So had a nice day, been working and loving my program. Pleasant light hearted banter between AH and myself.
We were cleaning the kitchen together. I jokingly pointed out the ring of crumbs on the floor when AH stands to have his midnight feast each night.
In an instant, he turned nasty.
This is what I don't like.
It isn't personal, he hasn't had much to drink today do I guess was a build up of pressure from that. I used to make him drinks. I stopped doing it. He likes me doing it as he could deny how much whisky he drank in an afternoon to himself.
He wants me to start making his drinks again but I will not. So some tension there.
Just to add, I make drinks very strong as that was how I liked them when I was an active A. He likes them very strong too but wants it to be someone elses responsibility. Not his.
He is dying from his disease so doesn't want to be aware that he is contributing to his poor health.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 30th of August 2016 01:08:30 PM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 30th of August 2016 01:09:10 PM
Mattie said
Aug 30, 2016
It sounds like he is crabby and unpleasant - which is not surprising in an alcoholic. But you have a good read on what's going on. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Calm Lady said
Aug 30, 2016
Mattie wrote:
It sounds like he is crabby and unpleasant - which is not surprising in an alcoholic. But you have a good read on what's going on. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
THANK YOU. Yes he is crabby and unpleasant. I don't usually allow myself to acknowledge that but yes he is.
He is nice when everything is going his way but when it doesn't. He gets nasty.
I don't like him. There I have said it.
Breath out.
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2016
Calm Lady - I have found humor in this, although others may not....My qualifiers are all male - AH & 2 Sons. My experience is my males (not all males....) can only process/do one thing at a time - they are not multi-taskers. This applies to chores, errands, thoughts, discussions, etc. I am a decent multi-tasker and can be flighty in conversations. Any ways, over the years of living and loving the 3 qualifiers and looking at me, I had to learn that One Question a Day is all I am allowed. When I ask more than one thing, I can just see the tension building under the surface.
So - it's become kind of a joke....as I will get real quiet and any one of the three will look at me or ask me, "What's wrong?" I respond honestly suggesting I feel more than 1 question causes drama/chaos so I'm forming that one question in my mind before I open my mouth!
No matter how I speak to my husband, he hears what his disease tells him. So, if I say, "I get worried when you are not home from Golf at xpm." What he hears is, "You are an insensitive arse for not calling to tell me you would be late." He admits this - as without the boys here, he sees it too. Of course, it doesn't keep him from responding like a child but some level of awareness on his part has brought about fewer blow-ups.
All 3 of mine don't like any comments or questions or suggestions on things they could do 'better'. It's another part of the disease - the EGO element. My husband brought in tomatoes the other night from the garden, and washed one off and went to take a bit like an apple. Well - the juice flew everywhere because it's not an apple and juicier than an apple. I was on the other side of the kitchen, and some juice and seeds landed on my toes. I looked down, looked at him and said, "Good Lord..." - and he took his tomato and a paper towel and vacated to his man cave with a door slam. (Insert eye roll here...)
I let it go as it's his disease, not mine. We have not discussed it and won't - it's not worth the drama/chaos to me to try and explain that situation was awkward and childish. I just was able to sleep well and grateful that I didn't get baited by his actions - which wasn't the case before the program. My husband has always been very passive/aggressive. Even when he was sober, that tendency was there. It is what it is - and I learn and grow each time there is a moment and I don't act/respond in a like manner.
Way to vent here and not feed into it!! You are not alone!!
El said
Aug 30, 2016
Hello Calm Lady,
I also found some humor, but certainly not at your frustration. So many things come to mind with your post. One is how sensitive our A's can be. Like IAH said, my A definitely puts his own spin on what I say and mean. I can make a perfectly harmless observation and it is interpreted as an attack. I can see myself also pointing out a ring of crumbs in a light way and have it turn into me defending myself. Arrrrgggg is right!
