When I first meet, my now fiancé, I had little knowledge or understanding of alcoholism. I was oblivious to the fact that my father suffered from alcoholism and drug addicted which lead to his recent death. Since it is a huge part of his life/my life I started reading researching about it. I have been to one Al-Anon meeting so far.
My observation is that if my fiancé does not go to a meeting frequently (within 3-5 days) he becomes depressed and irritable. He just celebrated his 10 years of sobriety. He has told me from the beginning he needs 2 meetings a week, which I support 100%. Recently he has been going to 3-4 meetings a week after work because he says he is looking for a sponsor. I have a hard time with this for a few reasons. 1st- I feel like he's not stable, why would he need to go to more meetings unless he was not ok. 2nd- we agreed to 2 meetings and now its changed. He works all day during the week and I work weekend evenings so our weekday evenings are our time together.
I sometimes feel like he picks fights with me so that he has a reason to leave for a meeting, maybe because he knows I want him to spend time with me. He seems to be happier after meetings but that fades within a day or 2.
I know his life depends on his sobriety. I want to support him. I also want him to want to spend time at home. Thoughts?
Thank you.
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2016
Welcome Wilady8 to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. For the record, I have been sober for 28 years and still go to 2 meetings a week. I also go to Al-Anon meetings. Staying focused on the program daily is the best route for a continued attitude and outlook for an alcoholic. If he's suggesting he wants to go to more meetings, there is a part of him that needs that. Will it always be that way? Who knows - all we each have is today.
I strongly suggest you find and attend Al-Anon meetings. This will give you insight into the disease and the diseased. It will also show you how the be the best version of you. I think we all want what we want when we want it, but it's a full-time job to find balance for us all. It sounds to me as if your needs and wants are different than his needs and wants - which happens. Trying to stand between an alcoholic and meetings is similar to handing them a bottle - if he's serious about his recovery, he will choose program over you. Based on the disease of alcoholism, that's the right choice.
So - don't make him choose. Let him work on him and you work on you. It's easy for us to look at the moods, attitudes, opinions, actions and reactions of others - in Al-Anon, I learned to like at my own and begin to make changes that helped me be a better version of me and then a better wife, mother, friend, etc.
Take what you like and leave the rest - never expect to change another person to suit your wants/needs - instead look at different/healthy ways to meet your own needs.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope!
Calm Lady said
Aug 30, 2016
Welcome.
What Iamhere shares is spot on. If he feels he needs more meetings, he must attend them.
I also encourage you to take good care of yourself and focus on you.
With addiction, focus on recovery takes priority over everything else. As you have noticed without regular meetings you can see the difference in his behaviours.
Mattie said
Aug 30, 2016
Welcome. You write, "I feel like he's not stable, why would he need to go to more meetings unless he was not ok." This might be true. And if he's not stable and okay, what should he do? Go to more meetings. Which he is doing. So isn't he taking just the right action?
The thing is that he may need 3-4 meetings right now, at this point in his life, and that's legitimate. And you may need someone who can spend a considerable amount of time with you, and that's legitimate. That's entirely legitimate. What it means, though, is that you and he might not be a good fit for each other. Alcoholics need a certain amount of time to spend on their recovery, and often it's so much time that many partners need more than that. There's that saying, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him." He is showing you who he is. That is indeed who he is. It may not be what you need. But your needs are also important. It may be that he is not a person who, through no fault of his own, can meet your needs.
Al-Anon can be helpful in providing tools for making your life good, regardless of what the alcoholic does or doesn't do. I hope you'll stick around. Take good care of yourself.
When I first meet, my now fiancé, I had little knowledge or understanding of alcoholism. I was oblivious to the fact that my father suffered from alcoholism and drug addicted which lead to his recent death. Since it is a huge part of his life/my life I started reading researching about it. I have been to one Al-Anon meeting so far.
My observation is that if my fiancé does not go to a meeting frequently (within 3-5 days) he becomes depressed and irritable. He just celebrated his 10 years of sobriety. He has told me from the beginning he needs 2 meetings a week, which I support 100%. Recently he has been going to 3-4 meetings a week after work because he says he is looking for a sponsor. I have a hard time with this for a few reasons. 1st- I feel like he's not stable, why would he need to go to more meetings unless he was not ok. 2nd- we agreed to 2 meetings and now its changed. He works all day during the week and I work weekend evenings so our weekday evenings are our time together.
I sometimes feel like he picks fights with me so that he has a reason to leave for a meeting, maybe because he knows I want him to spend time with me. He seems to be happier after meetings but that fades within a day or 2.
I know his life depends on his sobriety. I want to support him. I also want him to want to spend time at home. Thoughts?
Thank you.
I strongly suggest you find and attend Al-Anon meetings. This will give you insight into the disease and the diseased. It will also show you how the be the best version of you. I think we all want what we want when we want it, but it's a full-time job to find balance for us all. It sounds to me as if your needs and wants are different than his needs and wants - which happens. Trying to stand between an alcoholic and meetings is similar to handing them a bottle - if he's serious about his recovery, he will choose program over you. Based on the disease of alcoholism, that's the right choice.
So - don't make him choose. Let him work on him and you work on you. It's easy for us to look at the moods, attitudes, opinions, actions and reactions of others - in Al-Anon, I learned to like at my own and begin to make changes that helped me be a better version of me and then a better wife, mother, friend, etc.
Take what you like and leave the rest - never expect to change another person to suit your wants/needs - instead look at different/healthy ways to meet your own needs.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope!
What Iamhere shares is spot on. If he feels he needs more meetings, he must attend them.
I also encourage you to take good care of yourself and focus on you.
With addiction, focus on recovery takes priority over everything else. As you have noticed without regular meetings you can see the difference in his behaviours.
Welcome. You write, "I feel like he's not stable, why would he need to go to more meetings unless he was not ok." This might be true. And if he's not stable and okay, what should he do? Go to more meetings. Which he is doing. So isn't he taking just the right action?
The thing is that he may need 3-4 meetings right now, at this point in his life, and that's legitimate. And you may need someone who can spend a considerable amount of time with you, and that's legitimate. That's entirely legitimate. What it means, though, is that you and he might not be a good fit for each other. Alcoholics need a certain amount of time to spend on their recovery, and often it's so much time that many partners need more than that. There's that saying, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him." He is showing you who he is. That is indeed who he is. It may not be what you need. But your needs are also important. It may be that he is not a person who, through no fault of his own, can meet your needs.
Al-Anon can be helpful in providing tools for making your life good, regardless of what the alcoholic does or doesn't do. I hope you'll stick around. Take good care of yourself.