I'm in love with a man and have been with him for three years now but he is a binge drinker . When he reaches a certain point with drinking, a change comes over him. He becomes verbally insulting to other people and this invariably turns on me by the end of the night. What really hurts is that he has repeatedly told me he wants to finish with me at these times . The first time this happened I was so hurt that it caused me a relapse into depression (which I already have a history of ) . I couldnt take it that he wanted to end what we had built up . I pulled away immediately but he was back the next day and the next etc etc , pleading me to come back , saying he couldnt even remember what he had said. Of course, I did go back .... all was well for a while again but the whole thing was repeated over and over with drink. Sometimes I feel that he is like a wounded wild animal that has been looking to me for comfort but I must inevitably release him back into the wild. But I find it soooo hard to let him go . Am I trying to control him ? I try hard to give him as much space as possible, not to nag etc and to be my own person, independent and strong and yet , when he walks away from me, my instinct is to run after him ( although through alanon and councelling Im getting better at walking the other way ,and knowing that like the tide, he will always come back ) But I'm beginning to fear him and resent this merry go round and this insanity . I'm in al anon hoping for answers . I hope they will come .
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2016
Welcome to MIP Nancy - so glad you found us and joined in. Also, very glad to hear that you've already found Al-Anon and hope to work the program. Alcoholism is a baffling powerful disease that is never cured. It can be arrested only through recovery and abstinence...one day at a time is a slogan used for both Al-Anon and AA - reminding us all that we can't change the past, and we can't project the future.
If you engage in the program and work the steps, I believe that you will find more calm in your life and the tools you need to get what you want/need from life. It's not always easy to look at ourselves, but it certainly promotes growth on a personal level that's been a life-saving path for me.
You are not alone and there is help and hope! Keep coming back!
savingmyself said
Aug 30, 2016
Nancy, Your story sounds so very familiar to me throughout my relationship with my estranged A wife. Back and forth and back and forth, again and again. It is exhausting. I'm glad to hear you are getting the support you need bc it truly is crazy-making. You aren't alone. Good luck to you.
Calm Lady said
Aug 31, 2016
Nancy, welcome. I hear you on how exhausting it all is.
el-cee said
Aug 31, 2016
I got freedom through learning about the disease and my own part in it. I learned that I got sick too and I also became insane. Your in the right place to get help - Alanon
Nancy D said
Aug 31, 2016
Thanks everyone for taking the time and trouble to reply to me. It is such a help to know that even when my Alchoholic partner is not there with the reassurance and attention I so badly want , there are people out there who WILL answer ,
He works overseas so things are further complicated by distance . Today he only phoned me omce , probably fast asleep after a weekend binge . He usually skpes in the evening but i'm trying to release my anxiety and 'let it go' . I don't want to begin worrying again if HE's in a mood because i said or did something to annoy him . I DONT want to worry that I will b e abandoned if this man walks away ( or stumbles away ) . I need to let it be and Im really trying but the childish panicky kid is still such a strong entity inside me , She is terified her loved one will anabandon her . I know this fear goes way back to a dysfunctional but not alcoholic childood. Just two parents who gave their love with conditions to be met. And a verbally abusive father.
I went to a meeting tonight but found it little help . I hope it doesn't put me off. I just felt that people were not reaching out . Maybe I was again wanting their attention , the needy child again . I felt others were all a bit guarded and formal and I couldnt give the rant i 'd wanted to give about the sh...t I put up with last weekend but instead everyone was talking about serenity , their own progress etc while I was at stage one, just trying to stop controlling the craziness and stick to my boundaries , however difficult that is for me
Thanks again everyone for your lovely replies x
-- Edited by Nancy D on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 06:34:27 PM
Freetime said
Aug 31, 2016
Hi Nancy, I'd suggest that at the next Alanon meeting you go to, go ahead and rant for about 3 to 5 minutes. You might find yourself surrounded by hugs at the end of the meeting. Other people there might not be in the space you are today, but at least some of them have been there in the past.
