I've never been on here before, or even posted on a forum before. I am basically willing to try anything at this point though. I am in a newer relationship with someone who has completed the 12 step program and was sober for a couple years. He started drinking again though (a while before we started dating) and said he hasn't had a problem with it and doesn't drink that often. While I've seen this to be true, when he does drink, I feel like I have to watch him very carefully. When he crosses a line, intentionally or not, he begins to act differently towards me and I don't like it at all. I grew up with a very abusive, alcoholic father, so I am very sensitive about alcoholism. I have also been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic before that did not end well at all. My boyfriend now is a great person, nothing like my father or any guy I have ever dated before. But I feel like I can't avoid alcoholism/addiction in any relationship I begin. My boyfriend knows about how I grew up and why I feel the way I do about his drinking. I've expressed that I feel he should stop drinking again and he says that he agrees, but has yet to stop...
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2016
Bri23 - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad that you joined right in. Living or loving an alcoholic is not an easy road. You are not alone! I suggest you seek out local Al-Anon meetings just to get some tools, education and support for your situation. You have every right to not want to be with/live with an alcoholic and Al-Anon can help you work the steps, set up boundaries for you and detach from the disease with love.
I found myself and inner strength by coming to Al-Anon and working the program. My hope is you will too! Keep coming back here - there is help and hope always! So sorry you are feeling low - but it gave you the strength to reach out, so perhaps that's the purpose?
jojo8466 said
Aug 30, 2016
My alcoholic boyfriend was sober for over 30 years after going through treatment, half-way houses and constantly attending meetings. We met 15 years ago - started a relationship 8 years ago - 7 years ago he decided to start drinking beer - he swore to me it wasn't affecting him, that he was handling it just fine - until June 2013 when he broke down emotionally and told me he was drinking all the time - said he would quit and do it on his own "he would show me he could and prove me wrong" - I told him he needed help. Then in December he switched to his drink of choice Scotch. As of this moment, today, right now he is in detox for probably the 4th time in a year (I've lost count). He is looking at 3 days of pure hell and then some after he is done detoxing. If I had to do it all over again I would of left him and this relationship when he told me in June of 2013 that he was drinking all the time. Staying by him hasn't helped him to quit and it damn sure hasn't helped me either. His alcoholism has made me as sick as he is. But hindsight it 20/20 as the saying goes.
I honestly don't think I will be here for him when he gets done detoxing AGAIN this time. It's just a vicious, monotonous cycle and I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired dealing with him and his alcoholism.
I'm so glad I found this site a couple weeks ago - it has helped me immensely and I'm sure it can do the same for you!
I truly believe you already know the answer in your heart as to what you need to do to be good to yourself and to love yourself. An alcoholic is ALWAYS an alcoholic - once they start drinking the lies begin and they become completely selfish, unreliable and untrustworthy. Your relationship is still new - you need to ask yourself if you want to put yourself through years of doubts and questions.
savingmyself said
Aug 30, 2016
I echo what jojo, above me, has written. Good luck to you.
Bri23 said
Aug 31, 2016
If you don't mind me asking, why are you choosing now to leave, Jojo?
hotrod said
Aug 31, 2016
Hi Bri I found that by accepting that Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which i was powerless, I could finally start to really take care of myself. When my husband entered his first of 10 rehabs his councilor spoke to me and advised me that my hubby was years away from stopping and to save myself years of pain and suffering, I should leave immediately.
He was right however I did not think so at the time. I am so pleased that I found alanon and finally began to help myself instead of sacrificing myself and my life to the disease . Recovery is a process so please search out alanon meetings and keep coming back .
Bri23 said
Aug 31, 2016
Do you have any advice on what I should do? I mean besides Al-Anon, course. I don't want to leave my boyfriend, but I'm really not sure what to do at this point. I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place... He has also stopped using hard drugs since we've been together. I am proud of him for wanting to get sober again and I want to support him, but I'm not sure what will become of me in the process. He does not drink every day or anything like that. But when he does drink, I'm afraid that he will wind up harming himself in some way.
geems said
Aug 31, 2016
That's for him to choose, and deal with the consequences of the choice. Go to a meeting ASAP
Kcsnooze said
Aug 31, 2016
Bri23,
No one here will tell you what to do (stay or go). It was so frustrating to me in the beginning of Alanon, because that was the question. I am so glad now that no one answers that question, because everyone would have been completely wrong and right.
