I don't understand why somedays I feel so strong and other days so week - I've done really well not contacting him for a couple of days and then last night and this morning I sent texts and called him. UGH. I just make myself a nervous wreck and sick by trying to contact him and then anxious on whether he will text back, return the call etc. He answered a couple of my texts but that's it. I need to just learn to Let Go of all this....it's not good for him or I......
any tips or tricks to sticking to my guns would be appreciated!
Jill said
Sep 2, 2016
I'll be interested in others' responses. Good topic and good awareness on your part.
I've had that same experience and reaction. I had it for a long time. I had to take steps to get rid of the urge; first I prayed about wanting not to be driven to want to contact him, then I had to become willing to live without knowing about his (fill in the blank), then I asked for help not to reach out to him. Each of these steps took weeks. I moved closer to my goal slowly. Later I realized it had been gone without me noticing it.
IT's such a relief.
AlAnon supported me through each inch of that journey.
seahorselady said
Sep 2, 2016
I feel the same way with my AS. Detaching with love is what Im practicing right now...but with much anxiety.
alanonfan said
Sep 2, 2016
I think for me it's been a life long habit to wait until something becomes so toxic that you have no other choice other than to finish it and for me that's entirely due to fear of abandonment.
The key for me is to remember all of the insults, the abuse, the lies, the endless drama, the mess, the alcoholic behaviour (when drinking or not drinking) the twisted conversations, the information I've given and he's skewed to suit his purpose, the insecurity, the potential danger, the self pitying unreliable man and the longer list.
I may still find him funny, attractive and good company at times, but the bad outweighs the good.
I think making a list helps me remember and in those times when I find I'm missing some of the nice things I can then remember that I don't get the limited nice things without accepting all of the alcoholic behaviour. I don't want it so therefore I don't get sentimental.
Or I can go back to it if I really feel the need to damage myself again. It's my choice. Be healthy and calm or be sick and endlessly disappointed.
I'm still checking my phone and emails occasionally but it's wearing off and also realising that as I am working on myself, I am changing.
jojo8466 said
Sep 2, 2016
alanonfan wrote:
I think for me it's been a life long habit to wait until something becomes so toxic that you have no other choice other than to finish it and for me that's entirely due to fear of abandonment.
The key for me is to remember all of the insults, the abuse, the lies, the endless drama, the mess, the alcoholic behaviour (when drinking or not drinking) the twisted conversations, the information I've given and he's skewed to suit his purpose, the insecurity, the potential danger, the self pitying unreliable man and the longer list.
I may still find him funny, attractive and good company at times, but the bad outweighs the good.
I think making a list helps me remember and in those times when I find I'm missing some of the nice things I can then remember that I don't get the limited nice things without accepting all of the alcoholic behaviour. I don't want it so therefore I don't get sentimental.
Or I can go back to it if I really feel the need to damage myself again. It's my choice. Be healthy and calm or be sick and endlessly disappointed.
I'm still checking my phone and emails occasionally but it's wearing off and also realising that as I am working on myself, I am changing.
If you don't mind me asking was it a mutual choice to end the relationship? I tend to think it's easier on the person that decides to end it to put a stop to all text and phone calls then the person who didn't want it to end and still struggles with the reality of how alcoholism won and destroyed the relationship and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could do about it to stop it.
jojo8466 said
Sep 2, 2016
alanonfan wrote:
I think for me it's been a life long habit to wait until something becomes so toxic that you have no other choice other than to finish it and for me that's entirely due to fear of abandonment.
The key for me is to remember all of the insults, the abuse, the lies, the endless drama, the mess, the alcoholic behaviour (when drinking or not drinking) the twisted conversations, the information I've given and he's skewed to suit his purpose, the insecurity, the potential danger, the self pitying unreliable man and the longer list.
I may still find him funny, attractive and good company at times, but the bad outweighs the good.
I think making a list helps me remember and in those times when I find I'm missing some of the nice things I can then remember that I don't get the limited nice things without accepting all of the alcoholic behaviour. I don't want it so therefore I don't get sentimental.
Or I can go back to it if I really feel the need to damage myself again. It's my choice. Be healthy and calm or be sick and endlessly disappointed.
I'm still checking my phone and emails occasionally but it's wearing off and also realising that as I am working on myself, I am changing.