Nancy D said
Aug 31, 2016
thanks Freetime, That makes complete sense and youve given me the motivation to go the the next meeting and rant if I need to lol
e_i_m said
Aug 31, 2016
Hi Nancy, welcome.
Everything that you said really resonated with me. I have sought approval and attention from unavailable people for a long time and I share your fear of abandonment. Al-anon has helped me immensely, but those feelings and reactions are still ready to come to the surface all the time.
When I first went to an al-anon, I just cried at every meeting for about two weeks and I desperately wanted someone to reach out to me and no one did. I heard so many good things in the opening, like "we suggest you try seven meetings", "you'll find even though you don't like all of us, you'll love us, just the same way we already love you" and that the group was "for those who live or have lived with the effects of alcoholism." No one reached out to me, but those words reached me. I wanted someone to say hello or to invite me to coffee, but it never happened. I kept going, though. I went to a meeting a day for quite a while, and I soaked up what everyone said. I kept hanging around, putting chairs away, waiting for someone to notice me, and it still never happened. I bought EVERY CAL (Conference Approved Literature -- the stuff they have for sale on the tables) book available and read them all cover to cover. Gradually, I started reaching out to chat with people after the meeting, but no friendships or outings ever happened. I drifted away from al-anon for several years and returned about a year ago. This time I am reaching out and trying to make a few friends. Results are mixed, though and I am working on letting go of the expectation of friendship outside of the meeting times. One of the al-anon prayers is "Let it begin with me -- when anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of al-anon reach out and let it begin with me." So when I see someone who seems to be asking for help at a meeting, I try to reach out and say hello and offer the welcome I wished I had gotten. I wonder if they didn't know I was reaching out for help.
Each meeting is different in personalities, but the same in principles. I hope you can find a meeting that will be a great fit for you!
milkwood said
Sep 1, 2016
Hello Nancy D, Welcome to MIP.
I used to worry about whether or not I might have said something to upset my A husband and then one day it dawned on me that it didn't really matter how perfect I was, I could pretty much guarantee that there was an extremely high probability that he would perceive almost anything that I said as upsetting if that was where alcohol wanted to take him in that moment. That kind of let me off the hook a bit!! I managed to stop taking it personally.
With regards to my fears of abandonment and my 'inner child' I realised that the young girl inside me needed a hug and to feel protected and safe. At the time my husband wasn't in a place to meet those needs - he had his own battles to fight. But it occurred to me that the grown up me did have some tools to protect that young inner child and I began learning about the reasonable boundaries that I needed to set to help her, to help me, feel safe. It is a learning curve that empowers me and I am so very grateful to have found it here.
Sending (((((hugs)))))
Nancy D said
Sep 1, 2016
Hi eim and Milkwood. I am so grateful for your replies to me . You are wise and perceptive and I felt understood and cared about when I read your posts. Yes , I will continue with my Alanon meetings and will try to remember that there are others there just as needy and as broken as I am . And Yes, I will especially try to protect the very needy little girl inside me who cannot take the abuse even though she loves the abuser.
Hugs to you both . You are angels
Jerry F said
Sep 1, 2016
Aloha Nancy and welcome to the family please make "one day at a time" your mind set so that you do what we do...live in the 24 hours moment. Another thing I was reminded of while reading your post was coming to grips with who you are talking about when citing "him"...mine was a "her" and I came to understand her more as my "Qualifier" for the program or my "Alcoholic/addict" and I went with the second one. I was then married to two separate human beings; my wife and my Alcoholic/Addict. She was either one or the other and I had to know which one in order to choose the part of the program I worked the hardest. She was always a child of God of course. ((((hugs))))
Nancy D said
Sep 2, 2016
Thanks Jerry F . Yes my HIM is the crazy , insane alchoholic man who abuses me when he is drunk . But he is a child of god like u said and I stil love him in spite of all logic.
