The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. ~ Thomas Merton
Todays reading addresses the tendency to try to change other people. The author admitted they regularly attempted this to ensure they got what they wanted out of a relationship. With the flawed mindset that our dissatisfaction is caused by the perceived shortcomings of others, changing others can become a full time pursuit.
In AlAnon, however, we seek peace and serenity through change in ourselves, not others. The author suggests examining our expectations: Do we respect and appreciate others, allowing for their individuality? After all, we cant expect one person to deliver or match all of our needs and wants.
Todays Reminder is strong: Trying to change others is futile, foolish, and not loving. Rather than looking at others as the problem, try looking for what thoughts and actions we can change.
***********
This page is one of my Big Five pages for personal attention and work. I tried to do with my qualifier what I had done with everyone else in my life: demand or shape change until they delivered the particular goal that I deemed desirable. I truly believed that my ways were better, and therefore, deserved to be enforced.
When I tried these tactics against Alcohol, however, I wore myself out emotionally, mentally, and physically. I also wore out my qualifier, denying them the opportunity to be themselves and find their own recovery, higher power, and dignity.
AlAnon face to face meetings, books, and fellowship guided me to the wisdom of changing my own unhealthy perspectives and respecting others right to handle their own. Awareness has become responsibility and is an area of continued work, but the rewards are rich when I apply program principles.
Love and respect are greatest when I can show them even when others beliefs and behavior dont align with my ideals. This is a great page for me, a reminder to show respect and love to everyone, including, and especially, those suffering from the disease. So grateful for the wisdom of the program
hotrod said
Aug 31, 2016
Hi Paul, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this important alanon principle.
Growing up in an alcoholic home i learned many destructive patterns of behavior ( that I thought were quite normal) and the way to "love".
For example Denying reality , pretending that all was well , manipulating others to change and do what I wanted to name a few. It never dawned on me that my beliefs and tools were faulty and I needed to change until I attended alanon. I was finally able to "keep an open mind" and learn . I saw that I solved issues by blaming ,judging and critiquing others and since I was "perfect there was no need to look at myself" how wrong I was.
Letting go of expectations is a huge one for me and even today after many years and countless reworking of the Steps, I find I am not completely free of this nemesis.
Today i am grateful for all the alanon tools that i have implemented so I can see how I am still hurting myself I am also grateful for the principles that I have embraced and can place them over my negative personality. This allows me to go on to treat each individual with courtesy and respect while taking care of myself.
Thanks for your service-- Have a lovely day.
Iamhere said
Aug 31, 2016
Thank you Paul for the daily, your ESH and your service. I too am guilty of trying to change/mold others to fit my needs/wants. There was no malice on my part, I just ASSumed that if someone loved me enough, they would ................................................................................................................
My expectations were extremely distorted. I also lived in a fantasy place that we all define love, commitment, loyalty, integrity, etc. the same - so not reality. My values may align with yours, but how we perceive the meaning of those can be different.
I too am so grateful that Al-Anon has taught me that no matter how similar we might be, we are all different and imperfect. We have a world full of imperfect people living in an imperfect world and if I focus on celebrating the differences instead of fearing them, my serenity is much better off.
It is through the literature, the steps and total honesty in working on me that I have been able to accept the differences in others and co-exist in peace without judging. I can never assume to understand the mind or reasoning of another - it's just not a good use of my time!
Make it a great day all - dinner plans with the grand-babies tonight and a meeting today. I am looking forward to both!
El said
Aug 31, 2016
These are very important topics for me; changing others and expecting all my needs to be met by one person.
I firmly believe we are where we are in life for a reason. We can't go back in time with the knowledge we now have.....we had to learn from our mistakes in order to especially grow emotionally and spiritually. However, I can't help but feel sad that I didn't know about Al-anon during my first marriage. Of course we were young, but I became so disenchanted when I found so much fault with my then husband and felt I didn't love him anymore because we were so different. I never accepted his individuality and quirks and opinions, because OF COURSE I was right! ALL THE TIME.
I don't miss my ex or wish I was still with him, but I feel a sadness that I didn't have the tools, maturity or patience to work it out. That is one of the reasons I will stay with my current AH. I now have the tools, resources and support to accept who he is (not always a picnic) and still have a satisfying, full life. That is where I am now in my life. As long as I am not feeling physically threatened, I am good. I am grateful for the ability to finally see the bigger picture - not a selfie!!
It is not possible to truly change anyone else. It is not possible to get all our needs met by one person.
Hugs and love to all,
Ellen
geems said
Aug 31, 2016
hotrod wrote:
Hi Paul, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this important alanon principle. Growing up in an alcoholic home i learned many destructive patterns of behavior ( that I thought were quite normal) and the way to "love".
For example Denying reality , pretending that all was well , manipulating others to change and do what I wanted to name a few. It never dawned on me that my beliefs and tools were faulty and I needed to change until I attended alanon. I was finally able to "keep an open mind" and learn . I saw that I solved issues by blaming ,judging and critiquing others and since I was "perfect there was no need to look at myself" how wrong I was.
Letting go of expectations is a huge one for me and even today after many years and countless reworking of the Steps, I find I am not completely free of this nemesis.
Today i am grateful for all the alanon tools that i have implemented so I can see how I am still hurting myself I am also grateful for the principles that I have embraced and can place them over my negative personality. This allows me to go on to treat each individual with courtesy and respect while taking care of myself.
Thanks for your service-- Have a lovely day.