Good for you setting a boundary about making his drinks. The amount consumed is so minimized.....probably similar to how much I eat.....lol. Mine will say he stopped somewhere and he only had one beer, totally omitting the 2 scotches WITH the beer.
I also don't like my AH at times....sometimes I wonder what I EVER liked! However, I'm in it for the long haul and thank HP everyday for this program and support. I bet my A doesn't like me everyday either. Like yours, mine is dying and suffering from this disease and I am angry at him for it, but I can't control it. I can only work on me and appreciate the good times we do have.
Your posts are always inspirational and from where I sit, you are doing well with the program. Thanks so much for being here!
Hugs-Ellen
Calm Lady said
Aug 30, 2016
Good morning IAH ,& Ellen
Thank you for your kind responses and ESH!
I think the thing that shocked me and prompted me to share here to get it off my chest was how his alcoholism has progressed.
He used to only be touchie and crabby now and then. At those times it was clear he was that way so I used my Al-anon tools to move away from it.
The progression is that now he is like it most of the time. Goes from joking and laughing with me to nasty in seconds.
I agree that it is his alcoholism processing when is going on around him in a way that he thinks he is behind criticised and attacked all the time.
A sad progression. For us both.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 12:09:54 AM
Calm Lady said
Aug 31, 2016
Gosh yes. This. The amount of drinking is really minimised by the A. Yes. Absolutely.
I am meant to play the role of waiter who invisibly keeps AHs glass full. So he had no idea how much he has drink do he doesn't need to take responsibility for it.
That is not my role. I used to meekly accept this, thinking it was what I HAD to do. No I don't.
I love step 1. I am powerless over another person's drinking. Hurray. Yes I am.
Big big big big smile.
Calm Lady said
Aug 31, 2016
Lol. Lightening up now. Speaking to an A is like following a big diagram in your head. If A equals B, then don't say it. If C equals D, say it but make sure you voice is on a low tone. If F equals K, then you can say it but you must be sure and praise the A and act grateful. If D is equal to or greater than M, then say it and then quickerly leave the room!
milkwood said
Aug 31, 2016
Good Morning Calm Lady,
Thank you for this thread and your honesty. I love the shortest of your sentences - No I don't. Yes I am. Especially 'yes I am' on so many different levels!!
It isn't easy living with someone who sees slights and put downs in everything we do is it? Impossible to feel comfortable in the midst of that craziness so I have to step away to be with people who don't have that kind of paranoia from time to time. And I can relate to you saying that all is fine when everything goes his own way, but then is lashing out when it doesn't.
It is good to share this journey with you.
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 31, 2016
My god, how is it I never knew there were so many people who would know absolutely exactly what I am struggling with?? I can write my BF the most beautiful supportive email..and he will glom onto the one thing he can twist and make bad..and I am left speechless..good to know I'm not alone in this! He will twist my words and suck out the most ridiculous bs, so he can say, oh, ok I'm the bad guy, it's all my fault..and I sit there bewildered. It's almost comical!! What is that about?
Calm Lady said
Aug 31, 2016
milkwood wrote:
Good Morning Calm Lady,
Thank you for this thread and your honesty. I love the shortest of your sentences - No I don't. Yes I am. Especially 'yes I am' on so many different levels!!
It isn't easy living with someone who sees slights and put downs in everything we do is it? Impossible to feel comfortable in the midst of that craziness so I have to step away to be with people who don't have that kind of paranoia from time to time. And I can relate to you saying that all is fine when everything goes his own way, but then is lashing out when it doesn't.
It is good to share this journey with you.
Thank you. Gosh, no it isn't easy to live with someone who sees slights in everything said to them. I used to find it exhausting but am moving into finding it irritating and knowing that I don't deserve it. That it is in his head and thinking patterns, not what is actually going on in reality.
I wonder if his disease is progressing or if it is that i am growing and moving foretasted so what was once acceptable to me, no longer is. Maybe it's a bit of both.
