I've been hanging out here and going to meetings for quite some time and suddenly I've seen the light. I woke up this morning to a barrage of abuse from my A who was using words like 'scumbag' 'utter b***d' 'piece of filth' and of course turning everything around to blame me. I have spent some time reacting recently to these things and found them hurtful and upsetting but this morning something changed. I've been having difficulty with step 4 but today I intend to work on it and spend time on me. It's as though a light's gone on. However I need to make sure I stick to it and don't get sucked in again which I am very capable of doing.
I'd like to just block him and be done and work on me but is that burying my head in the sand? It is time to throw the towel in on the relationship and with all the going backwards and forwards and round and round I haven't got the time or the energy anymore but I do want to work on me which is something I've never done. It feels good and if i've had to go through all of this just to get to this stage it almost feels like it's worth it. There are no kids, financial commitments and we don't live together so I can just get out but why haven't I; what keeps me there? And these are the questions I'm going to work on. Low self esteem, family background, string of bad relationships with troubled men but I'm a capable woman who has brought up a child who wouldn't tolerate even a tenth of this behaviour from a man. So why do I?
Just looking for some of your sage advice and your feelings about step 4 and how you managed it and am I in the right place mentally? Any thoughts and comments gratefully received.
Thank you for listening, ladies and gentlemen.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 30th of August 2016 05:53:38 AM
milkwood said
Aug 30, 2016
Hello Alanonfan, Welcome to MIP.
I found that question 'what keeps me there?' a really useful one. For me the answer included things that in some circumstances could be called assets so I tried to be gentle with myself as I considered this question. I found it empowering to bring the focus back to myself. There are others here who know the steps much better than I do and I am sure that I'll be learning alongside you from their responses.
A wise lady once reminded me to consider my assets as well as my defects. As I read your post it felt like you had some good awareness.
I'm sorry that someone has been calling you horrible names. (((((hugs)))))
e_i_m said
Aug 30, 2016
Hi alanonfan -- good luck with your decision. I recently broke up with an alcoholic and addict boyfriend -- we didn't live together or have children. I made the decision rashly after behavior that I received with hurt. It was the right decision for me, though perhaps not the most alanon-y way to do it. However, I think if I hadn't done it quickly and swiftly (albeit in a moment of hurt and anger), I would have backpedalled. I've been doing a TON of fourth step work (on my own so far -- meeting with a sponsor tomorrow for the first time), going to lots of meetings, staying busy with other stuff and doing a lot of alanon reading (daily readers, CAL and stuff on the internet) and journal writing. Also have been spending a lot of time here on this board and listening to alanon conference speakers on YouTube and podcasts. Hearing other peoples stories (and thinking back on other crazy codependent alcoholic relationships of my own) makes me glad I got out when I did. Sure, things could have gotten better, but they probably would not have.
The beauty of working alanon (for me) is the path it offers to complete honesty. I'm looking very clearly at what I got out of being with this guy. I think what I've been doing is trying to work out the relationship with my alcoholic parents -- I said to them all the time "if you loved me, you'd stop drinking" -- they didn't stop drinking, so I believed they didn't love me. I think that what I've been trying to do with the alcoholic, emotionally distant men I've married and dated is to have a chance to win against addiction. I'm realizing that some part of me thought with each one "THIS is the great love -- I'm going to make him love me more than his substance. Finally someone will love me enough to quit. I'm going to save him." And as I've come to that realization, I've realized it is crazy and that I've made attention from these guys my HP, and that it's been unfair to them for me to have had this agenda to save them/change them (even if I didn't fully know it was my agenda until now). So for me, I don't think it would be fair to either one of us stay together. I can only help myself, and that's what I'm focusing on now.
alanonfan said
Aug 30, 2016
Thank you Milkwood and thank you very much for the hugs.
The horrible names seem to go with the territory - it's almost like road rage where he's protected by a bubble ( in this case not a car but a relationship). Strangely, the name calling made me aware that he's talking about himself. This time they made me laugh in a sort of 'gosh, I've just got it sort of way! I feel totally calm and absolutely ready to let go and let God. I'm listening which is what I have found difficult and I'm starting to realise that it's me. I don't care enough about me. I need to work on me and whilst I feel a little bit selfish doing so I can see that by doing this I will become more aware and less likely to interfere and try to make unsolicited changes to other people's lives. I've woken up and realised it's none of my business and I don't really want it to be. I know this is early days but I feel peaceful.
