Hello, This is so painfully hard to see what happened in the last week. My son, was charged w/ a DUI and it's been
a nightmare. He's really a great son who made a bad choice. he wasn't driving, but the engine was on. He fell asleep, he had plucked over on a side street to eat and fell asleep, that's when the police officer knocked on his window. I can't stop thinking about this. We have a really good lawyer working with him, but I'm really scared. He's never done this before. I need to go to a Al-Alonon meeting very soon. My heart is just ripping inside of me. What can I do to show him my support ? We are a very close family.
Iamhere said
Sep 1, 2016
Welcome to MIP Loretta.....glad that you found us and glad that you shared. So very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here and will send you positive thoughts/prayers.
The best suggestion I have to support your son is to let the process play out as it should. I have 2 boys and I did a ton of fixing for them which ended up prolonging their poor choices. When I stepped aside and let the consequences naturally occur, it seemed to help with learning/maturing.
He may be a 'One and Done' person - learn from his mistake and go on. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings, so do the best you can to take care of you and stay in the present. My experience is the court process moves at a snail's pace - which for me was very hard (I don't have a ton of patience but am working on that.). Living one day at a time truly helped me focus on the here and now instead of the what ifs, and if onlys.
Keep coming back - I do certainly encourage you to attend an al-anon meeting/two - there is always great information and others who can support you during this challenging time.
You are not alone - there is hope and help!
Mattie said
Sep 1, 2016
Welcome and I am glad you have found us. I am also glad you're going to head off to an Al-Anon meeting. You will find lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ESH), and the tools to help you navigate this maze.
When our loved ones get ensnared by drinking problems, we often want to rush in and rescue them from the consequences of their actions. But for them to be in this position, they have made some unwise decisions along the way, without truly considering the consequences. When we step back and let them experience the consequences, we give them the best chance of being motivated to make better decisions in the future.
When my A (alcoholic) was charged with a DUI, he got an expensive lawyer who got the charges reduced. I think that allowed my A to think the thing he wanted to think, which was, "Well, no big deal! I can go on as if it hardly happened!" By the time he got his second DUI, he had run low on money, and then he had to feel the consequences more. That kept him sober for quite some time. Sadly, not forever. Anyway, my point is that the "short, sharp shock" of natural consequences early on could be much more beneficial than softening the blow.
Your son wasn't driving when the officer found him, but he must have been drinking beforehand or he wouldn't have tested drunk. This is a serious situation and the most serious thing about situations like this is when the drinker is in too much denial to see the problem. They typically do not see the problem - or they wouldn't have gotten in that situation in the first place.
It is painful to us to see what is going on. We have the best chance of influencing the situation for good when we have the tools, strength, and support of Al-Anon. There is no "list of rules" or anything - you just get the tools by listening, joining in when you feel like it, reading the literature, and sticking with it. Just know for now that there is definitely a brighter future. I hope you'll keep coming back.
pinkchip said
Sep 1, 2016
I can't tell you how many times i have heard the story of "I just fell asleep wasted drunk with my keys in the car!" Let him figure his own legal problems out and don't be fooled. He got himself into this.
That is my gut and I am sorry if I am wrong.
Jerry F said
Sep 1, 2016
Actually I am thinking as Pink Chip mentioned. I use to tell my parents when I was a therapist, "If you didn't force him to drink you're not responsible for his drunk or..." You can look at this in a positive light if you choose. ((((hugs)))) Alcoholism isn't a moral issue.
serenity47 said
Sep 1, 2016
As upsetting as it seems to be in the present moment perhaps this is a blessing in disguise from his higher power. A gentle nudge, on the shoulder stating hey there is a natural consequence to your behaviour. He may learn from this one experience and he may not, time will tell... but in my experience softening the blow, running around fixing everything, worrying myself to death with my alcoholic child did nothing to stop it. You can be supportive by continuing to love him and allow him to sort it out himself. You will find a lot of helpful information at Alanon for yourself. Take care.,
el-cee said
Sep 2, 2016
Oh I used to clean up the mess of my adult son, it stopped him learning and growing up. I agree with Pinkchip. This belongs to him to fix and noone else. Anyone else's help will most likely harm both him and your family.
Hello, This is so painfully hard to see what happened in the last week. My son, was charged w/ a DUI and it's been
a nightmare. He's really a great son who made a bad choice. he wasn't driving, but the engine was on. He fell asleep, he had plucked over on a side street to eat and fell asleep, that's when the police officer knocked on his window. I can't stop thinking about this. We have a really good lawyer working with him, but I'm really scared. He's never done this before. I need to go to a Al-Alonon meeting very soon. My heart is just ripping inside of me. What can I do to show him my support ? We are a very close family.
The best suggestion I have to support your son is to let the process play out as it should. I have 2 boys and I did a ton of fixing for them which ended up prolonging their poor choices. When I stepped aside and let the consequences naturally occur, it seemed to help with learning/maturing.
He may be a 'One and Done' person - learn from his mistake and go on. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings, so do the best you can to take care of you and stay in the present. My experience is the court process moves at a snail's pace - which for me was very hard (I don't have a ton of patience but am working on that.). Living one day at a time truly helped me focus on the here and now instead of the what ifs, and if onlys.
Keep coming back - I do certainly encourage you to attend an al-anon meeting/two - there is always great information and others who can support you during this challenging time.
You are not alone - there is hope and help!
Welcome and I am glad you have found us. I am also glad you're going to head off to an Al-Anon meeting. You will find lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ESH), and the tools to help you navigate this maze.
When our loved ones get ensnared by drinking problems, we often want to rush in and rescue them from the consequences of their actions. But for them to be in this position, they have made some unwise decisions along the way, without truly considering the consequences. When we step back and let them experience the consequences, we give them the best chance of being motivated to make better decisions in the future.
When my A (alcoholic) was charged with a DUI, he got an expensive lawyer who got the charges reduced. I think that allowed my A to think the thing he wanted to think, which was, "Well, no big deal! I can go on as if it hardly happened!" By the time he got his second DUI, he had run low on money, and then he had to feel the consequences more. That kept him sober for quite some time. Sadly, not forever. Anyway, my point is that the "short, sharp shock" of natural consequences early on could be much more beneficial than softening the blow.
Your son wasn't driving when the officer found him, but he must have been drinking beforehand or he wouldn't have tested drunk. This is a serious situation and the most serious thing about situations like this is when the drinker is in too much denial to see the problem. They typically do not see the problem - or they wouldn't have gotten in that situation in the first place.
It is painful to us to see what is going on. We have the best chance of influencing the situation for good when we have the tools, strength, and support of Al-Anon. There is no "list of rules" or anything - you just get the tools by listening, joining in when you feel like it, reading the literature, and sticking with it. Just know for now that there is definitely a brighter future. I hope you'll keep coming back.
That is my gut and I am sorry if I am wrong.
Actually I am thinking as Pink Chip mentioned. I use to tell my parents when I was a therapist, "If you didn't force him to drink you're not responsible for his drunk or..." You can look at this in a positive light if you choose. ((((hugs))))
Alcoholism isn't a moral issue.
Oh I used to clean up the mess of my adult son, it stopped him learning and growing up. I agree with Pinkchip. This belongs to him to fix and noone else. Anyone else's help will most likely harm both him and your family.