Oh yes, I love being with people who aren't crazy. Normal fun conversation. No analysis of what is said, looking for hidden meanings or insults etc.
Also Normie's understand what I am saying. They don't ask me to repeat it several times as their brain can't process it. This is when AH is so called sober. I don't speak to him when he is drunk. Utterly pointless.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 03:31:15 AM
Calm Lady said
Aug 31, 2016
Desperateinnyc wrote:
My god, how is it I never knew there were so many people who would know absolutely exactly what I am struggling with?? I can write my BF the most beautiful supportive email..and he will glom onto the one thing he can twist and make bad..and I am left speechless..good to know I'm not alone in this! He will twist my words and suck out the most ridiculous bs, so he can say, oh, ok I'm the bad guy, it's all my fault..and I sit there bewildered. It's almost comical!! What is that about?
It is the disease of alcoholism, pure and simple.
My AH will search through looking for something that he can twist into being an insult too. So many many lovely things and he will still find one thing to twist!
The disease always needs a bad guy. That has to be me or you or someone else, it cannot be the A. The disease needs this to work.
I used to go to any lengths to make the A happy. Thankfully Al-anon pointed out this does work plus (fanfare) it is not my responsibility anyway.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 03:36:57 AM
Calm Lady said
Aug 31, 2016
Thank you everyone so much. I feel myself moving forward and changing as the morning is going on.
I was in a lot of denial of just how insane the behaviours are here.
More is being revealed, as is the way in our gentle program.
So had a nice day, been working and loving my program. Pleasant light hearted banter between AH and myself.
We were cleaning the kitchen together. I jokingly pointed out the ring of crumbs on the floor when AH stands to have his midnight feast each night.
In an instant, he turned nasty.
This is what I don't like.
It isn't personal, he hasn't had much to drink today do I guess was a build up of pressure from that. I used to make him drinks. I stopped doing it. He likes me doing it as he could deny how much whisky he drank in an afternoon to himself.
He wants me to start making his drinks again but I will not. So some tension there.
Just to add, I make drinks very strong as that was how I liked them when I was an active A. He likes them very strong too but wants it to be someone elses responsibility. Not his.
He is dying from his disease so doesn't want to be aware that he is contributing to his poor health.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 30th of August 2016 01:08:30 PM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Tuesday 30th of August 2016 01:09:10 PM
It sounds like he is crabby and unpleasant - which is not surprising in an alcoholic. But you have a good read on what's going on. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
THANK YOU. Yes he is crabby and unpleasant. I don't usually allow myself to acknowledge that but yes he is.
He is nice when everything is going his way but when it doesn't. He gets nasty.
I don't like him. There I have said it.
Breath out.
So - it's become kind of a joke....as I will get real quiet and any one of the three will look at me or ask me, "What's wrong?" I respond honestly suggesting I feel more than 1 question causes drama/chaos so I'm forming that one question in my mind before I open my mouth!
No matter how I speak to my husband, he hears what his disease tells him. So, if I say, "I get worried when you are not home from Golf at xpm." What he hears is, "You are an insensitive arse for not calling to tell me you would be late." He admits this - as without the boys here, he sees it too. Of course, it doesn't keep him from responding like a child but some level of awareness on his part has brought about fewer blow-ups.
All 3 of mine don't like any comments or questions or suggestions on things they could do 'better'. It's another part of the disease - the EGO element. My husband brought in tomatoes the other night from the garden, and washed one off and went to take a bit like an apple. Well - the juice flew everywhere because it's not an apple and juicier than an apple. I was on the other side of the kitchen, and some juice and seeds landed on my toes. I looked down, looked at him and said, "Good Lord..." - and he took his tomato and a paper towel and vacated to his man cave with a door slam. (Insert eye roll here...)