Yes, you're so right. I need to focus on what I have achieved. I have my own successful business, my beautiful little house and garden, I have my lovely family who choose to spend their time with me. I'm so lucky. There were some abandonment issues when I was younger and whilst I don't hold it against any of my family I think I have never recovered. I'm the one who introduces these 'reclamation' characters into my life and my family's lives. Why would I want to keep this drama going - he's been drinking and secret drinking for over 10 years - it's not a new hobby - if it was i'd be very worried - maybe i'd driven him to it :)
I really love this board and all of you wonderful people. 4th step advise and some in-site to the way I'm thinking is so much appreciated. Please hit me with it!
alanonfan said
Aug 30, 2016
Hi eim
I also react to hurt swiftly and tend to run and then back pedal. Good idea - I'll listen to the podcasts. I find it odd that I appear to have woken up with some revelation and hope I don't slip back. I've known about all the resources and have dismissed them . I guess I just wasn't' ready. For me, there is no benefit to being in this relationship - it's not as if I'm financially dependant but I am emotionally dependant. Perhaps not on him so much anymore. I want to be emotionally dependant on me.
Thank you, Eim. You are strong! It's time for me to change too.
hotrod said
Aug 30, 2016
Welcome alanonfan I found that working the 4th Step as somewhat suggested in the AA big book very helpful. Before looking at my inner destructive behavior, I made a list of all my assets and what I was grateful for because it was on these positive attributes that I was going to rebuild my life. Then it was time to tackle the negative issues that were hurting me.
First it is suggested that we make a list . In the first column we should place all the people we are angry with or hold resentments toward- in the second column place the reason for our anger -third column our part in the situation-- last column our intended action.
Remembering that we are all human and imperfect beings helped a great deal as did the truth that these negative traits were developed in response to living with the destructive disease of alcoholism. I am hurting myself by continuing to call on them. Alanon would give me new constructive tools to live by and these old negative ones could be discarded. We have a Step work Board at the top of this message Board and there are many helpful shares and questions on the topic as well. here is the link http://stepwork.activeboard.com/t61743163/alanon-step-4-2-29-2016/ Good luck on the journey toward yourself .
el-cee said
Aug 30, 2016
Good for you and I also feel the same. To get spirituality in my life and get to know myself has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I also had to look at the reasons why I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship and was making the choices I did. I think your on an amazing journey because your asking the questions that free us. I also know what verbal abuse feels like and when I got some recovery and learned what unacceptable baheviour was and that I didnt have to put up with it, I made changes through my own boundaries. I will not stay in a room where I am being called names, ever. So if a person wants to talk to me then I will listen but never to name calling and I learned to say that clearly. It was actually really simple and didnt involve any ultimatums or long drawn out talks etc. It was an action, so I said, I wont listen to name calling so Im leaving the room and I will talk later and I left. Really simple and done over and over and within a week it had stopped. This was such a valuable lesson for me. I can decide what i will put up with or not and its up to me to take the action necessary. Before Alanon I believed it was about other people changing and behaving themselves so I never felt I had any power. I gave all the power to others. Thanks for sharing
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2016
Hey Alanonfan - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and started. I am one who can propelled to change when I am hurt or angry. I still find myself more driven as I am processing hurt or disappointment - maybe it's an adrenaline rush or something similar but it is who I am. When I was way younger, and active in the disease (double winner), I was with a raging alcoholic more advanced in his disease. He was abusive and for a long while, I endured it as I had so much fear of the unknown. He was my first love and I had only lived with my parents before him.
One day, out of the blue, I woke up and the resounding message in my young head was, "You deserve better than this. You need to go." This thought process would not quit, and that day I dropped him off at work, got my own apartment, and packed my stuff and left. I picked him up from work, did not say a word, drove him to the home we shared, let him get out and drove off. For 3 years, he followed me as I tried to hide/run/get away but it took me almost 15 years to realize and recognize that was no 'inner power' of my own - rather the Higher Power of my understanding pushing me to take action to save me from myself in that moment.