Hugs to u too
candleplant said
Sep 6, 2016
Hi Nancy. I am new here also but have an alcoholic partner. Many of the things you have mentioned (and others) resonate with me. One of the things I have learned here in the past few days is that he is on his own journey, and I need to let him learn whatever he needs to learn. I agree with the person who posted that they just accept at times that no matter what they say, their SO will find a way to turn it around into something negative. Al-anon is a new world to me, but it is amazing how many stories I can relate to. I hope you find what you are looking for here.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2016
Welcome to MIP candleplant - so glad you found us and so glad that you joined right in and shared! Most communities have local face to face (F2F) meetings where you will find like-minded folks and local support. Al-Anon gave me back my sanity which I truly thought was lost forever!
We also are affected by the disease, often not even realizing how crazy we can be. We developed coping mechanisms and ways of reacting that don't contribute to peace and harmony in our own lives. The program helped me put me first and become a better version of me. Along my journey, I also learned to accept others as they are and to stop trying to control, change, bend, fix them.
So glad you are here - you are not alone. Keep coming back!
Aerin said
Sep 6, 2016
Same situation for me (minus the overseas part lol) 4yrs and very little change. Same story over and over. Promises I know he cannot keep without help. I cannot even picture life anymore with someone who drinks normal. Don't even know what IS normal drinking. I don't drink and I am about done with the merry go round. It makes me sad,but knowing it could take years for him to STAY sober... I don't think I have that kind of energy anymore.
I'm in love with a man and have been with him for three years now but he is a binge drinker . When he reaches a certain point with drinking, a change comes over him. He becomes verbally insulting to other people and this invariably turns on me by the end of the night. What really hurts is that he has repeatedly told me he wants to finish with me at these times . The first time this happened I was so hurt that it caused me a relapse into depression (which I already have a history of ) . I couldnt take it that he wanted to end what we had built up . I pulled away immediately but he was back the next day and the next etc etc , pleading me to come back , saying he couldnt even remember what he had said. Of course, I did go back .... all was well for a while again but the whole thing was repeated over and over with drink. Sometimes I feel that he is like a wounded wild animal that has been looking to me for comfort but I must inevitably release him back into the wild. But I find it soooo hard to let him go . Am I trying to control him ? I try hard to give him as much space as possible, not to nag etc and to be my own person, independent and strong and yet , when he walks away from me, my instinct is to run after him ( although through alanon and councelling Im getting better at walking the other way ,and knowing that like the tide, he will always come back ) But I'm beginning to fear him and resent this merry go round and this insanity . I'm in al anon hoping for answers . I hope they will come .
If you engage in the program and work the steps, I believe that you will find more calm in your life and the tools you need to get what you want/need from life. It's not always easy to look at ourselves, but it certainly promotes growth on a personal level that's been a life-saving path for me.
You are not alone and there is help and hope! Keep coming back!
I got freedom through learning about the disease and my own part in it. I learned that I got sick too and I also became insane. Your in the right place to get help - Alanon
Thanks everyone for taking the time and trouble to reply to me. It is such a help to know that even when my Alchoholic partner is not there with the reassurance and attention I so badly want , there are people out there who WILL answer ,
He works overseas so things are further complicated by distance . Today he only phoned me omce , probably fast asleep after a weekend binge . He usually skpes in the evening but i'm trying to release my anxiety and 'let it go' . I don't want to begin worrying again if HE's in a mood because i said or did something to annoy him . I DONT want to worry that I will b e abandoned if this man walks away ( or stumbles away ) . I need to let it be and Im really trying but the childish panicky kid is still such a strong entity inside me , She is terified her loved one will anabandon her . I know this fear goes way back to a dysfunctional but not alcoholic childood. Just two parents who gave their love with conditions to be met. And a verbally abusive father.
