My AH suggested inviting my mom for dinner Saturday and offered to call. We spent morning and early afternoon apart. He texts me that my mom accepted. Great. I get home, and we talk about dinner with mom. He has red wine stains on his mouth. Off balance. I say I'm going to have a nap. He says he will nap with me. We lie down. He wakes up an hour and a half later. "Should we call your mom about dinner tonight?" I say, you did call her. You told me you called her. He looks at his phone. Oh yeah, I forgot.
I say, it concerns me when you don't remember things. I'm concerned about your health. I feel very confused when we have to go over things again that have already happened. He says, I remember calling her now. A few minutes later he says, maybe I need to call your mom, the phone call was less than a minute. I think, ok, let him call and deal with the consequence of confusing my easily confused mom (79 years old). Instead, I show him the text.
I spent some time freaking out about this major memory lapse. We had multiple conversations about what the plans were, what he had said to my mom, etc. What is the healthy way to deal with this? Let him have the crazy convo with my mother? That would be a natural consequence. I wanted to protect her and also spare myself the embarrassment.
I later expressed my concern again, and he asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted him to see a doctor about the memory loss. I see now that I'm in the position of being the one in charge of that. My wife thinks I have problems with my memory. He said he wanted me to go with him. I will, but then I'll feel like the enforcer. Don't forget to tell them that you stopped smoking pot two months ago after 30 years. Etc etc. I'm seeing my counselor tonight. Wondering how to return to my hula hoop. I have the tools to take care of myself. Looking for some insight in light of this recent twilight zone experience.
Freetime said
Aug 29, 2016
I think it is a good idea to go to the doctor with someone who is having memory issues. The doctor may be interested in your observations, such as how long this has been going on, and did it start suddenly or gradually. You can help him remember what the doctor says. It is also understandable to feel angry and frustrated at being in this situation , but this is a matter for your own recovery. Hopefully your counselor will help with this.
Mcat54 said
Aug 29, 2016
I appreciate your insight. Makes sense that someone with memory problems would need a second person there. He doesn't think he has a problem. I want some honesty about what happened that day. He was yelling about how his ex killed their cat because the cat liked him better than her. The short term memory loss has been an issue for a few years but this is the most extreme instance, in my opinion. We haven't talked again about making the appointment. I won't push him. It is hard to witness such denial. Then, I turn the focus to myself. What am I denying? Does the forgetting mean his condition is worse than I thought? I have seriously been thinking about ending my marriage. Would I be abandoning him or leaving him to accept the consequences of his choices? Am I enabling by staying? Preventing him from reaching bottom? I feel like this was my bottom. I haven't felt that befuddled by his actions before. Truly felt like we were in separate universes. Am praying for HP to show me the next step. I don't want to force anything. Wondering what the loving response is here. I need to let go and know that he is in God's hands. Pray for his will.
El said
Aug 29, 2016
Hi Mcat,
I have been having similar experiences with my AH lately. While his memory has not always been the best in recent years, I have also been concerned that he doesn't remember full, in- depth conversations. His drinking has actually decreased, but I think the effects of decades of moderate- heavy drinking are really catching up with him! I now try to have conversations earlier in the day, rather in the evening when his few drinks of the day have accumulated. Also, I make sure the tv is off or I know I have his full attention and he is participating in the conversation, rather than just nodding his head, saying, " uh huh."
It seems to help, but like you.....I have experienced some really strange things being said. I have pointed it out, but he shrugs his shoulders and claims he's 64.
Like you, I wonder if I should just stay in my own hula hoop with this and accept it is the outcome of his disease or take it further with medical attention. It hasn't become extreme yet, but there is a noticeable difference in his retention and interpretation of events.
I will be anxious to hear ESH from others here as well.
Hugs- El
Mattie said
Aug 29, 2016
My A has this too. Medical attention would probably confirm it, but I'm sure their next advice would be to stop drinking, and we know how well the active A is going to follow that advice. I don't believe that it can be reversed in most cases of non-active A's either. So we have the choice of putting up with it or separating. In my view this isn't a thing like enabling, because they literally can't make a decision not to do it. So if I see an instance where his bad memory is going to cause trouble, I do what I can to prevent that trouble - calling the other person, or whatever. It's sad to realize it's happening, though.
El said
Aug 29, 2016
Yes, I agree that it might be confirmed and the treatment would be to stop drinking. Chances are slim to none on that one happening at my house. I guess I will try not to make him feel badly about it and use strategies that help ME cope with it or give a heads up to others if need be.
In fact, I drink socially at best and question my own mind! Lol
pinkchip said
Aug 29, 2016
You can expect some memory lapses from an active drunk or user, as they do not encode info when intoxicated. You can also expect it from someone in early sobriety as their brain is healing and is on overload with chatter and stimuli they are used to drowning out. Hence, they also don't attend well enough to remember stuff. Long term pot users would be the most at risk and that is 1 of the most predominant symptoms of long term pot use and early sobriety. Still good to go to a doctor, though they may refer to a neurologist.
Freetime said
Aug 29, 2016
I just wanted to add, a benefit of going to the doctor to get some factual information was helpful to me in knowing I was not crazy for thinking something odd was going on ... it was real. Also, when I went with my AH to the neurologist, as we were leaving, the doctor patted me on the arm. I felt that was an acknowledgement that this was rough on me, too.
Mcat54 said
Sep 2, 2016
He has an appointment for Sept 22, and I'm joining him. Our counselor recommended that I go, suggested full disclosure for best results. I'll let you know what happens. Thanks for the ESH.