So - if you are propelled by any force or inner dialogue to work on you, take action for you - go with it. I hear often here that with this disease, we are either moving forward in recovery or we are slipping backwards - there is no standing still. I have found this to be true in my own recovery. As far as the 4th step goes, I am like Betty - having a specific format with structured questions/actions helps me process and think. I had anxiety about the 4th & 5th steps before I did 1-3, but it lessened when I practiced step 3 over and over. My body and mind aligned in that Step 4 wasn't frightening if it followed my willingness to turn my life over to the care of God, as I understand him.
I have worked the steps a few different times and there were resentments and events that I unintentionally did not address the first time. It had nothing to do with fear or reluctance - I just learn more about me and what makes me tick as I continue with my life, recovery and growth. I share as when I had resentments appear from the past after doing the steps, I was quick to judge me as not doing it right. I learned from my sponsor and others that it's not my effort that was lacking - it's my higher power revealing things as I am ready to receive grace.
So glad you joined us and glad that you are working on you. Al-Anon has been life changing for me, and I am very grateful for the program, those who came before me and all that I've learned. Keep coming back!
alanonfan said
Aug 30, 2016
Thanks for the edit, Hotrod - it never crossed my mind that word should be edited but you're so right and it just shows what I've come to think of as acceptable for him to say to me. I'll have a look at the Big Book and work on that.
El-cee, thank you. I totally agree and I won't put up with it. It's so self destructive and belittling. I'm also starting to actively despise him for it which I don't want to do and haven't before. I just find I don't like the man he is and I know that he is absolutely no good for my serenity.
I have one problem at the moment. I've also had a barrage of still abusive emails today saying he's had to go in for an emergency colonoscopy and now an emergency biopsy on Saturday to see if he has bowel cancer. He's still angry because I'm not falling over myself to help or get in involved with this new drama. In a way I even believe it may be another drama ploy to get me back on board. I've been polite and said that I think he needs to be around family and friends at this time and get the support he needs from them and because we are at odds with each other it wouldn't help if I was around and wouldn't be conducive to a speedy recovery.
I'm manipulating it a bit because actually I don't want to be involved. Every week there's something new. What should I say? I know that's probably a ridiculous question to ask but really what should I say - should I go and 'help' out and accept the onslaught of abuse that will be attached to it. Also, it seems to him that I can never do the right thing so I'll be in the wrong whichever I do. He's emailing me every five minutes for the past hour with one liners like - 'possible bowel cancer, happy now?', 'I need my family and friends and you don't count as either at the moment'. Then it's ' will you help me'. Well, no I'm not happy about the possibilities but at the same time I suspect a lot of it's self induced because of all of the alcohol and cocaine he's taken over the past few years.
I feel a little bad because I appear to have lost all my sympathy for him. Am I behaving badly? I know that I am manipulating it because I want it to finish but feel that if I say this again right now it would be cruel (when I do say it he ignores it anyway and acts as though there's been no change). I know I'm supposed to be focusing on myself but he's upped it this time to potential 'death'. Any advice, please :) I am incredibly calm though which surprises me.
milkwood said
Aug 30, 2016
Hi Alanonfan,
I don't see how you are manipulating from what you have written here. It sounds to me as though you are trusting your instincts about what feels right for you. It is quite possible that your partner is being manipulative.
Go with what feels authentic and honours you. I find that when I'm being honest with myself whatever I decide to do or not do is absolutely ok with me. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2016
When I am uncertain what to say, but want to stay detached, I will say something supportive and kind such as, "I am sending you prayers for healing." or "I am sending positive thoughts your way." Hope that helps - easy phrases when I feel my anxiety rising up has helped me limit my words. I can talk more than necessary and if caught off-guard get myself a ticket back onto the merry-go-round easily enough!!
HTH! (((Alanonfan)))
alanonfan said
Aug 30, 2016
Thank you Iamhere and milkwood.
I'm please that I can trust that this is a blinding flash of clarity and I've drafted a format for my step 4 and been thinking about it all day - it's been a bit like an exam where you don't want to start the study so you find anything else to do like cleaning the brass on the front door and power washing the decking - which are also good things because during the craziness they've been neglected. Pen and paper are to hand and I will start tonight - I'm looking forward to it!