I went to a meeting tonight but found it little help . I hope it doesn't put me off. I just felt that people were not reaching out . Maybe I was again wanting their attention , the needy child again . I felt others were all a bit guarded and formal and I couldnt give the rant i 'd wanted to give about the sh...t I put up with last weekend but instead everyone was talking about serenity , their own progress etc while I was at stage one, just trying to stop controlling the craziness and stick to my boundaries , however difficult that is for me
Thanks again everyone for your lovely replies x
-- Edited by Nancy D on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 06:34:27 PM
thanks Freetime, That makes complete sense and youve given me the motivation to go the the next meeting and rant if I need to lol
Hi Nancy, welcome.
Everything that you said really resonated with me. I have sought approval and attention from unavailable people for a long time and I share your fear of abandonment. Al-anon has helped me immensely, but those feelings and reactions are still ready to come to the surface all the time.
When I first went to an al-anon, I just cried at every meeting for about two weeks and I desperately wanted someone to reach out to me and no one did. I heard so many good things in the opening, like "we suggest you try seven meetings", "you'll find even though you don't like all of us, you'll love us, just the same way we already love you" and that the group was "for those who live or have lived with the effects of alcoholism." No one reached out to me, but those words reached me. I wanted someone to say hello or to invite me to coffee, but it never happened. I kept going, though. I went to a meeting a day for quite a while, and I soaked up what everyone said. I kept hanging around, putting chairs away, waiting for someone to notice me, and it still never happened. I bought EVERY CAL (Conference Approved Literature -- the stuff they have for sale on the tables) book available and read them all cover to cover. Gradually, I started reaching out to chat with people after the meeting, but no friendships or outings ever happened. I drifted away from al-anon for several years and returned about a year ago. This time I am reaching out and trying to make a few friends. Results are mixed, though and I am working on letting go of the expectation of friendship outside of the meeting times. One of the al-anon prayers is "Let it begin with me -- when anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of al-anon reach out and let it begin with me." So when I see someone who seems to be asking for help at a meeting, I try to reach out and say hello and offer the welcome I wished I had gotten. I wonder if they didn't know I was reaching out for help.
Each meeting is different in personalities, but the same in principles. I hope you can find a meeting that will be a great fit for you!
I used to worry about whether or not I might have said something to upset my A husband and then one day it dawned on me that it didn't really matter how perfect I was, I could pretty much guarantee that there was an extremely high probability that he would perceive almost anything that I said as upsetting if that was where alcohol wanted to take him in that moment. That kind of let me off the hook a bit!! I managed to stop taking it personally.
With regards to my fears of abandonment and my 'inner child' I realised that the young girl inside me needed a hug and to feel protected and safe. At the time my husband wasn't in a place to meet those needs - he had his own battles to fight. But it occurred to me that the grown up me did have some tools to protect that young inner child and I began learning about the reasonable boundaries that I needed to set to help her, to help me, feel safe. It is a learning curve that empowers me and I am so very grateful to have found it here.
Sending (((((hugs)))))
Hugs to you both . You are angels
Aloha Nancy and welcome to the family please make "one day at a time" your mind set so that you do what we do...live in the 24 hours moment. Another thing I was reminded of while reading your post was coming to grips with who you are talking about when citing "him"...mine was a "her" and I came to understand her more as my "Qualifier" for the program or my "Alcoholic/addict" and I went with the second one. I was then married to two separate human beings; my wife and my Alcoholic/Addict. She was either one or the other and I had to know which one in order to choose the part of the program I worked the hardest. She was always a child of God of course. ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry F . Yes my HIM is the crazy , insane alchoholic man who abuses me when he is drunk . But he is a child of god like u said and I stil love him in spite of all logic.
Hugs to u too
We also are affected by the disease, often not even realizing how crazy we can be. We developed coping mechanisms and ways of reacting that don't contribute to peace and harmony in our own lives. The program helped me put me first and become a better version of me. Along my journey, I also learned to accept others as they are and to stop trying to control, change, bend, fix them.
So glad you are here - you are not alone. Keep coming back!