I let it go as it's his disease, not mine. We have not discussed it and won't - it's not worth the drama/chaos to me to try and explain that situation was awkward and childish. I just was able to sleep well and grateful that I didn't get baited by his actions - which wasn't the case before the program. My husband has always been very passive/aggressive. Even when he was sober, that tendency was there. It is what it is - and I learn and grow each time there is a moment and I don't act/respond in a like manner.
Way to vent here and not feed into it!! You are not alone!!
Hello Calm Lady,
I also found some humor, but certainly not at your frustration. So many things come to mind with your post. One is how sensitive our A's can be. Like IAH said, my A definitely puts his own spin on what I say and mean. I can make a perfectly harmless observation and it is interpreted as an attack. I can see myself also pointing out a ring of crumbs in a light way and have it turn into me defending myself. Arrrrgggg is right!
Good for you setting a boundary about making his drinks. The amount consumed is so minimized.....probably similar to how much I eat.....lol. Mine will say he stopped somewhere and he only had one beer, totally omitting the 2 scotches WITH the beer.
I also don't like my AH at times....sometimes I wonder what I EVER liked! However, I'm in it for the long haul and thank HP everyday for this program and support. I bet my A doesn't like me everyday either. Like yours, mine is dying and suffering from this disease and I am angry at him for it, but I can't control it. I can only work on me and appreciate the good times we do have.
Your posts are always inspirational and from where I sit, you are doing well with the program. Thanks so much for being here!
Hugs-Ellen
Good morning IAH ,& Ellen
Thank you for your kind responses and ESH!
I think the thing that shocked me and prompted me to share here to get it off my chest was how his alcoholism has progressed.
He used to only be touchie and crabby now and then. At those times it was clear he was that way so I used my Al-anon tools to move away from it.
The progression is that now he is like it most of the time. Goes from joking and laughing with me to nasty in seconds.
I agree that it is his alcoholism processing when is going on around him in a way that he thinks he is behind criticised and attacked all the time.
A sad progression. For us both.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 12:09:54 AM
I am meant to play the role of waiter who invisibly keeps AHs glass full. So he had no idea how much he has drink do he doesn't need to take responsibility for it.
That is not my role. I used to meekly accept this, thinking it was what I HAD to do. No I don't.
I love step 1. I am powerless over another person's drinking. Hurray. Yes I am.
Big big big big smile.
Thank you for this thread and your honesty. I love the shortest of your sentences - No I don't. Yes I am. Especially 'yes I am' on so many different levels!!
It isn't easy living with someone who sees slights and put downs in everything we do is it? Impossible to feel comfortable in the midst of that craziness so I have to step away to be with people who don't have that kind of paranoia from time to time. And I can relate to you saying that all is fine when everything goes his own way, but then is lashing out when it doesn't.
It is good to share this journey with you.
Thank you. Gosh, no it isn't easy to live with someone who sees slights in everything said to them. I used to find it exhausting but am moving into finding it irritating and knowing that I don't deserve it. That it is in his head and thinking patterns, not what is actually going on in reality.
I wonder if his disease is progressing or if it is that i am growing and moving foretasted so what was once acceptable to me, no longer is. Maybe it's a bit of both.
Oh yes, I love being with people who aren't crazy. Normal fun conversation. No analysis of what is said, looking for hidden meanings or insults etc.
Also Normie's understand what I am saying. They don't ask me to repeat it several times as their brain can't process it. This is when AH is so called sober. I don't speak to him when he is drunk. Utterly pointless.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 03:31:15 AM
It is the disease of alcoholism, pure and simple.
My AH will search through looking for something that he can twist into being an insult too. So many many lovely things and he will still find one thing to twist!
The disease always needs a bad guy. That has to be me or you or someone else, it cannot be the A. The disease needs this to work.
I used to go to any lengths to make the A happy. Thankfully Al-anon pointed out this does work plus (fanfare) it is not my responsibility anyway.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 03:36:57 AM
I was in a lot of denial of just how insane the behaviours are here.
More is being revealed, as is the way in our gentle program.