The truth is, we are in a relationship with an addict. That relationship can change how we live, respond to everything and uproot our entire lives. Many of us come to Alanon because we are in a current relationship with an alcoholic (spouse, child, friend, parent, cousin or sibling), but then realize that we probably have or had other addicts in our lives (parents, grandparents, etc.) Sometimes, we find that we continue to attract addicts into our lives.
I still question whether I should stay with or leave my husband. Then I question "what about my addict daughter?" I can't really just leave her too can I? I learned after starting Alanon that ultimately, I need to learn how to take care of me in every relationship, and stop trying to control others.
If you are looking for what to do, go get really healthy: emotionally, spiritually and physically. Surround yourself with people who love and support you in a healthy way. Talk about your burdens. Do things that you enjoy. Give yourself time to really get healthy and then make decisions about what to do with those relationships that may not serve you well.
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 12:36:23 PM
Jerry F said
Aug 31, 2016
jojo8466 wrote:
My alcoholic boyfriend was sober for over 30 years after going through treatment, half-way houses and constantly attending meetings. We met 15 years ago - started a relationship 8 years ago - 7 years ago he decided to start drinking beer - he swore to me it wasn't affecting him, that he was handling it just fine - until June 2013 when he broke down emotionally and told me he was drinking all the time - said he would quit and do it on his own "he would show me he could and prove me wrong" - I told him he needed help. Then in December he switched to his drink of choice Scotch. As of this moment, today, right now he is in detox for probably the 4th time in a year (I've lost count). He is looking at 3 days of pure hell and then some after he is done detoxing. If I had to do it all over again I would of left him and this relationship when he told me in June of 2013 that he was drinking all the time. Staying by him hasn't helped him to quit and it damn sure hasn't helped me either. His alcoholism has made me as sick as he is. But hindsight it 20/20 as the saying goes.
I honestly don't think I will be here for him when he gets done detoxing AGAIN this time. It's just a vicious, monotonous cycle and I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired dealing with him and his alcoholism.
I'm so glad I found this site a couple weeks ago - it has helped me immensely and I'm sure it can do the same for you!
I truly believe you already know the answer in your heart as to what you need to do to be good to yourself and to love yourself. An alcoholic is ALWAYS an alcoholic - once they start drinking the lies begin and they become completely selfish, unreliable and untrustworthy. Your relationship is still new - you need to ask yourself if you want to put yourself through years of doubts and questions.
Aloha Jojo and thanks for your ESH...I would love to see it in public print locally as they are building a "largest brewing facility" on the island. It would help fill the rooms of Al-Anon helping others to hear the real message. I can remember that thought force clearly after just a little while with my own alcoholic/addict, "Oh God I've made a huge mistake". Again Mahalo. (((((hugs)))))
Bri23 said
Aug 31, 2016
Kcsnooze: Thank you, that was actually very helpful. I have struggled with depression/anxiety my whole life, so it's hard to feel at peace no matter what or who is in my life. I guess you could say that my boyfriend and I are in some what of a codependent relationship in a way due to our emotional/mental struggles. We both struggle with peace and happiness. But we have been encouraging each other to go to counseling and get more physically active. I guess my main fear is that I will end up in a relationship with someone who is an addict no matter what. Since I've been dealing with this my whole life, I should probably just figure out how to cope with myself in these situations instead of coping with the other people involved. Wow, eyes opened just like that. You have no idea how helpful you have been. Thank you!
jojo8466 said
Aug 31, 2016
Bri23 wrote:
If you don't mind me asking, why are you choosing now to leave, Jojo?
I don't mind you asking at all - feel free to ask me anything. I'm just tired - sick and tired. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. The first 6 years of our relationship was really great - then the drinking took over - and for the past two years it's been a vicious never-ending roller coaster of up's and down's. I never know from one day to the next what his mood will be like - if he will be attentive or evasive - if he will call or text me or if he won't.....it's exhausting physically, mentally draining and emotionally unstable. What use to be a two-way relationship between us is now all controlled by him and his drinking. Since finding this site I have found the courage / wisdom to take control of my life and he can live his how he chooses. Now that he is in detox AGAIN (4th time in a year) and I have only received one brief text from him in 24 hours I can honestly say that for the first time in the past two years I am not feeling any anxiety or worry about what is going on in his life and what he is dealing with. It was his choice to drink....not mine....and his choices no longer need to nor do I want them to affect my life.