I've also been listening to some pod casts and found 'Father Tom Al Anon Talk' who has given me quite a lot of laughs throughout the day. I'm sure many of you know him but I thought I'd share a link for those who don't: www.youtube.com/watch
Such good advice from you all. I am so pleased that I wrote this morning and I've had a beautiful sunny day, on my own and completely peaceful. It's been bliss which i haven't experienced for so long.
All responses will be short and kind, which also saves so much time. Perfect!
Thank you again - this forum is such a god send.
serenity47 said
Aug 30, 2016
You sound like you are in a good space and working your own program . Good for you. Keep it up. In my experience upping the ante, sending im dying messages is all
Part of the disease . He may or may not have something seriously wrong but he is after all a grown man that is capable of managing his health. When my husband had to go for similar tests he went on his own , no drama, no guilt, blaming etc. I offered to accompany him and take the day off work he said no it's not that big of a deal. That is the difference between someone in the disease process and someone out of it . Expressing your sincere wishes for his well being sounds reasonable to me. Keep the focus on you. Great work .
alanonfan said
Aug 30, 2016
Thank you, Serenity. That's exactly what I was thinking. If I had to have those tests I would get on with it, get it over and get home without the drama and the tears and projecting what may happen. Everything is blown so totally out of proportion and then of course there's the withheld information. Drama, drama and more drama.
I'm still in the same place as I was this morning and totally clear headed about the relationship. I literally copied Iamhere's sentence and pinged it over to him without a second thought. I hope this feeling of being totally free doesn't go away and I'm still astounded how it happened! I've never in my life focused on me and thought anything more than briefly about the part I play and why I repeat the same pattern. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of being on my own. I don't want this chaos again. I don't even want to feel sorry for him. A part of me thinks that I may be being selfish but if I'm being selfish what has he been over the years. There is no comparison. I am lucky. I can walk away. I am also grateful.
Thank you, everyone!
e_i_m said
Aug 30, 2016
It sounds like your HP is working in you and through you!
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2016
I agree with EIM above me - it's a HP thing! Good on you.....I heard early on in recovery, both sides of the rooms, that being selfish to protect your sanity is not wrong. My sponsor does help me through things like this if I am uncertain but if you are kind and your motives are pure, there is not harm in taking care of you first. HP does lead us when we let him!!
alanonfan said
Aug 31, 2016
From 11.30pm to 2.30am i get 27 phone calls, endless emails, facebook messages and some texts telling me that something was bleeding and he had to go to hospital.
I had switched the phone to silent and woke up to all of the communication. My first impulse was to react and fire off a message in response to his many rants. sigh.
Then the phone calls which i deflected reasonably well but I admit that I did get caught up. My relapse - albeit, briefly.
Even if he has stopped drinking. His development is arrested at the age of 2 - "I want it - and I want it now!"
I don't want this drama in my life. The abuse and the selfishness. The endless round and round and round. That's okay, isn't it? I can answer my own question - of course it is! Why oh why would I even pick up the phone. Never mind - new day, new challenge. It's how I behave that counts (but I am irritated, but not upset :))
Ahhh! HP thank you for hammering another nail into the coffin - there was only just a bit of space left but in it''s gone.
Mattie said
Aug 31, 2016
Sounds like he's really escalating, trying to get a response out of you. Craziness. Take good care of yourself!
Iamhere said
Aug 31, 2016
alanonfan - you are doing 'you' and that's what our program suggests. It doesn't matter what he is or is not doing, putting you first is great program effort. My qualifiers do freak out when I act/react differently. Just like us, they are conditioned to the 'dance' we all do with this disease. They do freak out momentarily but typically adapt/adjust to the change so long as I remain consistent.
You can choose to respond, not to respond, when to respond and how your day will go. I have blocked my qualifiers from my phone at times when they've been distracting. They know I am willing to support them if they are willing to work on themselves. I will not support the insanity, the drama or the chaos self-inflicted as a result of this disease.
Hello fellow alanoners.
I've been hanging out here and going to meetings for quite some time and suddenly I've seen the light. I woke up this morning to a barrage of abuse from my A who was using words like 'scumbag' 'utter b***d' 'piece of filth' and of course turning everything around to blame me. I have spent some time reacting recently to these things and found them hurtful and upsetting but this morning something changed. I've been having difficulty with step 4 but today I intend to work on it and spend time on me. It's as though a light's gone on. However I need to make sure I stick to it and don't get sucked in again which I am very capable of doing.