I appreciate the idea of writing down all the negative things that I had to endure due to his alcoholic behavior - I need to keep the bad memories in the front of my brain and the good ones in the back of my brain
jojo8466 said
Sep 2, 2016
Jill wrote:
I'll be interested in others' responses. Good topic and good awareness on your part.
I've had that same experience and reaction. I had it for a long time. I had to take steps to get rid of the urge; first I prayed about wanting not to be driven to want to contact him, then I had to become willing to live without knowing about his (fill in the blank), then I asked for help not to reach out to him. Each of these steps took weeks. I moved closer to my goal slowly. Later I realized it had been gone without me noticing it. IT's such a relief. AlAnon supported me through each inch of that journey.
I appreciate your words - I just don't feel like God answers my prayers in regards to this whole mess so I feel like praying about help with this would just go unanswered like everything else has......sorry....I'm in a down mood
Iamhere said
Sep 2, 2016
The only way I was ever able to let go and let God was by attending Al-Anon meetings, working with a sponsor, using the literature and steps and changing me and how I spent my time. I literally had to change my schedule as there were times of day (evening/night) that presented me with the most anxiety, worry and sadness. In everything I tried before Al-Anon, I slipped backwards over and over again - with the best of intentions and a firm resolve.....of course, I would then be mad at me for my addiction to another person.
The insanity of repeating the same things over and over expecting different results for me was only changed when I worked the program. No short-cuts, no ultimatums, no threats, tears, etc. were ever a peaceful solution nor lasting.
I also wasn't able to detach with love until I let go and let God and looked for my part. For anyone struggling with the concept of God, our literature and meetings, steps, etc. are all geared to you being allowed to choose a higher power of your understanding. So if the concept of God bothers you for whatever reason, you can go with GOD (good orderly direction), nature, Buddah, Group, Meetings, Program, etc.
I struggled with the God concept until I stopped wanting my way and accepted things as they are and hoped for a better way - esp. since my way was faulty at best, horrid at worst. An alcoholic who is working in recovery is told to call a program person or sponsor BEFORE drinking. In Al-Anon around here, we suggest the same BEFORE texting, contacting, coaching, counseling, worrying, etc. Meetings will give you a thousand options depending upon your willingness to try new things. Fear keeps many of us stuck for a while.
There is hope and help in recovery. Al-Anon is a spiritual program, so you will hear the concept of God or that as a solution often. It's where we all find our peace, direction and new way of living - through a personally defined HP.
alanonfan said
Sep 2, 2016
Hi Jo
I know it's really down heartening when you want something to work but there is nothing you can do to help him or get the relationship to a place where you want it to be - you can help yourself though.
In my case, it was a decision made because I had quite simply reached the end of my tolerance and it was no good for me. I have no financial commitments with him, no children with him nor do I live with him so there were no complications in that respect. I simply didn't want any more of the drama. It's taken a while to get to this stage and it was as though a light bulb had been switched on (clearly, it had been something that was crossing my mind for some time).
It doesn't mean I don't still love the man he could be without the alcohol or that I wonder if I may be missing something in the future with him. He is the man I would want to be with forever if he didn't choose to destroy his life with alcohol, but he does.
Whilst he's in denial nothing will change. And he's been in denial for over 10 years and now he's also ill. I can sacrifice myself if I want, being fairly certain that once he's got over his illness he'll start drinking again and all of the resulting behaviour will return.
God answers our prayers when we trust that what he is doing for us right now is what will be right for us in the future.
I know if I try and manipulate a situation I will end up making the wrong choices (and believe me, at times. I have tried to manipulate this. I have justified, defended and everything else until I am exhausted with myself, never mind him). At times, he would have been completely right to have ended it himself -in a way it may have saved me quite a lot of pain and heartbreak, had he done so.
Maybe ask god to help you, just YOU. If you start focusing on you and your happiness you will see how God has answered your prayers.
jojo8466 said
Sep 2, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
The only way I was ever able to let go and let God was by attending Al-Anon meetings, working with a sponsor, using the literature and steps and changing me and how I spent my time. I literally had to change my schedule as there were times of day (evening/night) that presented me with the most anxiety, worry and sadness. In everything I tried before Al-Anon, I slipped backwards over and over again - with the best of intentions and a firm resolve.....of course, I would then be mad at me for my addiction to another person.
