moving again to a new someplace. Choices, choices, choices......
That is why we are always saying "take care of yourself."
Thank you all for the wonderful and insightful responses. I know everyone has their own answer, or not, to the question asked. I have thought many times about leaving but we always seem to make it through to the other side of the binge. It has been better since I have tried to let him do what he is going to do and not try to stop my AH from drinking. Only he can make the decision to stop.
like Iamhere said, I too stay because I made a vow and a commitment through better and worse. And, like others commented, my AH and I make a great team....when he is sober. People don't know about his drinking because I, right or wrong, cover for him. They just see what a great team we are. And we are!
I get very frustrated at times but I need to try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives!
Ours is an anonymous program and only the membership in my groups knew there was a problem. These were the only people who could and would understand and be helpful. I never told anyone outside of the program that there was a problem. (((hugs)))
Great for you El for honoring your vows and choosing to stay in your marriage! I'm glad that choice works for you and that you are also content with your decision!