The counselor suggested he might look into AA, as the drinking has been a recurring issue for us. My spouse told me later that he doesn't have a problem, and quitting because his drinking makes me uncomfortable would codependent/enabling. However, he's going to try going without drinking for awhile. Program program program. Praying. Grateful for this board and the tools.
el-cee said
Sep 2, 2016
I suggest Alanon for yourself. Alcoholism is a disease that gets worse for everyone. I thought memory loss goes hand in hand with alcoholism. I remember these conversations, constantly with my ex. Im wondering why or maybe what you are going to the doctor for because in my experience the doctor will look for some 'normal' kind of reason not associated with the drink, which surely is the truth of it, and then everyone's back on the merrygoround blaming anything else for the memory issues.
My ex would binge drink, not eat for days, stop get ill, blame it on the flu or a virus and this was the denial. If i went to the doctors with him looking for reasons other than the drinking then I am enabling the denial to continue. Im not sure this is the same kind of situation but to me part of the denial is putting 'normal' reasons on health issues directly caused by the drinking. Bringing a doctor into this could strengthen the denial. Just my take on it.x
Iamhere said
Sep 2, 2016
In my world, when my AH would forget discussions, to-dos, or other things it drove me nuts.....literally - as I took it personally. Of course I became more tolerant and accepting when I got into recovery and often found myself saying, "How important is it any way?" Well - some things certainly are more important than others so I brought forward major concerns only, where as before, I brought forth everything and then we'd argue.
My AH has heart disease and had triple bypass a few years ago. One of the documented side affects is memory loss - mostly short-term. So - he does have contributing factors that make life more fun around here. Lastly, neither of us is getting younger, and I too can readily admit my memory is not as good as it used to be.
In the last month, he's left the freezer door open twice - we had creative meals for a few days/week. He's left the milk out overnight, and a few other things. I could go on and on and on with things - garage door left open, gate left open, lawnmower left out, etc. While it certainly is annoying, I am constantly feeling a tap on my shoulder from my HP that suggests I need to respond in a loving and gentle manner as he is a sick person doing the best he can.
Trust me when I say that is not the natural response within my brain so it takes practice. I honestly never know what I will find upon awakening each morning, which is one reason I pray before my feet hit the ground! As with all we share, take what you like and leave the rest. Go forward each day with an open mind and making your serenity your number one priority....it's amazing how recovery has changed me and my outlook.
Hi Mcat,
I have been having similar experiences with my AH lately. While his memory has not always been the best in recent years, I have also been concerned that he doesn't remember full, in- depth conversations. His drinking has actually decreased, but I think the effects of decades of moderate- heavy drinking are really catching up with him! I now try to have conversations earlier in the day, rather in the evening when his few drinks of the day have accumulated. Also, I make sure the tv is off or I know I have his full attention and he is participating in the conversation, rather than just nodding his head, saying, " uh huh."
It seems to help, but like you.....I have experienced some really strange things being said. I have pointed it out, but he shrugs his shoulders and claims he's 64.
Like you, I wonder if I should just stay in my own hula hoop with this and accept it is the outcome of his disease or take it further with medical attention. It hasn't become extreme yet, but there is a noticeable difference in his retention and interpretation of events.
I will be anxious to hear ESH from others here as well.
Hugs- El
My A has this too. Medical attention would probably confirm it, but I'm sure their next advice would be to stop drinking, and we know how well the active A is going to follow that advice. I don't believe that it can be reversed in most cases of non-active A's either. So we have the choice of putting up with it or separating. In my view this isn't a thing like enabling, because they literally can't make a decision not to do it. So if I see an instance where his bad memory is going to cause trouble, I do what I can to prevent that trouble - calling the other person, or whatever. It's sad to realize it's happening, though.
Yes, I agree that it might be confirmed and the treatment would be to stop drinking. Chances are slim to none on that one happening at my house. I guess I will try not to make him feel badly about it and use strategies that help ME cope with it or give a heads up to others if need be.
In fact, I drink socially at best and question my own mind! Lol
The counselor suggested he might look into AA, as the drinking has been a recurring issue for us. My spouse told me later that he doesn't have a problem, and quitting because his drinking makes me uncomfortable would codependent/enabling. However, he's going to try going without drinking for awhile. Program program program. Praying. Grateful for this board and the tools.
My ex would binge drink, not eat for days, stop get ill, blame it on the flu or a virus and this was the denial. If i went to the doctors with him looking for reasons other than the drinking then I am enabling the denial to continue. Im not sure this is the same kind of situation but to me part of the denial is putting 'normal' reasons on health issues directly caused by the drinking. Bringing a doctor into this could strengthen the denial. Just my take on it.x
My AH has heart disease and had triple bypass a few years ago. One of the documented side affects is memory loss - mostly short-term. So - he does have contributing factors that make life more fun around here. Lastly, neither of us is getting younger, and I too can readily admit my memory is not as good as it used to be.
In the last month, he's left the freezer door open twice - we had creative meals for a few days/week. He's left the milk out overnight, and a few other things. I could go on and on and on with things - garage door left open, gate left open, lawnmower left out, etc. While it certainly is annoying, I am constantly feeling a tap on my shoulder from my HP that suggests I need to respond in a loving and gentle manner as he is a sick person doing the best he can.
Trust me when I say that is not the natural response within my brain so it takes practice. I honestly never know what I will find upon awakening each morning, which is one reason I pray before my feet hit the ground! As with all we share, take what you like and leave the rest. Go forward each day with an open mind and making your serenity your number one priority....it's amazing how recovery has changed me and my outlook.
(((Hugs)))