So that's it in a nutshell....
jojo8466 said
Aug 31, 2016
Jerry F wrote:
jojo8466 wrote:
My alcoholic boyfriend was sober for over 30 years after going through treatment, half-way houses and constantly attending meetings. We met 15 years ago - started a relationship 8 years ago - 7 years ago he decided to start drinking beer - he swore to me it wasn't affecting him, that he was handling it just fine - until June 2013 when he broke down emotionally and told me he was drinking all the time - said he would quit and do it on his own "he would show me he could and prove me wrong" - I told him he needed help. Then in December he switched to his drink of choice Scotch. As of this moment, today, right now he is in detox for probably the 4th time in a year (I've lost count). He is looking at 3 days of pure hell and then some after he is done detoxing. If I had to do it all over again I would of left him and this relationship when he told me in June of 2013 that he was drinking all the time. Staying by him hasn't helped him to quit and it damn sure hasn't helped me either. His alcoholism has made me as sick as he is. But hindsight it 20/20 as the saying goes.
I honestly don't think I will be here for him when he gets done detoxing AGAIN this time. It's just a vicious, monotonous cycle and I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired dealing with him and his alcoholism.
I'm so glad I found this site a couple weeks ago - it has helped me immensely and I'm sure it can do the same for you!
I truly believe you already know the answer in your heart as to what you need to do to be good to yourself and to love yourself. An alcoholic is ALWAYS an alcoholic - once they start drinking the lies begin and they become completely selfish, unreliable and untrustworthy. Your relationship is still new - you need to ask yourself if you want to put yourself through years of doubts and questions.
Aloha Jojo and thanks for your ESH...I would love to see it in public print locally as they are building a "largest brewing facility" on the island. It would help fill the rooms of Al-Anon helping others to hear the real message. I can remember that thought force clearly after just a little while with my own alcoholic/addict, "Oh God I've made a huge mistake". Again Mahalo. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for your complimentary reply Jerry! I really needed to hear that! And by the way I LOVE Hawaii! I've been on vacation there twice and it is TRULY PARADISE!!!!
maryjane said
Sep 1, 2016
Hi, Remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease. The fact that he quit drinking many years ago and then has recently restarted drinking raises a couple of facts.
One is that he has restarted at the same place in his disease that he left it many years ago. The disease is progressive so he is much further along in the disease progression than he would ever admit to.
The second is that he has been to AA and has great knowledge of the 12 steps and how they work. That tends to ruin his drinking because in the small, still places of his mind he knows that his drinking is ruining his life.
------------------------I am proud of him for wanting to get sober again and I want to support him, but I'm not sure what will become of me in the process.---------------------
You really can't do anything to support him because it is an inside job for him. You simply have to make the best "you" that you can be. That means letting go of him. Let AA take care of him. Let "him" take care of him. Let your HP take care of him. You can't do it. When you try, you get crazy and he will let you get crazy if it takes some of the pressure off him.
Hello all,
I've never been on here before, or even posted on a forum before. I am basically willing to try anything at this point though. I am in a newer relationship with someone who has completed the 12 step program and was sober for a couple years. He started drinking again though (a while before we started dating) and said he hasn't had a problem with it and doesn't drink that often. While I've seen this to be true, when he does drink, I feel like I have to watch him very carefully. When he crosses a line, intentionally or not, he begins to act differently towards me and I don't like it at all. I grew up with a very abusive, alcoholic father, so I am very sensitive about alcoholism. I have also been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic before that did not end well at all. My boyfriend now is a great person, nothing like my father or any guy I have ever dated before. But I feel like I can't avoid alcoholism/addiction in any relationship I begin. My boyfriend knows about how I grew up and why I feel the way I do about his drinking. I've expressed that I feel he should stop drinking again and he says that he agrees, but has yet to stop...
I found myself and inner strength by coming to Al-Anon and working the program. My hope is you will too! Keep coming back here - there is help and hope always! So sorry you are feeling low - but it gave you the strength to reach out, so perhaps that's the purpose?
I honestly don't think I will be here for him when he gets done detoxing AGAIN this time. It's just a vicious, monotonous cycle and I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired dealing with him and his alcoholism.
I'm so glad I found this site a couple weeks ago - it has helped me immensely and I'm sure it can do the same for you!
I truly believe you already know the answer in your heart as to what you need to do to be good to yourself and to love yourself. An alcoholic is ALWAYS an alcoholic - once they start drinking the lies begin and they become completely selfish, unreliable and untrustworthy. Your relationship is still new - you need to ask yourself if you want to put yourself through years of doubts and questions.
If you don't mind me asking, why are you choosing now to leave, Jojo?
Hi Bri I found that by accepting that Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which i was powerless, I could finally start to really take care of myself. When my husband entered his first of 10 rehabs his councilor spoke to me and advised me that my hubby was years away from stopping and to save myself years of pain and suffering, I should leave immediately.