I'd like to just block him and be done and work on me but is that burying my head in the sand? It is time to throw the towel in on the relationship and with all the going backwards and forwards and round and round I haven't got the time or the energy anymore but I do want to work on me which is something I've never done. It feels good and if i've had to go through all of this just to get to this stage it almost feels like it's worth it. There are no kids, financial commitments and we don't live together so I can just get out but why haven't I; what keeps me there? And these are the questions I'm going to work on. Low self esteem, family background, string of bad relationships with troubled men but I'm a capable woman who has brought up a child who wouldn't tolerate even a tenth of this behaviour from a man. So why do I?
Just looking for some of your sage advice and your feelings about step 4 and how you managed it and am I in the right place mentally? Any thoughts and comments gratefully received.
Thank you for listening, ladies and gentlemen.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 30th of August 2016 05:53:38 AM
I found that question 'what keeps me there?' a really useful one. For me the answer included things that in some circumstances could be called assets so I tried to be gentle with myself as I considered this question. I found it empowering to bring the focus back to myself. There are others here who know the steps much better than I do and I am sure that I'll be learning alongside you from their responses.
A wise lady once reminded me to consider my assets as well as my defects. As I read your post it felt like you had some good awareness.
I'm sorry that someone has been calling you horrible names. (((((hugs)))))
Hi alanonfan -- good luck with your decision. I recently broke up with an alcoholic and addict boyfriend -- we didn't live together or have children. I made the decision rashly after behavior that I received with hurt. It was the right decision for me, though perhaps not the most alanon-y way to do it. However, I think if I hadn't done it quickly and swiftly (albeit in a moment of hurt and anger), I would have backpedalled. I've been doing a TON of fourth step work (on my own so far -- meeting with a sponsor tomorrow for the first time), going to lots of meetings, staying busy with other stuff and doing a lot of alanon reading (daily readers, CAL and stuff on the internet) and journal writing. Also have been spending a lot of time here on this board and listening to alanon conference speakers on YouTube and podcasts. Hearing other peoples stories (and thinking back on other crazy codependent alcoholic relationships of my own) makes me glad I got out when I did. Sure, things could have gotten better, but they probably would not have.
The beauty of working alanon (for me) is the path it offers to complete honesty. I'm looking very clearly at what I got out of being with this guy. I think what I've been doing is trying to work out the relationship with my alcoholic parents -- I said to them all the time "if you loved me, you'd stop drinking" -- they didn't stop drinking, so I believed they didn't love me. I think that what I've been trying to do with the alcoholic, emotionally distant men I've married and dated is to have a chance to win against addiction. I'm realizing that some part of me thought with each one "THIS is the great love -- I'm going to make him love me more than his substance. Finally someone will love me enough to quit. I'm going to save him." And as I've come to that realization, I've realized it is crazy and that I've made attention from these guys my HP, and that it's been unfair to them for me to have had this agenda to save them/change them (even if I didn't fully know it was my agenda until now). So for me, I don't think it would be fair to either one of us stay together. I can only help myself, and that's what I'm focusing on now.
The horrible names seem to go with the territory - it's almost like road rage where he's protected by a bubble ( in this case not a car but a relationship). Strangely, the name calling made me aware that he's talking about himself. This time they made me laugh in a sort of 'gosh, I've just got it sort of way! I feel totally calm and absolutely ready to let go and let God. I'm listening which is what I have found difficult and I'm starting to realise that it's me. I don't care enough about me. I need to work on me and whilst I feel a little bit selfish doing so I can see that by doing this I will become more aware and less likely to interfere and try to make unsolicited changes to other people's lives. I've woken up and realised it's none of my business and I don't really want it to be. I know this is early days but I feel peaceful.
Yes, you're so right. I need to focus on what I have achieved. I have my own successful business, my beautiful little house and garden, I have my lovely family who choose to spend their time with me. I'm so lucky. There were some abandonment issues when I was younger and whilst I don't hold it against any of my family I think I have never recovered. I'm the one who introduces these 'reclamation' characters into my life and my family's lives. Why would I want to keep this drama going - he's been drinking and secret drinking for over 10 years - it's not a new hobby - if it was i'd be very worried - maybe i'd driven him to it :)
I really love this board and all of you wonderful people. 4th step advise and some in-site to the way I'm thinking is so much appreciated. Please hit me with it!