The insanity of repeating the same things over and over expecting different results for me was only changed when I worked the program. No short-cuts, no ultimatums, no threats, tears, etc. were ever a peaceful solution nor lasting.
I also wasn't able to detach with love until I let go and let God and looked for my part. For anyone struggling with the concept of God, our literature and meetings, steps, etc. are all geared to you being allowed to choose a higher power of your understanding. So if the concept of God bothers you for whatever reason, you can go with GOD (good orderly direction), nature, Buddah, Group, Meetings, Program, etc.
I struggled with the God concept until I stopped wanting my way and accepted things as they are and hoped for a better way - esp. since my way was faulty at best, horrid at worst. An alcoholic who is working in recovery is told to call a program person or sponsor BEFORE drinking. In Al-Anon around here, we suggest the same BEFORE texting, contacting, coaching, counseling, worrying, etc. Meetings will give you a thousand options depending upon your willingness to try new things. Fear keeps many of us stuck for a while.
There is hope and help in recovery. Al-Anon is a spiritual program, so you will hear the concept of God or that as a solution often. It's where we all find our peace, direction and new way of living - through a personally defined HP.
I believe in God as our Lord and Jesus Christ - I was raised a Christian and became Catholic when I got married. I just feel like God could of kept the alcoholic person out of my life as easily as he put them in my life. Guess I'm supposed to learn something from this experience for some Godly reason.
Iamhere said
Sep 2, 2016
We do try to avoid discussion about specific organized religions. As the program suggest, we each find our own higher power and inner strength. I personally believe there are no accidents or mistakes and I am to learn from every experience in my life. My higher power wants me happy, joyous and free. When I am self-seeking or pushing for my will, it doesn't work out well.
We all have free will. Have you considered that perhaps you picked the alcoholic to be in your life when your higher power wanted something different/better for you? The program is hard to understand and accept at face value, but working the program and the steps with an open mind may/may not help you. For me, until I did accept my part in my life, there were repeated patterns that brought me similar/like results.
Jerry F said
Sep 2, 2016
Good Morning Jojo heres wishing you strength and perseverance. The process you have mentioned you are going thru is exactly the process the alcoholics and addicts go thru when trying to get clean and sober and it is the strong compulsion to keep drinking and using inspite of the awareness of the negative consequences. It is maddening and pointless to ask them "don't you know what you're doing to yourself"??. The hit and the high promises more instant relief and good feelings and affirmations that they will be all right in spite of the truth that they know they will not be.
Meetings, readings, sponsor and prayer and meditation were some of the tools which helped me most during times like this...Staying out of the way of my alcoholic/addicts and her higher power worked best. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
1911A1 said
Sep 2, 2016
Regarding prayer, I have learned that to pray for outcomes is essentially equal to me telling God what to do. As my recovery has progressed, I have learned to pray for the things that help me, such as strength, insight, clarity of vision, and wisdom. The outcomes I leave up to HP. Especially when it comes to other people - if I pray to God to make a change in that person, I'm essentially telling God to control that person for me.
Why? Because God is able to see everything from the perspective of eternity. In comparison, my view of things is like trying to look through a soda straw. I have even come to realize that he already has everything figured out!
What it comes down to for me, then, is pretty simple: do I trust God, or not? And if I trust God, that means that I trust his timing, his plan, his wisdom, and his grace. I do my part, which means I work on myself and (in my specific case) the thinking and behaviors that have attracted abusive, personality-disordered people into my life, and working my program is a vital part of doing my part.
The really hard part sometimes, especially for us Al-Anons, is discerning what is my job and what is HP's job. Many of us, when we first stumbled into the rooms, had them confused: I was trying to do God's job and expecting him to do mine. Over time, and many, many meetings, the wisdom of the program has sunk in, and I have learned that being able to do my job and leave HP's to him provides a wonderful payoff in serenity.
Keep coming back, and lean into the strength and wisdom this program offers. Blessings on ya.
marniep222 said
Sep 2, 2016
It's an addiction. Our addiction is our A's. I had to work through one day at a time. Sometimes, it's 5 minutes at a time. I found ways to do something else until the urge passed. After 2 months, it's gotten better. Still have urges (just like the A's have to choose every day not to pick up that drink), we have to choose not to contact. It's so difficult, and my thoughts are with you.