You really do get it. You work the steps and focus on self improvement. I aspire to that place of strength and peace you live. Thank you for not only what but how you share.
Enigmatic said
Aug 31, 2016
Thank you, Betty and IAH, it is always encouraging hear that continued work is a part of seasoned AlAnon members, too The ESH you both share reveal the benefits that come from truly working the program...always so encouraging, thank you both!
El, thank you for your share, I can relate to wondering occasionally how I would have used AlAnon tools earlier in my life. But I am learning to use them now, and that's what counts! And, your: "I am grateful for the ability to finally see the bigger picture - not a selfie!!" - love it!
As IAH shared, "We have a world full of imperfect people living in an imperfect world and if I focus on celebrating the differences instead of fearing them, my serenity is much better off." - So true, I am using that in my focus this week.
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. ~ Thomas Merton
Todays reading addresses the tendency to try to change other people. The author admitted they regularly attempted this to ensure they got what they wanted out of a relationship. With the flawed mindset that our dissatisfaction is caused by the perceived shortcomings of others, changing others can become a full time pursuit.
In AlAnon, however, we seek peace and serenity through change in ourselves, not others. The author suggests examining our expectations: Do we respect and appreciate others, allowing for their individuality? After all, we cant expect one person to deliver or match all of our needs and wants.
Todays Reminder is strong: Trying to change others is futile, foolish, and not loving. Rather than looking at others as the problem, try looking for what thoughts and actions we can change.
***********
This page is one of my Big Five pages for personal attention and work. I tried to do with my qualifier what I had done with everyone else in my life: demand or shape change until they delivered the particular goal that I deemed desirable. I truly believed that my ways were better, and therefore, deserved to be enforced.
When I tried these tactics against Alcohol, however, I wore myself out emotionally, mentally, and physically. I also wore out my qualifier, denying them the opportunity to be themselves and find their own recovery, higher power, and dignity.
AlAnon face to face meetings, books, and fellowship guided me to the wisdom of changing my own unhealthy perspectives and respecting others right to handle their own. Awareness has become responsibility and is an area of continued work, but the rewards are rich when I apply program principles.
Love and respect are greatest when I can show them even when others beliefs and behavior dont align with my ideals. This is a great page for me, a reminder to show respect and love to everyone, including, and especially, those suffering from the disease. So grateful for the wisdom of the program
Growing up in an alcoholic home i learned many destructive patterns of behavior ( that I thought were quite normal) and the way to "love".
For example Denying reality , pretending that all was well , manipulating others to change and do what I wanted to name a few. It never dawned on me that my beliefs and tools were faulty and I needed to change until I attended alanon. I was finally able to "keep an open mind" and learn . I saw that I solved issues by blaming ,judging and critiquing others and since I was "perfect there was no need to look at myself" how wrong I was.
Letting go of expectations is a huge one for me and even today after many years and countless reworking of the Steps, I find I am not completely free of this nemesis.
Today i am grateful for all the alanon tools that i have implemented so I can see how I am still hurting myself I am also grateful for the principles that I have embraced and can place them over my negative personality. This allows me to go on to treat each individual with courtesy and respect while taking care of myself.
Thanks for your service-- Have a lovely day.
My expectations were extremely distorted. I also lived in a fantasy place that we all define love, commitment, loyalty, integrity, etc. the same - so not reality. My values may align with yours, but how we perceive the meaning of those can be different.
I too am so grateful that Al-Anon has taught me that no matter how similar we might be, we are all different and imperfect. We have a world full of imperfect people living in an imperfect world and if I focus on celebrating the differences instead of fearing them, my serenity is much better off.
It is through the literature, the steps and total honesty in working on me that I have been able to accept the differences in others and co-exist in peace without judging. I can never assume to understand the mind or reasoning of another - it's just not a good use of my time!
Make it a great day all - dinner plans with the grand-babies tonight and a meeting today. I am looking forward to both!
These are very important topics for me; changing others and expecting all my needs to be met by one person.
I firmly believe we are where we are in life for a reason. We can't go back in time with the knowledge we now have.....we had to learn from our mistakes in order to especially grow emotionally and spiritually. However, I can't help but feel sad that I didn't know about Al-anon during my first marriage. Of course we were young, but I became so disenchanted when I found so much fault with my then husband and felt I didn't love him anymore because we were so different. I never accepted his individuality and quirks and opinions, because OF COURSE I was right! ALL THE TIME.
I don't miss my ex or wish I was still with him, but I feel a sadness that I didn't have the tools, maturity or patience to work it out. That is one of the reasons I will stay with my current AH. I now have the tools, resources and support to accept who he is (not always a picnic) and still have a satisfying, full life. That is where I am now in my life. As long as I am not feeling physically threatened, I am good. I am grateful for the ability to finally see the bigger picture - not a selfie!!
It is not possible to truly change anyone else. It is not possible to get all our needs met by one person.
Hugs and love to all,
Ellen
You really do get it. You work the steps and focus on self improvement. I aspire to that place of strength and peace you live. Thank you for not only what but how you share.
El, thank you for your share, I can relate to wondering occasionally how I would have used AlAnon tools earlier in my life. But I am learning to use them now, and that's what counts! And, your: "I am grateful for the ability to finally see the bigger picture - not a selfie!!" - love it!
As IAH shared, "We have a world full of imperfect people living in an imperfect world and if I focus on celebrating the differences instead of fearing them, my serenity is much better off." - So true, I am using that in my focus this week.
Thanks all!