He was right however I did not think so at the time. I am so pleased that I found alanon and finally began to help myself instead of sacrificing myself and my life to the disease .
Recovery is a process so please search out alanon meetings and keep coming back .
Do you have any advice on what I should do? I mean besides Al-Anon, course. I don't want to leave my boyfriend, but I'm really not sure what to do at this point. I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place... He has also stopped using hard drugs since we've been together. I am proud of him for wanting to get sober again and I want to support him, but I'm not sure what will become of me in the process. He does not drink every day or anything like that. But when he does drink, I'm afraid that he will wind up harming himself in some way.
Bri23,
No one here will tell you what to do (stay or go). It was so frustrating to me in the beginning of Alanon, because that was the question. I am so glad now that no one answers that question, because everyone would have been completely wrong and right.
The truth is, we are in a relationship with an addict. That relationship can change how we live, respond to everything and uproot our entire lives. Many of us come to Alanon because we are in a current relationship with an alcoholic (spouse, child, friend, parent, cousin or sibling), but then realize that we probably have or had other addicts in our lives (parents, grandparents, etc.) Sometimes, we find that we continue to attract addicts into our lives.
I still question whether I should stay with or leave my husband. Then I question "what about my addict daughter?" I can't really just leave her too can I? I learned after starting Alanon that ultimately, I need to learn how to take care of me in every relationship, and stop trying to control others.
If you are looking for what to do, go get really healthy: emotionally, spiritually and physically. Surround yourself with people who love and support you in a healthy way. Talk about your burdens. Do things that you enjoy. Give yourself time to really get healthy and then make decisions about what to do with those relationships that may not serve you well.
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Wednesday 31st of August 2016 12:36:23 PM
Aloha Jojo and thanks for your ESH...I would love to see it in public print locally as they are building a "largest brewing facility" on the island. It would help fill the rooms of Al-Anon helping others to hear the real message. I can remember that thought force clearly after just a little while with my own alcoholic/addict, "Oh God I've made a huge mistake". Again Mahalo. (((((hugs)))))
Kcsnooze: Thank you, that was actually very helpful. I have struggled with depression/anxiety my whole life, so it's hard to feel at peace no matter what or who is in my life. I guess you could say that my boyfriend and I are in some what of a codependent relationship in a way due to our emotional/mental struggles. We both struggle with peace and happiness. But we have been encouraging each other to go to counseling and get more physically active. I guess my main fear is that I will end up in a relationship with someone who is an addict no matter what. Since I've been dealing with this my whole life, I should probably just figure out how to cope with myself in these situations instead of coping with the other people involved. Wow, eyes opened just like that. You have no idea how helpful you have been. Thank you!
I don't mind you asking at all - feel free to ask me anything. I'm just tired - sick and tired. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. The first 6 years of our relationship was really great - then the drinking took over - and for the past two years it's been a vicious never-ending roller coaster of up's and down's. I never know from one day to the next what his mood will be like - if he will be attentive or evasive - if he will call or text me or if he won't.....it's exhausting physically, mentally draining and emotionally unstable. What use to be a two-way relationship between us is now all controlled by him and his drinking. Since finding this site I have found the courage / wisdom to take control of my life and he can live his how he chooses. Now that he is in detox AGAIN (4th time in a year) and I have only received one brief text from him in 24 hours I can honestly say that for the first time in the past two years I am not feeling any anxiety or worry about what is going on in his life and what he is dealing with. It was his choice to drink....not mine....and his choices no longer need to nor do I want them to affect my life.
So that's it in a nutshell....
Thank you for your complimentary reply Jerry! I really needed to hear that! And by the way I LOVE Hawaii! I've been on vacation there twice and it is TRULY PARADISE!!!!
One is that he has restarted at the same place in his disease that he left it many years ago. The disease is progressive so he is much further along in the disease progression than he would ever admit to.
The second is that he has been to AA and has great knowledge of the 12 steps and how they work. That tends to ruin his drinking because in the small, still places of his mind he knows that his drinking is ruining his life.
------------------------I am proud of him for wanting to get sober again and I want to support him, but I'm not sure what will become of me in the process.---------------------
You really can't do anything to support him because it is an inside job for him. You simply have to make the best "you" that you can be. That means letting go of him. Let AA take care of him. Let "him" take care of him. Let your HP take care of him. You can't do it. When you try, you get crazy and he will let you get crazy if it takes some of the pressure off him.
Take care of yourself.