Mattie said
Sep 2, 2016
I made a list of the painful and dysfunctional things he had done. Boy, that list was long. It was easier to remember them right after he had done another one. Otherwise there is thing that kicks in where we begin to forget the reality. I bet it is the same thing that tells the drinker, "It's okay to have another one...you didn't really cause yourself any trouble by drinking ... and think of the good times ... I'm sure it will all be okay." So AA meetings have people testifying about the terrible things their drinking resulted in, so the drinkers will have less chance to forget and go into denial. We need to make our own lists. I reviewed my list when I was tempted to get in contact again. Sobered me right up! What a list - what I went through - awful.
alanonfan said
Sep 2, 2016
Hi Jo
I was brought up a Catholic but I never had any great feeling for the religion per se. My reference to God was as a higher power. Something beyond you and a trust in yourself.
I don't understand why somedays I feel so strong and other days so week - I've done really well not contacting him for a couple of days and then last night and this morning I sent texts and called him. UGH. I just make myself a nervous wreck and sick by trying to contact him and then anxious on whether he will text back, return the call etc. He answered a couple of my texts but that's it. I need to just learn to Let Go of all this....it's not good for him or I......
any tips or tricks to sticking to my guns would be appreciated!
I've had that same experience and reaction. I had it for a long time. I had to take steps to get rid of the urge; first I prayed about wanting not to be driven to want to contact him, then I had to become willing to live without knowing about his (fill in the blank), then I asked for help not to reach out to him. Each of these steps took weeks. I moved closer to my goal slowly. Later I realized it had been gone without me noticing it.
IT's such a relief.
AlAnon supported me through each inch of that journey.
The key for me is to remember all of the insults, the abuse, the lies, the endless drama, the mess, the alcoholic behaviour (when drinking or not drinking) the twisted conversations, the information I've given and he's skewed to suit his purpose, the insecurity, the potential danger, the self pitying unreliable man and the longer list.
I may still find him funny, attractive and good company at times, but the bad outweighs the good.
I think making a list helps me remember and in those times when I find I'm missing some of the nice things I can then remember that I don't get the limited nice things without accepting all of the alcoholic behaviour. I don't want it so therefore I don't get sentimental.
Or I can go back to it if I really feel the need to damage myself again. It's my choice. Be healthy and calm or be sick and endlessly disappointed.
I'm still checking my phone and emails occasionally but it's wearing off and also realising that as I am working on myself, I am changing.
If you don't mind me asking was it a mutual choice to end the relationship? I tend to think it's easier on the person that decides to end it to put a stop to all text and phone calls then the person who didn't want it to end and still struggles with the reality of how alcoholism won and destroyed the relationship and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could do about it to stop it.
I appreciate the idea of writing down all the negative things that I had to endure due to his alcoholic behavior - I need to keep the bad memories in the front of my brain and the good ones in the back of my brain
I appreciate your words - I just don't feel like God answers my prayers in regards to this whole mess so I feel like praying about help with this would just go unanswered like everything else has......sorry....I'm in a down mood
The insanity of repeating the same things over and over expecting different results for me was only changed when I worked the program. No short-cuts, no ultimatums, no threats, tears, etc. were ever a peaceful solution nor lasting.
I also wasn't able to detach with love until I let go and let God and looked for my part. For anyone struggling with the concept of God, our literature and meetings, steps, etc. are all geared to you being allowed to choose a higher power of your understanding. So if the concept of God bothers you for whatever reason, you can go with GOD (good orderly direction), nature, Buddah, Group, Meetings, Program, etc.
I struggled with the God concept until I stopped wanting my way and accepted things as they are and hoped for a better way - esp. since my way was faulty at best, horrid at worst. An alcoholic who is working in recovery is told to call a program person or sponsor BEFORE drinking. In Al-Anon around here, we suggest the same BEFORE texting, contacting, coaching, counseling, worrying, etc. Meetings will give you a thousand options depending upon your willingness to try new things. Fear keeps many of us stuck for a while.