I also react to hurt swiftly and tend to run and then back pedal. Good idea - I'll listen to the podcasts. I find it odd that I appear to have woken up with some revelation and hope I don't slip back. I've known about all the resources and have dismissed them . I guess I just wasn't' ready. For me, there is no benefit to being in this relationship - it's not as if I'm financially dependant but I am emotionally dependant. Perhaps not on him so much anymore. I want to be emotionally dependant on me.
Thank you, Eim. You are strong! It's time for me to change too.
Welcome alanonfan I found that working the 4th Step as somewhat suggested in the AA big book very helpful. Before looking at my inner destructive behavior, I made a list of all my assets and what I was grateful for because it was on these positive attributes that I was going to rebuild my life.
Then it was time to tackle the negative issues that were hurting me.
First it is suggested that we make a list . In the first column we should place all the people we are angry with or hold resentments toward- in the second column place the reason for our anger -third column our part in the situation-- last column our intended action.
Remembering that we are all human and imperfect beings helped a great deal as did the truth that these negative traits were developed in response to living with the destructive disease of alcoholism. I am hurting myself by continuing to call on them. Alanon would give me new constructive tools to live by and these old negative ones could be discarded.
We have a Step work Board at the top of this message Board and there are many helpful shares and questions on the topic as well. here is the link http://stepwork.activeboard.com/t61743163/alanon-step-4-2-29-2016/
Good luck on the journey toward yourself .
Good for you and I also feel the same. To get spirituality in my life and get to know myself has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I also had to look at the reasons why I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship and was making the choices I did. I think your on an amazing journey because your asking the questions that free us. I also know what verbal abuse feels like and when I got some recovery and learned what unacceptable baheviour was and that I didnt have to put up with it, I made changes through my own boundaries. I will not stay in a room where I am being called names, ever. So if a person wants to talk to me then I will listen but never to name calling and I learned to say that clearly. It was actually really simple and didnt involve any ultimatums or long drawn out talks etc. It was an action, so I said, I wont listen to name calling so Im leaving the room and I will talk later and I left. Really simple and done over and over and within a week it had stopped. This was such a valuable lesson for me. I can decide what i will put up with or not and its up to me to take the action necessary. Before Alanon I believed it was about other people changing and behaving themselves so I never felt I had any power. I gave all the power to others. Thanks for sharing
One day, out of the blue, I woke up and the resounding message in my young head was, "You deserve better than this. You need to go." This thought process would not quit, and that day I dropped him off at work, got my own apartment, and packed my stuff and left. I picked him up from work, did not say a word, drove him to the home we shared, let him get out and drove off. For 3 years, he followed me as I tried to hide/run/get away but it took me almost 15 years to realize and recognize that was no 'inner power' of my own - rather the Higher Power of my understanding pushing me to take action to save me from myself in that moment.
So - if you are propelled by any force or inner dialogue to work on you, take action for you - go with it. I hear often here that with this disease, we are either moving forward in recovery or we are slipping backwards - there is no standing still. I have found this to be true in my own recovery. As far as the 4th step goes, I am like Betty - having a specific format with structured questions/actions helps me process and think. I had anxiety about the 4th & 5th steps before I did 1-3, but it lessened when I practiced step 3 over and over. My body and mind aligned in that Step 4 wasn't frightening if it followed my willingness to turn my life over to the care of God, as I understand him.
I have worked the steps a few different times and there were resentments and events that I unintentionally did not address the first time. It had nothing to do with fear or reluctance - I just learn more about me and what makes me tick as I continue with my life, recovery and growth. I share as when I had resentments appear from the past after doing the steps, I was quick to judge me as not doing it right. I learned from my sponsor and others that it's not my effort that was lacking - it's my higher power revealing things as I am ready to receive grace.
So glad you joined us and glad that you are working on you. Al-Anon has been life changing for me, and I am very grateful for the program, those who came before me and all that I've learned. Keep coming back!
El-cee, thank you. I totally agree and I won't put up with it. It's so self destructive and belittling. I'm also starting to actively despise him for it which I don't want to do and haven't before. I just find I don't like the man he is and I know that he is absolutely no good for my serenity.