There is hope and help in recovery. Al-Anon is a spiritual program, so you will hear the concept of God or that as a solution often. It's where we all find our peace, direction and new way of living - through a personally defined HP.
I know it's really down heartening when you want something to work but there is nothing you can do to help him or get the relationship to a place where you want it to be - you can help yourself though.
In my case, it was a decision made because I had quite simply reached the end of my tolerance and it was no good for me. I have no financial commitments with him, no children with him nor do I live with him so there were no complications in that respect. I simply didn't want any more of the drama. It's taken a while to get to this stage and it was as though a light bulb had been switched on (clearly, it had been something that was crossing my mind for some time).
It doesn't mean I don't still love the man he could be without the alcohol or that I wonder if I may be missing something in the future with him. He is the man I would want to be with forever if he didn't choose to destroy his life with alcohol, but he does.
Whilst he's in denial nothing will change. And he's been in denial for over 10 years and now he's also ill. I can sacrifice myself if I want, being fairly certain that once he's got over his illness he'll start drinking again and all of the resulting behaviour will return.
God answers our prayers when we trust that what he is doing for us right now is what will be right for us in the future.
I know if I try and manipulate a situation I will end up making the wrong choices (and believe me, at times. I have tried to manipulate this. I have justified, defended and everything else until I am exhausted with myself, never mind him). At times, he would have been completely right to have ended it himself -in a way it may have saved me quite a lot of pain and heartbreak, had he done so.
Maybe ask god to help you, just YOU. If you start focusing on you and your happiness you will see how God has answered your prayers.
I believe in God as our Lord and Jesus Christ - I was raised a Christian and became Catholic when I got married. I just feel like God could of kept the alcoholic person out of my life as easily as he put them in my life. Guess I'm supposed to learn something from this experience for some Godly reason.
We all have free will. Have you considered that perhaps you picked the alcoholic to be in your life when your higher power wanted something different/better for you? The program is hard to understand and accept at face value, but working the program and the steps with an open mind may/may not help you. For me, until I did accept my part in my life, there were repeated patterns that brought me similar/like results.
Good Morning Jojo heres wishing you strength and perseverance. The process you have mentioned you are going thru is exactly the process the alcoholics and addicts go thru when trying to get clean and sober and it is the strong compulsion to keep drinking and using inspite of the awareness of the negative consequences. It is maddening and pointless to ask them "don't you know what you're doing to yourself"??. The hit and the high promises more instant relief and good feelings and affirmations that they will be all right in spite of the truth that they know they will not be.
Meetings, readings, sponsor and prayer and meditation were some of the tools which helped me most during times like this...Staying out of the way of my alcoholic/addicts and her higher power worked best. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Why? Because God is able to see everything from the perspective of eternity. In comparison, my view of things is like trying to look through a soda straw. I have even come to realize that he already has everything figured out!
What it comes down to for me, then, is pretty simple: do I trust God, or not? And if I trust God, that means that I trust his timing, his plan, his wisdom, and his grace. I do my part, which means I work on myself and (in my specific case) the thinking and behaviors that have attracted abusive, personality-disordered people into my life, and working my program is a vital part of doing my part.
The really hard part sometimes, especially for us Al-Anons, is discerning what is my job and what is HP's job. Many of us, when we first stumbled into the rooms, had them confused: I was trying to do God's job and expecting him to do mine. Over time, and many, many meetings, the wisdom of the program has sunk in, and I have learned that being able to do my job and leave HP's to him provides a wonderful payoff in serenity.
Keep coming back, and lean into the strength and wisdom this program offers. Blessings on ya.
I made a list of the painful and dysfunctional things he had done. Boy, that list was long. It was easier to remember them right after he had done another one. Otherwise there is thing that kicks in where we begin to forget the reality. I bet it is the same thing that tells the drinker, "It's okay to have another one...you didn't really cause yourself any trouble by drinking ... and think of the good times ... I'm sure it will all be okay." So AA meetings have people testifying about the terrible things their drinking resulted in, so the drinkers will have less chance to forget and go into denial. We need to make our own lists. I reviewed my list when I was tempted to get in contact again. Sobered me right up! What a list - what I went through - awful.
I was brought up a Catholic but I never had any great feeling for the religion per se. My reference to God was as a higher power. Something beyond you and a trust in yourself.