I have one problem at the moment. I've also had a barrage of still abusive emails today saying he's had to go in for an emergency colonoscopy and now an emergency biopsy on Saturday to see if he has bowel cancer. He's still angry because I'm not falling over myself to help or get in involved with this new drama. In a way I even believe it may be another drama ploy to get me back on board. I've been polite and said that I think he needs to be around family and friends at this time and get the support he needs from them and because we are at odds with each other it wouldn't help if I was around and wouldn't be conducive to a speedy recovery.
I'm manipulating it a bit because actually I don't want to be involved. Every week there's something new. What should I say? I know that's probably a ridiculous question to ask but really what should I say - should I go and 'help' out and accept the onslaught of abuse that will be attached to it. Also, it seems to him that I can never do the right thing so I'll be in the wrong whichever I do. He's emailing me every five minutes for the past hour with one liners like - 'possible bowel cancer, happy now?', 'I need my family and friends and you don't count as either at the moment'. Then it's ' will you help me'. Well, no I'm not happy about the possibilities but at the same time I suspect a lot of it's self induced because of all of the alcohol and cocaine he's taken over the past few years.
I feel a little bad because I appear to have lost all my sympathy for him. Am I behaving badly? I know that I am manipulating it because I want it to finish but feel that if I say this again right now it would be cruel (when I do say it he ignores it anyway and acts as though there's been no change). I know I'm supposed to be focusing on myself but he's upped it this time to potential 'death'. Any advice, please :) I am incredibly calm though which surprises me.
I don't see how you are manipulating from what you have written here. It sounds to me as though you are trusting your instincts about what feels right for you. It is quite possible that your partner is being manipulative.
Go with what feels authentic and honours you. I find that when I'm being honest with myself whatever I decide to do or not do is absolutely ok with me. ((((Hugs))))
HTH! (((Alanonfan)))
I'm please that I can trust that this is a blinding flash of clarity and I've drafted a format for my step 4 and been thinking about it all day - it's been a bit like an exam where you don't want to start the study so you find anything else to do like cleaning the brass on the front door and power washing the decking - which are also good things because during the craziness they've been neglected. Pen and paper are to hand and I will start tonight - I'm looking forward to it!
I've also been listening to some pod casts and found 'Father Tom Al Anon Talk' who has given me quite a lot of laughs throughout the day. I'm sure many of you know him but I thought I'd share a link for those who don't:
www.youtube.com/watch
Such good advice from you all. I am so pleased that I wrote this morning and I've had a beautiful sunny day, on my own and completely peaceful. It's been bliss which i haven't experienced for so long.
All responses will be short and kind, which also saves so much time. Perfect!
Thank you again - this forum is such a god send.
I'm still in the same place as I was this morning and totally clear headed about the relationship. I literally copied Iamhere's sentence and pinged it over to him without a second thought. I hope this feeling of being totally free doesn't go away and I'm still astounded how it happened! I've never in my life focused on me and thought anything more than briefly about the part I play and why I repeat the same pattern. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of being on my own. I don't want this chaos again. I don't even want to feel sorry for him. A part of me thinks that I may be being selfish but if I'm being selfish what has he been over the years. There is no comparison. I am lucky. I can walk away. I am also grateful.
Thank you, everyone!
It sounds like your HP is working in you and through you!
I had switched the phone to silent and woke up to all of the communication. My first impulse was to react and fire off a message in response to his many rants. sigh.
Then the phone calls which i deflected reasonably well but I admit that I did get caught up. My relapse - albeit, briefly.
Even if he has stopped drinking. His development is arrested at the age of 2 - "I want it - and I want it now!"
I don't want this drama in my life. The abuse and the selfishness. The endless round and round and round. That's okay, isn't it? I can answer my own question - of course it is! Why oh why would I even pick up the phone. Never mind - new day, new challenge. It's how I behave that counts (but I am irritated, but not upset :))
Ahhh! HP thank you for hammering another nail into the coffin - there was only just a bit of space left but in it''s gone.
Sounds like he's really escalating, trying to get a response out of you. Craziness. Take good care of yourself!
You can choose to respond, not to respond, when to respond and how your day will go. I have blocked my qualifiers from my phone at times when they've been distracting. They know I am willing to support them if they are willing to work on themselves. I will not support the insanity, the drama or the chaos self-inflicted as a result of this disease.
Keep coming back - you're worth it!